A faithful minion over at O’Boy and Asshattery – The Snark Years (dat’s Steamboat McGoo to those who know him)… the faithful minion, cbullitt, has passed on information that is disturbing and grievous.
The Hyperion Cantos – a four book set that so richly describes a world that it is hard to encompass it all without several readings – is to be made into a movie. Now, while I have always dreamed of seeing the story come to life on film, I have small hope of it being done with due justice.
Dan Simmon’s official website has a note about it, here. You would think that with the author’s blessings, it would be something I should stop worrying about. But… authors have let movies be made before with bad results. Hopefully if Mr. Simmons ever reads these words he will understand that it is out of deep respect for his writing that I’d even say all this. It’s too wonderful of a story to let it be done wrong. Writing the screenplay and directing the movie not be attempted by anyone less than an IQ of 145.
I get worried by statements like this:
King acquired the rights to the series several years ago, but its structure, inspired by Boccaccio’s “Decameron” and Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales,” and its multiple timelines made the task of adapting it into a feature unwieldy and challenging.
Brought in by GK Films’ Grey Rembert and Gail Lyon, Sands won over the execs by taking a selective approach to the two novels’ multiple points of view in a way that managed to coherently and unconfusingly tell the story.
The key words being “selective approach”. Those words strike fear into my heart.
If you’re expecting a book review with a synopsis, you won’t get one. There’s too many things to choose from and it would be a long review. A long review would not be fair to you if you will be a potential reader because it will let you peek ahead when the story must be told as it is told by Father Hoyt, Kassad, Martin Silenus, Sol Weintraub, Brawne Lamia, and the Consul.
Suffice it to say that “epic”, “sci-fi”, “saga”, and “amazing” all fit quite well together here. The characters are believable, they aren’t forced, they are good, they are evil, they are brave, and they are cowards. The worlds are hellish, deadly beauty, fire, ice, mysterious, empty, and vast – and there are a lot of them.
And in case you are wondering as to the title of this post, Father Paul Duré is a main figure in all the books, and he self-crucified himself only to die and live again and again in a vast forest of raging Tesla trees. And that was only part of the beginning.
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United Airways had their little problem a few weeks ago, remember? Just one week prior to that I flew to VA on business and had an experience. No crash but I wasn’t tickled pink. After the whirlwind day trip on their airlines I came up with the following summary, which I also sent in roughly the same wording to the secretary and the bosses:
(1) US Airways sucks.
(2) US Airways really sucks.
(3) US Airways really really sucks.
(4) Landing in Philly in high wind and turbulence sucks, too.
(5) Coastal VA is flat-out beautiful, even in wintertime, and if the company wants me to start a branch there, I’m up for it..
(6) On the way back (now NW Airlines) the Seat 21-C that our secretary put me on is not actually a seat in Row 21 on a plane per se, but is actually the left-side bathroom at the rear of the DC-9 model aircraft (thankyouverymuch). I had to keep getting up every three minutes to let other passengers use my “seat”. I suppose this is the result of some perceived slight on her part and I’m paying the price but it must be said that the ticket price is a tad high considering how little cushioning there is on the seats in the lavatories.
I didn’t walk away very happy with US Airways. The planes were not in good condition, the seating was terrible, and I had to pay to get any kind of beverage at all. At least on NW Airlines when I asked her if they were charging for a drink, the stewardess said “Yes, the price of a soda is a smile.” She got her smile.
That said, the pilot of US Airways Flight 1549 still has my utmost respect. One hell of a job there.
Note: 21-C actually is a seat on a DC-9. It is however, so close to the lavatory that you can hear toilet paper hitting the floor when someone drops a square.
AHHHHHHH!!! NO!! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!
DAN!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???!!11!!!
Oh, this is going to be so bad. So very, very bad. They can’t hardly even do simple sci-fi correctly. This subject material is beyond any movie maker’s capabilities. Hell, even the core concepts underlying the series is beyond most people’s understanding.
Oh, this is going to be so wrong.
Wow, Enas. I tried so hard to be unemotional, fair, balanced, and thoughtful.
And you threw all caution to the wind and put down exactly what I was thinking.
The indicator to me was that some idjit said that the first two books would be the harder to do. Uh… Tien Shan with the battle between Raul and Radamanth Nemes? What about the high-G ice caves on Sol Draconi Septum?
Could they ever capture Martin Silenus’ agonies on the Shrike’s Tree of Pain? Or Silenus after he was brain damaged (before he was ok again)?
Here’s another indicator of the Herculean task ahead of anyone who wants to capture the story… I re-read it for the 9th time just a few months ago. Already I cannot walk through the story without jumbling it all up and missing huge plot segments. I will pick it up tomorrow and read them again, and it will not feel like “the same old material”.
No. No, no, no… a thousand times, no.
At least we shall weep together, my friend.
You’re far more familiar with these books than I am. I only read them once and frankly the last one cornfused the hell out of me. Of course I read each one as they came out so it was kinda hard to remember all the stuff that came before. Anyway, any attempt to put this story on screen wil require that they strip HUUUUGE chunks out of it and focus only on the main story line. They would have to get rid of / consolidate many of the main characters and concentrate on one or two of them. The girl that was aging backwards and her father perhaps. Martin would probably get the axe entirely.
The whole thing about the church and the cruciform symbiotes would get cut too I’d imagine. Well, the guy nailing himself to a tesla tree might be too juicy a scene to pass up. I dunno. There’s just so many ways this can get messed up.
The only silver lining I see in this whole thing is that the Shrike comes out looking pretty bad-assed.
I would absolutely welcome the chance to debate/discuss any part of those books because I’m not sure I have all the particulars in hand myself. Most of the plot elements, yes, but some of the stuff that was not said regarding Aenea and Kassad.
The Shrike would make Hellraiser look pretty tame if you stopped and thought about what it did, that once and future killing machine.
There is no way they can do the series justice. None.
My best travel experience; a number of years ago we had a secretary who was flat out nuts.
I get to the airport, and hand over my ticket.
Ramp Agent: Can I see your Passport?
Me: Huh? What are you talking about?
Ramp Agent: Your ticket shows you going to San Jose.
Me: Right, I know, San Jose, California.
Ramp Agent: San Jose, Costa Rica.
Later that day.
Me: What on earth possesed you to book a flight for me to Costa Rica?
Secretary: I thought you might like to visit there.
Me: (blink, blink, blink)
Allen,
It seems your secretary didn’t reallyknow the way to San Jose.