Aggie Sith over at Hookers and Booze mentioned the great story of a woman who drove her car into a canal and told the cops it was because of the vampire she saw.
Ok, did you read it?
They. Could. Not. Find. The. Vampire.
Aggie’s right – the woman is a Fruita-bat. I have no idea what state the town of Fruita is in, but does it really matter?
Reminds me of stealing pumpkins one Halloween long ago, when I was in college. We made several trips back to the same store something like 20 minutes apart and carving as fast as they came in. We were drunk, yes. We had larcenated† an obscene amount of pumpkins.
I had drunk the better part of a six-pack fairly quickly so when nature called I answered. I was taking a leak in the bushes outside the house we were renting when two cop cars drove up. Being the modest sort, I dove into the bushes, finished my business, and hopped back out. There were no wardrobe or equipment malfunctions that I could detect.
I said “Wait, I need to check on something” and hurried into the house. Now in this day and age you couldn’t get away with that, but this was the 80′s, ok? Besides, they already knew me from when I helped them slim-jim a car open that was unclaimed at one of our parties. That is a story for another day, however. Anyway, I went in the house with one of the other guys to tell everyone that we had a situation, then immediately went to the fridge and chugged soy sauce, hoping to get the smell of the beer off of my underage breath.
There was a lot of chatter as we quickly decided what to do, which amounted to eight people and eight opinions, none of which made any sense once we sobered up. Thinking that we were armored in the breastplate of preparedness, armed with the sword of obfuscation, and helmed with the helmet of… sh*t… you get the idea… so armed, we each felt like we could stand up to anything as long as the other seven guys kept their mouths shut, and as one we trudged on out.
The cops looked at the eight of us and said that (a) they had a report of a rash of pumpkin thefts, that (b) we were described as being pretty much involved in all of them, and that (c) they wanted to search the house.
Being rather stupid but thinking we were smart (probably because of the beer) we asked in sly lawyerly tones “Wait, what are you searching FOR?” For some reason we were convinced that even if they saw thousands of illegal things (and they might well have) they could only nail us on the one pre-declared thing that we tipped their hand with. We had them by the short-hairs, by golly!
Cop #2 looks at Cop #1, glances at our porch, which is literally covered with jack-o-lanterns and glowing like the noonday sun from all the candles, looks back to Cop #1, smiles, and says “Pumpkins. I guess we’re looking for pumpkins.”
Like the Fruita-bat lady’s vampire, the cops never found any pumpkins, and the jack-o-lanterns weren’t talking.
† It is understood that larcenated is a totally bogus bastardization of a damn fine word, but it was done for entertainment purposes only.
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Still another mystery is the woman who became impregnated by a 3-D movie. Thanks to the good people of POP-Jolly!
A white American woman who had a black baby claims she fell pregnant whilst watching a porn movie in 3D. According to reports, the childs father , who is white was serving in the military in Iraq when she became pregnant.
His wife Jennifer told him the child was conceived whilst watching a porn movie in 3D.
“I see it as suspicious. The films in 3-D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible “he said.
My goodness, that is suspicious.
I wonder if “dad” will figure out that yes, she probably did get pregnant because of the 3D porn movie after having acted in it.
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Caught an expression I hadn’t seen/heard before while watching the DVD’s for Dexter, Season 1. Ready for it?
Donkey-fluffer.
For some reason even tho it is gross and obscene, just the sound of it is funny. Plus it’s one hell of a great put-down.
Both of those show a certain flair for the absurd, yes? I can remember being in such mental states, at least I think I do. Like the time back in 76 when…
Both are absolutely absurd and both are absolutely true. As for the third one, I don’t doubt that she is indeed pregnant but the rest seems pretty… absurd. Wow, what an absurd posting.
You larcenated innocent pumpkins??? You devil, you!!
The woman who saw the vampire that the sober people didn’t is in Colorado, I believe. I think what she saw was the product of 86 proof Twilight
Impregnated by 3D pr0n?? Ok, she makes the Fruita bat seem normal.
“Larcenated” does sound kind of obscene, doesn’t it?
It was the least of the bad things done in those days.
Usually when someone tells me they saw a vampire or the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, I suspect them of using peyote. Is 86 proof Twilight kind of like Mad-Dog 20/20?
I had a bowl of Mad-Dog 20/20 and fruit loops the second morning of a four-day binge. Had a nice fresh-microwaved cup of MD20/20 to go with it. It was like drinking rotten fruit out of an old army boot. But it was on a dare so I drank every drop.
Well, I’ll say this: you have lived an interesting life
I can’t wait for the next season of Dexter. It is drying me nuts waiting, and I’m usually a very patient person!
Which season? I haven’t even seen Season 4 yet except for the very first episode with John Lithgow. Damn he is good.
I was tickled to see Carradine back on.
Ah, the Carradines….love that whole family. Each so different from the other. I can honestly say I have had crushes on all of them. Not the women though. That ain’t my scene
And I mean season 5. You will *DIE* when you see the whole of season 4. Trust me. And Lithgow is ……let’s just say he is Lithgow to the seventh order of magnitude
It takes a good actor to look very disturbing without being hammy. Lithgow can do it. Hall can do it.
John Hurt did an absolutely terrifying performance in “A History of Violence” when his eyes went dead while talking to Viggo. His voice went dead, his eyes went dead, and all traces of humanity left his body.
Damnit….thanks for reminding me of that. I’ll have nightmares and will need a nightlight tonight
So it was creepy to you too, huh?
Overall I hated the movie. I really didn’t care for the twisted love/rape thing going on in the middle of the movie.
Oh, I didn’t like the movie, either. Had me guessing as to the mental state of the writer. But damned if Hurt didn’t just creep me out. It was like watching a shark talking.
Off topic…hell, everything I’ve written lately is O/T, but check this out:
Love the term “larcenated.” Awesome story.
The preg from 3-D pron just makes me shake my head and think “at least the baby doesn’t share the DNA of the dude who believed that story.”
You are sooooo right, Nicole!!
Oh goody. Y’all like the word ‘larcenated’… just made that up last night.
As of this very moment I did a google search and there was exactly and only one hit with that word.
So cool. Now go forth and spread that word far and wide. See if it gets somewhere fun.
Glad you liked the story. I got a million of ‘em. All real, mostly.