All right people, a PSA from Dr. Lemur…
Discography, Discogram: (DIS-coh-gram) n. A procedure whereby a huge large-diameter needle is inserted clear through the neck of a strapped-down person in order to inflate discs between vertebrae on the opposite side of the neck in an attempt to reproduce or make worse the patient’s symptoms, performed without sedative so as to ensure accurate results. Extremely effective at confirming bad discs when it works, meaning that the pain levels can be very intense.
Interviewer: So, Dr. Lemur, you say you have heard anecdotal evidence suggesting that the procedure is no picnic, and just yesterday experienced it for yourself.
Dr. Lemur: It should be noted that the following day is no picnic, either.
Interviewer: Can you shed any light on the nature of the sensation when they inflate the damaged discs?
Dr. Lemur: Certainly. Close your eyes, take a deep breath… now visualize slamming your penis in an electrified sliding glass door frame. Mentally transport your screaming genitals and place them in the appropriate location along your spine and you’re reasonably close to the reality.
Interviewer: But.. but… I don’t have male genitalia…
Dr. Lemur: I don’t have breasts but evidence suggests that visualizing a particularly nasty titty-twist followed by a mammography procedure that uses a searing-hot electrified x-ray apparatus would be sufficient. As before, mentally transport your screaming boob to the appropriate location along your spine.
Dr. Lemur: Do you have any other questions? You have turned a rather pale shade of green…
Interviewer: No. No, that’s all for now. Thank you, Dr. Lemur.
Perhaps that was a bit of embellishment. Today is pretty uncomfortable all the same.
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XKCD never fails to make me laugh, however.
Proof of Zermelo's well-ordering theorem given the Axiom of Choice: 1: Take S to be any set. 2: When I reach step three, if S hasn't managed to find a well-ordering relation for itself, I'll feed it into this wood chipper. 3: Hey, look, S is well-ordered.
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Update: As Aggie Sith noted in comment #1, this next segment has been found to be a steaming load of hoaxy bullsh*t.
Hell may not have fury like that of a woman scorned, but don’t be so quick to discount the guys, either.
I wonder if anyone has picked up on the wry humor of it all, that they’ve merely proven that they were made for each other.
Your…embellishment was probably not as far off as you try to shrug off.
Oh, and the story about the tattoo is debunked
Twixt me and thee… you’re kind of right. Cruel Wife didn’t understand at first the notion that it goes completely through your neck. Once she latched on to that you could hear a slamming sound as her butt puckered up.
But they let the pressure out reasonably fast once you start trying to crawl out of your skin.
What??? The poo-tattoo is a load of poo? Shhheeee-it. It helped strengthen my faith in human nature.
Yikes! Feel better soon!
As for the poo-tattoo – the tat is actually real, but the story behind it isn’t. I’m left to conclude that she actually wanted that, which is frankly even more disturbing.
It is disturbing, isn’t it? Even if it wasn’t poo, it looks like poo.
Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…
Not as disturbing as the Spongebob Squarepants tats I’ve seen.
Ouch, dude. Hope it gets better quickly and is The Answer.
Amen to that, sister.
The surgeon left a message and he’s got my test results and charts at home and is studying them tonight.
Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems to me that if he’s going to take stuff home like that he’s pretty sure that he’s going to do something but wants to work out just what it is yet…
I’m both hopeful and getting really twitchy about the whole idea.
“now visualize slamming your penis in an electrified sliding glass door frame”
Nice graphic description, Dr. Lemur, but in my humble opinion, it doesn’t quite fit or give as good an approximation of the pain you experienced in the discography you experienced. Now, keeping in mind I haven’t experienced anything like a discography and can only try to imagine the pain you felt, but I imagine it would be more analogous with power-stapling the head of one’s penis to a 2″x4″ and then prying the staple loose.
Ok, if we also stipulate that the power cords on both tools are frayed so we can account for the shocking carve-a-track-of-wrong sensation. You capture quite nicely the sudden nature of the stimulus – ok, ok, ok, ok… BAM!
The worst part was actually the needle sliding it’s way through. Not sure how to describe that.
Hmmm….okay, maybe I could amend my description, instead of using a staple gun, having some type of machine/device with sufficient weight to drive a staple or long thick needle through the head of one’s penis slowly, say taking 20 seconds to make it all the way through and then embed into the 2″x4″, waiting a few minutes, sending electricity coursing down the length of the needle at intermittent moments, then pulling the needle back out at the same speed it went in.
Of course, while all this is going on, the doctor has to say something like “you’re going to feel some pressure” or maybe “you’re going to feel a pinch”.
I thought you said you’d never had this done.
Had me fooled right up to the end but no one describes it so well unless they experienced it. Where did you have yours done?
I didn’t. I just have a fair imagination. The closest thing I could personally relate it to is having a shot of novocaine in my mouth and how painful that damn needle is. Of course it would pale in comparison to what you describe with the discography.
Since you used the idea of something incredibly painful being done to a penis or a breast, I used that image and thought of what might cause a pain in that area that would be similar and roughly equal to what I imagine the discography felt like.
In my own life, I am about to undergo a surgery in a couple of weeks to remove several hemorrhoids. The doctor who’s performing the surgery and people I know who have had that procedure have told me it’s incredibly painful afterwards. Based on their descriptions, the only real consolation I have right now is that after the procedure is done and I go through how painful the bowel movements will be for the first week after, I will be able to shut my wife down when she says that I have no conception of pain compared to what a woman goes through with birth.
Nah, I knew you didn’t have it done. You did a damn fine job of describing the subjective timescale though.
Man, the surgery you are talking’… I have seen medical texts on it and holy crap. What you are talking, pardon the expression, makes my butt pucker. I have to believe it is like crapping glass shards for a while…
I am not sure that being able to shut your wife down is quite enough consolation.
The utter worst thing I ever felt was getting my arm bent slowly and compounded (twice), and I have always wondered if that stacked up to childbirth, but I never found a woman who had both happen to compare notes with. Like on XKCD when the doc asks the guy on a scale of 1 to 10, with10 being the worst pain I can imagine… I can imagine some pretty awful stuff but it doesn’t take long before the brain blows a fuse when trying to recall it.
Yeah, my doctor told me that it’s common for patients who have had the procedure and have endured their first bowel movement after the surgery, to decide one of two things:
1. stop eating so that there will be no more bowel movements.
2. stop having bowel movements.
He assured me that both courses of action were wrong, and that I would need to be tough and sweat it out. Usually by the 6th time, the pain begins to lessen.
Discography, Discogram:
and here i thought Disco was dead.
Yeah, when one of the nurses used the exact term “disco” I shuddered. She was too young to make the connection and I didn’t bother to explain. May disco remain on whatever level of hell it sunk to… It must be in one of the nether regions.
Yeah, no kidding.
One of my favorite radio stations out here that played ‘goodtime oldies’, went forward a year in time every year as far as the music they would play. When I first started listening, they were playing stuff up through ’68. Every year, they added hits from the next chronological year in time. They recently made it to the mid-seventies, and their idea of the goodtime oldies of that time was disco.
Shudder