Apes on helium sound like opera singers, scientists discover
No no no no no! That won’t work. That sentence was engineered like a Yugo. Or a brick. It’s clunky and lacks that sleek-n-sexy feeling. It has all the perkiness of cabbage soup with hot-dogs and slices of American cheese floating in it.
Rearrange it, using the exact same words, and if you are having a good day you end up with the same meaning, but way more fun. Hopefully it’s like sex on a roller coaster with a half dozen scopolamine patches plastered all over your body. NO idea what that would actually feel like but if it is vivid to the imagination it must be fun, right? That’s what powers many a drunken dare, and that I do know from experience.
So let’s run that baby through the steps and see what it looks like when scrambled like a drunk kitten.
Scientists discover opera singers sound like apes on helium
See how much better that works? That is something I can get behind.
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I am a huge fan of Oscar Wilde (as you can see by the recent tagline change to “A Gentleman is…” So today here are a few (just a few) of my favorite quotes:
It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it. - Oscar Wilde
One’s past is what one is. It is the only way by which people should be judged. - Oscar Wilde
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. – Oscar Wilde
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. – Oscar Wilde
It was a case of show-and-tell gone wrong after a Fulton County elementary school teacher brought a poisonous spider to show her students – and one student was bitten.
Got the drama. Check. What about the tragedy?
It wasn’t even until later that evening that Jones realized something was wrong with her daughter. That’s when she collapsed.
All right, we got the tragedy. Check.
Allegedly, the girl was pretty sick. Her mother was quoted as saying:
“The doctor (said) it’s a fifty-fifty chance that she will pull through and a fifty-fifty chance she won’t,” Jones said.
Shoplifter Marcus Banwell might have gotten away with stealing from a UK convenience store — if he hadn’t chowed down on some looted hot peppers in the store and started vomiting.
Awww…thanks, LK!
Whenever I think of opera I used to immediately think of the “No more Rice Crispies! We are out of Rice Crispies!” commercial of yore. Now it’ll be the alto-shriek of a Chimp.
That last is a shopping list of brilliance. Makes me feel better about my trips to the store that yield things like masking tape, lettuce, Twix and olive oil.
‘allo, Nicole!
Now, as I recall you sent me a meatspace packet of jolokia seasonings meant for a cream cheese dip… no, I did not make it – BUT/YET – it will happen next weekend, and I will post the delicious results.
Stay tuned…
Sweet. I was wondering how that turned out.
Still future-tense. I’m a-tizzy with excitement. I plan on documenting it as it unfolds.
We will be having company and it will very very interesting.
I may even have Cruel Wife make up a batch of Habanero Peanut Butter Cookies. Which, incidentally, go fantastically well with ice cream.
No doubt we are all grasshoppers to McGoo’s Master Po. Still, your title observing that Divas sound like apes on helium is the stuff of genius.
You are too generous, SOYLENT…
But ok, I’ll confess to genius-ness.
This whole post is awesome, and the shopping list was hilarious, but this:
THAT screams for a graphic. It really does.
Working on it…
I’m still laughing at it
Posting it shortly…
This Oscar Wilde quote used to be posted in the local Barnes and Noble:
“It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.”
Oh, and parrots on helium would be a worthwhile experiment.
…sounding maybe like an engineer after an overdose on Mountain Dew?
That’s why we have to do the experiment, to find out. We should apply for federal funding, of course.