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Posts Tagged ‘Dr. Lemur’

In the mailbag:

Dear Dr. Lemur -

My cousin has asked me to become their friend on FaceBook.  I think she is a soul-less heartless monster for the way she has screwed one of her brother’s kids out of his inheritance and feel towards her exactly the way this quote puts it:

If I’d known my niece was going to turn out as she has, I would have gotten my sister a dingo for a baby shower present.  – leeann (a blogger)

Except I feel that someone should have sent the dingo to my aunt, instead – maybe even two dingoes just to be sure the job had been done.

What should I do?

Signed,

Wary Kitty in Kalamazoo

Dr. Lemur:  Well, Kitty, a little constructive criticism would do wonders, so if I may offer some that could provide you with needed assistance…?  Kitty, listen carefully because this is important, get a grip on your shoulders and pull your head out of your ass.  Just because this radioactive hose-beast is “family” by no means obligates you to have anything to do with her.

Take two Midol, grow a spine, and tell the creature to take a hike.

****

I’ll say this:  I don’t know why I chose the title I did.  Don’t try to make sense of it.

I can tell you that there is great news and that is that I had a consulting surgeon, probably one of ten in the country, who said that he loves surgery but doesn’t want to cut me open because he doesn’t think it will help.

“Sure, if you go see more surgeons one will cut you open, but I wouldn’t do it,” he said.

“Well, thank you, doc,” said I, and Cruel Wife sighed a sigh of relief along with me.

But, he says, the type of injury is most likely soft-tissue injury that’s just not healed and it’s referred pain.

I don’t know, perhaps that is code for “No idea what’s doing it,” but when I asked him “So you’re telling me that this is not in my head?” he said “Oh, no, it’s real.”

So, in some ways it is great news but in other ways we’re back to square one, with no real solution.  Regardless, I am going to see a longer-term pain management and I’m going to insist that we do something, anything, to manage this without the opiate-based painkillers which are just (a) not good for long-term pain control, and (b) a real pain in the ass for an engineer.  There are other solutions that are being used in Europe and I’ll bring that up with him but my first choice is what can we do to change the referred stuff.  For whatever reason, ligaments in my neck have impersonated my left arm and hand, and are doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme crappy job of the whole affair.

****

Hey, if you haven’t seen it, check out the movie “Aaah! Zombies!!” (Wasting Away).   How can you not like a movie where the story is from the zombie’s perspective and the “agent of change” is green goo in a barrel labeled “Baby Formula” that is then mixed into soft-serve ice-cream that uses cheap beer as an ingredient?  You can’t, I say.

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How much longer to we have to put up with Team Obama, again?

I’m experiencing failure to achieve liftoff in my guesses as to how they could alienate struggling and out-of-work families even more than they already have.  Then there are the fortunates like my family that still chafe at having to pay a lot of money to support everyone else (we are comfortable but we are not rich, nor do we feel secure in this economy).  And then there are the affluent who are probably getting tired of being Obama’s financial whipping-boy – whenever he gets blamed for something he talks about how evil the rich are and how raising their taxes even more is really just them paying their fair share.

This is enough to make one ill, especially when you think what, for example, $1000 means to you personally.  Now think about how many people who pay thousands of dollars (at a minimum) in taxes while these classless clowns could get their African Vacation.  A lot of people haven’t had a proper vacation in years because of the economy, or even had a job… Sure being President is a hard job and the family of the President does have stress, but you can’t tell me they are more stressed than the family that is getting foreclosed on and hasn’t yet figured out where they can go.

Although ignored by most of America’s liberal-dominated media, several online US news sites are reporting that Michelle Obama’s grand tour of southern Africa earlier this year cost American taxpayers nearly half a million dollars – and that’s just for the flights. This follows in the wake of claims this August from sources inside the White House itself that the First Lady may have spent “$10 million of taxpayers’ money on vacations alone in the past year.”  - Nile Gardiner

Live it up, douchebags.  Your first-term presidency time is running out and the election is growing nearer every day.  I doubt a second term is in the stars.

****

The idea of mountain coasters (mini rollercoasters on mountainsides) makes me think of Action Park (aka Traction Park).

It sounds like a GREAT idea!  What could go wrong?

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Dr. Lemur’s Steampunk Chocolate Geared for Women is now available on Zazzle.  It was designed to be smaller but if you want a larger version posted let me know.   Same goes for the matte finish – if you want the shiny stock (it’s cheaper) – let me know.  Some may prefer coffee cups, and you can find that option here.

And yes, I’m shamelessly plugging this.  I’m pretty pleased with it and it took some serious effort.

By the way – it might take a little time to filter through the Zazzle approval process (hour or so).

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This isn’t the final draft – you can tell because of the watermark that says “Not Final Draft” and the shplash of hot-pink in the lower right.  I would never release a final draft with a shplash of hot pink in the lower right.

(Yes, I said “shplash”)

But it gives you an opportunity to critique and make suggestions.  I’m all ears to things that could make it better.

Doesn’t the post title “Chocolate for Women” just sound absurd?  OF COURSE it is for women.  Heaven help you if you stand in the way.

****

My pet peeve of the hour?  An article I read a few days ago.  It involves the inability of the news media to understand the difference between “getting the shit shocked out of you” and “electrocuted”.

A man was electrocuted Sunday night in Madison County while, police suspect, he was attempting to steal copper wire.

Three witnesses stated they were driving in Alton, Ill., when they saw the man screaming for help, badly burned and bleeding. Emergency medical personnel and police responded, and the man was transported to Alton Memorial Hospital before being airlifted to a St. Louis area hospital.

He did not die.  Therefore, he was not electrocuted.  Get a dictionary you idiot illiterate english/communications majors.

He may have died later (no clue given in the article) of burns or complications stemming from gross stupidity but he wasn’t killed by the electricity.

****

A full week after this incident and I’m only just now able to comment on it in language that doesn’t involve me chewing on my tongue and frothing at the mouth.  Close, but I can get by now.

A Detroit father said agents with the Transportation Security Administration singled out his special-needs son for a pat-down while the family was headed to Disney World, MyFoxDetroit.com reported, an incident that the TSA admitted was a “case of bad judgment.”

David Mandy said agents at Detroit Metro Airport took his son Drew, 29, and asked him about the padding underneath his pants, which turned out to be adult diapers. Drew, who is severely mentally disabled, had trouble understanding the agents’ orders because his family said he has the mental capacity of a 2-year-old.

When the father tried to intervene and explain Drew’s disability, he said the two agents said, “Please, sir, we know what we’re doing.”

The agents confiscated a six-inch plastic hammer, something Drew had carried with him for 20 years for comfort. Agents called it a security threat, his father said, adding that they tapped the wall with it and said, “See, it’s hard. It could be used as a weapon.

The family was told they’d have to ship the hammer if they wanted to keep it, David Mandy said.

“I understand they’re trying to keep people safe,” Mandy said told MyFoxDetroit.com. “But come on, does he look like a terrorist?”

In a statement to FoxNews.com, the TSA said it’s reviewing the incident but early findings indicate this was an “isolated case of bad judgment.The TSA reached out to the Mandy family to apologize and said the man’s toy hammer should have never been confiscated.

“Isolated” case of bad judgement?  It sounds like only the latest in a long line of cataclysmically bad intrusions on American’s rights in the name of being fair to a bunch of muslim terrorists.

****

Found this on Fark.  Cruel Wife cringed and went “oooh oooh oooh” in disgust as I read it to her.

She said “That doesn’t bother you?”

I told her that the only thing that kept me from creeping out was the outside possibility that an individual with actual prostate issues might have had a legitimate use but I didn’t think about the main uses that it was probably intended for.

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This is the latest in a batch of steampunk graphics and will go on Zazzle when it is done.  It’s nowhere even close to being finished.  But finally I hit on the right combination of exposure, contrast, emphasis, composition – and something that was just wrong for so long became very very right in my mind.  I am not ordinarily extremely happy with a graphic but the foil matched up with the paper so well that I did a double-take – I thought I had somehow cut a layer out of the foil and accidentally blended it with the paper.

Advert text will read something like this:

What governs your life?
Something missing?
Take a spin with
Dr. Lemur’s Chocolate – Geared for women.

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That my testes traveled to my shoulderblades in record time (mere microseconds), beat only by the puckering of my butt so tightly that a singularity was formed.  (Run guys, run with that joke… RUN)

Seriously… I can’t watch it.  I can watch autopsies, watch surgeries, compounded bones, gooshed limbs, ok.  But this, because of my neck sends me screaming out of the room like an 8 year old girl.

Next week I’ll show the video where he gets beat out by the man who can turn his head 181 degrees.

More later if I have the energy.  Hard day.  Check back and I’ll probably have something.

****

Note:  Fair warning, I am/was in House mode – I’m trying to get the house ready for the out-laws (in-laws) and damaging myself to do it.  Cruel Wife deserves to be able to show her folks a back room that isn’t a pile of shiat and has all the frames around the windows, doors, and closets put up.  As you can guess, I get… intense, when I hurt badly.

Here we have a woman bitching that when her mother died she was more in touch with her cat more than her.   Had she written to this column It’s All About Me, Dr. Lemur, why my response below would have been quite different.

Q. Dealing With My Mother’s Death: My mother died in February after a long battle with cancer. She and I live in different countries but always tried to see each other a few times a year. I also have a sister who lives about two hours from my parents’ house. My mother knew for some time that the end was near. My sister and I asked time and time again to see her, but we were told by her and my father that she didn’t want to see us and that she wanted us to remember her as she was. While I was upset about this, I wasn’t going to argue or upset her. The day after she died, my father called me to tell me she had died. He mentioned several times that she died peacefully while looking at photos of their cat and that her last words were to the effect that my father should look after the cat. Now, I know my parents love this cat, but I am hurt and upset that she had nothing to say about either my sister or me or any of our children (her grandkids). Fast forward to her obituary, which did not mention any of her grandchildren by name but had several sentences about the cat. This was an obituary that my mother wrote herself about six months before she died. I am struggling now, as I feel angry, and then guilty that I am angry. I feel like actual human family members are more important than feline ones. I want to get past this and have positive memories of my mother, but I am hurt by being cut out of her final moments and her favoritism of a cat, which sounds ridiculous, I know!

A. Dr. Lemur: Cut the lady some slack you little ingrate.  The woman took care of you for eighteen years – fed, cleaned you, tended your boo-boos, listened to your inanest utterances, and sought reasons daily to NOT kill you as a teenager. You moved to a different country and I’d guess that you and your little snowflakes visited when it was convenient.   But by the time was growing near she felt she looked hideous and didn’t want to spoil your memory of her.  Yes, ultimately it is a vanity thing.  She doesn’t love you any less (although she might be tempted by your lack of empathy)  The woman was dying.  Her cats never cared in the least what she looked like – it is easy unconditional love and they were with her all the time, they were her children in the here and now.  What you won’t see until you choose to stop being so self-centered is that your mother was doing what she thought was the kindest thing possible by not letting you see her dying.   As for an obit, it’s hers to write.  If your family all loved her they would know that the obituary is for the acquaintances and describes her life – there’s nothing that says she has to account for each and every offspring.   If you all loved her, remember her for the reasons you loved her and celebrate her life and get off your self-importance merry-go-round.   Life was slowly being taken away from her – her friends, her hobbies, her loves, her health, her mobility, and lastly it took away her sense of self-worth and then her life.  Let her have her cats.  They weren’t taken from her and she was doing the best she could do at the time in that situation.  Go pop your angry balloon, have a beer, get laid, and if you’re still whiny, punch yourself in the face five or six times – hard.  If the problem still persists, you’re just a bitch and there’s really no help for that.

****

Ok, see the x-ray through the side of a semi-truck which shows lots of illegal aliens?  There’s a certain amount of radiation that is required to peer through the truck sides… how many BED’s‡ did those people get?  Is it considered cruel and inhumane to subject these people (who were whisked away from their homes to work here illegally) to high exposures of x-rays?  Should we stop using this awful method of enforcing borders when we should be giving everyone amnesty and instant green cards?

‡  Banana Equivalent Dose.  The amount of radiation exposure you get from eating a banana.  For me, I always read BED and think back to PATEOTS units as proposed by Neal Stephenson, which illustrates some Highly Toxic Substance X that can do Scary Thing Y with a quantity that fits on a “Period At The End Of This Sentence”.

Note:  If you can’t recognize my humane/amnesty/green-card statements as sarcasm, you need to go someplace else.

****

Rug F***ers is the perfect name of a carpet cleaning company, in my honest opinion.

****

Oh, boo hoo.  If you hate it here so much that you spit on people who aren’t doing anything to you then you need to quit school and find a good university “back home”.

I especially love how she takes the blame away from herself:

Al-Doaifi told officers she was spitting on “white people” because of the way her people are treated and that a “higher authority” made her do it, an officer wrote.

Huh.  I wonder if her “higher authority” is going to pay her fines and court costs.

****

The suspect, whose identity was not disclosed, has a history of mental illness.

Seriously, you think so?  Sheesh, you eat one person’s liver and you’re marked for life.  I mean, talk about being labeled.  It’s not likely that once he killed and dismembered his friend would need that liver anymore.

****

Michigan man wins $2M and is still on food stamps.

A man who won $2 million [has admitted] that he still uses food stamps.

Leroy Fick [snip] admitted he still swipes the electronic card at stores, nearly a year after winning a jackpot [snip] that more than half the prize went to taxes.

Fick says the Department of Human Services told him he could continue to use the card, which is paid with tax dollars. He told WNEM: “If you’re going to … try to make me feel bad, you aren’t going to do it.”

This is how you recognize a broken entitlement system.  One that allow people to feel entitled long after there is any need for them to take government money.   He should be fined for every penny retroactively that he used on food stamps since the day he collected his prize plus another 20% just for being an a$$hole.

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Thanks to the tireless efforts of Cruel Wife (who must put up with me or bury me – she’s on the fence right now), LC Aggie Sith (who pities me), and Steamboat McGoo (who mocketh me, and rightfully so), a brand new unique old idea has come to life.

Yes, ’tis arrogance that has caused me to put newbie-style watermarks on the image but dammit, I have slaved over this particular one, so I’m doing it and it’ll go up on Zazzle tomorrow night – or tonight if I’m feeling feisty enough.

The bib-t-shirt design with the classic lobster-bib look is on my slate for tomorrow night as well.

****

Real Clear Politics had this:

President Obama, with a coarse voice, warned a crowd in Ohio: “They’re fighting back. The empire is striking back. To win this election, they are plowing ten’s of millions of dollars into front groups. They are running misleading negative ads all across the country.”

It could easily read this way:

President Obama, with a hoarse voice from too many White House parties with Kwame Kilpatric told a crowd in Ohio:  “We’re losing it.  We tried to create a progressive empire by plowing billions and trillions of dollars into special interest groups and selected recipients to maximize our chances of getting re-elected.  And we went too far.  We’re machine-gunning ourselves in the feet with every move we make all across the country.  But we’ll win because we’re better than Republicans and <i>their</i> front groups.”

 

And on Fox News today:

Americans are so “scared” they’re not thinking straight about the upcoming elections, President Obama said over the weekend, as he sought to explain why voters are turning to Republican candidates.

The president, speaking at several rallies and fundraisers as part of his final get-out-the-vote stretch, said Republican candidates are “playing on fear” and suggested voters are falling for it. He said Americans have every reason to be worried, but lamented that “facts” aren’t doing his party any good this year.

Scared?  Oh yes, of Democrats.  Not thinking straight?  Never been clearer, Obama.  We’re crys-tal.

Of course facts aren’t doing your party any good, Obama!  Because the facts are this:  You screwed the pooch.

Getting more than a little tired of the Dems blaming everything (arrogantly) on ignorant masses, confusion, fear, or Republican lies.  Sorry, but when a laundry list of ills from every source and every direction presents itself… you can’t explain them all away, some must actually be true.

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