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Archive for June 11th, 2008

Well, as a father, I can help you. A veritable plethora of merchandise is sitting out there and all that needs be done to remedy the situation is to spot some in the crowd.

First, is the Yodeling Pickle.

Yodeling Pickle

If you’ve been looking for the perfect item to throw your money away on, your search is over. You can’t possibly need this. You can’t possibly use this. In fact, it is unlikely that you even WANT this.

And that’s why you should buy the Electronic Yodeling Pickle. You only live once, and we think it’s important to do something absolutely ridiculous once in awhile. And what can be more ridiculous than a yodelling pickle?

The Electronic Yodelling Pickle is a 6-1/2″ plastic pickle with a high-tech interior. When you press the pickle’s button (yes, this pickle has a button), it belts out a melodious yodel that will make you think you’re in the Swiss alps listening to a yodelling pickle.

But there is more… much more. Why, now dad can “Choke the Chicken”

Choke the Chicken

A lot of toys are annoying. Tickle-Me-Elmo gets on our nerves. Barbie is a stuck-up snob. Even the clinkity-clink of Slinkys has us climbing the walls after a few minutes.

And, yes, THIS toy is annoying, too. But there’s one big difference… With Choke The Annoying Chicken, you can get even.

Okayyyy… moving right along. Dads want something that is comforting yet manly at the same time. Like bacon.

Bacon Air Freshener

What’s with all these air fresheners with names like “Lilac Ambrosia” or “Daffodil Delight?” Give us a freakin’ break! We know what scents get us going, and “Rosewater Rhapsody” isn’t one of them.

If you want to really know what makes our bacon sizzle, just sizzle some bacon. Mmmmmmm. That’s the ticket.

Now you can get an air freshener that captures the fragrance you really crave… BREAKFAST MEAT!

Imagine filling your car or bedroom with the subtle aroma of smoked bacon.

It’s all possible with the

Funky Fresh Bacon Air Fresheners

Next stop coming up. This was out of stock (damn)… The ever so yummy Gummy Haggis! I know! Isn’t this incredible? You should be so lucky.

Gummy Haggis

Haggis is a traditional Scottish delicacy consisting of sheep entrails and spices boiled inside a sheep’s stomach. As much as we’d love to sell the genuine article, we’re just not in the business of boiled innards in stomach casing. We are, however, in the business of gummy candy that looks like boiled innards in stomach casing.

Lucky you. Each 3-1/2″ long, 100 gram hunk of brownish Gummy Haggis looks disturbingly realistic and has the unmistakable flavor of butterscotch. Sealed in plastic bag.

If your husband/dad is a man of discriminating tastes, several movies bear watching.

If you have kept up with me this far, GOOD FOR YOU. Listen closely:

Unless your dad/husband is a freak, don’t get him any of this. Well, perhaps the bacon air freshener. Look at the bright side, I have narrowed your choices down by presenting six things you ought not get him for Father’s Day.

Killer Klowns and Poultrygeist are more suitable for Christmas or Groundhog day, Polyester has smellovision but still is just too disturbing (What isn’t disturbing? You’re faced with a 300lb transvestite named Francine Fishpaw, a cheating husband, a sniffing-glue addicted son with a foot fetish and shows it by stomping on women’s feet, and a daughter that… nevermind…), if you’re going to eat Haggis eat the real thing, military guys will avoid that chicken as if it had ebola (rightfully so), and honestly the thought of a pickle that yodels makes my viscera crawl.

Honestly, a quiet nap with the kids over at the grandparents and the house being a no-nag zone for even three hours will make him plenty happy.

More thoughts on this topic later. Gotta get back to work.

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A friend just forwarded to me a great graphic that is good for a talking point. While I would give him credit, I may only refer to him as “The Dude”. He does not drink white russians. Or have a rug of any kind.

Safe to say that this might just be a banner year in revenue for the states who tax a percentage of every dollar’s worth. So while politicians bitch, don’t you believe it for a second – it helps them offset their inability to behave competently with respect to bloated budgets. Ever watch a magician perform? You are looking where he wants you to look. This is not conspiracy theory – the states are filling their coffers – but it’s up to us to make sure that changes, if only we weren’t such strong believers in entitlement.

(click for larger graphic)

(source: http://www.inflationdata.com/inflation/images/charts/Oil/Inflation_adjusted_gasoline_price.jpg)

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To help focus on something other than the apathy, here’s a link to a healthy dose of Dr. MicNinja.

Below is a neutered teaser from that series to convince you that you must go see the Doctor (McNinja)… (click on it) it’s just one of about forty bazillion pages to this series, where a return home to see the parents is not always easy.

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Good news, or at least it is initially comforting. Go to DPUD’s post titled “Senator Jim DeMint creates conservative PAC

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And, in all likelihood, the Meeting of the Morons may not happen in Michigan, because we’re all going to die.  (sigh)  And I was looking forward to smoked dead animal flesh.  Damn.

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Abu Dhabi is buying the Chrysler Building.  The time to sell is NOT when the dollar is so freaking low.  This is the perfect time to hand over property and buildings at a furious pace if you don’t think of the big picture.  Forget economics for a second and be honest:  How many Middle East countries/companies do you want owning major real-estate in the US?  Or China for that matter?  Or EU countries?

In other words, any country that has issues with the US.  Notice that I’m saying “countries” – not people of any color/race/creed/religion – because it’s policies of countries that are going to hold sway ultimately.

You could argue that the more they invest here the more incentive to keep the US strong, but I still maintain that we’re giving footholds.

I don’t know… my feelings on this are vague and not well articulated, and I may very well delete this post.  I can’t be the only one feeling uncomfortable, however.

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