Archive for October, 2008

UPDATE: Oooh, yet another reason why you should vote for Obama… OR ELSE.

UPDATE #2:  Obama’s answer to those of us who don’t want higher taxes:  Selfishness.

Lemur King’s Note: What?  I’m selfish because the level I think I have a right to keep as the fruits of my labors is different than yours?  Well effin’ bite me, Obama.  I could at least look at you without sneering but now I’d probably spit on you, you arrogant creep.


This from Drudge:

The Obama campaign has decided to heave out three newspapers from its plane for the final days of its blitz across battleground states -- and all three endorsed Sen. John McCain for president!

The NY POST, WASHINGTON TIMES and DALLAS MORNING NEWS have all been told to move out by Sunday to make room for network bigwigs -- and possibly for the inclusion of reporters from two black magazines, ESSENCE and JET, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

Despite pleas from top editors of the three newspapers that have covered the campaign for months at extraordinary cost, the Obama campaign says their reporters -- and possibly others -- will have to vacate their coveted seats so more power players can document the final days of Sen. Barack Obama's historic campaign to become the first black American president.


Some told the DRUDGE REPORT that the reporters are being ousted to bring on documentary film-makers to record the final days; others expect to see on board more sympathetic members of the media, including the NY TIMES' Maureen Dowd, who once complained that she was barred from McCain's Straight Talk Express airplane.

And Fox…  Three Reporters Removed from Obama Plane:

Journalists from three major newspapers that endorsed John McCain — the Washington Times, the New York Post and the Dallas Morning News — have been booted from Barack Obama’s campaign plane for the final leg of the presidential race.

Well, I gotta say that on one hand I’m not surprised.  On the other hand, if you really did have space problems, who you gonna ditch?  Are you going to get rid of the people that fawn over you and stroke your ego or the ones that you don’t like because you think they don’t like you?

Here I want to point out –

  1. Obama is about change.  No idea what kind of change or how he plans to do it, but he’s about change
  2. Obama is already setting up his election party, so sure is he that he’s going to win
  3. Obama’s actions from being evasive to hiding his past to throwing out folks he doesn’t like to arrogant moves like #2… expect more control because he’s not going to change when he gets in power except to become even more like himself
  4. Nancy Pelosi says that control of both the house and senate by the Democrats will be a much more bipartisan thing and we should not worry
  5. Supreme court seats may be up for grabs
  6. Obama is the most liberal member out there
  7. If Obama wins it is because we’ve moved beyond race, but if he loses it is because we are not beyond race.  Just who is it that hasn’t moved beyond race again?  This kind of thinking that is so prevalent among Obama supporters frankly scares me
  8. Socialism is what the Democrats are after
  9. We can’t afford Social Security – do you really think that adding national health coverage is going to help anyone in the long term?

Even if you’re democrat, do you really want a bunch of people with that much power?  Any bunch of like-thinking people with that much power?  What happens if they all decide to embark on a really bad idea?  What kind of checks are there against it?  Think long and hard before you answer.

This election is about Control, not Change.

Read Full Post »

It’s not a trend but it sure does smack down the smug Globular Worming theorists who gloated any time they heard words like “the highest temperature since the previous record set in 1994”.


Britain in October Snows

Swiss Mess

Florida is Frigid

More later… if we don’t all roast alive first.

Well, one more thing, and then I’ll go…

Methane from natural sources could do more than CO2?  Well… yeah.  It’s many times more of a greenhouse gas than CO2 (just like water vapor) and has been increasing.  Could it be that man is not quite the ogre all the hysterical fart-sniffers say he is?


And speaking of climate change… I bet the atmosphere was mighty chilly in their home leading up to the… uh… “incident”.  Good gravy, you have to be an amazing kind of violent to stab someone 222 times.  The “Oops, I slipped” defense ain’t gonna work.

Read Full Post »

It’s a world where Obama has snookered it and it’s a world where fish get hernia operations.  Many thanks to The Sun for catching this important piece of insanity.  They spent $1000 to give… A.  Fish.  A. Hernia.  Operation.

If you charged the British taxpayer $1000 so a politician could have a sitdown fish dinner topped with caviar he’d be dead meat.  Apparently surgery on a fish doesn’t stink.



Eighteen months for a gangsta rap video starring his 85 year old senile grandmother.  Thoughtless, heartless, and plain stupid… but worthy of 18 months in juvie?  What law did he break?  Elder abuse?  No, elder abuse is beating, stealing from, emotionally abusing, starving, etc. your parent or grandparent.  This is called “being a little creep and in need of a good smackdown by your parents”.

When I was growing up no one would have taken you to jail over it because they knew that your parents would be a far worse sentence.

I wish prosecutors would stop twisting the law to salve their offended sensibilities.

Now… firing a gun around town and into buildings… lock him up.


I have a pet peeve.  Reporters are supposed to have strong english skills, right?  Why then do you see rampant errors in their writing?  Just one example of what I see everywhere is this excerpt from a FoxNews article online:

A series of conversations secretly recorded by 1 of Carona’s former assistant sheriffs and close friends promises to figure prominently in the case.

See that?  “…recorded by 1 of Carona’s…”   Come on, I work diligently to get units right in my biz and make sure that equations are correct, can’t these idiots put words together with any degree of competency?  You see it in books all the time, too.

The above error looks like it was written by a teen on his text msg:  “U R so wrong”  or “BRB”


More later…

Read Full Post »

The Online Times, Britain’s answer to Pravda, has published a fantastic read on the nuclear airplane.

Ian Poll, Professor of Aerospace Engineering at Cranfield university, and head of technology for the Government-funded Omega project, is calling for a big research programme to help the aviation industry convert from fossil fuels to nuclear energy.

Note:  I feel compelled to point out that when I did a Google on Omega Project it came back with a link, that as far as I can tell after extensive browsing, has absolutely nothing to do with airplanes or nukes.  Ahem.  Check your sources, Times!  Also note that my use of the word “fantastic” above does not mean “great”.  It means “entirely based on fantasy”.

Their answer to high-velocity impacts of the reactor in the event of “an incident” is to jettison them gently where they will waft peacefully to the ground with a bump so light as to not wake up a sleeping babe.

Apparently the Times, like Pravda, also means never having to say you faced reality.

Professor Poll, obviously a globular worming alarmist:

In the worst-case scenario, if the armour plating around the reactor was pierced there would be a risk of radioactive contamination over a few square miles.

Quite acceptable risk if you aren’t the poor SOB whose home was in one of those few square miles.

Now, moving on…

Have a heart!  Two little motors.  Two little single-point failures acting serially.  You wouldn’t allow this on your space shuttle would you?  Well, I guess you do, but it wouldn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy-like if my life depended upon it.  Face it, if an artificial heart fails, CPR won’t work because the damn thing won’t compress.

I suppose though, that by the time you are faced with using one of these devices… you’re pretty much out of options.    So while I knock the idea a bit, I have to say that the effort is worthwhile – very much so – and I hope they succeed in a solution that works and is highly reliable.  Robocop, here we come.

Or Lego Heart, here we come.  Go check out Vanessa Ruiz’s entry on this (the link to the left).  Pretty cool.


Hey.  Do you feel better now?  Nancy Pelosi says “Don’t be afraid of Democrat control”.  No, you shouldn’t fear a filibuster-proof democratic control of house/senate and a democratic president.  And no, the fact that Obama is the most liberal Senator we have, that shouldn’t worry you either.

Unless you don’t give a rat’s ass about anything conservative whatsoever and hate your current way of life.  Spread that wealth around, baby!  It’s only fair, right?

Do like the cartoon showed a week or so ago… When your kid goes trick-or-treating this coming Friday night, grab their candy at the end, pull out a third of it and tell them “we’re giving it to other kids, and yeah some of them made bad choices and watched TV instead of trick-or-treating, some got sick and couldn’t go, and some of them don’t even celebrate Halloween, and some of them are counting on you to do the work so they can get their cut out of what you do without exertion, and you should just quit whining because you should share the results of your efforts”.

So if you can say all that with a straight face to your kid, then go right ahead and vote Democrat all the way down the line.  You socialist, you.

Read Full Post »

Far Cry 2… oh boy.

Went through 4 more pairs of Adult Depends Extra Mileage™ while playing last night.

Impact on my life?  No worse than if I was just a normal barfly from Cheers.

Oh no.  That’s pretty bad, isn’t it?

After 8 hours cumulative real play (not counting the total-confusion-aimless-wandering) I have really only accomplished one mission which appears to involve a high body count and heavy dependence upon a flamethrower as I went through a house systematically looking for a guy to send a radio message for me.  I then raided a shantytown full of bad guys who all seemed to hate me on sight.

The cool thing about this game is that you don’t have to spend a huge amount of time dying because you are allowed to be very free in how you accomplish your objectives, which means that you are not in a shooting gallery like so very many other games.  It’s quite refreshing.  And I haven’t explored a fraction of the game map.

apotheosis, if you’re out there and reading this… join us… come over to the dark side.  You can do it buddy.

Read Full Post »

Well this was interesting.  From the NY Post.  Regardless of polls (except the only poll worth a damn is the election itself) the markets would seem to be wary of Obama – change is ok if you can actually articulate what it is.  Obama doesn’t want to get too deep into the details for fear of exposing his socialist trappings.  We already know about his liberal core.

Gasp!  Surely Obama can’t… huh?  Socialist?

But… but… but… Obama just can’t be a socialist!

But, what if he is…?

One viewAnother view.

Like it matters.  He’s already won, rightNot so fast.


UPDATE!  Ha!  I called it.  Turns out the little weirdo did indeed make it up.  Seriously you gotta be pretty messed up in the head to clobber and cut yourself for the attention… Embarrassing all the way around.

Cut or not-Cut?  That is the question.

Now, I’m not saying anything (refer to pic, please)…

but… Notice that the “B” is (1) not real deep, which doesn’t make sense from an enraged attacker standpoint, and (2) backwards.

Backwards.  Why backwards?  One of three possibilities:

  1. Attacker cut her while she was on her back and he was at her head, looking in the direction of her toes
  2. The attacker is dsylexic
  3. The cut could have been made in a mirror, where it’s really easy to get left/right mixed up

Enough inconsistencies in her story remained that the cops wanted her to take a polygraph test.  Results not yet released.


At least in the face of all the fear and uncertainty, OPEC has cause to feel uneasy as well (Read:  Iran and Venezuela).

The international oil cartel agreed Friday to cut daily production by 1.5 million barrels in a move to drive up prices on the international market — and, at the gas pump.

But, crude oil futures went in the other direction, falling 6 percent Friday in London trading on speculation that demand will continue to fall.

Oil fell sharply in morning trading on the New York Mercantile Exchange, with light sweet crude priced for December delivery at $64.40.

Hardline OPEC members Iran and Venezuela had been pushing members to slice production by 2.5 million barrels a day, with Iran’s oil minister declaring, “The era of cheap oil is finished.” When asked before Friday’s meeting what price Iran would want for its oil, Gholam Hossein Nozari boasted, “The more the better.”

Arrogant greedy little prick.  (sorry for the profanity, but it is warranted)


A Missouri high school – as many as 50 students may have been exposed to HIV.  Nice.

Jasmine Lane, a 16-year-old sophomore, said her boyfriend from a neighboring high school broke up with her on learning of the news — after she bought them tickets to homecoming.

Well, Jazzy, now the world knows one of two things after your telling of your tale of woe:  Either your boyfriend doesn’t know much about AIDS – OR – that you and he are riding the hobby-horse together.

Read Full Post »


How embarrassing… He left a thumbprint.  Of course they can’t match it to his thumb.  Oh it is so confusing.

About two hours after the robbery, a nine-fingered Perez went to an emergency room. Police found out about it, fingerprinted the thumb and transported it to the hospital for a comparison, according to a report in The Examiner.

So they fingerprinted the thumb and then compared the print to… what?

“Gee, sir, we went to the hospital to match prints and we could only get nine prints and none of ’em matched… damn.  Looks like the perp got away.”

Update #2:

Globular Worming hysteria nuts just refuse to admit there are other possibilities, don’t they?

On the zero-biased NPR an animal shelter worker matter-of-factly stated that the high number of feral cats is a direct consequence of global warming.  …?… …?… I leave you to ponder the vast gulf of stupidity encircled by that statement.


My preordered copy of Far Cry 2 is due in tomorrow.

Which means two things:

  1. Cruel Wife is about to become, for all intents and purposes, a game-widow
  2. My blogging must by necessity suffer
  3. I’ll have enough fun to wet my pants

Far Cry 2 Review

Ok, so that was three things up above.  Thought I’d missed that, didn’t you?

Right… back to it… I recognize my responsibilities, however.  Zöe-dog will still get her 1-2 hours per day.

Really… look at the screenshots below… who could blame me?

Read Full Post »

UPDATE:  Obama/Palin pic at bottom of post…  and while we’re on that topic… Obama’s whining of smears against him is mostly because they are mostly true.


The number of sequels is up there.  Way up there.  And you start to run out of creative ways to mince meats.  So what do you do?  Stop?  No way!  You just keep going until Jason finally dies of old age.

And by now he must be pretty old.   What does an old psychopath use to ply his trade?

Glad you asked.

Click to biggerish it.

No, it is not done.  WIP.  And I know the perspective is off but I still wanted to throw it up there.  I’ve had my adobe software crash so many times that I’m *this close* to just saying screw it and using gimp/inkscape from here on out.  Fed up, I tell you…


PUPDATE… 10/21/08

(Click on pics to make them biggerer.)

Just a few weeks ago...

Just a few weeks ago...

Helping Rake Leaves

Taking a Break with Chew Blanket

Stalking GirlHead


People ought to stop trying to find irregularities in voting registration and just trust that the recruiters are doing the right thing.  Just leave ACORN alone.

“There was no fraud involved,” said Nudelman, a Democrat who supports Barack Obama. “This person is a dead fish.”


More on the USB Dog Humping… who thinks this stuff up?  View the movie…
At least the car was a rental. Chunk of metal falls from sky, destroys car.
It appears that Rep. Murtha has issues. Might have issues with the election. It would be justice.


Read Full Post »

Sorry, but does anyone worry when someone like Obama comes along and says:

I promise you. We won’t just win New Hampshire. We will win this election and, you and I together, we’re going to change the country and change the world.

I worry. I worry a LOT.

Even the simplest reason is enough to frighten: It shows an ego that surpasses Clinton.

Second: It shows a fundamental lack of reality.

Third: No one knows what his changes will be. No one can know, because he’s never said anything concrete.


If only Obama could bring back global warming…

Thirty Years of Warmer Temperatures Go “Poof”.

Thing is, not a lot of papers are published that question global warming, because it is against diktat.


Let’s assume for a second that Obama is here to change the world… do you think he’d change this?

Iran Arrests Spy Pigeons Near Nuclear Site


Poisonous Chemical Linked to Deadly Chinese Milk Crisis Found in Edible Sex ‘Spreads’

I love the quote from the British Food Standards Agency:

This is a first. We’ve never had to put out an alert before on ‘willy spread’ — chocolate-flavored or otherwise

Although I’m a little confused as to how they classified this as a food.  It’s not nutritional, but then again neither is Domino’s Pizza.


I was sent this e:mail joke and I had to post it even though it’s probably everywhere and back already:

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico..  This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep…?

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens…!

Read Full Post »

Well, not naked.  Free.  Settle for free.

I’ve been going over a HUGE amount of material in trying to figure out pyrotechnics (of the legal kind) like smoke bombs and flames to use with a pumpkin for Halloween.  I want my daughter to be the geekest girl out there and nothing says “geek” quite like a flaming, smoking, spitting pumpkin that is melting the asphalt driveway.

And then I got into reading about all manner of things – dark aluminum powder, potassium perchlorate,  glycerin, potassium nitrate/sucrose mixtures (KNO3) for rocketry, the addition of metallics (Al, Mg, Mn, Cu) for different energy outputs, rocket motor geometries and stages…. ooooh oooh oooooh oooh!

So anyway, go check out Richard Nakka’s Experimental Rocketry Website.

Essentially you have a sugar fuel, an oxidizer, some reactive metals, and lots of fun.  Yep, nothing fun can’t get funner by adding a little thermite.

Practical Pyrotechnics is a good read, too.

So as I add to this post tomorrow I’m going to throw in material on smoke bombs, which are dirt simple to make.  Thing is, all the recipes you find on it are essentially the same mixtures that you use in rocketry to make a solid fuel rocket.  Tells me you ought to be using sodium bicarb or something to slow the reaction down.

Let’s be clear here, though… If you don’t have any chemistry or physics experience:  Don’t even think about trying anything until you do.  The simplest seeming things might have negative consequences, which can be (a) unstable, (b) give off bad byproducts, (c) be toxic, or at best (d) a waste of time or money.  The damn things are flammable, too.  If you aren’t careful you could get burned.

Note: That was the end of the safety lecture.  You are responsible for your own safety.  If you want to do something stupid and illegal there’s all manner of recipes for M-80’s, flash powder, guncotton, etc. just lying around for the taking on the web, and I’m not going to put it here.

Read Full Post »

Update Friday Afternoon…

Ear checks out ok.  Swelling, irritation, etc.  Should be fine, just don’t use the hearing aid for a while and use some steroid ear drops.  Whew.

And now for a new, and totally worthless Guinness Book World Record.  The World Record for Having the Most Snails on Your Face at One Time. Oh yeah… you go girl.

… okay, moving right along…

Damn those flaming squirrels and their forest-fire-causing activities.

Shooting yourself has to hurt.  Shooting yourself with this bullet track has to really hurt.

Don’t tase me, bro!  Squeal.  Oink.

Don’t decapitate me, ho. Actually, if he was a criminal, I don’t feel so bad.  Had he stayed home and hung out with friends it wouldn’t have happened.  I’m not fond of violent/creepy stalkers.

Family Cremates Mom on BBQ, Keeps Benefits. Spooky scary sucker.

Man chews through belly-busting 20-lb. burger.


Yokay, short post tonight.  (Thursday night)

One would think that good ear safety would include ear plugs, not sticking things in your ears, minimize loud music, etc., right?

So what are some things considered “not safe”?

Things That Don't Play Well with Ears.

Don’t forget the other thing that can damage your hearing… in my case, Cruel Wife…

She Nags Because She Cares.

See the blue thing in the center of the first image?  That’s my hearing aid exactly only mine is black.  You know what?  It is entirely possible that today when I went to put it in during the lunch meeting at work I managed to do something to my eardrum. These new hearing aid styles go way freaking deep into your ear.  And if you put them in wrong… well, it can hurt.

Doesn’t hurt as bad as it would if Obama wins the election, but getting up there.

Sharp nasty stabbing pain that goes through your head, sick/sweaty, pain all afternoon, and strange hearing.   Give you three guesses as to what that might mean.  No, hemorrhoids aren’t in the running.

I go see the doc tomorrow.  Hopefully it just means there’s swelling and/or wax against the eardrum.

Read Full Post »

No, not the trip to work every day.  Yes, the roads are bad enough, but cars driven by zombies don’t normally eat your brains.

Take a look at Item #1: A book on the net.  Really.  It is called…

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead

It's a real book.

Well, an entire book is good and all if you have memorized it, and is probably the best of it’s kind on the market, but it is hardly safe as a snap reference when in a tight bind, e.g. being stalked by groaning, oozing, brain-eating zombies.

So, for example, while a cube-denizen whom we shall call “Phil” is frantically looking for page 74, where there is this cute little diagram and a bullet-list wherein item 23 says “Aim for the head” he’s going to “get recruited” and start moaning “Brrrrraaaaaaaaaaaainssssss” because he couldn’t find it in time.

This, of course, is tragic.  And unnecessary.  It could have been avoided with a good quick-reference guide, Item #2, such as a flyer printed on recycled paper (going green):

Click to embiggen. It's not a real product.

No, I’m not suggesting you shoot him – for it does bear an uncanny resemblance to some celebrity, does it not? – but rather if you see a zombie as scary as this (by referring to your handy flyer as a reference identification is a snap), you can quickly refresh your memory of the proper procedure – especially if they are groaning, oozing, brain-eating zombies.

Note:  Any resemblance to any person real, fictional, alive, or dead is purely coincidental.  Undead resemblance – that was intentional.


An individual whose brains were apparently eaten but was still not inducted into “the club” as he was found lacking…  Democratic U.S. Rep. Tim Mahoney was found to be cheating on his mistress.  The bastard!


I am sure that the enviro-zombies are moaning that this was predicted by their global warming models.

Grape Slurpees coming right up.

Eastern Oregon Shivers.

In general, the weather this summer was the worst I have seen in at least 20 years.” – U.S. Geological Survey glaciologist Bruce Molnia, bitching about the thickening of the glaciers.

Funny, but that last article…

Two hundred years of glacial shrinkage in Alaska, and then came the winter and summer of 2007-2008.

Got that?  TWO HUNDRED YEARS OF GLACIAL SHRINKAGE.   I thought it was man-made and this century’s hedonism that has hurled us down the fiery trail to destruction.  Guess not.


A great graphic for a food item even if it will give you food poisoning… Wealth Spread!

Read Full Post »


Yes, Cruel Wife… I know it is 7:30.  I know it is time to get up.  Give me a few more minutes, K?

Yes, Cruel Wife, don’t yell, I know it is 8:05.  Thanks.  A few more minutes, all right.

Yes, Cruel Wife I know it is… WHAT???  It’s TEN TO NINE?  WHYDIDN’TYOUSAYSOMETHING?  I’m LATE.

Followed by a 17 second shower, shave (half the face – the left half), shirt-shoes-socks-pants-tie, remove socks and shoes and put on socks first, pants go on the bottom half… brush teeth… yech, what’s that new toothpaste… neosporin?  In the truck, backing up, forget the tree because trees can be replaced, onto the highway, and it’s off to work at a high rate of speed.  At work by ten.

Late, but no one cared. Damn.  Damn, damn, damn.  If I were on fire there’d be no one in the world who’d pee on me to put the flames out.  Glad to have run over senior citizens getting to work on time.

Work.  Translate complex assembly to spreadsheet format so we can track our errors to the grave, after they have been discovered.  Lunch… three New York Peppermint Patties (ok, five).  Dessert… another pot of coffee.

5pm.  Need to leave by 5:30 to get home by 6:30 at the latest to care for the kids whilst Cruel Wife sells cooking utensils to a bunch of chain-smoking blue-hair ladies with knit shawls that look like they were made out of cat fur yarn but really are just shawls coated in cat fur.   Thing is, the odds are against them serving kool-aid spiked with LSD, which is kind of a bummer considering how these things go – discussions about bowel movements, perms, the price of bananas, and that cute young man running for president… what’s his name?  Oh yes, John McCain.  Glad it’s her doing these things.

Driving down the freeway to the back-road route home.  Doing 77mph.  Sun’s in your face and just staying between the lines gives you the firsthand knowledge of what an ant must feel like under a hot sun and magnifying glass – your brain sizzles quietly to the sound of screaming retinas.  A hand held up doesn’t help the glare through the bug spattered windshield but that doesn’t matter – they’re really just there to take your mind off of the spiderweb cracks.

Look in the rear-view mirror on the off-ramp and realize that the blue car is a state trooper – and it dawns on you that the sound you hear is the siren.  Shit, he’s not passing you, he’s on your tail.  Locking the brakes and wrenching the wheel to the side is a time proven manner of impressing the cops so it seems like it is warranted here.  Thirty feet of shredded smoking rubber later your vehicle comes to a shuddering stop in a cloud of petroleum toxins.

The trooper edges up to the passenger side of the truck and opens the door.  He looks agitated.  He looks angry.  And he definitely does not look like he has a sense of humor – either on the job or off it.  Perhaps it was crushed when he was a child.  We just don’t know.  Without preamble the trooper submits a request for proof of insurance and registration and it is here that you sense that there will be no banter, no witty repartee, no friendly camaraderie.

A quick fumble through the glove box and frantic examination of the official-looking card confirms that your proof of insurance card is a year old because the new one is right where it belongs – on the desk at home, where it can’t get lost.  The officer is granted access to the proof of insurance card – gotta hold back that registration because of the shaky hands thing going on.  One baby step at a time.  Don’t show fear.  They can smell fear you know…

Sudden flash of insight… When asked if he had the siren on for a while he answers through clenched teeth “Yes.”   Damn.  Damn, damn, damn.  Insight #2:  The open window and rushing air is enough to cause one’s hearing aids to clamp down on the outside noise – all outside noise.  Showing the officer the hearing aids helps his composure, and the groveling part can never hurt.  Much.  Hard to fake microelectronics on spur of the moment.

Officer reaches into the glovebox, pushing the heroin kit and baggies of weed aside so he can get at the registration.  It’s wet because of the spilled beer on the dash, but still readable.  He takes all the personal information and politely requests a small powwow back at his vehicle.  If the officer wishes to palaver at his mode of transportation who are you to argue? First thing you notice is that the guy could be your younger brother, by about ten years, perhaps your son.  Ok, so that has you off balance.  Like you weren’t already.

Lots of questions are thrown out.   Where do you work? [Insert Town Name].   What do you do? Aerospace Engineer. How long have you worked there? Ten years.  Ten long years.  Ten long heart wrenching goddamned years.  Ten years of … oh.  You don’t want to hear that, do you? You have hearing aids. (Not a question, that.)   Huh?  Yeah. You read lips? Hell yes.  But the only reason I couldn’t hear you with the aids was that they can cut out on you like when I had the window down.  What’s that?  My WINDOW TINT? Window tint has to go. No shit? No shit. Hell yeah, I can get rid of it.  No problem. Officer gives long look.  Long long look, suddenly mentions how his dad has a hearing aid and a cochlear implant.  Does he like them? The officer says Nah, not the hearing aid, he says it makes things sound like shitYou laugh a bit hysterically, over the top for the situation. Yeah, they work better than the old box kind though.

After the conversation comes to a close, we hug for a few seconds, he gets in his car and drives off.

Driving home.  20 mph under the speed limit.  Suspicion is that the cop was going to nail some ass to a wall for speeding but has opted to give an early Christmas present.  Scraping tint is a whole lot cheaper than a ticket.  Spot two more sunny-weather patrol cars out working on a tan and boosting township revenue.

Home.  Home crap home. Kids nowhere to be seen, dog chewing on dress shoe.  Cruel Wife jumps up, grabs tools of her trade and says “Good luck with the kids” and runs out the door.  The kids, hearing the door and noting that they did not exchange goodbye grief-rituals begin rending garments and gnashing teeth… followed by hysterical wails and blubbery weeping.  Dog switches to left dress shoe.  Cruel Wife runs back in for a happy reunion quickly followed by a second attack of separation anxiety from the youngest child, Destructo-Boy.  Defib paddles sorted the problem out.  Dog forcibly removed from shoes.

Boy on back of couch, removed forcibly.  Boy activates ice dispenser with no glass.  Boy writes all over face with pen.  Boy is discovered a few minutes later around the corner with the dish sponge in his mouth, sucking on it.  Boy spends 20 minutes making weird faces with mouth and looking like he wants to retch. Two very long hours pass with endless permutations of the Boy’s antics described above and it is time for bed.  Toothbrushes are apparently sorted not by color, or size, or by image printed on the handle but by how worn the bristles look.  Check.  Write that down:  GirlHead insists that brushes sorted by bristle wear.  Must’ve missed that in the Book of Good Parenting (which I do not own).   Bedtime stories  – Frog and Toad and The Cat in the Hat.  Boy falls asleep in your lap and the location of his elbow explains why there is no feeling whatsoever anywhere in your groin anymore.   GirlHead tries the Little Girl Smile of Smiting and rolls a critical hit – daddy does not get a saving throw.

Lights go out. Time for a bowl of chili, loads of cayenne pepper, pepper jack cheese, and mustard.

Time for House…

Thus endeth a day in the life of the Lemur King.

Note:  I really was late for work.  No one cared.  No lunch, just chocolate mints.  I really did get pulled over.  No heroin, weed, or beer was anywhere near my truck or me at any time.  I did not hug the officer goodbye.  Yes the pup chews on my shoes while I am wearing on them.  It’s kind of affectionate. Yes, the boy put a days-old used dish sponge in his mouth.


Update:  I like my kids and I have a hard time understanding the Nebraska Dump-Your-Kid-Off-No-Questions-Asked Law (Safe Haven Act).   Pretty damn pathetic if you ask me.  Then again, I don’t know the kids either.  Usually though, the acorn don’t fall far from the tree.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »