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Archive for December, 2008

The news headlines are in.   The panic presses have been smoking with ill tidings.

Apparently in luxury items we did not buy like we should have.  Supposedly in this day of deflating stock portfolios, home values taking on water rapidly, and a wee bit o’ uncertainty about our jobs … well, we failed people.

Drops in revenue relative to last year’s period:

  • Luxury item sales down 35%.
  • Electronics and appliances down 27%
  • Women’s apparel down 23%
  • Furniture down 20%
  • Men’s apparel and footware tied for 14%
  • Online sales down 2%

But is it truly truly true-ish to say that we’ve ridden over a cliff?  Perhaps not.  In fact it’s pretty likely that the patient is lethargic, not dying of systemic infection.

It isn’t the Great Depression, folks.  Far from it.  Amazon did wonderfully.  The stores I visited were bustling with activity.  Rather, they bustled with people that were thoughtful about purchases rather than throwing stuff in their carts w/o a second’s thought (like the last few obscene displays of hedonistic credit-frenzy).

But lets take a step back here and ask:  Did we have any right to expect gains over last year?

Not really, no.  Consumer credit reliance for all sectors has been at all-time highs.  Given the average personal debt, loss in stock portfolios, dramatic decrease in home values, and increasing unemployment… it is nothing short of amazing that this year was not a bloodbath.

But not everybody is out of work.  Not everybody is in danger of losing their job tomorrow.  We still buy food, toilet paper, pizza, and gifts.  I’m not downplaying those who are jobless, as I went 8 months without work during a round of layoffs years ago – I do understand the stress and loss of self-respect that comes with the territory.

Now, that said – can we please see a listing of retailer profits v. years going back to the 70’s?    In adjusted dollars, please.  Percentages tell us nothing other than trends in a relative sense.

About the only thing I could point to that is a useful benchmark is the MarketWatch S&P Retail Index.  If you take out the ridiculous dot-com period and the Fannie/Freddie years of stupidity, our current level puts us back into an area that seems supported by the trend up to the mid 90’s.   I could be totally full of shite.  Often am.  I’d welcome some interesting dialogue along these lines, frankly (without being asses about it, thank you).

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Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everybody.

If you’re like me, you’re stuffing yourself silly on sugar cookies, eggnog, and braunschweiger.

And regretting what pounds may come when we shuffle onto our mortal scales…

Have no fear, a doctor is using or justly earned flab to offset your (and his) carbon buttprint.  Using liposuction fat as biodiesel.

I like Brad Pitt’s idea in Fight Club ever so slightly better (using liposuction fat to make soap and sell it back to rich people) but this is a fat… errr… fantastical idea.

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Update: Say what you will of Bush, but he does care.  Plus the WSJ had an article some time back that I saved, and I saved it so it could not be forgotten as he leaves office and the Obamessaiah moves in.  (PDF file below)  Don’t get me wrong, he’s done a lot of stuff that I could not and cannot agree with, but the general treatment of him has been pretty damn poor.

wsj-treatment-of-bush-has-been-a-disgrace

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Here’s Zoe… six months old and full of pee, vinegar, bad habits, and a ginormous big heart.  (All pics will grow if you click them.)

zoe-snowdog

Me and dog.   It has taken a lot of work to protect my Mr. Incredible secret identity, hence the black bar.

stranger-and-zoe

Yes, it’s a 4×4 Jeep.  Yes, I could have driven to work.  But why, when you can telecommute?  Actually, a huge amount of time was wasted trying to get dug out.

snowed-in

Physically, I paid for that.  Paid and paid and paid.  Am still paying.  My neck is out.  What else is new, right?  Damn it smarts tho!

Ah, another one of Zoe…

zoe-snowdog2

Now…  what to get Dad or the Husband for Christmas?

Hint:  Get him something that you already have the money budgeted and/or set aside already.  Just plunking down the credit card for a spendy toy is not doing him favors, it’s just aging him prematurely.  No wonder we die first.  We want to.

  1. Tools.  Give him an envelope with cash in it marked “For Tools Only”.
  2. Games (proof that this is necessary is shown  here)
  3. Toys that blur the line between “dad’s” and “the kids”
  4. If you can’t give him a teenager to mow the lawn in time for this upcoming spring, AND can afford it, this is pretty sweet. (look for the robotic lawn mower)
  5. A universal remote.  Like this sports-car of a remote.  Ooooh, sexy!
  6. Don’t take this one personally, but he doesn’t always want to listen to y’all babbling, the dog grunting as it craps on the floor, wife’s girlfriends griping about their husbands, the telephone, or the kids fighting.  Noise canceling headphones.
  7. Gift certificates!  Know a place he loves and get him a gift certificate.  Most dads/husbands/boyfriends/guys do not really talk about what they have been wanting.  They just don’t natter on like females!
  8. This might actually be useful
  9. Trust me.  We want one.

Ways to kill your dad faster with useless or really annoying gifts.  We’re talking a critical fail or fumble.  No saving throw.

  1. A deed to an acre of the Pacific Ocean.
  2. Michael Bolton CD’s.  Any of them.
  3. Extra-small condoms.
  4. Calendars with cats.  Unless he likes them.
  5. One of these.  Definitely an insult with a bow.
  6. Likewise

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I leave it to you to be suitably outraged.  First, I present to you a picture of Congressman Barney Frank, taking a much needed break.

Barney Frank, hard at work at the trough.

Barney Frank, hard at work at the trough.

With economy in shambles, Congress gets a raise

By Jordy Yager

Posted: 12/17/08 05:41 PM [ET]

A crumbling economy, more than 2 million constituents who have lost their jobs this year, and congressional demands of CEOs to work for free did not convince lawmakers to freeze their own pay.

Instead, they will get a $4,700 pay increase, amounting to an additional $2.5 million that taxpayers will spend on congressional salaries, and watchdog groups are not happy about it.

“As lawmakers make a big show of forcing auto executives to accept just $1 a year in salary, they are quietly raiding the vault for their own personal gain,” said Daniel O’Connell, chairman of The Senior Citizens League (TSCL), a non-partisan group. “This money would be much better spent helping the millions of seniors who are living below the poverty line and struggling to keep their heat on this winter.”

However, at 2.8 percent, the automatic raise that lawmakers receive is only half as large as the 2009 cost of living adjustment of Social Security recipients.

[Excuse me, but… big damned whoop-de-doo.  – LK]

Still, Steve Ellis, vice president of the budget watchdog Taxpayers for Common Sense, said Congress should have taken the rare step of freezing its pay, as lawmakers did in 2000. “Look at the way the economy is and how most people aren’t counting on a holiday bonus or a pay raise — they’re just happy to have gainful employment,” said Ellis. “But you have the lawmakers who are set up and ready to get their next installment of a pay raise and go happily along their way.”

I am ignoring any leanings of “The Hill” or any of it’s contributors and focusing on the fact content in the article… please, go read the rest of the article as well, too.  That said:

THANK YOU, for your article, Jordy Yager… Have a Merry Christmas.  Come by for ribs at Lemur King’s any day.

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Is the Internet dying?

Interoute, the internet networks company, reports that three of the four internet sub-cables that run from Asia to North America have been damaged.

Ok. Oh…  OH GOSH!  OMIGOSH.

So the Times Online article goes on to talk in ominous tones about how ominous it is when there are these ominous breaks.  After a lot of ominous hand-wringing, the author wraps it up.    This is the Times Online, where emotion never takes a back-seat to science.

The first commenter has this to say:

The internet is indeed down. I am posting this with my mind.

Damn.  Good of you, Ryan.

Someone else agrees with me – grammar counts:

“But the company say what’s is happening is that there is a domino effect taking place, Interoute tell me they are:”

Grammar please.

Then Bill adds (ominously):

It’s Godzilla

But the furry dude has the last word:

This has got to be the worst-written article I’ve ever read. Dude, stop torturing us with your bad writing and idiot ideas about the internet!

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Well, it’s a step in the right direction and the first sounds from any of the auto heads that sounded like they were uttered by an adult.

Ford says does not need short-term bailout.

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Oooh… Fluffyyyyyy!!!

GUANGZHOU, China (AP) – While animal lovers in Beijing protested the killing of cats for food on Thursday, a butcher in Guangdong province—where felines are the main ingredient in a famous soup—just shrugged her shoulders and wielded her cleaver.”Cats have a strong flavor. Dogs taste much better, but if you really want cat meat, I can have it delivered by tomorrow,” said the butcher, who gave only her surname, Huang

Frankly, meat is meat, and if you’re going to get all upset about one and you eat others, you’re a hypocrite.

No, that doesn’t include kids.  Even though my folks often lamented not having boiled me and eaten me while my bones were still soft.

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The Federalist embedded this pic into their mailing today.  If you know your politics and your movies, you’ll laugh your ass off.  If you don’t, I’ll be damned if I’m going to explain it.

08-51d

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UPDATE:  My guess is that the bankruptcy route was not acceptable because they had no idea how to make it work.  Or they felt they couldn’t make it work and wanted taxpayers to take the risk.  Who knows?

I’d like to have seen them at least try.  But no, gotta shut down for a month.

At least they still pay wages.  That’s something.

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Update #2:  If you love her, go see a slasher now.  Otherwise run right out and rent “Harry Met Sally”, “Sleepless in Seattle”, or “You’ve got Mail”.

The study said nothing about porn or professional wrestling.  Probably best to avoid them.

Tractor pulls and Monster Trucks – go for it.  Nothing shows commitment like Monster Trucks and double-distilled moonshine.

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Just what you need to feel secure, that you met all the requirements, and that you are guaranteed a safe holiday.  Here is a PDF of a print outlining the correct orientation and assembly procedure, complete with codes that must be met and approved by a PE (Professional Elf).

Christmas_for_engineers.

(Not to be confused with the Fruitcake of Doom +4 – like that would be possible.)

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Survival Panic, the Phenomenon.  Oh yeah, this speaks well of us in the US.

“People start seeing their economic situation change, and it stimulates a sort of survival panic,” said Gaetano Vaccaro, deputy clinical director of Moonview Sanctuary, which treats patients for emotional and behavioral disorders. “When we are in a survival panic, we are prone to really extreme behaviors.”

Oh yeah, this is actually pretty spot-on.

The U.S. recession that took hold in December last year has threatened personal finances in many ways as home prices fall, investments sour, retirement funds shrink, access to credit diminishes and jobs evaporate.

It is also a rude awakening for a generation of shoppers who grew up on easy access to credit and have never had to limit purchases to simply what they needed or could afford.

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My dog (picture later on today) has developed a nasty habit that is actually pretty common in canines.  I’m thinking of making a satirical movie poster to document the effect:

RePoo:  Adventures of a Scatalogical Canine

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1) Give the poor kid his cake.

2) Shoot the parents for giving him this name.

Assholes.

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Whew.  Lucky for all of us, the investors screwed over in the Madoff financial ponzi scheme may get government protection.

Those of us facing job and home loss could use some good news, and seeing our beloved billionaires get some relief from their pummeling losses just brightens my cold coal black soulless heart.

No, really… “I lost my entire life savings of gobbledygook-bazillion dollars when I gave it all to this one guy to invest for me”… does this exactly cause you to weep with shared grief?  I don’t know what kind of world you’re living in but the one I live in requires diversification – which includes a good ol’ fashioned bank.

In case you wondered – a ponzi scheme is one where you take someone’s money to invest and instead of actual returns you take a bit of that money and give it back to the customer, calling it “returns”.  What is great about it is 99 people out of 100 could lose their shorts yet you somehow look like a miracle worker.  Problem is you have to keep people putting money in and not letting folks cash out or you lose your ability to pay those returns.

Slimebag?  Yeah.  Candidate for most hated man?  Nah.  Just a greedy old fart who should go to the same jail us commoners go to.

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Even if you lower rates TO ZERO, if confidence isn’t there, it isn’t going to help.  This isn’t like Star Trek, folks!  Even if I get a negative rate I’m not about to do anything financially.

So lowering rates to zero?  Meh.

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Here’s the kind of individual that we need to hold lotteries for… to see who gets to pull the lever on his electric chair.  I’d be more than happy to send this creep to hell or wherever he’s going to end up.

My moral flexibility is going full-tilt.  The poor girl will never be “all right” again but I hope they can help her so her life isn’t a relentless hell.

PHARR, Texas —  A 9-year-old girl’s letter to Santa Claus asking that a relative stop touching her and her sister has led to the arrest of a 55-year-old Pharr man on charges of continuous sexual abuse of a young child, according to a newspaper report.

Andres Enrique Cantu, 55, of Pharr, remained in the Hidalgo County Jail Monday night after his arrest Friday. His bond was set at $100,000. It wasn’t immediately clear if Cantu had an attorney.

The girl wrote the letter Thursday and turned it in at Cesar Chavez Elementary School, The (McAllen) Monitor reported. It wasn’t clear whether the letter was for a school assignment.

A probable cause complaint said a counselor at the school reported that the student turned in a wish list to Santa asking that the relative stop touching her and her sister. A day later she was interviewed at the Children’s Advocacy Center in Edinburg, which works with abused children, and told authorities about the alleged molestation. Police investigators believe the molestation occurred over a four-year period, according to the complaint.

The newspaper did not identify the relationship of the man to the girl to protect her identity.

The charge against Cantu is a new one, created by the Texas Legislature last year. It is part of a series of changes to the penal code called Jessica’s Law, designed to heighten punishments of sexual predators.

If convicted, Cantu could face 25 to 99 years in prison.

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Wanna know how Obama feels about globular worming?

“The time for delay is over; the time for denial is over,” he said on Tuesday after meeting with former Vice President Al Gore, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. “We all believe what the scientists have been telling us for years now that this is a matter of urgency and national security and it has to be dealt with in a serious way.

Oy.  He met with creepy uncle AlGore.  You know, the uncle that always wanted you to “sit on his lap”…?  Man, didn’t anyone tell the poor man that he’d be targeted by this guy?  Really, it’s like that family member that everyone is ashamed of and you just run around behind him doing damage control all the time.

Well, our AP writer, SETH BORENSTEIN, has certainly bought into the Church of Meteorology, as he hews to the line to the end.  In what is an embarrassing display of opinion trying to masquerade as fact.  It’s simply… well…  embarrassing… it’s like the little kid who tries to sneak something out of the room and believes that you can’t see it behind them… except this is an adult who is as clueless as the kid and thinks everyone around him is as well.   His words, not mine:

Mother Nature, of course, is oblivious to the federal government’s machinations. Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it’s thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.  (Source:  APNews)

They can get away with feelings disguised as facts now!  Oh.  Wait.  They can’t, which is why newspapers are dying.

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A cat gets contact lenses…  Imagine that with claws it doesn’t put in and take out its own.
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I know… how about some inconvenient truths from France, where we’ll just sweep ’em under a rug?

Inconvenient Car Truths.

Ooopsie.

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Now,  I personally could care less about an ex-porn star working in a elementary school cafeteria.

You can’t get me to believe this is any worse than the S&M principal (you know… he really likes spanking?), the bus driver who is a transvestite at a bar two towns over on the weekend, or the PE teachers who invariably knock up one of the girls at school every other year.

Implying that Ms. Gunns was revvin’ her motor at every warm-blooded critter at school daily, the District Superintendent said…. Oh, just read what he said.

Vineland School District Superintendent Charles Ottinger released a statement saying, “It’s one thing if it’s an illegal activity, because that would come up in the check. There is no way for us to know if a person is involved in these types of activities.”

My my my my… you mean, if someone had not come forward you might NEVER HAVE KNOWN?  Oh God, and miss out on your chance to be self-righteous?

In fact… if she was doing her job and cooking food for the kids, that is good enough for me.  But unless she is selling these movies at the condiment stand, what is she doing wrong?  Everybody has done something in their past that they’d just soon not air out – and hers wasn’t illegal.  It just isn’t as (ahem) as sexy as smoking crack or pot like “The Rock” Obama or the oh-so-preppy “I-Never-Inhaled” Clinton.

Another snippet…

When Tuck’s past was revealed in November…

Here’s what I want to know… how did her past come up?  Who is going to admit that they were watching their complimentary “Christmas Season’s  Best of Smut Past” DVD and came across an old video of her?  Didn’t show up in the background check – couldn’t have – it wasn’t illegal.  So was it the principal,  little Johnny’s dad, or little Suzy’s shrink who put two and two together?

I think we need to start going hard against Karaoke next.  Lots of sickness there, yeah… yeah… heh heh.

LK here… a side note… out of insane curiosity, I poked around out there searching “Crystal Gunns”.  Uh.  Yikes.  Sorry, but more than a wheelbarrow full is wasted, I always say.  Actually I never say that – this is a first.  From now on, however…

Good gravy.  She had implants.  They implanted watermelons or something and then put implants in the implants.  It really is so far out there that it’s really going to appeal to the fetishists.

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The Moooooon.

Update:

Un-American?  My governor, or rather, my state’s governor thinks that voting against the bailout is un-American.

HUH?

December 12, 2008

Mich. Gov.: Vote Against Auto Bailout “Un-American”

@ 11:18 am by Michael O’Brien

Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D) said it was “un-American” for senators to have voted against approving a bailout of troubled automakers last night, saying their vote may cause a recession to become a depression.

“It is unacceptable for this un-American, frankly, behavior of these U.S. senators to cause this country to go from a recession into a depression,” Granholm said during a radio interview Friday morning.

Negotiations over an agreement to assist Michigan’s Big Three stalled last night in a 52-35 vote on a procedural motion to bring up the package for a vote. Republicans largely opposed the bill after it failed to win concessions from the United Automotive Workers union on wages and benefits.

“It is such an unbelievable stab at workers across the country,” Granholm added. “You give this big bailout to these financial institutions–don’t ask a single question, they can do what they want–and then you lay the blame for the auto industry, which is a victim of this financial meltdown, on the backs of the people who are working on the line.”

Granholm, along with members of Michigan’s congressional delegation, have been pressing for lawmakers to pass an assistance package. All but one member of Michigan’s House and Senate delegation have voted in favor of the package. Rep. Tim Walberg, a first-term Republican defeated in his bid for reelection, voted against the bill.

WHAT?

Bailing out ANY institution under a capitalistic model is un-American.  Geez, this irrational fear of pain is getting out of hand.  Yes, there are rough times ahead – but we all wallowed in largesse when we were oinking it up before the debacle we see in front of us now – and these rough times are going to be painful.   But to bail out everybody under the sun because it’s be painful isn’t possible!  We don’t have that kind of money!  Look, say there are 100,000,000 families in the US.  Now give them $10,000 EACH.  Can you picture what you personally could do with $10,000?  I thought so.

100M families at $10,000 each… Hey, that adds up to 1 TRILLION dollars.  And our government is spending lots more than that to save bankers and now auto companies.  That money is coming from somewhere – it’s coming right out of your future prosperity – in terms of higher interest rates and high inflation when the print-money and borrow chickens and cows come home to roost.

I’m arguing that it is un-American to throw good money after bad.

The auto companies ought to be forced to seek non-union solutions.  Lots of non-union workers make perfectly adequate salaries and have extremely safe workplaces.  Bankruptcy is the way to achieve that.

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The moon is accelerating towards earth and has been for a long long time.  Now it is even more accelerating-er…?  No, scratch that.  Max velocity, acceleration flatlining (not changing, anyways).

Ok, I nneeddd to sllllow dddown on mmmmmy cofffeeee.  All overrrr the boarrrd todaaay.

It’s at perigee (more technically-ish “periapsis”) tonight, it’ll be full, and it’ll look huge.  (like J-Lo’s butt)

A whopping 14% hugerer according to experts quoted at the Times Online.  Moon getting larger and won’t require spandex or baggy sweat pants.

So enjoy.

fmoon

Luna… our celestial friend

fullmoonNot our terrestrial friend.  Friends don’t let friends moon drunk.

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Thank God for the UN – if it weren’t for the UN to save our butts, we’d be in trouble.

Look how they have taken the lead by proving (by fiat, no less) that Globular Worming is real.

Another fine Netizen has seen the light, the (soft) spoken wisdom of AlGore, the one who paved the way for the Obamessiah.   Radioactive Liberty helps paint the grim picture in the care and attention that it deserves.  And he did it in June of this year.  A true peripheral visionary.

More proof that globular worming is real… the temperature of the snow in New Orleans is warmer than it has been in recorded history.  Well, ok, it’s only been four years since the last snow in NO.

Snow in New Orleans is a rarity. The last time it snowed was Christmas 2004; before that, the last snow recorded was in 1989, according to Jim Vasilj, a forecaster with the National Weather Service. Since 1850, snow had fallen in “measurable amounts” rather than traces in the city just 17 times, Vasilj said. Of the 17, today’s snowfall was the earliest in the season recorded.

As much as 6 inches had piled up in Livingston Parish as of 10 a.m., Vasilj said. Similar amounts were reported in Bogalusa and St. Helena Parish, while in Mandeville, between 2 and 3 inches had accumulated, according to Vasilj.

Just more evidence nailing the coffin shut in arguing for the harsh realities of globular worming.

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The Dude sent me this.  No idea where it came from – if you did it, shout it right out!

eat-the-kids

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HERE is a guy who I’d say deserves to be given a little something – not because he is entitled, or a victim, or clamoring… but for his amazing attitude and unwillingness to victimize the pilot.

Dong Yun Yoon, 37, lost his wife, two baby daughters and mother-in-law after a Marine Corps fighter plane clipped a tree and plummeted into houses about two miles from base. The pilot safely ejected and was rescued hanging by his parachute from a tree.

“I pray for him not to suffer for this action,” Yoon said at a news conference, according to The Los Angeles Times. “I know he’s one of our treasures for our country.”

Several houses caught fire. Two homes were incinerated in the crash and three others were damaged.  (Source:  FoxNews – MORE)

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On the opposite (dark) side of the spectrum (moon) we have the persuasive (coercive) methods (tactics) used in questioning (interrogating) prisoners (animals).

Finding it hard to tell where I’m toeing the line there?  Good.

Music is not just an escape after all, and not all music is meant to soothe the savage beast.

It’s all about creating an intense feeling of dissociation from one’s self.  And they do it so well.

Funny, all the songs they selected… I’d be saying “All right, bro!  Crank it to 11!”  Until they got to Sesame Street or Barry Manilow and I’d cave within 50 minutes.

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Fair warning… I am in a FOUL mood.  If you want fluffy warm puppies, you won’t find them below….

Over on FoxNews, they have this little thing called “You Decide” and today’s question was “Should the US Gov’t Bailout the Auto Companies?”

Good question.  The real surprise is the range of intelligence from high to positively microbial.

This is supposedly from a college student:

Comment by [rhymes with “KokomoKevin”] December 10th, 2008 at 1:49 pm

For all you older folks out there, im not nieve i see whats going on sticking the youth of America with your problems which for some reason you cant fix im a college junior and its not wise to piss off your children who will eventually be running the country, its sad that old incompetant people are ruining my future. For shame on all of you for voting for idiots who know nothing and shame on all of you for sweeping your problems under my rug.
For someone who had lived in a town called Kokomo in Indiana which has 3 Chrysler transmission plants and a Delphi plant I can tell you what first needs to go…The Unions of these companies are ridculous in Kokomo all you have to do is somewhat graduate high school and have a father, grandpa, or uncle who use to work at Chrysler to get a job there making an ungodly amount of money for basically pushing a button, meanwhile my parents who went to college, mothers a nurse and father owns his own buisness, they make far less than the average Chrysler employee. Furthermore I believe that apparently these behemoth trucks and cars with 9 cylnders are not what people want to spend 40 to 50 thousand dollars on maybe they need to make smaller gas efficent cars and if possible made in America and to do that Government needs to stay out of everyones buisness and cut the taxes these companies have to pay. These are just ideas from a college junior who sees the world crumbling before his eyes. Its sad that old incompetant men are ruining my future.

Well thank you, rhymes-with-uh… Kevin.  That was very… thoughtful and it must have taken a hell of a long time to write all of that  in crayon before having mommy type it out.  Please tell her that she could use a remedial typing class – she’ll know what I mean.

I will say this, and heed it well:  Your so-called image that you convey with bad spelling and crappy grammar is doing far more to sink your naive future than “us old people”.

You may even have the brightest idea in the world and it will be flat out ignored if you are a dolt when trying to convey it.

So sit up straight, stop texting and sleeping in class, wipe the drool off your chin, have a little respect for your elders, and one thing more… learn some humility by going out and working for a living before opening your mouth.  Obviously what you are doing so far isn’t working for you because you sound like a punk-ass kid – got it?

Thanks!

Lemur King

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Perhaps the cardinal needs to work on his own impure thought life?  Notice how the news articles never mention that?

SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) – Madonna is causing “crazy enthusiasm” and “impure thoughts” on her first concert visit to Chile, a prominent retired cardinal complained on Wednesday, as he paused in a tribute to a late dictator to denounce the pop star. (link)

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I know this is in the news but it’s too fun to pass up…

Australians urged to eat camels – to protect the environment.

The report in part says:

Australians were urged Tuesday to eat camels to stop them wreaking environmental havoc, just months after being told to save the world from climate change by consuming kangaroos.

Who the hell writes this stuff?  Who the hell writes news articles about it?

One of the report writers, Professor Murray McGregor, says a good way to bring down the number of camels was to eat them. (Bright spark, that one.)

Eat a camel today, I’ve done it – Prof. McGregor

If you are eating camels and you are not bringing the number of them down, the imagination is allowed all manner of horrific imagery.

You might have already bought into the idea put forward a few months ago where the Australians were told to swap out cows and throw in kangaroos.

Apparently they are less flatulent, at least where methane is concerned.

But (lets assume I am a pants-wetting globular worming freak) if you get kangaroos, the fences now have to be twice (or more) as high as they are now, thus doubling the amount of fencing and more than doubling the amount of work to build them, plus all the other little things that ‘roos entail where they are harder to work with.  I imagine trying to milk a ‘roo is (1) less productive in terms of quantity, and (2) damn near impossible.
Besides, “Come on out, I’ll put a ‘roo on the barby” doesn’t ring well.

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Usually you can defuse this “In the Doghouse” kind of thing with a question showing lots of compassion, showing that you care and are supportive, like:

Is it that time of the month again?


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Ask me how I felt about the notion 24 hours ago…   Blue Oyster Cult’s Don’t Fear the Reaper was running through my head with great muchness recently.   I’d have said “Bring it on, just two more steps and I’m there, baby.”

So, four days later and 10 lbs lighter, I’m feeling sorta human again.  Food in any form still looks and smells like boiled skunk – which I’m sure is a dish originating in Great Britain.  But keeping juice down is a success.  I think I’m going to live.

If the world doesn’t kill me first!!! Chemicals, the unseen menaceseses, are stalking me, you, your children, your spouse… even your hamster!

From The Independent where girls are girls and men are… girls… and where the truth can be bent and sometimes broken…

Men are the Weaker Sex.

Apparently we’re all going to look pretty damn feminine, us guys.  We’re slowly meandering towards something like this:

michael_jackson_as-herself

I’m posting a snippet of their tripe.  Note the careful wording designed to strike fear into your heart’s cockles… (emphasis mine)

The male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife, startling scientific research from around the world reveals.

The research – to be detailed tomorrow in the most comprehensive report yet published – shows that a host of common chemicals is feminising males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people.

Did you hear the ominous organ music?  I swear, my bowels turned to water.  Uh.  Ok, strike that last sentence since it is redundant.  My knees knocked.   Gooses (as there are no ganders anymore, per this article) flocked en masse in search of graves to run over.

Truly have the seven vials been opened.  Some of them twice.  If only no one had sniffed.

*****

Stephen King has this wonderful way of writing characters that are so believable and colorful that they are not believable.  I recall one who was a gas station owner or attendant who whips out a hanky, blows his nose or horks into it, peeks, and pockets it again.

I mean, what the hell would you say to that if you saw it?

I figured that such characters and reality-tilting behavior existed only in the pages of a book.  Not so!

Last night I wander around the corner to the store (sick or not, the monkey on your back will beat on you) and when I walked in bitching about Global Warming and all the snow it’s bringing Michigan, the clerk looks up with this amazingly friendly vacant look and chirps:

And you shouldn’t get me started on the huge hole that isn’t going away in the OH-zOHNE!  How come no one talks about… (wah wah – wah wah wah…)

Now, I don’t believe in the ozone being an issue but she may even have valid personal arguments for the hysteria, but goofily putting emPHASis on the wrong sylLABle makes you look like a real dork.  EINSTEIN would have been laughed out of scientific circles if he’d said “I’d like to propose my new speciAHL theorY of relAHtiviY“.

Mocking and cynical today, ain’t I?  Oh well.

**********

UPDATE #1:

Man, this is pretty blatantly criminal – by now someone has to stand up and call bullsh*t, right?  Franken “finds” more votes.

UPDATE #2:

More proof that dogs dominate cats.  In what promises to be one of the biggest glurges of the year that is also true, we have a lost 3 year old boy saved by puppies.

I think they’ll be getting steak for a while.

A cat would have said either “Oooh, he’s shivering, if I put my ears under his hand it’ll be as good as a scritch”  -or- “well, if you don’t have my food, who does?  Outta here.”

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UPDATE #3:

Drudge put a link out for MyWay news… Will Recession Mean Toned-Down Inauguration?

Well, no, actually.  Rationalization reigns supreme amongst those with tin-ears.  I’m sure there’s a lot of people who are losing their homes while watching banks and investors get bailouts who are saying “I sure wish I could have some of that money so I’m not left w/o a roof over my head that I worked hard for…”

“We’re mindful of the fact that people in this country are hurting, that they’re going through hard times,” said Linda Douglass, spokeswoman for the Presidential Inaugural Committee. “On the other hand, we see this not just as a celebration of an election, but as a time for people to come together and celebrate their common values and shared aspirations and goals.”

For those folks, I’m sure their aspirations and goals are more in line with not losing their home and finding a job.  But those values aren’t common to everybody apparently.

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Update #4:
If you want to piss of your neighbors, build a sonic boom cannon.  PDF file:

2419-gadget_freak_case_131_build_instructions

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Sorry folks… out for today, perhaps tomorrow.  Food poisoning, rotovirus, or I’ve been poisoned by Cruel Wife for my many millions – all possible reasons, I guess.

Except I don’t have millions.  If that’s the cause it must mean she just hates me.  Not unreasonable…

So, before my intestines explode, I’m going to sign off, drink some mylanta, chew on some tums, eat a handful of pepcid, chug some pink bismuth, and sacrifice a rooster or a bunny or something to appease the Urp Gods.

Maybe tomorrow.

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