Archive for June, 2010

Aggie Sith over at Hookers and Booze mentioned the great story of a woman who drove her car into a canal and told the cops it was because of the vampire she saw.

Ok, did you read it?

They.  Could.  Not.  Find.  The.  Vampire.

Aggie’s right – the woman is a Fruita-bat.  I have no idea what state the town of Fruita is in, but does it really matter?

Reminds me of stealing pumpkins one Halloween long ago, when I was in college.  We made several trips back to the same store something like 20 minutes apart and carving as fast as they came in.  We were drunk, yes.  We had larcenated† an obscene amount of pumpkins.

I had drunk the better part of a six-pack fairly quickly so when nature called I answered.  I was taking a leak in the bushes outside the house we were renting when two cop cars drove up.  Being the modest sort, I dove into the bushes, finished my business, and hopped back out.   There were no wardrobe or equipment malfunctions that I could detect.

I said “Wait, I need to check on something” and hurried into the house.  Now in this day and age you couldn’t get away with that, but this was the 80’s, ok?  Besides, they already knew me from when I helped them slim-jim a car open that was unclaimed at one of our parties.  That is a story for another day, however.  Anyway, I went in the house with one of the other guys to tell everyone that we had a situation, then immediately went to the fridge and chugged soy sauce, hoping to get the smell of the beer off of my underage breath.

There was a lot of chatter as we quickly decided what to do, which amounted to eight people and eight opinions, none of which made any sense once we sobered up.  Thinking that we were armored in the breastplate of preparedness, armed with the sword of obfuscation, and helmed with the helmet of… sh*t… you get the idea… so armed, we each felt like we could stand up to anything as long as the other seven guys kept their mouths shut, and as one we trudged on out.

The cops looked at the eight of us and said that (a) they had a report of a rash of pumpkin thefts, that (b) we were described as being pretty much involved in all of them, and that (c) they wanted to search the house.

Being rather stupid but thinking we were smart (probably because of the beer) we asked in sly lawyerly tones “Wait, what are you searching FOR?”  For some reason we were convinced that even if they saw thousands of illegal things (and they might well have) they could only nail us on the one pre-declared thing that we tipped their hand with.  We had them by the short-hairs, by golly!

Cop #2 looks at Cop #1, glances at our porch, which is literally covered with jack-o-lanterns and glowing like the noonday sun from all the candles, looks back to Cop #1, smiles, and says “Pumpkins.  I guess we’re looking for pumpkins.”

Like the Fruita-bat lady’s vampire, the cops never found any pumpkins, and the jack-o-lanterns weren’t talking.

It is understood that larcenated is a totally bogus bastardization of a damn fine word, but it was done for entertainment purposes only.


Still another mystery is the woman who became impregnated by a 3-D movie. Thanks to the good people of POP-Jolly!

A white American woman who had a black baby claims she fell pregnant whilst watching a porn movie in 3D. According to reports, the childs father , who is white was serving in the military in Iraq when she became pregnant.

His wife Jennifer told him the child was conceived whilst watching a porn movie in 3D.
“I see it as suspicious. The films in 3-D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible “he said.

My goodness, that is suspicious.

I wonder if “dad” will figure out that yes, she probably did  get pregnant because of the 3D porn movie after having acted in it.


Caught an expression I hadn’t seen/heard before while watching the DVD’s for Dexter, Season 1.  Ready for it?


For some reason even tho it is gross and obscene, just the sound of it is funny.  Plus it’s one hell of a great put-down.

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I did not know that Kagan actually in the same document suggested checking out the NRA and the KKK.

Yeah, that’s who I want for SCOTUS, someone who thinks that my support of the NRA makes me as worthy of keeping track of as a racist KKK member.


While being questioned by Republicans, who aren’t in orgiastic throes like the liberal members of congress, Kagan said:

“My politics would be, must be, have to be completely separate from my judging,” said Kagan, who was a domestic policy adviser in the Clinton administration.

Horsesh*t.  There is not a single judge nor has there ever been or will be that could separate their bias from a case.  NOT ONE.

The real test of a judge is whether they apply bias or whether they apply prejudgment.  “Bias” says “if I can judge in a certain way, I will.”  “Prejudgment” says “I will judge in this way regardless of the case.”

I don’t foresee Kagan applying only bias, and “politics” is actually worse than prejudgment because it comes from without, not within.

The distinction between bias and prejudgment is not a concept I thought of – it was presented when I first saw it in Frank Herbert’s book “The Dosadi Experiment”.  Perhaps one of my top ten books of all time.  “Whipping Star” also features the same main character – Bureau of Sabotage member Georg X. McKie.   Awesome awesome books.


I really really hope that Pete Stark pays a hefty political price for mocking a voter with an honest concern.

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It would be funny if it wasn’t so scary – Bill Clinton thinks we should just blow up the BP well.  Yep, let’s just blow it up.  That will help.


There was a guy who I’d have beaten up in a fraction of a second if asked to.  That song churning through my head like a paddle through so much rancid butter.

Thanks to Inscrutable Half-Breed (co-worker) I can pass this on to you:  A source of great comfort, a list of things that we can be happy and joyful about, even though we may be howlingly miserable inside, these things will take away your angst and pain.

The 24,504 Worst Pieces

of Advice Ever Published

Seanbaby at Cracked.com had a good review of the above link and he made something beautiful in one paragraph…

It doesn’t seem like she moved any items around after churning out the whole list, so sometimes you’ll hit patches where you can watch her mind go down a long path. Hmm, things to be happy about… drug stores, getting back correct change, headlines at the checkout line, clerks not calling out for a price check on Vagisil, applying soothing cream, rereading confusing instructions, applying soothing cream, making awkward eye contact with cats, surprise guests.  – Seanbaby at Cracked.com

Ok, as lame as that was… THIS IS WAY COOL.
I threw up in my mouth a little, and also felt a deep sorrow for kids around teachers like this.  I think it fair to say that most people would trade a barrel of acquaintances for one close friend, someone who knows them and accepts them for more than what is just on the surface.  How DID these “educators” unlearn that basic truth?
“[R]ecently … I read a profoundly depressing story in the New York Times about how ‘some educators and other professionals who work with children’ don’t think kids should have best friends. ‘I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults — teachers and counselors — we try to encourage them not to do that,’ said Christine Laycob, director of counseling at a St. Louis day school. ‘We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends. Parents sometimes say Johnny needs that one special friend,’ she continued. ‘We say he doesn’t need a best friend.‘ As a result of this thinking, best friends are broken up. Buddies are put on separate teams, assigned different classes, etc. It’s not quite the sort of thing cult leaders and North Korean prison guards do, but in principle it’s not too far off either. The response from across the ideological spectrum on the Web has mostly been outrage and disgust. … For the record, I think removing best friends from childhood is a barbarous and inhumane act, akin to amputating a limb from an athlete. You can still have a childhood without a best friend, just as you can still be an athlete without a leg. But why would you voluntarily make someone’s life so much harder? … The most offensive part of this whole enterprise is that it is aimed at making life easier for administrators, not better for kids.” –columnist Jonah Goldberg

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Only just now have nearly 50% of the people figured this out?

Nearly half of American Adults see the government today as a threat to individual rights rather than a protector of those rights.  – Rasmussen Reports


He overestimates the importance I place on his opinion

Sadly we need disasters like this to show people. Some people don’t believe in climate warming – like those who don’t believe there was a Holocaust. – Paul McCartney


Over at McGoo’s, he has a horse pic – muddy beast – and he asked what the lightly embossed letters are in the mud… here’s what I can pull out of the noise so far:

There’s some sick people out there (not McGoo) but I suspect it says “destroyahorse@yahoo.com”.   Anyone care to take a stab?

The image below was wavelet decomposed and several scales suppressed.

If you can make sense of it, let me know… I’m curious.

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Update 2:

Cruel Wife and the kids are still out visiting her family 2000 miles away.

I figured out how to put it in words the surreal-ness of the house when they are not there.

Essentially I am hearing the echoes of the essences of the absent.  Noise without a sound.  A holographic wavefront imprinted in the structure of the home.

And here I thought I’d get some peace and quiet.  The universe is not without a perverse sense of humor.



One of the things I got while at my dad’s place was the old telephone hand-crank generator he had in his shop.  We used to wire that up to two long heavy-gauge wires in the middle of the night, push ’em into the ground, and crank for all we were worth until the worms came boiling out of the ground.  Then we went fishing.

Ah, the memories of childhood.  I’m not sure that it was much easier than using a shovel to dig for worms but it was more fun.

I was stupid enough to put my hand across the leads once.  Never did that again.


The White House issued a statement about McChrystal.  I think the general was an idiot.  Yes, it showed a lack of judgment.  What should be done about him?  Not my problem.

But the WH…

Gibbs just said parents of the more than 90,000 US troops in Afghaniatan need to be confident that the command structure — meaning McChrystal — is “capable and mature enough” for this mission.

What about a president that wants to “kick ass”?  Is that ok?   The American president flippantly says in an ego-boosting interview that he wants to kick ass – is that ok with everyone?   Is that considered mature?


I’m going to take the low road here.

Finally, an honest assessment of what the man has been shoveling, from one who would know best.

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I Have Weturned.

Tech Update thanks to alert co-worker Black Lab on Crank.

It can blind you instantly if not quicker.  A blue lightsaber laserThat’s 1W at 445nm.  Beautiful blue.  Even working in a high power laser lab that wasn’t a wavelength you saw very often, and certainly nowhere near that bright.

Niiiiice.  That’s what you should look for (if you are still able) in a toy.


It has been a long week of moving my father out of his home.  Four of us siblings and our spouses worked four long and solid days.

I got to the point where I said “I’m going to hurt anyway, so I might as well make it worth it.”

Goddamn I hurt.  I can’t wait to go back to work so I can rest up.

So sorry for being out of touch, but it was necessary.


Girlhead is 7-ish now.  When we were at my father’s I thought to myself and said to myself, “Self, we must teach Girlhead how to shoot a rifle – she is of the proper age.”

At first she was a bit nervous despite wanting to learn and even after bugging me all week long.  She could not understand that I wished to wait until there were lot fewer people around.  She also could not understand that I was dyin’ to teach her and looking forward to it more than she was.

Sunday morning the only people left were us, my father, and my sister and her kids.  So we broke out the weapons.

Every good story should start with “we broke out the weapons”.

I got my pellet gun ready so she could get the idea of what a gun is about.  Once we fired that a few times she was more comfortable with the idea of reaching out and touching something.

So then we got out the Ruger 10-.22 carbine with a scope on it.  I walked her through the steps – load the clip (her fingers aren’t strong enough to fully load it yet but she was able to load the first round every time), pop the clip in, lever one in, safety off, sight the target, aim, slight holding of breath, and squeeeeeze the trigger.

By this point she had a group of eight in a 5-6 inch circle at 25 yards, which is pretty good for a first-time shooter aged 7-ish.  Her Granddad came out and looked at her first grouping and said “You’d have gotten yourself a rabbit!”

Girlhead looked a bit startled by the whole rabbit idea, so I rubbed my belly, licked my lips, and said “Them’s good eatin’.  But it could have been a number of different critters… a rabbit, a squirrel, a squeak, skunk, raccoon, or a bird if it was legal.”  Once she understood that varmintin’ for food or utilitarian purposes such as pest control is ok, it wasn’t a problem anymore.

After hitting paper targets for a while I got a Campbell’s soup can and filled it with water.  She said “I can’t hit that.”

I said “Sure you can – you are already a good shot!”

So she took aim.  The first shot was a tad high but on the next shot and then the six shots following that – hit the can every time.  My chest was nearly bursting with pride.

Brother-in-law went inside and said to Cruel Wife:  “Yep, she’s your daughter.”

Many years ago, after a little bit of familiarization with the handgun, Cruel Wife was able to place six shots in the forehead (with a .357 magnum) of a political figure on the front of a Time magazine, instantly earning the respect of every hunting male in my family.  It helped that the politician was liberal as hell but it still required good aim and good form, especially given the weight of the magnum and the very small size of Cruel Wife.

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Out of Touch

Update:  For the record, I support Etheridge on this one.  Michael Moore style cornering and harassment ought to lead to an ass-kicking.  It is a free country after all.  Hey, free ass-kicking over here!

Problem I have is that there’s a large number of reporters that feel like they fall outside of the sphere of common courtesy to get their story.  Cold-interviews on the street don’t cut it.  “We’re just here for a project” and “we’re just students” are little asshole responses.

Yes, the kid has a right to file assault charges – but if he does he’s a weenie.  He wasn’t assaulted in the classick sense in the least.  He got inside this guy’s personal space and should accept responsibility.  Assault is bloody noses, broken fingers, missing teeth, baseball bats, cracked ribs.


You might think this post is about Obama based on the title.

No, Barry-O was never in touch in the first place.

I will be away from the blog mostly entirely for a week.  Queen’s business and all.

So when I get back we can catch up again.  There will be lots of stuff to share by then – what is unclassified, that is.


Oh, yes, parting shot.

So Afghanistan has a buttload of minerals that no one knew was there.  Some people are saying it could make it a wealthy country.

The previously unknown deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold are so large that it could transform the impoverished nation into one of the world’s important mining centers, The New York Times first reported late Sunday on its web site.

You know what I predict?  Gonna make some people really wealthy and the rest will still be dirt-friggin’ poor.  Just like Nigeria or any other poor country that suddenly discovered it had natural resources.


This is interesting.  If someone wants to claim that a state rep hopeful may not be mentally competent to run for office, then how the hell did Obama squeak by?  Anyway it appears to be hurting Rep. Clyburn’s feelings.  Only the democrats are allowed to do sneaky things – votes on weekends, over Christmas, closed deliberations.

But South Carolina Rep. Jim Clyburn, the House majority whip, said he could reach no conclusion except that Greene is a plant.

“I never said he was a Republican plant. I said he was someone’s plant. … I saw the patterns in this. I know a Democratic pattern, I know a Republican pattern and I saw in the Democratic primary elephant dung all over the place,” he told CNN.

“I never said he was a Rebublican plant… [but] I know a republican pattern and I saw … elephant dung all over the place.”  Geez Clyburn, have the guts to say what you mean without the dancing.  Come on out and say it.

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Years ago I saw this skit by Eddie Murphy and laughed my ass off.

Eddie Murphy – Undercover in White America

I seriously wonder if some folks don’t actually think this is true.


Arizona Immigration Law Appears to be Driving Hispanics Out of State.

Gee, that seems to be the point.  Rather, it was the point to drive out the illegal ones.  The only reason you’re going to be pissy is if you have family, friends, or are an illegal yourself.

If you are here legally, one would think you’d be kind of pissed at those who flaunt the law, don’t pay taxes, and take money and send it home.

We’re talking about a law that is trying to keep the state from having it’s back broken financially.


curtalfriar and I were both looking at a top 100 list for movies.

Yes, I know lists like that are as common as cats and not even worth as much as cats but it’s kind of fun.

He brought up the very same issue I had which is “How the hell do you rank them?”

Ranking in a list form is difficult… very much so.

A while back I ran into some software called FreeMind.  It is free (read: a price you can’t refuse).  I actually like it better than the commercial program below, Mind Mapper.

Then there is a pay-for-it program (read: not-free) called MindMapper.

There’s also a site that is no longer maintained but has interesting links to other software of this type, here.

Thank God France is on top of this.

Anakin Skywalker’s transformation into Darth Vader in Star Wars was the result of a borderline personality disorder, according to a new study by French psychiatrists.

In a letter titled “Is Anakin Skywalker suffering from borderline personality disorder?” — which will be published in an upcoming issue of the journal Psychiatry Research — Eric Bui, a psychiatrist at Toulouse University Hospital, and his team state that Skywalker exhibited six out of the nine borderline-personality-disorder criteria as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, ABC News reports. The minimum for a diagnosis is five.

I’m especially happy that Fox News was here to report this.  It has a number of consequences with respect to our economic recovery and our sociopolitical landscape.

Dissociative events, such as when Skywalker killed a tribe of Tuskans, triggered his descent to the dark side.

Some time on the couch may have helped the fallen Jedi knight, Bui says. “I believe that psychotherapy would have helped Anakin and might have prevented him from turning to the dark side,” he writes. “Using the dark side of the Force could be considered as similar to drug use: it feels really good when you use it, it alters your consciousness and you know you shouldn’t do it.

I’m not sure that Darth Vader is the only one that could benefit from some time on the couch.  The researchers and the reviewers at Fox could use some analysis.

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DOROTHY RABINOWITZ – appears to be scornful of the big O.  So I looked for her older stuff.  Seems to me like she always was.  This shouldn’t be and isn’t a shock.

But there’s a lot of worshippers dropping him like like a hot potato.


I am deriving so much enjoyment from the disillusionment of so many, who actually bought the bullsh*t he was shoveling.  It ought to be illegal.

Ellsberg: Take Obama’s explicit pledge in his State of the Union speech to remove “all” United States troops from Iraq by the end of 2011. That’s a total lie. I believe that’s totally false. I believe he knows that’s totally false. It won’t be done. I expect that the US will have, indefinitely, a residual force of at least 30,000 US troops in Iraq.

Of COURSE it was totally false, you idiot.  It can’t be done, that’s why.

Obama has discovered that while it is really easy to take a liberal “rainbows and unicorns” wish-think approach when talking during a group-psychosis encounter, when you actually get in office and have to face the realities… it sucks, and you find that what previous presidents had to do was largely out of their hands.

Oh sure, we’ll pull of of Afghanistan immediately.  Really?  And there’s no consequences to that?  Really?  Ok.  Prove it.

Wait until health care follows after Globular Worming – when the realities hit home and the spells of the liberal wish-it-was fever die down.

More non-shocking news.  Bernanke warns of “unsustainable debt”.

Really?  We needed a financial wizard to spell this out?


You bet fire her butt.  I bet she was fixin’ to fornicate again, too.

Why is this news?  Why can’t an employer hold employees accountable to standards?   Sure I think this one is pretty close to that grey area if not actually in the grey area.   There are other examples, such as a church-run hospital that doesn’t want to perform abortions.

If I’m caught pulling a Hugh Grant and it’s all over the newspapers, wouldn’t you think that my employer might have the right to say I’m not who they want representing them to customers?

I’m balking a bit on the only three weeks dif between actual and predicted… they aren’t that exact about how far along a kid is when they discover you are preggers are they?

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Still not up to doing graphics/art.  Just don’t feel like it.  Mainly because the pervasive feeling is “I’m damaged”.

You know when you whack yourself in the head, hand, or foot and you say “Ow, dammit!”?  Ok, yeah, so it smarts, but you have that feeling that this too, shall pass.

But then the other kind of injury where you break your nose, your arm, or your left big toe?  It’s the breaks or cracks or perhaps even when you slice yourself to the bone with a bow-saw, where you hurt and you feel damaged.  Hard to explain but if you’ve ever screwed yourself up you know the feeling.

Just hard to summon up a lot of desire to be creative still, that’s all.  So, be patient with me for a little while longer.  This BS should blow over soon enough and I can get back to normal.   Two nerves are most definitely dead, it’s C5 and C2 that are causing most of the trouble, near as I can tell.

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Hello Constant Reader (you know your name)… it is time for another installment (the first, actually) of “You put WHAT WHERE?”

Rectally-smuggled contraband included:

… a green cigarette lighter, cigarette rolling papers, a golf-ball size baggie of tobacco, a bottle of tattoo ink, eight tattoo needles, a one-inch-long smoking pipe and a small baggie of suspected marijuana.

That was just one person.  I am not making this up.  Only in the state where I lived for five years could this happen.  In Wenatchee, WA to be exact.

[Phil Stanley, jail administrator] said no contraband was found on a pat-down search or on a later strip search. About 90 minutes later … a jailer found a plastic bag and duct tape floating in the cell’s toilet. After being questioned by jailers, the man surrendered the contraband.

After being questioned by jailers… the man surrendered the contraband.

Whatever they are getting, the jailers aren’t getting paid enough.

The man was serving a three-day sentence.

The news article is titled:

Cheeky inmate overpacked for jail stay

I’m trying to picture it:  “So stick that up your ass and smoke it.”

I don’t want to picture it.

Thanks go to alert co-worker The Butcher of Lansing.


So Franken-boy graduated preschool today.  They asked each kid what they wanted to be when they grew up.  Cruel Wife said he was the only one to answer “A daddy”.

Now, that means there’s three scenarios:  (a) he’s got a line on a hot babe already and thinking ahead, (b) “daddy” to him means total authority and the chance to make people miserable, or (c) he likes and respects his dear old dad.

Option (c) is highly unlikely-unless- I am not his dad.


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Thomas said in a statement that, “I deeply regret my comments I made last week regarding the Israelis and the Palestinians. They do not reflect my heart-felt belief that peace will come to the Middle East only when all parties recognize the need for mutual respect and tolerance. May that day come soon.’’

Mutual respect and tolerance surely doesn’t exist in her world view since MR&T does not include taking people out of their homes and shipping people to Germany or Poland.

If someone wants to be stupid and claim parity for that statement and the issue of immigration reforms, go ahead – my day will get brighter.


I love this quote from Obama:

I don’t want us to do something just for the sake of politics that doesn’t solve the problem,” Obama told reporters Wednesday night aboard Air Force One.

Gee, why stop now?  That is the health care bill to a “T”.


Just three days ago I was telling a co-worker about this sort of thing when I was younger.  Except we were 8 or 9 years old, trading kicks to the ‘nads.  I can’t imagine why a 14 year old thinks this is better than… pretty much anything.

Sack-tapping is still big, just now it’s still big amongst the “big boys”.


I searched for my car keys for an hour and a half.

Cruel Wife finally picked up on her cell phone.

CW: “Oh I saw them… oh, where was it…? Oh, yeah… Franken-boy was playing with your keys and I told him to stop and put them down.”

Me: “Which was… where?”

CW: “Look on the bucket of spackle compound.”

Me: “You mean under the newspaper on the bucket of spackle compound next to the TV?”

CW: “Yeah, Did you find them?”

Me:  “Yes I found them.  Boy am I glad I tore up the bathroom, living room, living room closet, kitchen, office, and our bedroom.  That just needed doing.”

After 90 minutes of looking for my keys, I think I understand how Serious Cat is feeling.

There is now a huge pile of shit about waist-high in the center of the living room composed of clothes, cheap furniture, toys, garbage, and scrap paper.

Along the way, I tripped over a child’s-fist-sized Finding Nemo “Nemo” fish-flashlight thing and slammed into the wall between the bathroom and downstairs door – shoulder-and-head-first.  I became quite angry and the next thing I knew I was in the garage hitting it for what must have been the 8th time with a 15lb sledgehammer.

You can’t make this stuff up.

I don’t think the Nemo flashlight is salvageable.

So, I’m going to save the commute time and sit here working from my easy chair and desk.  I hurt.

But I got my keys.  That’s the important thing, right?

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It needs crude oil splashes, some loose gooey kernels laying around and lots of little tweaks – and whatever input you may care to give as long as you don’t hurt my fragile feelings by beating around the bush.  Tell it like it is and for heaven’s sake don’t pussyfoot around it.

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