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Archive for June 29th, 2010

Aggie Sith over at Hookers and Booze mentioned the great story of a woman who drove her car into a canal and told the cops it was because of the vampire she saw.

Ok, did you read it?

They.  Could.  Not.  Find.  The.  Vampire.

Aggie’s right – the woman is a Fruita-bat.  I have no idea what state the town of Fruita is in, but does it really matter?

Reminds me of stealing pumpkins one Halloween long ago, when I was in college.  We made several trips back to the same store something like 20 minutes apart and carving as fast as they came in.  We were drunk, yes.  We had larcenated† an obscene amount of pumpkins.

I had drunk the better part of a six-pack fairly quickly so when nature called I answered.  I was taking a leak in the bushes outside the house we were renting when two cop cars drove up.  Being the modest sort, I dove into the bushes, finished my business, and hopped back out.   There were no wardrobe or equipment malfunctions that I could detect.

I said “Wait, I need to check on something” and hurried into the house.  Now in this day and age you couldn’t get away with that, but this was the 80’s, ok?  Besides, they already knew me from when I helped them slim-jim a car open that was unclaimed at one of our parties.  That is a story for another day, however.  Anyway, I went in the house with one of the other guys to tell everyone that we had a situation, then immediately went to the fridge and chugged soy sauce, hoping to get the smell of the beer off of my underage breath.

There was a lot of chatter as we quickly decided what to do, which amounted to eight people and eight opinions, none of which made any sense once we sobered up.  Thinking that we were armored in the breastplate of preparedness, armed with the sword of obfuscation, and helmed with the helmet of… sh*t… you get the idea… so armed, we each felt like we could stand up to anything as long as the other seven guys kept their mouths shut, and as one we trudged on out.

The cops looked at the eight of us and said that (a) they had a report of a rash of pumpkin thefts, that (b) we were described as being pretty much involved in all of them, and that (c) they wanted to search the house.

Being rather stupid but thinking we were smart (probably because of the beer) we asked in sly lawyerly tones “Wait, what are you searching FOR?”  For some reason we were convinced that even if they saw thousands of illegal things (and they might well have) they could only nail us on the one pre-declared thing that we tipped their hand with.  We had them by the short-hairs, by golly!

Cop #2 looks at Cop #1, glances at our porch, which is literally covered with jack-o-lanterns and glowing like the noonday sun from all the candles, looks back to Cop #1, smiles, and says “Pumpkins.  I guess we’re looking for pumpkins.”

Like the Fruita-bat lady’s vampire, the cops never found any pumpkins, and the jack-o-lanterns weren’t talking.

It is understood that larcenated is a totally bogus bastardization of a damn fine word, but it was done for entertainment purposes only.

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Still another mystery is the woman who became impregnated by a 3-D movie. Thanks to the good people of POP-Jolly!

A white American woman who had a black baby claims she fell pregnant whilst watching a porn movie in 3D. According to reports, the childs father , who is white was serving in the military in Iraq when she became pregnant.

His wife Jennifer told him the child was conceived whilst watching a porn movie in 3D.
“I see it as suspicious. The films in 3-D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible “he said.

My goodness, that is suspicious.

I wonder if “dad” will figure out that yes, she probably did  get pregnant because of the 3D porn movie after having acted in it.

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Caught an expression I hadn’t seen/heard before while watching the DVD’s for Dexter, Season 1.  Ready for it?

Donkey-fluffer.

For some reason even tho it is gross and obscene, just the sound of it is funny.  Plus it’s one hell of a great put-down.

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I did not know that Kagan actually in the same document suggested checking out the NRA and the KKK.

Yeah, that’s who I want for SCOTUS, someone who thinks that my support of the NRA makes me as worthy of keeping track of as a racist KKK member.

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While being questioned by Republicans, who aren’t in orgiastic throes like the liberal members of congress, Kagan said:

“My politics would be, must be, have to be completely separate from my judging,” said Kagan, who was a domestic policy adviser in the Clinton administration.

Horsesh*t.  There is not a single judge nor has there ever been or will be that could separate their bias from a case.  NOT ONE.

The real test of a judge is whether they apply bias or whether they apply prejudgment.  “Bias” says “if I can judge in a certain way, I will.”  “Prejudgment” says “I will judge in this way regardless of the case.”

I don’t foresee Kagan applying only bias, and “politics” is actually worse than prejudgment because it comes from without, not within.

The distinction between bias and prejudgment is not a concept I thought of – it was presented when I first saw it in Frank Herbert’s book “The Dosadi Experiment”.  Perhaps one of my top ten books of all time.  “Whipping Star” also features the same main character – Bureau of Sabotage member Georg X. McKie.   Awesome awesome books.

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I really really hope that Pete Stark pays a hefty political price for mocking a voter with an honest concern.

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