Note: I accidentally deleted this posting. It had some great comments which I will reconstruct tomorrow. So sorry.
In order to work out some stuff with insurance I had to drive way out – way way out on the other side of Detroit this morning.
Got lost. Got really lost. Well, actually I knew where I was every time except when I was where I needed to be. I was very nearly late.
I’m looking at my map and trying to spot something that looked even close to my destination and when I look up there’s flashing lights in my rearview mirror. It was Death, sitting astride his pale horse.
I pointed to the next side street and pulled in.
Death left his steed idling at the curb and floated up to my window.
I said “Geez, I sure hope you can help me find this place because I’m totally lost,” stabbing my finger at my map animatedly. Now, as you already know that wasn’t quite true because I knew where I wasn’t supposed to be which was where I was – I just couldn’t get to where I wasn’t. So technically I wasn’t lost. Moving right along…
In his most professional Grim Reaper expression the officer, who we’ll call Officer Thanatos, said “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I thought furiously for a moment and then said to myself “Nope, I got nuthin’.”
“No sir, I don’t.”
Officer Thanatos then said “You blew through a red light. That’s bad.”
Ruh-roh! That IS bad!!!
“Geez, I’m really sorry, Sir – I am just totally lost.”
“Give me your license, proof of insurance, and registration, Sir.” said Thanatos in a chill yet sort of lifelike voice.
I fumbled for my glovebox and snatched up the documents, then threw my license into the pile, and handed it all to him. “I call.”
No, I didn’t say that, but my brain did, inside where brain things happen inside my head. Why would I think about poker at a time like this… hell, I don’t know.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Be right here, Sir!” I chirped.
Note: This is exactly the sort of situation that always ended badly for me in high school – my brain would signal to my mouth to say something and because my mouth doesn’t actually have a brain it just went along with the suggestion, leading to visits with my pal, the principal, and later to some horrific form of dire punishment.
He came back a few minutes later, but meanwhile I called Cruel Wife who laughed evilly at my predicament. I hung up, as there was no sympathy to be had there. It was her first day on her new job and she wasn’t going to let anything take away that warm fuzzy feeling.
“Sir, I’m going to give you a warning on the moving violation but I’m going to have to…”
Ok, stop right there. No utterance by a police officer ever went well when it contained “sorry” and “but” in the same sentence. Never. Not once.
“… write you up for no proof of insurance and no vehicle registration.”
“Uh, OK… What???“
Thanatos grimaced, which is hard to imagine but a death’s head can actually grimace, and said “Your insurance card is expired and your registration doesn’t match your plate.”
RUH-ROH!
Well, there just isn’t much you can say to that. Arguing with Death never amounted to much.
Soooooo… I thanked Death profusely for not giving me a moving violation and sat there numbly as he gave me directions to the place where I wasn’t but which I also desperately needed to be since where I was wasn’t doing me any good whatsoever.
As usual, many passers-by slowed down to watch Death administer the last rites, sealing me to my fate. Which was OK because really my mind was already where I wasn’t but knew that I had to be. I made it to my destination with one minute to spare.
And the morning went downhill from there. But that’s another story which I probably won’t tell anyway.
It just occurred to me that perhaps I ought to make some phone calls tomorrow to rectify the documentation problem.
Yeah, it’s never fun getting pulled over by the man. I mentioned over on Laura’s blog that I once went out of a building to find my car surrounded by police. Turned out someone with my same make, model and color had held up a liquor store in the area. They wanted my driver’s license and ran a check on me and asked me a bunch of questions and I told them to go ahead and search my car, nothing to hide. They cleared me in five to ten minutes, and I’m glad they didn’t ask me to go in for questioning. All of my co-workers were watching the situation while everyone was on break. They gave me shit for weeks.
I have an interesting story from when I was 12 or 13 but that’s a blog posting future topic.
Aw, hell…my beauteous comments…GONE!!!! 😀
I will cut/paste them together (with proper attributions) to the end of the comments section tonight. Fear not, thy ravings have been saved.
Remember, fame is fleeting but the internet is forever.
RAVINGS????
WTH?? I thought they were SPITTLY RANTINGS!!! 😛
Here are the previous commented posts – I could not recreate everything (like my own idiotic replies) but this is the essence.
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Apotheosis
Comment: lol @ the “princiPAL” thing. I thought only my principal ever pulled that cornball line.
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Mitchell
Comment: Ah, sorry to hear about the cop-stop. Those are never fun.
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Lemur King
Comment: It could have been worse – at least I didn’t end up in handcuffs. They are awfully uncomfortable.
So I hear.
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Steamboat McGoo
Comment: Damn, LK! And you say the insurance “adjuster” visit didn’t go well, either? Crap!
What? Did you have the wrong registration with the wrong car? That happened to me once with insurance cards, and forever after that I carried copies of both cards in both cars.
Best of luck to you dude!
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LC Aggie Sith
Comment: Get the fur-lined ones. They don’t chafe.
So I hear, too.
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Lemur King
Comment: Will seal-fur lined hancuffs do?
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LC Aggie Sith
Comment: Puuuuurfect, LK 😉
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Nicole
Comment: Doh. I hate it when things are in not order like you expect them to be and you get caught on it by Authoritah. Good to not get a moving violation, though.
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C Monster
Comment: Officer Thanatos…brilliant.
LK, this is OT, but not too distant from that other poject I set you before. This came from a new commenter who enjoyed Harbqll’s visit to the bookstore:
C Monster,
Ever wonder why Bacon always gets top billing ?
BACON lettuce and tomato.
BACON cheese burger.
BACON and eggs.
BACON and Koran.
Maybe because bacon is just so darned good.
BACON and KORAN….is that a visual, or what?