Wasn’t called in last week but I had to report for jury duty today.
Waited in Purgatory for a while, drinking complimentary coffee that had been sent up from Hell. When not even Hell wants the coffee it goes to one of two places – juror waiting rooms and Starbucks™.
We got the call and shuffled out to the sounds of whips cracking and somebody in the back yelling “Moooov ’em out!” Bossy in front of me was told to please muffle her bells. Thus the journey of a thousand yards began with but a single hoof-step.
When we were seated in the courtroom The Judge (Her Honorableness) gave us the usual inspirational speech and then asked if anyone had a medical condition, like a bad back, that would possibly be an issue. Several people did and they talked back and forth for a while but no one was dismissed.
The Judge asked if anyone had bad vision. After some silence I raised my hand and said “I’ve got bad hearing and read lips.” I helpfully pulled my hearing aid out and held it up. It’s black so from a distance it looks remarkably like the evil earwig thing from The Wrath of Khan.
The Judge quickly looked at lawyer #1 and asked “Pass him over?” He nodded. The Judge asked lawyer #2 the same and he said “He can go.”
Not only do they worry that someone’s back to me would cause me to miss some of the conversations but they also don’t like lip-readers because I would be able to tell what a lawyer was whispering to his client.
In the words of the Court Clerk: “We’ve had lip-readers before and it really screws things up.”
I can just imagine myself in the juror’s box and suddenly standing up in outrage and pointing at a lawyer and then his client, yelling “You BASTARD! HE KILLED KENNY!”
This, I imagine, would not have a favorable outcome.
In the context of performing one’s civic duty, I’m a Legal Leper. Outcast unclean. A pariah.
Cool.
Lemur King's Folly 
I want to do jury duty but even though I vote, I’ve only been called twice.
Once, I had already moved to lovely Utica, NY from Albany so I couldn’t (I was going to school) and the other time was a year or two ago I wasn’t called to go on a jury (I wasn’t questioned like you, I just sat there waiting).
Of course, being a white conservative male, I’m probably not their best choice.
Thanks, by the way, for moving that pic off the top. It was really getting to me.
Now, if you have some hottie actress’ pic on top, by all means, leave it there.
But having to stare at that mug made me almost feel bad for Slick Willy.
Are they even allowed to ask you your political tendencies?
I noticed in the selection process years ago that unless you fit the profile best described as “pliable human putty” you pretty much had nothing to worry about.
My apologies for the Hillary pic stagnating/festering there. I wasn’t feeling very good last week and let it slide.
I’ll put up something tonight to balance out the karma.
I believe that you are correct when you point out that coffee from hell goes to Starbucks. Not only does their pretentious, self-important branding drive me up a wall; their overpriced coffee SUCKS. And then they put syrup in it. Yuck.
Anyway, I been called for jury duty several times over the years but never got to say “GUILTY!”
Which I would do, seeing as if you’re in the spot in the first place then you musta done something wrong.
Talk about pre-judging…
Cruel Wife and I are equally disgusted with Starbuck’s coffee (and we lived in Washington for years). I think it tastes burnt, like it was way over-roasted, and so it is the perfect candidate for “coffee from Hell”.
And it wasn’t even strong coffee from Hell. It was watery awful coffee which is somehow even more depressing.
“Give ’em a fair trial and hang ’em” was an expression my dad said fairly often when I was growing up.
I’ve only been called to jury duty once. We sat around for a couple hours, watched a video or two about how we were fulfilling our civic duties and some procedural stuff. Then we were told our case reached a plea deal and we were free to go. I did get about ten bucks out of the deal so there’s that.
You lucky bastard. 🙂
Seriously, though, I don’t mind jury duty. It’s an interesting look into the inner “workings” of our “justice” system. 🙂
I can’t say that it’s a net negative because I happen to like my quiet world but there are some downsides to missing a good chunk of your hearing – can’t hear frogs, or birds, and if the kids get hurt I may or may not be able to tell. On the whole I’m content with the hearing situation. Sure, it’s getting worse but I can think of worse things.
Missing the inner workings part was the only downside to the Legal Leper thing. TV couldn’t begin to capture it, I’m sure, any more than video of a fire really shows one what it feels like to be next to one that is getting out of hand.
My employer gave me a token award for some work I did: A gift card for Starbucks. Not only do I dislike them, there’s only one within 50 miles of where I live. Literally. Sigh. Can’t win for losing.
I know how you feel about jury duty: I can’t give blood. Tried several years ago, but was told no. Something about being stationed in Europe many years ago. Haven’t tried since then.
Oh, and thanks for running Billary off the top of the page!
Wow, 50 miles?! We got them in the freaking grocery stores in Vegas now.
Don’t worry though, you will be assimilated. They’re probably planning on parachuting in a brigade of advance barista shocktroopers soften up the resistance first.
Phoo. Southern Maryland, like I said. Five years ago when Wife and I moved here, we were in a rental house for a while, no (legally available) Internet. So I stopped by the Starbucks in town (the one in 50 miles), asked about their Wi-Fi. The reply: What’s that?
No kidding. Had to park outside the local library for Wi-Fi. And the only bookstore in the area has closed. Have to drive 40 miles if I want to look at a book before buying.
The barista shocktroopers better be careful parachuting into the area, there’s an active Navy base here that takes security very seriously… The Test Pilot School would consider it Live Target Practice.