Boobs and Boners?

I had to wrestle with the title of the post for more than ten seconds before deciding to do it.

I don’t normally post stuff like boob bombs or the penis award.  But there’s always a first time (most things anyway, and there are a lot of exceptions).

Yesterday’s post involved a side project for an award for c.monster over at Soylent Green.  Please do feel free to read yesterday’s post for I shan’t repeat the story here.

Defintely NSFW, but the warning would come too late if I had put the page in-line with the posting, so I didn’t.  Instead you can follow this link TO AN NSFW GRAPHIC of  (in deep exaggerated baritone voice)

THE IRON PENIS AWARD

You have been warned.

Feel free to give feedback – it is critical feedback that makes things better.

Update:  I gather that the response was positive…

Update #2:  I wouldn’t have thought I could possibly view a picture as pathetic as this.  Jar-jar Binks has more charisma.

Update #3:  This cat has my permission to boil that turtle in oil.  (h/t to Laura at Fetch My Flying Monkeys – Now with more goat)

Read Full Post »

Proposed Badge

Okay.  So c.monster over at Soylent asked me what my vision would be for an award he has been given.  Click for a NSFW picture post.

The award?   (in a booming loud baritone voice)

The Iron Penis Award

So, like… wow.  Now, I’ve known c.monster for a while now and it would be hard to turn him down when he’d been given a cool award for tasteful imagery, but I wasn’t sure just what to do.

When I did the Boob Bomb pic to see if veeshir could be enticed back (he’s triple-secret boycotting me now, it appears) I had to do a lot of distasteful searching on Google for boobs.  I had to find the perfect one and CW would not model for the pic.  So I sacrificed to come through on that image.  I looked at literally thousands of boobs.

But somehow, I just wasn’t as interested in taking one for the team when it came to looking at lots of pics of penises.

So I said to myself “Self, what does one look like?”

And I answered myself by saying “Well, Self, if only we knew of someone who has one, and perhaps he might be able to help us.”

And that’s where I came in.  I was indeed an owner of such equipment and I was able to help myself in this endeavor.

Can this get any more awkward?

So drawing upon my vast experience with original-owner genuine junk, I set out to do a line art version, one that would be stylized and not a ‘shopped photo, which had all the appeal of a drooling skunk.

Cruel Wife took a look and said “Yep, that is unmistakable, and if Girlhead sees it, you can tell her it is a chinese mushroom.”

The graphic is not a picture of my junk, ok?  I just went for the stereotypical imagery and a size ratio that fit the effect I was going for.

My this is awkward, isn’t it?

The graphic may change, depending on what c.monster says he likes or doesn’t like.  It is his award after all.

Update:  Ditch the lettering.  Chrome it up.   I can do those.  Tomorrow night.

Read Full Post »

Clarabelle the Imposter

Guy steals milk.  Okay.  Guy steals milk while dressed as a cow.  What?  Oh… ok…  Guy steals milk dressed as a cow then runs from the police.  Okay, I guess.  Guy steals milk while dressed as a cow and tries to elude the cops by skipping away.

Oh yeah, way to blend into the crowd.

Can you see the cop trying to get assistance?

“Dispatch, we have a white and black bovine, approximate 5’10” tall, last seen skipping away from the Piggley Wiggley and heading north on Alfalfa Street.  Suspect is teated and presumed dangerous, possibly insane.  Wanted on suspicion of grand theft lactose.”

****

Heard about this on the way to work this morning and I gagged up three kittens.  I don’t even eat kittens and I horked up a few.

Superman renouncing his American citizenship.    Great, now even childhood heroes are portrayed as cool if they ditch their country.  Great.

It’s posted all over the place, I know.  But what you won’t read anywhere else is that Superman is she-male and eats bunnies live.

No, he doesn’t do that.  But the very notion of Supes not being American makes me sad and ill at the same time.  He used to be my favorite comic-book hero, alongside Green Arrow and the Hulk.

More later…

Read Full Post »

Taco Bell Calls Bull.

Well, Beasley-Allen (law firm full of weasels, but I repeat myself) dropped it’s suit against Taco Bell.

Hurray!  Waytogo Taco Bell!

[after] changes in marketing and product disclosure were made…  (source: Fox News)

I am not 100% sure but I think that means “We found we didn’t have a leg to stand on and the judge said ‘You can walk or I’ll spank you and then send you packing'”.  Do I have that about right?

****

You might have seen my last posting and comments to it where my daughter innocently said something that she heard me say and I cringed.  It sounded funny coming out of my mouth.  Out of hers?  It made me cringe.

Well, take a read about this lady’s conversation with her daughter about the birds, the bees, and permutations thereof… rather insightful in an innocent way.  But the mom had to be squirming once she set foot down a certain path.  Frankly I would have backed the B&B truck up and said “Hokay, you’re old enough to ask the question I’ll give you as much truth as you can stomach.”

****

Zombie-Proof Homes!  I know what my next home will be!  It has windows, they’re just hidden under the concrete window covers.  Big Bird couldn’t take a window out w/o breaking his neck.

The walkway on the left is a drawbridge and is the only way in once you button the place up – and it can be raised.  I’m emotionally erect.

… … … wow.

Ok, along the lines of zombies…  This review was on Amazon.com for “John Dies @ the End”.

In this reissue of an Internet phenomenon originally slapped between two covers in 2007 by indie Permutus Press, Wong—Cracked.com editor Jason Pargin’s alter ego—adroitly spoofs the horror genre while simultaneously offering up a genuinely horrifying story. The terror is rooted in a substance known as soy sauce, a paranormal psychoactive that opens video store clerk Wong’s—and his penis-obsessed friend John’s—minds to higher levels of consciousness. Or is it just hell seeping into the unnamed Midwestern town where Wong and the others live? Meat monsters, wig-wearing scorpion aberrations and wingless white flies that burrow into human skin threaten to kill Wong and his crew before infesting the rest of the world. A multidimensional plot unfolds as the unlikely heroes drink lots of beer and battle the paradoxes of time and space, as well as the clichés of first-person-shooter video games and fantasy gore films. Sure to please the Fangoria set while appealing to a wider audience, the book’s smart take on fear manages to tap into readers’ existential dread on one page, then have them laughing the next.  – Publisher’s Weekly

Ok, so there are no zombies in it at all, but **wah-heyyyyy**, sounds pretty good to me.  I just used zombies as a lead-in.  Worked, didn’t it?

John Dies at the End…[is] a case of the author trying to depict actual, soul-sucking lunacy, and succeeding with flying colors. –Fangoria

Hot damn!  Soul-sucking lunacy?  Can they overnight it?

****

I’ve remarked on this before but this is just a no-win situation.

If you agree all the time, you’re not being true to self.  If you disagree with someone, you’re a racist.  Either way you’re probably a racist and may not even know it.

It’s almost a certainty you’re a racist so just admit it.

Read Full Post »

Shelter that Snowflake.

Update:   Sent to me by ID10T Killer.  I cannot possibly imagine how you could get geekier than building an ALU using MineCraft.   That doesn’t mean “bad”, it just means “you don’t get very many dates, do you?”

****
Just how much of a sad sack of sh*t do you need to be to think that your kid needs a “no-hit pinata”?

Me, I’m going to get my kids a harp-seal pinata, furred with real harp-seal fur.

This was originally over at Tacky Raccoons (Bunk Strutts).

****

In a million years I could not stress enough how badly I need #5, The Walking Harvester, aka the Tree-Eating Robo-Spider

****

Seanbaby over at Cracked.com put up a piece listing sex advice books… Page 2 is something else.  Definitely adult-oriented.  Funny as hell.

4 Great Sex Advice Books for People Who Hate Sex

#4 looks like a good way to die of a brain aneurysm, and I don’t mean the good kind.

7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital

Ah, what the hell.  We’re on “Sex” tonight so let’s talk about “forbidden love”.

****

And making paper out of elephant poop is a green thing to do… how?

…environmentally conscious company…

[snip]

After the poo is gathered, Flancman said it’s carefully rinsed with water, leaving only the fibrous materials from the grasses, bamboo and fruits the elephants have eaten but couldn’t digest.

Then… those fibers are thrown into a giant pot of boiling water to ensure an even more thorough cleansing and sterilization, leaving the fibers primed and ready to be made into paper.Once additional fibers from pineapple plants and trees are thrown into the all-natural mix to add thickness, [the] team separates the moist pulp into small cakes that are then spread over a mesh-bottomed tray and left out to dry naturally under the sun for several hours.Once dry, the cakes transform into sheets of paper, and Flancman and his crew are able to peel them off the tray and start making Poo Poo Paper products.

He said this tedious handmade process is repeated often, and in the end, the paper comes out sturdy and oatmeal-colored without a hint of stinkiness.

Oh!  They are allowed to dry naturally, which makes this a green process.  Right.  Got it.

****

I made an awful, awful, awful mistake a month or so ago.  I like to cook and I made fresh mashed spuds using red potatoes.  My favorite, next to Yukon Golds.  So anyway, I slop some on my daughter’s plate, add a pat of butter, and a dollop of gravy from a pork roast on top.

Looking at Cruel Wife I said with a grin “There you go, girl, a ‘Volcano of Love’.”

More later…

Now, that didn’t sound NEARLY as obscene when I said it as when my daughter said tonight after finishing her mashed potatoes:

“Dad, I want another ‘Volcano of Love’.”

I looked at my wife, and she had the most evil grin on her face – the kind of evil grin that turns your bones gelatinous and makes your skin just wetly slough off and pile up on the floor.

I’m going to need a whole lot of serious therapy.

Read Full Post »

On Apertures and Science

I’ve been playing Portal 2.  Impeccable game.  Absolutely top-notch and worth every single penny if you had to dig in public hotel and restaurant couches for six weeks to scrape up the cash.

All right, I’ve been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back.

GET MAD! I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!

DEMAND TO SEE LIFE’S MANAGER! Make life RUE the day it thought it could give CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS!

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I’M THE MAN WHO’S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that’s gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!

– Cave Johnson, Portal 2

I hesitate to include the next link.  If you are a person who doesn’t like spoilers (it only kind of does) then don’t watch it.  Ignore the purple elephant.  Just don’t think about it.

But the tune and lyrics and singing… they just stick in your brain and don’t go away.  I’ve had it in my head for three and a half hours now.

Aperture Science

We do what we must

because we can.

****
Last night Cruel Wife said we can fly the chopper again!  Hee hee!  No, that’s not a euphemism.  I’m talking Battlefield 2.

****

My “guy parts” are up near my collarbones in sympathy.  Keep watching until the replay at the end.  That poor bastard.  It’s moments like that where a person really does wish to just be shot so they can forego the experience.

Read Full Post »

Easter – what it used to be?

It’s a good time of the year – Easter Sunday tomorrow.

Have these types of celebrations ever been in vogue around the world?  Would have been cool.

If we lived in Hungary, we might be celebrating Easter by getting buckets of water dumped on us. “The watering of the girls” is a fertility ritual where girls dress in traditional garb and men pour buckets of water on them as they pass.

Well, that sounds pretty interesting.

****

Immediately thought “Oh, burned coffee – must be about Starbucks.”

Nope.  But it was still burned coffee, just like Starbucks.

****

What economic recovery?  Has anyone on the ground actually seen a ****ing economic recovery?

“Economic recovery prompts US divorce rebound”

****

Civet coffee is nothing new.  But this is an interesting way to put it.

Apparently, enzymes and other chemicals in the animal’s digestive tract react with the protein in the beans, eliminating much of the bitterness present in most coffees and creating a highly appealing flavor, despite how it came to pass.

At $300 per pound, that better be a fine enzyme-producing-cat-crapped cup o’ beans.

****

On Fark this was titled “Man shot in head with potato gun is lucky an eye wasn’t put out“.

I’ve seen a potato fired at a cinder-block wall get reduced to a starchy vapor.  Potato guns could kill you easily.

The 24-year-old man was camping with friends in Gurnang State Forest, south of Oberon, when a potato gun discharged…

Yeah, they were sitting around the fire, toasting marshmallows when suddenly this dude’s potato gun that was leaning up against a tree just fell over and, like, went off, dudes.

Sorry but potato guns discharge because someone discharged them, so really the story should read “The 24 year-old man was hanging out with his buddies and doing stupid things when his head was somehow put between the end of the barrel and the spot where the potato wanted to go, and got clobbered by the tuber.”

****

I can no longer deny that we are a country that is home to enough stupid people (evidence follows) that the last presidential election is not only easily understandable but almost a foregone conclusion.

The longtime treasurer of the Salvation Army in Barnes County has quit after being told not to serve free food to contractors who built up the city’s dikes in response to near-record Sheyenne River flooding.

Mayor Bob Werkhoven said in a statement that the city needs to focus on flood-fighting and that the food dispute is “a non-issue for both the city and the Salvation Army.”

Lori Jury said restaurant owners wanted construction workers’ business, leading her superiors to tell her to stop food deliveries, even during hours the restaurants weren’t open.

“All I wanted to do was feed some hungry men who are working hard to save our community,” Jury, who had been treasurer for 16 years, told the Times-Record newspaper. “I never dreamt it would come to this.

****
I can’t help it.  I go back and re-read this any time I need an instant genuine laugh.

****

I understand the argument about medical treatment being something you can’t not give to prisoners.  But there’s medical treatment and there’s also giving criminals organ transplants that could be saving someone’s life on the outside.

“The policy is pretty simple: We are constitutionally obligated to provide health-care services to the inmates,” said Peter Cutler, a spokesman for the state Departmentof Correctional Services. “They basically receive the community standard of care.”    Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/04/23/ny-taxpayers-pay-big-heart-transplant-convicted-rapist

Giving them care doesn’t necessarily mean you have to give them a heart transplant.  Treatment can be palliative and not necessarily curative (if a transplant can be considered such).  So not giving them a heart transplant doesn’t mean they didn’t get treatment.

I don’t know – but giving a criminal a taxpayer-funded organ transplant while serving a sentence, which is also taxpayer-funded, while some poor bastard is in hock up to his eyeballs so his kid or wife could have one… there’s something wrong there.

Read Full Post »

I must be dreaming.

Tonight, for the first time, I set up a server for Battlefield 2, loaded a map, and headed for a chopper.

Up to that point, I’ve done all that a million jillion times.  You have to practice a lot.

But tonight was… unusual.

I got in my AH-1Z attack helicopter: 

I throttled her up, and my gunner got in.

Cruel Wife was my gunner, playing Battlefield 2.  I was on my computer, she was on hers, and we were honest-to-goodness flying.

Before long she was taking out targets of opportunity with the 20mm Gatling Gun and TV-Guided Hellfire Anti-Armor AGM’s.

If I weren’t married, and you weren’t married, I would ask CW to marry me.   – LC Aggie Sith

Note to Aggie… If I wasn’t married to her, and you weren’t married to her, I’d marry her.

It was so gosh darned cool.   Yeah, I know she probably won’t really get into the game.  Hokay, but for 15 minutes or so, coming up over a hilltop to rain fire down upon others was just pure bliss.

Note:  I’ve had to practice LOTS to become a decent pilot (The Dude is an excellent gunner, IMHO).  No, the controls are not not not realistic.  But then again, neither is battle, so let’s just get over that and move on.  That said, flying a helicopter is not easy – easy to start, easier to die, difficult to master, and flying in battle while looking good doing it (so your gunner doesn’t hate your guts) – all without dying… that’s not easy.  Really.  And no, I never fly in 3rd person mode, ever.  I think it’s a pansy-weasel way to fly.  (No offense to Weasels)

Read Full Post »

Veeshir Made Me Drop the Bomb.

Veeshir boycotted my blog.  Not even SALMA HAYEK screaming “Veeshir, come back!” and falling out of her top (see sidebar at right) was enough to keep him from boycotting Lemur King’s Folly.

This would NOT do.  Hillary Clinton unattended at the top of my blog for days was understandably an assault on the eyes, and Scarlett Johansson was not up long enough to salve his corneas (And she is dating Sean Penn?  WTF?), so he was understandably soul-injured and skittish afterwards.  Then he just became peevish and intractable.  When Salma doesn’t work, drastic measures must be taken.

So I decided that I must drop the bomb for the sake of peace.  The Boob Bomb™©.

Instant fame to the person who recognizes who the boob came from!!†

I have now looked at so many porn-star boobs to find “the perfect one”, only to find 999 times out of 1000 some butt-ugly guy on a couch with some chick with silicone filled hooters that have their own zip codes, that I’m probably going to need some kind of therapy.  The things I do for peace.

† I asked Cruel Wife if she would rather be the model of said boob, which would keep me from having to -ahem- research.  She said, and I quote “No f***ing way.”

****

For Curtal Friar… a recipe.  There are two pages in that PDF – it “printed” oddly, but both sides of the recipe card are there.

LemurPesto

Read Full Post »

I am a law-abiding citizen.

I am.  I’m a law-abiding Michigander.  But I’ll tell you this:

If the Michigan police think that if I am stopped that they can download data off my cellphone they are going to have to arrest me.  AFTER I take my SIM card and destroy it.  There is no F*CKING WAY they get to intrude on my privacy like this.  No way.

The Michigan State Police have a high-tech mobile forensics device that can be used to extract information from cell phones belonging to motorists stopped for minor traffic violations. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of Michigan last Wednesday demanded that state officials stop stonewalling freedom of information requests for information on the program.

ACLU learned that the police had acquired the cell phone scanning devices and in August 2008 filed an official request for records on the program, including logs of how the devices were used. The state police responded by saying they would provide the information only in return for a payment of $544,680. The ACLU found the charge outrageous.

I will endure arrest on principle.  I will be respectful to the officer, as much as I can and still refuse to comply with his “orders”, but I will NOT hand over my personal information to anyone under duress.

A US Department of Justice test of the CelleBrite UFED used by Michigan police found the device could grab all of the photos and video off of an iPhone within one-and-a-half minutes. The device works with 3000 different phone models and can even defeat password protections.

“Complete extraction of existing, hidden, and deleted phone data, including call history, text messages, contacts, images, and geotags,” a CelleBrite brochure explains regarding the device’s capabilities. “The Physical Analyzer allows visualization of both existing and deleted locations on Google Earth. In addition, location information from GPS devices and image geotags can be mapped on Google Maps.”

The ACLU is concerned that these powerful capabilities are being quietly used to bypass Fourth Amendment protections against unreasonable searches.

“With certain exceptions that do not apply here, a search cannot occur without a warrant in which a judicial officer determines that there is probable cause to believe that the search will yield evidence of criminal activity,” Fancher wrote. “A device that allows immediate, surreptitious intrusion into private data creates enormous risks that troopers will ignore these requirements to the detriment of the constitutional rights of persons whose cell phones are searched.”

Many thanks to The Butcher of Lansing for this link.

****

Now, do NOT think that this next graphic (not mine) and the previous section above are related in any way.  They aren’t.  But Llamas with Hats make me laugh and damnit, I could use a laugh.  Family health issues with my sister have made this kind of a dark week.

Read Full Post »

Borrowed gun, protected officer down, face charges.

This was on Fark, but goddamn it, it is real.

A fallen police officer drops his gun.  Do you pick it up to keep the six bad guys away, thus saving the officer’s life?

Apparently not in New York you don’t, unless you like having charges pressed against you because you are “unlicensed to carry a gun”.

The unidentified school safety agent grabbed the Glock that Presley dropped when he was shot, sources said, and chased the five bandits, firing back after at least one robber shot at him.

Investigators believe Presley fired his weapon seven times before the school safety agent squeezed off nine shots, a source said. The robbers fired a total of six times.

The agent, who is not licensed to carry a gun, could face charges, sources said.

Yes, yes, I know… he could have posed a risk to bystanders, but so could the off-duty cop.  Are we just never going to take a stand against the real bad guys?

Every now and then you read about a citizen that doesn’t like being bullied and beats the everlovin’ shit out of some would-be robber or rapist and some idiot cop says “Well, people shouldn’t take risks like this or they could get hurt.”  Cops that don’t support people defending themselves have missed the point:  BAD GUYS NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ANYONE THEY TRY TO VICTIMIZE.  IF THEY WERE AFRAID THAT ANYONE THEY ATTACKED MIGHT JUST KILL THEM IN SELF-DEFENSE THEY WOULD COMMIT LESS CRIME.

How can I prove that?  Easy.

99% of the time, do the bad guys go after someone bigger, meaner, and tougher looking than themselves?  No they don’t.  They go after those who can give them the best bang for the buck with the least danger to themselves.  Them as the robber thinks can’t defend themselves.  Think about it.  A person who preys on the weak and defenseless is a chickenshit with no real courage.

****

This is guaranteed Amusing Bunni bait.  If she hasn’t already grabbed it from somewhere.

And, to wash some of that saccharine sweetness away, here’s some sushi.  I found them by googling after having sushi a few weeks ago.  There are a surprising number of naked chicks with sushi laid out on their bodies.  Myself, I think it’s going to throw off the fatty tuna because the fat really starts to melt at body temp so I’d probably stick to the stuff they bring me on my plate.  (For real, a co-worker of mine ate sushi from a buffet bar once, and traumatized me horribly in doing so.)

****

Since the 2000 election I’ve thought Florida had more than it’s share of issues.  And they keep proving me right.

Florida officials are investigating an unemployment agency that spent public money to give 6,000 superhero capes to the jobless.

Workforce Central Florida spent more than $14,000 on the red capes as part of its “Cape-A-Bility Challenge” public relations campaign.

[snip]

Workforce Central Florida Director Gary J. Earl defends the program, saying it is part of a greater effort to connect with the community.

Connecting with the community is achieved by dressing adults looking for work as superheroes?  I can tell you now, the first person to darken my doorway looking for a job while wearing a cape or having ever worn a cape after the age of 12 (Halloween excluded but I will still watch them closely) will be the first person whose resume I send to the shredder.

Yes, I am a Capist bastard.  Should they start a new category of discrimination victims?

****

Alert reader mrmacs passed this on.  Hoooooo-eeeeeee!   Ho-leeeee sheeeet!

Anything that punches through a steel plate and still goes 7km at Mach 5 has my complete respect.   Do check out the video.

Read Full Post »

Where’s My Fiddle, Dammit?

So S&P keeps our AAA rating but downgrades our outlook.  As well they should.

Standard & Poor’s on Monday downgraded the outlook for the United States to negative, saying it believes there’s a risk U.S. policymakers may not reach agreement on how to address the country’s long-term fiscal pressures.

The Fed has been too long controlled by the presidents, unwilling to say what needed to be said because of “possible damage to the (stock) markets” – not that anyone on the gov’t side has ever listened much to the Fed Chairman and the GAO much.

But they’re going to have to, and soon.

Congressional Republicans are trying to figure out which card to play next after the White House got into some high-stakes poker-playing over the weekend, with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner effectively calling the GOP’s bluff on the debt limit.

Republicans for weeks have threatened to withhold their support for raising the $14.3 trillion ceiling unless and until they see substantive commitments to cut spending and reform the budget. Washington is expected to hit that ceiling by next month. Even with the wiggle room Treasury might be able to create to extend the deadline, that doesn’t leave lawmakers a lot of time to reach a deal.

source: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/04/18/geithner-calling-gops-bluff-secretary-says-congress-vote-raise-debt-limit

****
Tea egg pictures.  Shot in bright light, not balanced, and generally they look as crappy as they never really did.  I’ll play with the pic make it purty.

Read Full Post »

Eggxactly.

I have made tea eggs tonight.  They need to steep for a few hours more, yet.  Then I can take a picture.

Take an egg.  Put it in cold water.  Boil.  Let boil three minutes then cool under running water.  Crack that sucker all over with the back of a spoon.  Put it back in the water.

Now add:

3/4 c Soy

2 star anise

1 cinnamon stick

2 teabags of black tea

2 tsp sugar

2 tsp szechuan peppercorns

Simmer cracked eggs for 40 minutes, remove from heat, and cool.  Then steep them for 5 hours or overnight before peeling and you should get something like these here.  I had no orange peel, more’s the pity.

****

Show me this and I’ll show you a guy who doesn’t get out nearly enough and seriously needs a date.  This sort of behavior should be reserved for married men whose lives are over or men who have sown plenty enough wild oats.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding?  I’m just envious.  I could do without the stupid trance music so many you-tubers tend to lay in their soundtracks but oh well.

Read Full Post »