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Archive for May 14th, 2011

Note:  if you posted a comment in the last few days and it “went away” it’s probably because in just a few short days I got 750 spam e:mails and had to just destroy the whole lot of them because it was taking forever to wade through them.  WordPress only allows you to see 20 at a time, tag for deletion, request deletion of tagged items, then refresh the screen.  My apologies, but I did not want to wade through that.

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Police raid home with what they claim are hallucinogenic mushrooms, lawyer says they are shitakes.

Read the story.

Now, I see the court proceedings looking something like this.  No, I don’t care one whit for an actual court’s procedures.  This is what played out in my mind.

Judge Honorable P. Ness-Pump (JHPP):  Counsel, how does your client plead?

Tooth-Sharpening Attorney (TSA):  Your honor my client pleads not guilty.

JHPP:  Do you have any remarks you’d like to make?

TSA:  Well, your honor, the police allege that my client had psilocybin mushrooms growing in a lab…

JHPP:  The record should indicate that the lab was the defendant’s lab.

TSA:  Yes, well… the mushrooms were actually edible shitake mushrooms which were misidentified.  I myself am a self-taught amateur mycologist and can attest to their deliciousness and positively identify them.  You can trust me.

JHPP:  If that is the case, counsel, you should have no problem with dining on some for the court right now.

TSA:  I just ate a huge breakfast and I’m full.

JHPP:  It’s a small mushroom.  In fact you should be able to eat three of these delicacies.

TSA:  Well, I really shouldn’t.  They’re dry and I suffer from cotton-mouth.

JHPP:  I insist.  Bailiff could you bring the defendant’s counsel a glass of water, please?

TSA:  Your honor…

JHPP:  Ah-ah-ah-ah… bailiff would you please extract three of the largest mushrooms from that bag and give them to the defendant’s counsel?  Thank you.  You, eat.

TSA:  (muffled chewing and gagging noises)  Mmmm!  Tasty!  (retches in mouth, swallows it down)

JHPP:  Yes, I’ve heard that “shitakes” are quite exquisite.  More water?

TSA:  Mmmmph… (gulp)… yes, please.

JHPP:  We will sit here for 30 minutes and then adjourn for lunch.  For the next 30 minutes I have a re-election video that I would like your opinions on – think of it as a focus group.

[later, after lunch]

JHPP:  Counsel, did you have any coherent remarks to make about the case against your client?

TSA:  (staring off into space, nodding) Yes, your honor.  My client feels that to characterize his… uh… his shitake growing business as a “lab” is unfair and paints a negative picture.  After all, he was growing delicacy mushrooms in horse-shit in his basement.  Hardly qualifies as  a lab.  These two pictures, Exhibit A and Exhibit B are pictures of proper labs.

JHPP:  And would the defendant care to make a statement regarding the presence of marijuana in the shitake/horse-shit not-a-lab room?  Counsel… what is that in your left hand?

TSA:  (looking in right hand) Uh, nothing, just a pen.

JHPP:  No, I mean in your other left hand.  Is that… a roll of toilet paper?

TSA: (dreamily) Yeahhhhh, I was going to use some toilet paper and had to get another roll.  I did and before I used it the roll started breathing and it talked to me and smiled at me.  I couldn’t use it on my butt after taking a Mr. Grumpy, not once I knew it was alive.  It’s name is Sidney.  See the vibrant colors all over it?  Would you like to hold it?

JHPP:  Counsel, if you didn’t use that toilet paper after your Act of Elimination, what did you use?

TSA:  My socks!  Do you want to …

JHPP:  No, I do not.  What are your thoughts on those “shitake” mushrooms now, counsel?

TSA:  The ones dancing on your bench or the ones in the bag that are screaming?

JHPP:  Let the record show that the mushrooms are not “shitake”.   Now, counsel, anything to add to your contention that the “home brewed beer” is just that?

TSA:  No, your honor.  Simply a good stout home-brew.  It’s a dark-brown liquid, yes, but just an unfiltered home-brew.

JHPP:  Bailiff, would you be so kind as to offer the counsel a refreshing glass of that “beer”?

TSA:  If you insist.  (winces)  Wow, it smells like… ugh … with all  due respect to my client it can’t be very good beer.  And the mushrooms are telling me to definitely not drink it.   **nods enthusiastically**  So I can’t.

JHPP:  No, I insist.  Drink up so we can get this over with.

TSA:  (whimpering) But… the shrooms and Sidney are telling me not to… okay… (gags) Ew.  It tastes like brackish pond water where bad frogs lived and died.  I think I see frog ghosts swimming in it now.

JHPP:  Counsel.  I ask you to tell me true – is that a home brew?

TSA:  (gasping) Yes!  Yes it is!

JHPP:  Bailiff, pour him another…

TSA:  (listening to mushroom whispering into his ear)  NO!  NO!  Your honor in light of recent evidence this is absolutely beyond a doubt bong water and not a home brew.

JHPP:   The DA  has members of the DEA and local police present to provide more facts.   (Bailiff whispers in judge’s ear)  Errrm.  In light of the fact that the DEA agents are currently going to pick up three loaded pizzas and the local police are holed up in a janitorial closet fighting off bagpipe-playing glowing aliens we’re going to have to adjourn for the day.  Let’s do some more fact-finding tomorrow.  This should be fun.

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I feel very small and insignificant right now.

Ok, I’m over it now.  Ego grew back bigger than ever.

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I may be wrong but I think Lady GaGa stole my penis award design for her shoes.

The award given to Soylent Green.

Lady GaGa's Penis shoes.

Come on, you gotta admit the similarity is awfully striking.  Coincidence?

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Found this to be funny.

Yi Zhao, a professor/coordinator of graduate programs for the Department of Aerospace Engineering, said it’s not unusual for a student to spend five or more years to complete just a bachelor’s in aerospace engineering, which he said is a “very challenging discipline, particularly for a female student.”

It will piss Cruel Wife off very seriously when she reads it.  The thought that a guy would think a woman would have a harder time with the program will infuriate her.

The truth bothers her sometimes.

Note:  Cruel Wife is a scientist, so this really is fun to do.   (going to go poke  a bear with a stick now)

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Detroit’s finest, on both sides of the equation.  Detroit Cop Takes an “Oral Statement” from Transvestite Hooker in His Patrol Car.  Suspended with pay.

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