The Teeming Masses are Always Right.

Update:  I need one.  Badly.  A ginormous gummy-worm.

I’m also contemplating my favorite way to make a batch of ferrofluid.  Do I want to do it the smart way or would I prefer to do it quick and dirty?

Yes, I’m painfully bored.  I’ve been talking to the cats.  Been talking to plants (and we don’t even have any in the house).  Haven’t felt the need to talk to people yet, thank goodness.

****

I really like Penny Arcade. It ranks up there with XKCD.

This morning, well, 20 hours ago, I stumbled across the dialogue below. Obviously I was late to the party.

There’s other coverage of this event but what it boils down to is an incredibly amazing asshole of a bully (at Ocean Marketing) treating someone like shit merely because he can, and then the guy gets all “can’t we just be friends?” when he realizes that he’s about to have his head served to him on a platter. This, my friends, is Capitalism as it should be. Where yes, if you treat others like crap the community at large may very well rise up as one with pitchforks and firebrands and smite you silly and crush your business.

Note: Cruel Wife was correct to point out that I should be clearer there – Christoforo going down in flames is awesome. Him taking down the controller company he represented, not so awesome. The controller people were not making ship dates which is poor business but it’s not malicious. Fact is, however, you can have the best product in the world and if you can’t deliver on time it’s the same as if you didn’t even have the product.
I would also add that since this all went sideways, people have been troll-crapping on them in the Amazon reviews and it’s a bunch of vicious little children. Hopefully Amazon will wipe that slate clean for them.

So then just a few minutes ago I found the comic below which kind of paints the scene after this guy’s world has burned down to the ground. Ok, from here on out, go directly to Penny Arcade – go there daily. I’m just priming the pump.

Oh, also at the very end there was this soul-searching, wondering if maybe by clamping down on the bully he wasn’t being a bully himself.  Nope.  Bullies do what they do because they enjoy hurting others.  Morally flexible guardian angels enjoy hurting those who enjoy hurting others.  I am of that group, and there’s a huge difference.

http://penny-arcade.com/resources/real-talk.html (love the Grinch grin in panel #1)

****

Found at Penny Arcade…

I got an incredible email today from a Penny Arcade reader. Dave shared with me an email chain between him and Ocean Marketing (the folks behind the Avenger controller) Trust me when I tell you that this is one wild ride. I’m serious, Mr. Toad would look at this ride and just give a slow clap while shaking his head. I have tried to arrange this as best I can in chronological order. I’ve also removed email addresses and other private information. So let’s just jump right in, here is Dave’s first mail to Ocean Marketing:

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 16, 2011, at 1:34 PM

I ordered 2 of the upcoming PS3 controllers (invoice xxxxxxxxx—Nov 3, 2011). Any chance of getting an update of when these items will ship? I’m not really happy about being forced to pay upfront then have the advertised date of “Early December” be completely missed without any sort of update on availability. I really need one of them for a X-mas present as well. Anyways, looking forward to finally using one of these bad boys. Thanks and happy holidays.

-Dave

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 16, 2011 2:45 PM

Dec 17

– Paul Christoforo

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 19, 2011, at 11:02 AM

Thanks for the reply Paul. Can you clarify whether my particular order already sent or if Dec 17 was the first day shipments went out? I have not received any sort of shipping confirmation email or tracking information.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 19, 2011 11:21 AM

They still haven’t shipped yet on the way here from china

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 20, 2011 4:29 PM

So then delivery to customer doors by December 24th is no longer likely correct? Do you have an estimated date of when units will arrive in California? Thanks.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 20, 2011 5:11 PM

They are in the USA now in customs so its wither before or after Christmas.

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011, at 9:47 AM

I noticed the updated info on the webpage, and I don’t understand why there is absolutely no benefit given to those like me who have already ordered, and paid their money. You’ve had my money interest free for nearly two months, yet now ANY new order will get $10 off….meaning I should just cancel my order for 2 controllers, get my money back, then re-order.

My other questions is regarding item compatibility. Ocean Marketing seems to be involved with the Xtendplay controller holder, so I was wondering if the Avenger N-Controller can be used in conjunction with the Xtendplay (for both Xbox and PS3)? Thanks

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 26, 2011 10:14 AM

Yes it can be used with xtend play if you remove the stand and no one is allowed to cancel and re order if we catch anyone doing it we will simply just cancel your order all together and you can buy it retail somewhere else.

Things happen in manufacturing if your unhappy you have 7 days from the day your item ships for a refund. You placed a pre order just like any software title the gets a date moved due to the tweaks and bugs not being worked out and GameStop or any other place holds your cash and im sure you don’t complain to activision or epic games so put on your big boy hat and wait it out like everyone else. The benefit is a token of our appreaciation for everyone no one is special including you or any first time buyer . Feel free to cancel we need the units were back ordered 11,000 units so your 2 will be gone fast. Maybe I’ll put them on eBay for 150.00 myself. Have a good day Dan.

At this point Dave is (I think) understandably frustrated. His next email is sent to me as well as Kotaku and a few other news sites.

-Gabe

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 12:11 PM

Then cancel my order if you want to. I’m making a legitimate complaint about your poor communication and you’re the one stooping to childish levels, a patronizing attitude, and threats. Hell you can’t even get the spelling of my name right.

And Gamespot pre-orders…wow what a terrible comparison. Retailers take a couple dollars IF THAT for you to guarantee your game availability on the release date, whatever that is. That’s the understanding and that’s what you get. Plus, I don’t have to complain to Activision or Epic games about these issues because they’re usually not missing the street dates for their AAA titles.

Now let’s take YOUR situation:
1) You’ve promised a new product based off the design for an existing, working product
2) For the longest time, you’ve stated on your website (your failure to update regularly is another issue) the initial/special/limited batch of your new product by early December, obviously in time for the all-important holiday gift-giving season. I and thousands of other customers GIVE YOU OUR MONEY, INTEREST FREE on the promises you made online.
3) I reach out to you, on Dec 16 (AFTER you have FAILED TO MEET YOUR ADVERTISED DEADLINE AND FAILED TO COMMUNICATE TO ANYONE WHAT THE SITUATION IS) obviously a little frustrated but more curious about when I and other customers can expect the product we paid for.
4) Your reply to me is a cryptic “Dec 17” with absolutely no explanation of what that means. In the mean time you having been using funds from pre-paid customers to complete Research & Development, product redesigns, and manufacturing mis-steps.
5) You force me to follow-up with an email asking for clarification about what “Dec 17” means since the day has passed and I have yet to receive any new information about my order. Now you instead of ANSWERING MY QUESTION OF WHAT THE NEW DELIVERY DATE IS, you tell me the goods have yet to leave China… Why are you telling me this? I’m not your employee I’m your goddamn customer! TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANS IN TERMS OF MY TIME AND WHEN I CAN EXPECT MY PRODUCT I PAID FOR.
6) So great…I have to email you AGAIN trying to get a CLEAR answer from you whether a Dec 24th delivery date is possible and if not, what the new date is. Rinse & repeat: You give me an update of the delivery process (wow, thanks…you haven’t told me anything I don’t know about the order of international shipping procedures) but instead say “…so its wither before or after Christmas.” WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? GIVE ME A DATE!? One that you’re actually going to follow, because I already see “late Nov to early Dec”; “Dec 17”; and now “CHRISTMAS” in my rear-view mirror.
7) So I guess what’s left for me to do but just wait? Oh but what’s this, you’ve updated your website…Ok at least you’ve clarified the dates more, I can expect my controller my latest first week of January. But now as a “token of our appreciation” to all your “loyal customers” (you mean like customers who put up cash for you hold an use?) you’re giving a $10 coupon. Let me get this straight…so you held my money interest free for 2 months to help bring this product to market, and now some new customer can place an order and pay $10 less than what I paid? You have financially penalized me in two ways for being a “LOYAL CUSTOMER.”

I’m SURE you’re getting tons of other inquiries and I’m sure you’re not enjoying the fact that your product is not out when you wanted it to be. I and everyone else understands that “sh*t happens,” but if you want us to be understanding of that, then you need to keep us in the loop. You’ve already set yourself up for failure by making explicit promises that aren’t even “likely” given that the design and manufacturing are still be refined. Then you make sure you’re going to fail by actually taking all of our money, Not just a little bit….THE WHOLE F*CKIN BEEFALO. Why wouldn’t we trust that you’re going to deliver our merchandise on time? Besides…it’s based off an existing product so how hard can it be? Well as your youtube video shows, making any consumer device is hard and requires many iterations and improvements. But I’m not going to apologize for holding your feet to the fire. You created these expectations by acting like the release was already a done deal and by hiding the fact that it was faaaar from it.

I want my two n-controllers. I 1) PAID FOR THEM 2) WAITED 3) DEALT WITH YOUR UNHELPFUL ASS. I also didn’t want to feel like my trust and loyalty as a customer was being abused and then actually punished in comparison to other customers. But I guess we can’t have it all… so right now I’ll settle for getting my merchandise and hopefully never having to deal with you again. I’ve spent enough time writing this email which I hope you gain some insight from. If you actually do want to screw me over by not fulfilling my order, then I assure you be hearing more from me or people representing me.

You show a surprising lack of business polish for someone who’s quite established, AND an lack of awareness of your customer base: Hardcore gamers. We’re a demanding, vocal customer but the flip side is we’re loyal and eager to spend. It’s lucky for you that I really want this product because it seems really deliver on making the gaming experience more effective and enjoyable. Hell, I want to combine the aventer-controller with the xtend play to make the ugliest, most comfortable, most awesome controller ever. And I’ll still buy the xtend, so let that be a testament to your products, the rise above your poor representation.

-DAVE with a V

p.s. You look really douchy be having one youtube video complaining about the noise of traffic next to your home and then another video showing off your obnoxiously loud rice rocket (which is nice, I gotta hand it ya).

p.p.s. Welcome to the internet, bitch. That’s how I roll.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 26, 2011 2:19 PM

LOL Thanks for the Free PR I know the Editor N Chief of Kotaku , IGN , Engadget I’ll be meeting them at CES .The noise complaint was for people high up on the food chain in a corporate world of real estate you have no clue about. Thanks for the Rice Rocket Compliment too love me some motorcycle . Send that over to Engadget you look like a complete moron swearing and sending your customer service complaints to a magazine as if they will post it or even pay attention do you think you’re the first or the last what are they going to do demand us to tell you were your shipment is or ask for a refund on your behalf … Really … Welcome to the Internet ? Son Im 38 I wwebsite as on the internet when you were a sperm in your daddys balls and before it was the internet, thanks for the welcome to message wurd up. Grow up you look like a complete child bro. I Don’t have my controller so im gonna cry to the world … Really ?? Hey take that free time and do something more productive. All you had to do was check the like everyone else , people have inquired but you’re the douchiest of them all J

To all our pre-order customers looking for information on the status of their orders after a busy couple of months The PS3 Avengers are on their way from our Manufacturing plant overseas. We are aware that everyone is anticipating having their Avengers under their Christmas Tree and were doing our best to get these orders shipped out as fast as possible. We appreciate you as loyal customers and for supporting our company. Customers will start receiving their products this week before Christmas and After Christmas and into the New Year. As a token of our appreciation we are offering all our pre-order customers and new customers 10$ off your next order with us just enter Avenger1001 at Checkout. Thank you and Happy Holidays!

Oh and FYI When a street date gets pushed by a publisher on a video game you pre ordered do you cry to them too ?

You just got told bitch … welcome to the real internet check kotaku in 2 weeks when they are reviewing free PS3 Avengers we send them as well as G4 and all the other majors hell yeah , don’t forget to check Amazon, gamestop.com, play n trade , Myers , Frys and a ton of other local stores coming your way you think you speak for billions son your just a kid you speak for yourself no one cares what you think that’s why were growing and moving 20-50 thousand controllers a month. We do value our customers but sometimes we get children like you we just have to put you in the corner with your im stupid hat on. See you at CES , E3 , Pax East ….? Oh wait you have to ask mom and pa dukes your not an industry professional and you have no money on snap you just got told.

The Pax East comment gets my attention and I decide to engage. I tend to have a calming effect on these sorts of arguments.

-Gabe

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Dave, Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:45 PM

Holy shit this is unbelievable. Dave, if this guy has a booth at Pax east we will cancel it.

From: Dave
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:53 PM

Hey thanks Mike. It’s truly a shame because I think this device is great for gamers with disabilities and problems. I think of Child’s Play and if anyone’s gonna need greater accessibility when using complicated gamepads…it’s sick kids! Shit man, I’m really gonna feel bad if I think that sick children may somewhere down the line have fewer avenger controllers because I got into a pissing match with a sad old man. Please don’t cancel their booth on my account. As much as I hate this asshole, I still WANT his product and think it should be out there. GAH, I wish I was in a position to make a competing product to really stick it to guy.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:54 PM

Hey Mikey,

We’re not renting a booth at pax east this year , bigger and better shows to be at we got nothing from the show . Oh so you know this guy has sold over 500 thousand dollars of product in Dec and is my main distribution arm landing us in GameStop , fry’s , Myers , Best buy , Activision , MLG , play N trade and a lot more . Were in 6 countries and you’re not going to take my money for a booth that’s a crock I can guarantee I’ll get a booth if I want one money buys a lot and connections go even further. He’s a native Bostonian from Little Italy . Who are you again ?

Oh Teh Noes!

-Gabe

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:08 PM

I am mike krahulik, Pax is my show. Feel free to google me=) I can promise you that you will never have space at any future Pax event.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:33 PM

OK Mike whatever you say lol , are you sure hour not in Boston I spoke to the person who ran the show in Boston last year. If you let some little kid influence you over a pre order then we don’t want to be a your show ,Ill be on the floor anyway so come find me , I’m born and raised in Boston I know the people who run the city inside and out watch the way you talk to people you never know who they know it’s a small industry and everyone knows everyone. Your acting like a douchbag not that it matters pax east pax west , e3 , CES , Gamer Con , SSXW ,Comic Con, Germany I’m all over the place. If we want to be there we will be there with industry badges or with a booth you think I can’t team up with turtle beach , Callibur or Koy Christmas , I can’t get Kevin Kelly to pull some strings or G4 , Paul Eibler Ex CEO of take 2 , Rich Larocco Konami , Cliff Blizinski Epic who were working with on a gears version , Activision who were working with on a MW3 and Spider man Bundle , The Convention Center Owners themselves , Mayor of Boston come on Bud you run a show that’s all you do and lease a center in Cities you have no pull in its all about who you know not what you do. I’ll see space where ever I want , with who I want when I want and where I want so many ways around you and so many connections in this industry its silly. Anyway , I have no issue with you Sean Buckley Engadget, Scott Lowe IGN and the list goes on and on. Little kids unhappy with a PRE ORDER starting trouble and you email that to us , he’s a customer unless you’re his boyfriend then you should side with the company not the customer. Be Careful

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:40 PM

I do run Pax, but I also run a website called penny arcade. It’s kinda popular.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:41 PM

Love penny Arcade !!

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:42 PM

I’m glad you like it! You will be on it tomorrow:)

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:46 PM

Great !! Love PR

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:46 PM

Mike I’m not trying to fight with you I’m really not , you should give me the benefit of the doubt before judging over one person’s bitching . Did I feed into his emails a little bit too much yeah ok . But it’s one person dude for real. No disrespect intended for you , My name is good in this industry and I know a lot of people. I’ll be at CES are you going ?

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:47 PM

Please remove me from this mailing list

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:57 PM

Your spamming me you’re not on a mailing list you idiot ! You sent me an email remember . Make sure you stir up a lot of controversy about us the more the better we needed some drama gets good blood flow going about the new product launch . Your sites amateur at best my son could put together a better site than yours and you run PAX ?? Wow , Ill put my marketing team on a smear campaign of you and your site and your emails , I have about 125 dedicated people to run PR , Blogs , Articles , Videos you have no clue who I am . Thanks again

I can’t wait for the Penny Arcade smear campaign!

Oh and I’ll just leave this here:

-Gabe out

info@avengercontroller.com
Ocean Marketing Paul Christoforo on Twitter – @OceanMarketting

an update

Gabe

@cwgabriel

Tuesday, December 27 2011 – 4:05 PM

• SHARE ON TWITTER
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I just wanted to post an update with some of the stuff that has happened over on my end with regards to all this Ocean Marketing stuff.

Around midnight last night Paul sent me a mail saying that I could expect to hear from their attorneys. As of right now that still has not happened and honestly I don’t expect it will. Our attorneys (who are real people with an office and everything) are ready should it get to that point though.

At 7:12am this morning I got another mail from Paul. It was one line and simply said:

“You have the power Mike Please make it stop”

The reality is that once I had posted the emails I didn’t have the power anymore. The Internet had it now and nothing I said or did was going to change that.

An hour later I got a more complete apology:

Hey Mike,

I just wanted to apologize for the way our emails progressed I didn’t know how big your site was and I really didn’t believe you ran Pax , So for what’s its worth I am very sorry. Your post has obviously made my life very difficult and I have not slept yet dealing with all the spam and personal information intrusion as well as my family being smeared on the internet.

If you can please accept my apology and anything you can do to help if not me my son and wife please do. I have apologized to Dave and apologized to you what else can I do please tell me so I can make things good. I obviously care or I would not be emailing you.

I think there is a big difference between being sorry and being sorry you got caught. I have a real problem with bullies. I spent my childhood moving from school to school and I got made fun of everyplace I landed. I feel like Paul is a bully and maybe that’s why I have no sympathy here. Someday every bully meets and even bigger bully and maybe that’s me in this case. It’s the same thing that happened with Jack Thompson. It might not always make the most business sense and it is a policy that has caused us some legal problems, but I really don’t give a shit about that. When these assholes threaten me or Penny Arcade I just laugh. I will personally burn everything I’ve made to the fucking ground if I think I can catch them in the flames.

-Gabe out

Read Full Post »

There a Name for What is Wrong with You?

Meet Jack.  Jack was curious, probably because he’s a cat.  Here, he was observing me as I was giggling and wrapping the handle of my tactical tomahawk with friction tape.

No, that’s not a euphemism for something sordid and nasty.

He’s such a calm cat that he sat there patiently as I scrambled for my camera.  He said –

Don’t worry, I’ll sit here while you get set up.  No trouble.  But was wondering, and you don’t have to answer the question if you don’t want to, but… what exactly is wrong with you?  Is there a name for it?  Perhaps a support group you could get in with?  Would some exercise help?  No, I know you are bored, and I know that you’re a stone’s throw away from stepping over the border from Reality into the Land of the Cuckoos, and I know that you are itching to get rid of your Precious-es, but have you thought about trying…  something different?  Talk to me.  I’m sure it will help.

He’s a smart cat.  Too smart.  He has tipped his paw and I now see him for what he is.  He is not a pretty cuddly house-feline who cares for me.  He is actually wanted to push me over the edge so the house is his.  Oh, I know these things… I KNOW.  He just wants me to start talking to him so someone will see me talking to him and they’ll judge me because of that when they don’t even realize that he can talk and that he’s not the innocent thing he appears to be.   Believe me.  I know.

Jack gets much bigger when you click on him.

Enough about the damn cat already.

As you’ve probably guessed I am nuts about helicopters.  Wanted to be a pilot when I was growing up but I had to face the fact that a substantial hearing loss closes doors when it comes to becoming a pilot.  Oh well.  I’ll get my kicks some other way.

Santa brought me a stocking stuffer for Christmas morning (bless her heart).  It’s laser-cut shimstock and you pop the pieces out and insert/bend tabs to put it together.  I’m experiencing a flare-up of my decision-making disorder, trying to decide which to build first – this helicopter or the dual trebuchet kit.   Oh the humanity.

Read Full Post »

Ahhhh, Christmas.

Yes, you could say “Well, geez, Lemur, Christmas isn’t about gifts”, and you’d be right.

But doggone it, this year I’m going to have to ask you to go sit in the garage and spout off there because I’m not interested in hearing the whine of someone moralizing in my face this year.

For the first Christmas in four years I was not wishing I could be somewhere quiet and lying down.  No, I wasn’t pain free, but pain wasn’t overshadowing the entire evening except for a few twinges here and there.  I took pictures, I laughed, I watched, enjoyed the kids’ grins and giggles, and had fun.

I got my Christmas present – a fixed neck.  The other stuff was good but this was better even than the butter on the corn, the icing on the cake, the gravy on the mashed potatoes.  Nothing is better than physically/mentally/emotionally being invited to the dinner in the first place.

Ok, enough metaphor.

Note:  Stay with this post long enough to read where my wife gives me a weapon for Christmas.  We are an atypical couple – she gave me a tanto for our anniversary one year, so don’t be surprised at what you read further down.

Here’s Jilly-boo, my imprinted/bonded cat, to give you a wonderful Christmas Kitty Stare.  Which reminds me, we have now had Jack and Jill – sibling felines – for exactly one year as of Christmas Eve, and boy am I glad the family railroaded me into taking both of them.

What else could a guy want?

Glad you asked.

Ladies, if you want your husband to be truly happy, and you want him to be able to defend house and home against intruders of all types (even zombies), then get him a tactical tomahawk.

Or get him a Jericho/Baby Desert Eagle -OR- a Springfield XD .40  -OR- a Glock 29 10mm.

Several months ago I had seen a SOG Tactical Tomohawk online and said “Oooh, look at that.  I’ve wanted one of those for a while.”

A week later I was flipping through a magazine and said “Hey, you know, if you were wondering what to get me, how about a tactical tomahawk?”

She looked at me and laughed.  Laughed right in my face.  She said “Oh yeah, right ‘Here you go honey’… do you really think that’s the thing to give daddy for a Christmas present?  What are the kids going to think?”

Nothing like a good heel-stomp to the soul and a rapier-sharp remark to the heart to sober one right up, and so, resigned to being a real life “Married with Children” Al Bundy, I stared at Peg… I mean Cruel Wife (sorry)… and I gave up on the idea.  I shuffled away with that idea lying on the ground and shriveling up, just like my testicles.

I figured I’d save up my money on my own and get it some day.

I opened one present from her, and it was Pixar’s DVD of their short stories.

The second gift was a pair of RC fighting helicopters.  Not the true swash-plate kind because on a smaller RC copter they can be fairly fragile, but instead uses coaxial props that perform yaw motion by adjusting prop velocity of one relative to the other.

This is really quite good since I’ll probably be training the kids and Cruel Wife how to fly them and a robust training helicopter is a working training helicopter.  Two helicopters, beefed up a bit, and sporting IR “guns” that can shoot the enemy helicopter.  Whoever is the first to get hit three times has their chopper slowly shut down and return to ground.  There is absolutely no way that gift could fail to please me.  None.  When it comes to helicopters I am all over that.  Here’s what they look like…

Someday I will get one with true swash-plate/cyclic hardware because this will allow true rotor tilt (sideways motion).  You can do things with them that you can’t do with the fixed co-axial rotors – pirouette and strafing are the simplest examples but there is also this half-pipe maneuver that works well, too.

I also got two trebuchets, working models, that you can set up in the house and launch stones across the room at the enemy’s castle.  So now the kids and I can have battles.  See them online here:  http://www.facebook.com/siegetoys

Lastly there was a large box with a smaller container on the top.  I opened up the top one and it was some sort of strap/wrap stuff.  Totally stymied, I opened up the larger box and saw …

But first, Ladies, let me say this… Nothing, and I mean NOTHING says “I wuv oo” quite like a wife giving her husband a tactical tomahawk.  NOTHING.  I guarantee your man will ooze testosterone at the same time his knees turn watery and he has this orgasmic out-of-body-experience (OOOBE).

I was shocked.  I stared at the Lagana TT and blinked several times.  I was speechless and caught in the biggest OOOBE of my life.  Bigger pic if you click it.

My tomohawk, Sioux Me.

She told me that she had ordered the tomahawk just days before I had mentioned it for the second time in my whinging sniveling little Eric Cartman voice.

Cruel Wife is sneaky, but I don’t care because I’m so happy.

Why do I like the tomahawk?  Let’s save that for a future posting.  It’s Christmas, you know.  But you can bet that zombies come into play… and bad guys.

That is what Forgiveness sounds like… screaming, and then silence.  –  Carl the Llama

Cruel Wife says she is going to have to work extra hard for ideas on what to get me next Christmas because she is all out of ideas.  Apparently I am hard to shop for.  I keep telling her, I’m quite simple really, and don’t have all that many needs or wants… that she can afford, anyway.  (Next year – glass-carving setup)   But really, once a guy has a tactical fountain pen and a tactical tomahawk what more does he really need?

Yes, I own one. Yes, I use it. A lot. Every single day.

What did I get her?

Years ago while on a month-long data collection in Huntsville (Redstone Arsenal), I got her an Alabama Dirt Shirt.  That is to say, a shirt, from Alabama that uses red Alabama dirt (aka “mud”) to stain the shirt.  Amazingly that shirt has held it’s color for twelve years.  So I got her two more.  And she wanted new silverware and new dishes.  And I got her a ridiculously difficult-to-find Lego Pet Shop model to put together.

I went out and took some pics after the kids went down.  Near here is a road where they put out luminaries every Christmas Eve. Pic gets bigger if you click on it.

Merry Christmas to you all.  May God give you the happiness, time with family, and peaceful Christmas I had.  The presents were secondary, truly.

Read Full Post »

Boredomhouse Rules.

I am going stir crazy.  It’s not my fault.

I did have 20-30 minutes of distraction thanks to DPUD.  Fun with Zombies.  The game is highly addictive but too short in my opinion.

But there are the problems that you can’t get around during your enforced healing period, such as…

Limited by a 4lb lifting limit.

• One must wait until the family swigs from the jug until a half gallon
• One becomes dependent upon one’s children
• Cats are too heavy to pick up and pet
• Step out of line just one time and try to pick up a cat (or swat one with a t-shirt as it sprays the children’s bedroom door) and you will pay for it, oh Lord, how you will pay
• Woodworking is out because wood is too heavy and besides, you are…

Drugged.

• Telling time is difficult – even with a digital clock
• Things you don’t realize you said before are repeated
• Energy level is low
• Things you don’t realize you said before are repeated
• Accidentally stabbing yourself with a fork or impalement on a toothbrush are real concerns
• Timing things like blogging around painkiller-induced-naps is a hasslllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
• Assuming you have more energy than a lizard on a warm rock, you must still face the fact that your…

Creative impulse is blunted.

• You try writing a story or doing art with a chemical lobotomy
• Even with the desire and the idea the desire dries up rapidly and with even a tiny setback.  What?  I have to save my work again?
• When things like “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog” seem worthy of being considered classical literature, you have no chance of coming up with anything original
• Ideas that don’t stink like rotting fish are elusive and you can’t prime the pump because you…

Cannot go anywhere.

• Driving under the influence of narcotics is dangrous because you kepe making misteaks
• People aren’t available to be your chauffeur because there aren’t any Occupy idiots with loads of free time on their hands and have a valid license and are not as drugged up as yourself – or worse.  All the people that could drive me (read:  have a vehicle or that I trust with my vehicle) have jobs
• As a poor substitute for getting out, you channel surf for ideas, which is  a dead end because…

Daytime TV sucks ass.  Night-time, too.

• Yes, the re-runs of Scooby Doo, The Best of the Partridge Family, $100,000 Pyramid, and Cagney and Lacey suck ass
• Ditto for Home Shopping Network, the Green Channel, and the Weather Channel Propaganda Roundup
• And you swear, if you have to hear Judge Judy look at a plaintiff witih jaundiced eyes one more time you’ll set fire to your TV.

Is anyone else familiar with the notion that maybe, just maybe, surgery and narcotics flip your circadian rhythm around so night is day and day is night?  Well, it’s what I’ve experienced.  I fall asleep at 7am and wake up around 1pm only to want to sleep from 4-5pm for a few more hours.  It might not be obvious but this serves to cut you off from the world even more.

****

I did find a Blender render I did a few years back.  Had fun with it.  Hell, I’ll post it for grins. I think clicking on it makes it bigger.  Give it a shot.

****

During one of the intense states of boredom I’ve experienced, I was looking at mind-mapping again.  Go check out iThoughts or SimpleMind.  It’s pretty cool to do what you do on a pad of paper anyway – and – you can rearrange it easily, add notes, add hyperlinks, etc.

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Mix-n-Match Dat.

I suppose one could say that since it is consensual then it is ok but I still find this to be one small step away from inc3st, b3astiality, and dwarf pr0n in terms of repulsive behavior.

Dutch broadcaster to air cannibalism.

****

Aw hell, folks, it’s Grab Ass Tuesday.  Technically it is Wednesday as I post this, but I don’t give a rat’s patootie.

Here’s a joke to warm your heart.  I am told by Cruel Wife that if I ever do this I’m dead meat.

A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve, and the place was packed. Walking through the crowded mall the wife suddenly looks up and notices her husband is no where in sight. They have so much to do in such a short amount of time, that this really pisses her off. She grabs her cellphone to call him and ask him where the hell he is.

The husband answers in a calm voice says, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace but we were so broke that we could not afford it, and I told you not to worry, that one day I’d be able to buy it for you?”

She is so touched she begins to cry…”Yes-I remember that jewelry store.”

He said, “Well I’m in the bar right next to it.”

****

Sent to me by a friend of my Dad’s – Salty Nutter – don’t know where he got it.

Yeah, I shot jerky out my nose when I saw it, too.

****

My kitty, Jilly-Boo/Jill/Jillbert (pick one), has been as cute as a kitty can be since I got home from the hospital.  I think she realizes that life is fleeting and moments are precious, that relationships are what really matter.  It’s scritches that make the world purr, dammit.   Pictures get bigger if you click on them.

Jilly-Kitty in Occupy Lemur’s Drawers

Jilly-Boo looking very Cougar-like in Occupy Lemur’s Spare Bedding Foam

Lemur King’s healing neck.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, I’m pasty-white.

The neck pic… bottom middle is where they hacked out part of my sternum to use in my neck fusion.  A faint “V” to the left of it 2-1/2″ and up 1-1/2″ (“V” pointing to 10 o’clock) is where the drain tube was.  The dark line is where they hacked in using something very similar to Aggie Sith’s Zombie-Killing Machete.

Swallowing is still a chore.  Hurts still but when medicated the hurt is less than what I experienced all day every day prior to the surgery.  I’ve got no complaints.

I even have more strength back.  Before, when I tried to open a bag of tortillas I did not have enough strength in my thumbs and forefingers to open the ziploc bag and ended up cutting the zip-tops off of every bag I came across.  Cruel Wife thought I was being an ass but I figured better to let her think I was an ass than to worry her with things like that.

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Kim Jong Ill is dead. Who is hungry?

Yeah, go look it up. I’m not going to bother regurgitating the big news orgs’ stuff on it.

Sad. Pity.

We will see how tight insanity can be woven into the fabric of a society. Whether it can continue to feed itself after the current main vine has died.

Yep, what a pity.

Who is hungry?

How about a baked cheese and kimchi dip?

Kimchi Dip

It is all I got. Glad the little f*ck is dead.

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Quizzicality.

I am still not quite up to snuff.  It’s nothing bad, I am just taking less painkillers by pure choice and feeling the effects of post-surgery more.

I’m told to stop doing this as being all tensed up and such makes it take that much longer to heal but dammit I’m sick and tired of being drugged.  I know people pay good money for that but I value my brain.

Don’t you worry, I give in when I’ve got no other choice.  I’m a control freak.  What do you want to hear?

I did get out with Cruel Wife and toured her company.

Some roads around Detroit are better than I remember.  Some still suck ass, and those range from feeling like the cobblestones at the end of the Tour de France to feeling like a Hare Scramble in Baja, Mexico.

Slice it any way you like, Detroit roads are hell on neck fusions and it is a LONG drive.  On the ride out there I tensed up, gritted my teeth, made sudden hissing noises.  Sensing that it would be better to distract Cruel Wife and myself from these sounds and thoughts, I struck up a conversation.

LK:  Hey.

CW: What?

LK:  When I meet your new boss, can I screw with his head?

CW:  No.

LK:  Can I subtly push him off balance?

CW:  No.

LK:  Can I plant the seeds for screwing with his head the next time I meet him?

CW:  NO!  No no no no – NO.  Leave him alone.  Wait until you and I both know him better.

LK:  (Pouting)  Man, I enjoy messing with people’s heads.

CW:  I know you do, and so does he in an overt way.  You like to do it stealthily so they don’t get it at first…

LK:  And then, reveal it to them when it will have maximal impact.  Yes.  Yes, I do. 

LK:  (Pause while thinking about it.)  Huh huh huh.

(That’s the laugh women can’t do because they don’t have the right equipment.)

CW:  No, you cannot mess with his head.  Leave him alone.

Sensing it would be better to go back to tensing up, gritting my teeth, and making sudden hissing noises I started doing so.

About 30 long minutes later we had dim-sum with her boss and co-workers.  It was great.  I waddled out of there totally stuffed, loosened the neck brace a few buttons, steadied myself mightily with my walking stick, and we set off for the rest of the day.

Went by her company and got to see all the cool lab testing equipment and this one thing called a magnaflux.

You spray the part you want to look at with this solvent containing a crapload of colloidal magnetic particles.  Then you put the test part in this giant hoop and put a 2000A-5000A pulse through it with a *BANG*.  The part jumps (presumably to let you know that it is fully cooked) and then when you look at it under a black light you can see fluorescing cracks where the particles are aligned with the induced B-field.  It’s really quite cool.   It helps greatly if you believe in electrons when explaining the large-current part but if we just assume that the magnetic field was let out of a bottle of magnetism† then everyone walks away happy.

† Yes, I believe in electrons.  I just can’t see them so they kind of piss me off.  What can I say?  I was attacked by a clown as a child and my dad was an electrician, opening me up for getting the feces zapped out of me a few times.  The evil clown probably isn’t relevant but I thought I’d throw it in there.  Dad argued that it was my fault (sure, blame the victim) and I pointed my unburned fingers at the electrons which unsurprisingly didn’t show themselves any more, acting all innocent-ey.

Oh, the quiz part… Are you scientifically literate?

I got a 92% (missed 4).  I don’t feel too badly about it because the ones I missed had to do with planetary moons around gas giants (why clutter my brain with useless stuff that I can always go look up?), the whole “Pluto isn’t a planet” idiocy (like I give a sh*t), heaviest noble gas of which I never once used for anything (I’m partial to Helium, Xenon, Argon, Krypton, thank you), and one on cellular growth.   I have nothing to be ashamed of.

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Someone Hold Me – I’m Scairt.

That someone had to even waste the breath to say this scares me so much that I get anxiety attacks.

Hell, Republicans are doing everything possible to help Obama win.

The fact that no one has beaten the everloving stuffing out of Donald Trump is great support for my argument.

Why the RNC isn’t vetting candidates as hard or harder than the Democrats stymies me.  Look at all the effort wasted on people like Cain.  Cain looked all right, but it wasn’t until accusations piled up hip deep that it was obvious that the man was so devoid of common sense that he’d even try to run with skeletons and even still-warm bodies in his closet.

All of the wasted effort and slashing of the frontrunners by the laggers – here’s what’s happening:

In 2012, there is going to be an election which is very similar to the world heavyweight boxing title.

In preparation for it, all the Republican hopefuls are going to engage in razor fighting and everyone assumes that if they are going down their situation can be saved with a kamikaze razor.

People like Trump who duck in the melee now and then to shoot front-runners in the ass with stuff ranging from sedatives to paralytics to gasoline is the new millennium’s answer to Ross Perot.

Sniping the leader  rather than weeding out the weak DOES NOT MAKE FOR WINNING AN ELECTION.  Natural selection results in stronger individuals when you let the carnivores eat the weak.  If you kill off the strongest so only the weakest can take each other down then when it comes to the primary a choice between weaker candidates is all that is left.

Dick Morris is no dummy.  If he’s expending the breath to say Ron Paul would be a win for Obama worries me.  The implication is that that Mittens or Newt, neither of which are good solid electable Presidential material, could slash each other to the point where they bleed to death, or some idiot could attack the better of the two so they can attack the weaker…

Don’t get me wrong – I think every last Republican in the field is better than Obama… every… single… one… but I also think that we’re treading into the waters of unelectability with Mittens and Gingrich, and Ron Paul… if we get Paul, hell, let’s just not even bother with the election, okay?

****

Found over on Weasel Zippers.  It makes me ashamed that I was born and raised in Orygun, even though I am one of perhaps six folks to come from there that are conservative.

Occupy Portland Mom Places 4-Year-Old Daughter On Train Tracks During Protest To Shut Down Port of Portland…

****

It’s economics writers like this one that really really piss me off.

The real dirty little secret of the American economy is that we are doing OK.

Sure, if you’re a bigger company and can get a loan, or if you’re not locked in one place because your house is so far underwater that you’ve got fish spawning in your attic insulation, or if you felt comfortable splurging now and then (even though you’re far from it), or if you felt like there’s nothing really that says something can’t come right along and wipe out a huge number of businesses w/o working up much of a sweat.

We are NOT doing OK.  We are pursuing the practice of spending beyond our means with a very shaky economy with high unemployment.  That is not ok, it has never been ok, and will never BE ok by any definition written by someone who isn’t smoking crack cocaine.

In its final statement before the end of the year, the Federal Reserve described the economy as “expanding moderately.” Almost all major statistics suggest that “moderately” may be an understatement. Manufacturing surveys such as those conducted by the Institute for Supply Management have been above 50 for months, which indicates growth. The same goes for service-sector surveys.

The overall economy as defined by GDP figures has been in the range of 2 percent, not great, but also not artificially inflated by too-easy credit, as was the case between 2004 and 2007. Incomes are flat or slightly down, but savings are up, which shows that the vast majority are living within their means and making solid choice about the lives.

Unemployment remains high, and structural, but also stagnant. Job gains are minimal, but so are job losses. And consumer sentiment, a fickle barometer, but indicative of moods and expectations, has been slowly creeping up against a tide of negative views about the U.S. and the world emanating from politics, Wall Street and the media.

But here’s the question – if all the statistics say that the economy is doing great, and every person out there has this awful gut feeling that things are anything but… please tell me how the economy is doing great.

The statement “consumer sentiment, a fickle barometer” is one of the most arrogant things to say.  Consumer sentiment is just fine, it is the idiots reading the tea leaves that contribute to the notion of ‘fickle barometer’.

Negative views about the US and the world emanating from politics, Wall Street, and the media ARE CORRECT.  Things are really quite dire.  So either the author is quibbling and saying nothing at all – OR – he is trying to say in a couched fashion that things are lookin’ good and it’ll be a sunny day tomorrow.   One is a waste of everyone’s time and the other is an “expert” who needs to start infusing analyses with reality.

****

It seems that some people would like excuses because they feel uncomfortable turning down a holiday drink.

How about “No, I would not care for a drink” and if that doesn’t work say “Why the f*ck do you care if I have a drink or not?  I don’t want one, and leave me alone about it.”    Is either one of those just too difficult to say?

They suggest that some of those below are acceptable, which if the people are so casual of acquaintances that you can use these (or if you care so little you can say you get really racist after a few drinks) why do you care what they think when you tell them “No” and fall back on “Piss off”?

“No thanks. I get really racist after a few drinks.”

“Before I accept, I should warn you I brought a guitar with me.”

“I love drinking, but it doesn’t half make me vomit.”

“Not for me, I have a flight to catch later on. No, I’m a pilot.”

“I know I don’t look it, but I’m only 15. It’s a long and deeply disturbing story.”

How about this instead?

“Only two of the violent assault convictions were ever provably due to alcohol and I’ve paid my debt to society, so… sure, why not?”

I’m sure you guys have got more…

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Civic Intelligence

Yeah, I hate quizzes online.  Usually sent to you by the same people that tell you if you don’t forward a message about a Pomeranian with testicles that can heal small girls with brain cancer to ten other people you will have cancer of the testicles within three weeks and if you are a woman you’ll grow some within two weeks and three weeks after that you’ll have testicular cancer.  And usually it means you don’t love others, too, I’ve found.  And the quiz generally tests you on how in tune you are with the Crocodile Repo Alley People of Jersey’s Oddest Shore or some weird-ass crap show like that.

But I was intrigued.  Intercollegiate Full Civic Literacy Exam.

If you use the full address to that link you get this message prior to the exam:

Full Civic Literacy Exam (from our 2008 survey)

Are you more knowledgeable than the average citizen? The average score for all 2,508 Americans taking the following test was 49%; college educators scored 55%. Can you do better? Questions were drawn from past ISI surveys, as well as other nationally recognized exams.

I got 80%.  Shame, oh the shame.  To be fair I actually intellectually did know the answers to three more but had my head up my ass when taking the quiz.

Alternatively if you use the shortest version of the http: address you get this:

American Civic Knowledge Survey

Both the ancient Greeks and Romans valued wise and public-spirited citizens. Let’s see just how wise you really are? Are you a Barbarian, Philosopher King, or something in-between?

Please be aware that by clicking on this shorter quiz’s answers at random I got 20% correct so if you get lower than that you really ought to feel pretty ashamed.

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That Takes Balls.

All right folks.  I may have done something not so smart Saturday night but it was because I felt so good I didn’t even think about it.  We have a hand-chopper (Blitzhacker) thing and I was chopping up pickles.  Six hits, light ones, with my right hand…. and bazinga.  Not sure what happened, probably nothing bad but it was kind of painful.  Intensely related to my neck.  Hurts other places.

Damn damn damn.

Anyway, this next snippet of story takes balls.  Castrating of lambs can be hazardous to your health.  Especially if you use your teeth.

****

So if you are sitting there in your back yard and the rich kid up on the hill is using his iPad helicopter to spy on your sister while she sunbathes and takes pictures of you doing … things… and then uses pictures of both for his own uses and shares them with the other neighbors…  do you give him back his iQuadcopter when it lands in your yard?

I think Iran is a bunch of slimy bastards but somehow Obama calling them up and telling them they *have* to give our stealth craft back… boy would I ever tell him to stuff it if I were in their shoes.

Iran is a bunch of douchebags that should be bombed the rest of the way back into the stone ages before they are actually able to strike Israel.   But at the same time I don’t blame them for saying to the US “Hey, thanks, free spy-plane!”

“We obviously believe strongly in a diplomatic approach. We want to see the Iranians engage and, as you know, we have attempted to bring about that engagement over the course of the last three-plus years. It has not proven effective, but we are not giving up on it,” [Secretary of State Hilary Clinton] said.

What isn’t said as loudly by the Obama administration:

Yeah, we’ve seen how lots of sucking up and bowing has really proven less effective in controlling the leaders of rogue nations and human-rights-trampling nations than we would have thought.   We really thought toadying up and acting all beta-male would be respected by these regimes and they would fall right in line with our new Metrosexual Alpha-Shemale approach – you know, the one President Obama keeps demonstrating time and time again?  It’s designed to make everyone think you’re alpha male without you ever having to be that way – it’s much safer, we think.

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A Thought Ran Screaming By – Phase Transformational Studies of Pan-Chimp Neoagressivism

A dripping-fangs friend of mine wondered not too long ago how it came to be that some things… came to be. He said:

LK, you read my mind again. I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked myself about – say – heroin: Who the fiddly-fuck said, “Hey! I’m gonna mix this opiate solution with some alkali stuff and take the precipitate, strain it, and shoot the clear juice into my arm vein this Saturday night for a good time!”

I rolled up my sleeves, put on my thinking cap and thought real hard about such matters and realized that Heroin, I’ve already had a suspicion about. Many stories would be similar to the bullshit I’m about to spout…

… and yes, it’s bullshit, just like when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, but let me run with it.

You look at laudanum, they made tinctures of all sorts of things, some good, some bad…. One day they discovered that wonderful little poppy just living it’s little poppy life in the wild and someone decided to load up a muffin because people were really hungry and tried everything at one time. Almost assuredly some Poor Bastard tried muffins topped with Nightshade when it was his turn to try things out, and so They assembled in short order and quietly and quickly crossed Nightshade off of the list of “Things We Might Eat On a Muffin Top”†.

So one of these guys ate a muffin that was 50% opium poppy, and/or didn’t pass a drug test, and/or saw God or Yahweh or whoever while simultaneously not feeling the lower half of his body and They gathered around and said “Why, this must be Something Special”.

The mechanism is clear:  A guy loaded up a muffin, got cataclysmically high, took some detailed notes, and They started making tinctures and reductions and powders, but the people that did it were knowledgeable people – edjumakated – and while they got addicted on a truly massive scale they generally did it safely enough that the addiction eventually killed them, not the preparation.

And one day, Joe Six-Meade-Pack was chumming-out-of-societal-class along with his rich friend because, even though they grew up in the sewers together, they had rapidly divergent lives beginning one day when one of them boffed the Queen’s maid’s brother’s barbers’ in-the-Convent-for-life sister and knocked her preggers and it Wouldn’t Do to have that Scandal so close to the Crown so the Royal family gave him a title and land – Duke of TumbleSnatch or some such thing… intending to buy his silence and extract future promises to spread no more wantonly sowed seed in the vicinity of the Crown unless called upon to do so by God and the Queen Herself.

Now, one day they’re chumming and Joe Six-Meade-Pack notices Sir Flounder, Duke of Tumblesnatch, doing a little bit of this and a bit of that to a mysterious preparation and then quickly – and expertly – jab a patented Very Expensive Hypodermic Device into his arm and sigh with the release normally only heard when 15 year old boys (coming around full circle, coincidentally) knock up some (S/s)ister other than their own.

So Joe consults with Flounder and learns the arcane arts of shooting drugs – the training of which, though having taken years on Sir Flounder’s part has been compressed into a 15 minute seminar touching on the most basic of things that Joe cannot hope to follow in the extensive detail that would imply that he understood things on a fundamental level causing Joe later to make up parts of the procedure from whole cloth while incorporating just enough of Sir Flounder’s wisdom to lend an air of legitimacy to the whole matter.

Now, don’t get hung up in the details – opium, laudanum, the date of the hypodermic, merits in the 1800’s of smoking vs. shooting drugs, etc., you KNOW that something similar is what has happened down through the ages – the conveyance of huge amounts of information from knowledgeable people to… complete and utter morons.

Some fellow, entirely “in the know”, pressed by an idiot friend who had no business attempting such things, lent his knowledge in sum or in part, and said knowledge was lost partially in translation, was embellished upon, got fucked up, misplaced, coffee-stained, used as a rag after a nooner with the cleaning lady or some ruminant animal, and was presented later as a very peculiar set of instructions claiming to do something amazing and succeeding only by virtue of not alarmingly killing enough people outright.

How else can one explain the prevalence and across-all-classes nature of meth cookery?  The things a wild chemist uses in the process are things that no sane or educated chemist would think of using, yet bathtub chemistry seems to work just enough of the time that the LD-50 dose (the lethal dose is determined by the contaminants) is above the tolerance level of most addicts and they get away with poisoning their customers slowly with toxic compounds.

Look up Krokodil sometime for a Tale of Failure so extreme that in comparison meth addicts by and large look like 1%-ers.

† However, shortly afterwards, They assembled in secrecy and quickly added Nightshade to the list of “Things We Might Add to some Inconvenient Bastard’s Soup”.

If you like the “Origins” idea, let me know.  I have more stories along these lines.

****

There are some Origins, however, that I cannot begin to understand.  Such as why a person would let themselves be injected in the weiner with silicone by someone unqualified off the street.

You would have to have some pretty substandard equipment to let yourself be treated by this person – yes, a picture of the actual creature that injected the poor dumb small dicked bastard.

She looks like a Sleestack from the  kids’ show in the 70’s, Land of the Lost.

****

For probably the first time ever, I agree with the punishment given my clerics in Saudi Arabia.

An official Saudi newspaper says a man convicted of raping his daughter has been sentenced to receive 2,080 lashes over the course of a 13-year prison term.

That’s roughly 3 lashes per week.  Juuuuust long enough to let him tenderly heal from the last ones before adding the new ones.

Ok, I’d sign off on it with one change.  ONE of the lashes has to be across the soles of his feet.

We don’t want to torture him, after all.

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A cut above…

Cruel Wife found our kitties, Jill and Jack, lying on my side of the bed on top of one of my shirts bestowing Catsmus blessings upon the Holy Chicken of Christmas while I was in the hospital.  High Priestess Cruel Wife delivered the HC^2 to the altar next to my bed.   Now, if you are squeamish, just be content with the kitties and do not scroll down.

Here I have been blessed with the HC^2’s Anointment of Anonymity.  Yes, that gash looks like something that Aggie of Sith would bestow using her Machete of Zombie Filleting +4.   Correction, that is what it would look like if Aggie used a machete and lots of Wound Sealant compound instead of sutures.  Apparently this doc is not a fan of catgut and rarely uses a knot where a squirt of something else will do.

Below is what the x-ray showed once the plate was installed.  Disc taken out, piece of my sternum popped in, and plate and screws from a door hinge from Lowe’s. (I asked that they use the Redneck Grab-bag Special rather than the fancy-schmancy Ti6Al4V golden-child formulations)

Yes.

My. Head.  Is.   Being.    Held.     On.      Using.       Two.         Screws.

I suspect that the vertical wire is for the longer-range antennae that is connected to the fish-hooks the government installed in my brain years ago.  Mind control.  It’s all about mind control.

I can’t even feel the piece of sternum that they stole.  Can’t feel the screws all that much.  Can feel the incision and the sore neck ligaments that got stretched out.

I have some problems swallowing, which puts a damper on my food intake, but that’s not such a bad thing.  I chew my food much more thoroughly and enjoy each bite more because taking a big huge swallow isn’t really all that much fun.

This morning the doc chastised me for babying my neck.  He said “Tip your head all the way to the right.   No, you can move it more than that.  Ok, now the left… uh huh… tip it all the way back…. forward now… more… more…”

I said “But… but… ok, the physical and occupational therapists came in and told me all these things that I have to do in a certain way, how to hold my head, how to move to get out of bed…”

He looks at me with this “I pity you” look and says “Who are you going to listen to?  Them or me?  Listen to ME.  I’ve done lots of these.  Your bones are more solid than 99% of the other people’s out there† – you have very strong bones.  You could get in a car accident and you’d be fine.  Don’t baby it.”

I shook his hand for like the tenth time today, able to feel his hand with all five fingers and said “Thanks Doc, really.”

† There is independent corroboration on the bone toughness thing.  Years ago when I had my arm mangled in the machine at the plywood plant the orthopedic surgeon (we’ll call her Dr. Frigide) had to enlist the help of a family friend, also a doctor (we’ll call him Doc Peter Relief).  Apparently they were having a horrible time getting the screws installed properly even with oversized holes in the arm bones.  Dr. Frigide wasn’t the largest gal in the world but she was a physical anomaly – she was a blackbody radiator hovering around 2-3K.  The room would drop by 10-15 degrees when she walked in.  She was straining to get them in my even a few turns and Doc PR was sweating profusely by the time the deed was done even with her there to cool things off.    They could only figure that years of lifting heavy weights and draining cows of their daily output (plus genetics) led to some strong bones and kept them from being shattered much worse than they were.   Osteoporosis is likely not going to be one of the things I’ll be afflicted with when I grow older.

I’ll have a more in-depth recounting of the day tomorrow.

Update:  Perhaps the fingers-sensation-free-of-tinglies tingly feeling that I was getting was a bit premature.  I suppose good days and bad days exist here, too.  But, there’s been no neck and arm pain still.  I’ve got no complaints there.

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Denny’s Breakfasts – And An Analysis Of Principle Components For Pattern Detection

Authors note: Although I stopped blogging many months ago, that didn’t mean that I stopped following the thoughts, lives, and adventures of my many internet friends still out there word-smithing away for their readers pleasure!

And like all of you wonderful readers and commenters at Lemur Kings Folly, I’ve felt great concern for our host and buddy regarding his neck issues and their impact on his life and family.

That LK has so often expressed his anxiety – not about himself,  but about how his infirmities might burden his family – is quite revealing. It reveals the man’s strength of character – the finest.

So I’ve tried to entertain him with the familiar, remind him of how bad it could be (or get) with my darkest imagination, and express my hopes for the eventual outcome. I hope he – and you – has giggles over this!

************************************************************

Franken-boy slowly lifted the trembling fork-load of Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-N-Fruity towards his mouth, seemingly unaware that he was being observed. The obnoxious little brat across the isle in the next booth was watching him – rapt – but Franken-boy’s focus was on the fork and its contents, and nothing else.

Just as the fork came within range of Franken-boy’s open and clearly desperate-for-food piehole, the large mouthful slipped off the fork (plop), then tumbled down the front of his shirt and under the table – never to be seen again.

Franken-boy silently watched this latest setback and his shoulders slumped realistically – all hope fading from his eyes. He knew now that he was going to starve.

The little brat couldn’t help but burst into loud, hysterical laughter at this magnificently executed pratfall, and was promptly, energetically, and repeatedly smacked by his mother, who’d had quite enough of the little shit by now.

Franken-boy looked up at his elderly companion with appropriately worshipful eyes and quietly but eagerly asked, “Was that right, Master? Did I do it right?”

The fanged and dripping mouth of Steamboat McGoo spat, “Yes. Yes, my young apprentice…soon your training will be complete…take these!” and he reached clawed and grizzled paws towards the doomed child. In them, He was holding a cane and a whoopee cushion.
********************************************************
“Nn…noooooo!!!”

Lemur King snapped back into consciousness, his neck awash in agony bright as chrome-reflected sunlight, his eyes feeling hot and rust-grained.

He hurt.

His body – laying in a miasma of his own sweaty leavings – contorted in a primal rejection of the imagery now fading from his fuzzy and confused minds eye.

Or, at least, LK tried to contort. He was strapped and fastened down to the surgical table by stout padded canvas belts and could barely breathe – let alone move much more than a muscle or two. Not even that, actually. He was paralyzed.  A breathing mask was fitted snugly over his face, impairing his vision and smelling of an old swimming mask.

All around him lay an ominous dark.

“Sir? Are you OK? Don’t try to move. The anesthetic hasn’t worn off and you’ll hurt yourself.” said a voice – vaguely familiar.

Ah! The voice was that of Dr. Fudgefingers – the surgeon assigned to his case by The O’BuggerCare Board, and from the Rugged Hyman Surgical Group.

“Hgzdjkllgehme?” mumbled LK, not understanding what was going on – or where he was.

“Yes sir, you’ve just come out of surgery and I’m here to tell you all is swell.” The Dark moved a bit and there was a deeper doctor-shadow next to him now.  “The disconnect procedure went flawlessly.”

“Foop Pie-snit?”, LK pronounced carefully, so as not to be misunderstood.

“Yes. I’m sorry to tell you that after we got into the mechanics of your neck-disk internals we found that the whole thing was hopeless. So per your contract, we initiated the cranial separation procedure…”, the doctor said as he reached for either side of LK’s head.

And to LK’s horror, he felt – and saw – his head lift away from the body – now far below him and receding away into the darkness. And it hurt.

“There will be significant residual pain in the neck-stub end, I’m afraid, but we at O’BuggerCare and Suicide Kiosk #37569 provide plenty of opiates…”

But LK heard no more over his own screaming….

… and then the darkness rose up and carried him away… to a place where oblivion would be a kindness.

********************************************************

….and LK woke up, feeling so quietly and peacefully pain-free that his clear and crisp mind struggled to remember a recent comparable state of being.

He felt magnificent.

“We wants data, yes we does”, mumbled LK, and proceeded to move, then to toss and turn his head, shoulders and extremities in ever-more violent motions in an effort to find the until-just-now ever-present pain.

None.  Nada.

“Good data! More.”

Sensing with his noodle, he moved every part of his body trying to detect the least bit – the tiniest shred – of pain.

Zilch.  All his pain centers were apparently sound asleep – comatose, even.

“I could get used to this!”, he exclaimed, threw caution to the winds, and attempted to get up out of the hospital bed. But even as the thought formed, his body’s muscles were already moving him smoothly to a fully erect position next to the bed. Perfectly.

No twinge of anything resembling pain intruded upon the effort. His body was a well-oiled machine.

“Yes, sir – I’ll take this one”, he spoke to the imaginary Body Salesman. “This body will do juuuuuuust fine. Check please!”

There was a rustle and bustle behind him and he turned his head – painlessly, the neck all ball-bearings and teflon gliding – and was inundated by simultaneous hugs, kisses, squeezes, and other pleasant indignities from CW, Girlhead, and Franken-Boy. He bent and lifted a child in each arm – effortlessly – and hugged them tightly. This left him completely defenseless against the huge mega-kiss CW planted on his kisser with …well…her own.

“Things are looking brighter every moment”, LK exclaimed indistinctly past the smothering smooch. “Let’s go eat! I’m starving!”

In a raspy voice that could grind dry bones, worsening with every word,  Franken-boy said “Yeah, Dad!  And I can show you some really… neat tricks… Uncle McGoo showed me this morning!” As he spoke, he held up an ancient whoopee cushion and a twisted cane in his trembling clawed hands.

-Finis

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