Yes, I am cracking up. Didn’t sleep until after the sun came up.
Cruel Wife is hacking up bits and pieces of her internal organs. She has had a cold for ten days or so now and I am hoping that I either don’t get it or get it very very soon, before surgery. The last thing I want to be doing is coughing after I’ve had neck surgery.
As you know, my traitorous neck has been lying to my brain, and last night was especially bad.
Think of my neck as this spastic menopausal woman with low self-esteem named Astrid. Astrid seeks attention by telling lies and manipulating her surroundings. She has been telling those lies to my autonomous brain, who is basically a not-so-bright fellow who we will call Sheriff Hynde. Hynde discharges his firearm accidentally every other day and does a dozen stupid things at random regularly. And when Hynde thinks stuff is going on that ought not be going on he makes everyone miserable and then they start reacting as well.
My arm is Dex, the conveniently-passing-by neighborhood handy-man who really is an agreeable sort but nevertheless is the target for Astrid’s lies. Lies they may be, sometimes the lie shapes reality.
Now, Dex has done nothing to deserve being the target of Astrid’s behavior, but she’s having A Bad Day, and is taking it out on him. Truth be told, Astrid has been having A Bad Day for many moons because of an injury she suffered years ago, and when she’s not seeing doctors, and she’s sending Hynde these “Dex is dying” text messages and the idiot Sheriff Hynde keeps falling for them. Dex may be starting to believe them as well.
The other part of my brain, Mayor Neo Cortex is conflicted. Rationally, he knows Astrid is a psycho bitch with some real issues but he also knows that getting rid of her is not a solution because she’s still a community institution. He can’t replace Hynde because Hynde is his brother-in-law. Even if he made sure Dex’s links to the community were severed and he was sent packing, Neo’s life would still be made miserable by the Astrid/Hynde duo because they probably wouldn’t even notice that Dex was gone. All Neo really wants is for Astrid and Hynde to knock it the f*ck off and go to bed already.
You can’t just corner Astrid in a parking lot, throw a blanket over her head and beat the stuffing out of her, either because she still performs a lot of good services that would stop pretty quickly if you roughed her up.
Lately she’s gotten into practical jokes. She knows that Dex is close friends with the Digit family. She threw a firecracker next to the Digit family’s quintuplet’s bassinet to wake everyone up and thought it was hilarious. There was no damage to the bassinet but Hynde freaked out. Two of the quints weren’t even affected, but three of them have PTSD and keep screaming their heads off and then going eerily silent at unpredictable intervals. You would think that once would be enough but she keeps traumatizing those poor babes.
And lately, Astrid has been dragging Dex’s twin brother Manny into the situation with identical results. The poor guys wish she would leave them alone and Mayor Neo agrees.
In a few days, the “fixer” that Mayor Neo has hired is going to knock Astrid out and take away her cell phone or glue all the buttons together. If he’s smart he’ll wipe her Facebook and Twitter accounts. Then maybe the community will be able to sleep and they Mayor can stop popping pills.
Note: Translation of all of the above – first three fingers on both hands are numb, both arms hurt, and the screwy thing is that none of that is real, it is all due to a disc in my neck.