Yes, you could say “Well, geez, Lemur, Christmas isn’t about gifts”, and you’d be right.
But doggone it, this year I’m going to have to ask you to go sit in the garage and spout off there because I’m not interested in hearing the whine of someone moralizing in my face this year.
For the first Christmas in four years I was not wishing I could be somewhere quiet and lying down. No, I wasn’t pain free, but pain wasn’t overshadowing the entire evening except for a few twinges here and there. I took pictures, I laughed, I watched, enjoyed the kids’ grins and giggles, and had fun.
I got my Christmas present – a fixed neck. The other stuff was good but this was better even than the butter on the corn, the icing on the cake, the gravy on the mashed potatoes. Nothing is better than physically/mentally/emotionally being invited to the dinner in the first place.
Ok, enough metaphor.
Note: Stay with this post long enough to read where my wife gives me a weapon for Christmas. We are an atypical couple – she gave me a tanto for our anniversary one year, so don’t be surprised at what you read further down.
Here’s Jilly-boo, my imprinted/bonded cat, to give you a wonderful Christmas Kitty Stare. Which reminds me, we have now had Jack and Jill – sibling felines – for exactly one year as of Christmas Eve, and boy am I glad the family railroaded me into taking both of them.
What else could a guy want?
Glad you asked.
Ladies, if you want your husband to be truly happy, and you want him to be able to defend house and home against intruders of all types (even zombies), then get him a tactical tomahawk.
Or get him a Jericho/Baby Desert Eagle -OR- a Springfield XD .40 -OR- a Glock 29 10mm.
Several months ago I had seen a SOG Tactical Tomohawk online and said “Oooh, look at that. I’ve wanted one of those for a while.”
A week later I was flipping through a magazine and said “Hey, you know, if you were wondering what to get me, how about a tactical tomahawk?”
She looked at me and laughed. Laughed right in my face. She said “Oh yeah, right ‘Here you go honey’… do you really think that’s the thing to give daddy for a Christmas present? What are the kids going to think?”
Nothing like a good heel-stomp to the soul and a rapier-sharp remark to the heart to sober one right up, and so, resigned to being a real life “Married with Children” Al Bundy, I stared at Peg… I mean Cruel Wife (sorry)… and I gave up on the idea. I shuffled away with that idea lying on the ground and shriveling up, just like my testicles.
I figured I’d save up my money on my own and get it some day.
I opened one present from her, and it was Pixar’s DVD of their short stories.
The second gift was a pair of RC fighting helicopters. Not the true swash-plate kind because on a smaller RC copter they can be fairly fragile, but instead uses coaxial props that perform yaw motion by adjusting prop velocity of one relative to the other.
This is really quite good since I’ll probably be training the kids and Cruel Wife how to fly them and a robust training helicopter is a working training helicopter. Two helicopters, beefed up a bit, and sporting IR “guns” that can shoot the enemy helicopter. Whoever is the first to get hit three times has their chopper slowly shut down and return to ground. There is absolutely no way that gift could fail to please me. None. When it comes to helicopters I am all over that. Here’s what they look like…
Someday I will get one with true swash-plate/cyclic hardware because this will allow true rotor tilt (sideways motion). You can do things with them that you can’t do with the fixed co-axial rotors – pirouette and strafing are the simplest examples but there is also this half-pipe maneuver that works well, too.
I also got two trebuchets, working models, that you can set up in the house and launch stones across the room at the enemy’s castle. So now the kids and I can have battles. See them online here: http://www.facebook.com/siegetoys
Lastly there was a large box with a smaller container on the top. I opened up the top one and it was some sort of strap/wrap stuff. Totally stymied, I opened up the larger box and saw …
But first, Ladies, let me say this… Nothing, and I mean NOTHING says “I wuv oo” quite like a wife giving her husband a tactical tomahawk. NOTHING. I guarantee your man will ooze testosterone at the same time his knees turn watery and he has this orgasmic out-of-body-experience (OOOBE).
I was shocked. I stared at the Lagana TT and blinked several times. I was speechless and caught in the biggest OOOBE of my life. Bigger pic if you click it.
She told me that she had ordered the tomahawk just days before I had mentioned it for the second time in my whinging sniveling little Eric Cartman voice.
Cruel Wife is sneaky, but I don’t care because I’m so happy.
Why do I like the tomahawk? Let’s save that for a future posting. It’s Christmas, you know. But you can bet that zombies come into play… and bad guys.
That is what Forgiveness sounds like… screaming, and then silence. – Carl the Llama
Cruel Wife says she is going to have to work extra hard for ideas on what to get me next Christmas because she is all out of ideas. Apparently I am hard to shop for. I keep telling her, I’m quite simple really, and don’t have all that many needs or wants… that she can afford, anyway. (Next year – glass-carving setup) But really, once a guy has a tactical fountain pen and a tactical tomahawk what more does he really need?
What did I get her?
Years ago while on a month-long data collection in Huntsville (Redstone Arsenal), I got her an Alabama Dirt Shirt. That is to say, a shirt, from Alabama that uses red Alabama dirt (aka “mud”) to stain the shirt. Amazingly that shirt has held it’s color for twelve years. So I got her two more. And she wanted new silverware and new dishes. And I got her a ridiculously difficult-to-find Lego Pet Shop model to put together.
I went out and took some pics after the kids went down. Near here is a road where they put out luminaries every Christmas Eve. Pic gets bigger if you click on it.
Merry Christmas to you all. May God give you the happiness, time with family, and peaceful Christmas I had. The presents were secondary, truly.
Here I am, following along reading that you got the DVD set (check) and then I read that you got the dueling helicopters (check) – and I go “Cool!” – then I read that YOU GOT TWO TREBUCHETS!!! and I’m like “Jesus – he’s married to a mindreader-goddess!!”
And then I see the TT in all its “don’t even think of effing with me” splendor, and I I think “Plus..his neck is un-effed-with TOO!!”
I’d say your Christmas (and your spouse) is just about perfect, LK!
Isn’t the TT just to die for? I’ve thought out a dozen different ways I’ll be able to use it in everyday tasks (yes, some do include dispatching zombies, why do you ask?)
Thanks for the awesome compliment, McGoo. 🙂
This has truly been the best Christmas ever – despite Girl-Head looking at me after opening an outfit I got for her, and saying in derisive, long-suffering cynicism, “Really, Mom? Clothes???” (Note: she went ape…bonkers when Nana, the lady who watches them before and after school, gave her *clothes* just the day before.) I was irritated yet proud of her all at the same time. Proud that her delivery was perfect, yet irritated that I got that response in the first place. LOL
I can vouch for the perfectness of delivery. Scathing and sarcasm will not be areas where she will be lacking. It takes a really deft touch to be scathing yet not caustic and openly rebellious. I didn’t quite get the hang of that particular nuance until my freshman or sophomore year.
Oh, and I gave him the tactical pen for his birthday last year, too. ;)-
I swear, y’all are like Hubby and me, only without the awful pain you’ve had to endure. One Christmas he gave me a gun; the next, a beautiful machete (mine had broke, along with my heart a few months before).
What do I gift him? A mini Stonehenge for his desk, stuffed microbes for his office, also a trebuchet one year (he has a dicky coworker)….
I tend not to gift him weapons, but only because he is very, very picky 🙂
And a very Merry Christmas to you and yours, LK!!!
It is going to be an interesting time if we ever do get to meet one another as couples!
Merry Christmas to you and yours, Aggie!
That is exactly the reason CW said she will not purchase me one of my desired handguns, insisting that I should be hands-on. I guess I can see her reasoning. You generally can’t buy shoes for someone so why should weapons be different?
Tomahawks are simpler beasts, however.
Aggie I think Hubby needs a TT. What am I saying? Every man needs one. I think there would be a lot less arseholes in bars if everyone had one.
No, LK…I’M the one with the blades around here.
END OF DISCUSSION!!! 😉
Oh, LK, I can think of dozens of things to do with that TT, and almost a few of them don’t even involve getting it too bloody.
Heads up: there is a gun/accessories/whatever online store called Cheaper Than Dirt. They are having a sale right now on throwing tomahawks. Point being: they would be great to practice on as you would not be beating up on your Christmas Precious. You could learn how to throw before you bruise The One Fling. This link worked for me:
http://go.emaildir2.com/l/a/dhi/dk/z2jz/dzl/d3rz/click.emaildirect
HA!! I have an account at CTD 😀
Why does that not surprise me, Aggie! 🙂
Niiiiice, McGoo…very nice.
I’ve got throwing knives but I’ve never been as good with those as I am with hatchet-style throwing things.
Now I’m looking at a true 4channel ‘copter AND a CTD thrower – oh the pain of having to choose!
I love my 3.5 helicopter(s). I’ve always wanted to lay hands on a 4 CH so I could practice for the eventual purchase of a gas-powered helicopter.
http://www.nitroplanes.com/2exrcmicorac.html
LK, I have sworn that this spring I am going to buy one or two of those GOOD electric R/C planes – the 4-6 channel puppies with flaps and aileron and landing gear control. God knows I have the room out here, and the grass is soft enough to land on.
I used to fly glow-engine R/C decades ago, but haven’t touched a stick in years.
I wonder if i can rig one to fire REAL rockets – and hit anything?
BTW: CTD ammo prices can be unbeatable from time to time. Good place to do business.
McGoo – check out these electrics…
http://www.miniatureaircraftusa.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=65&Itemid=64
http://www.redrockethobbies.com/Phoenix-R-C-Pro-Sim-ver-3-0-w-DX5e-p/rtm30r5510.htm
So, is the Lego Pet Shop for CW?
Because if so, we could be twinkies. Only I’m Puerto Rican. With dark hair. Fraternal, then.
Hubby gave me two Frank Lloyd Wright Lego sets (Fallingwater and Guggeneim), and the Brandenburg Gate Lego set for my birthday.
This is past eerie, and well into creepy 😉
Creepy has long since disappeared in the rear-view mirror.
When you add it all up – vertically challenged, attitude, tonic water, BBQ, chocolate, Legos, weaponry, etc. etc. … It is freaky.
I can live with freaky.
I think I do already.
Merry Christmas everybody! Sounds like y’all had a real good day!
Tactical tomahawks and RC helicopters?
That’s a good Christmas.
There are very few situations where a good tomahawks isn’t appropriate.
Here’s wishing CW a Merry Christmas.
I’ll let her know you thought of her, veeshir. I’m sure she will be more than happy to boycott your blog, too.
(For anyone who stumbled in here and read that, and it makes ZERO sense, it’s a long story.)
I felt like the tomahawk was a good alternative to having guns and small children in the house. This sucker could dispatch zombies with a brain shot via the spike poll.
Or you could imagine burying the spike in the bad guy’s calf or upper arm to take his attention off of doing harm to you and yours.
And a belated (but none the less heartfelt) Merry Christmas to you and CW!! Sounds like you received all you could have wanted/hoped for, and more!!
[…] Why have I not heard of such a creature’s existence? Not that I’d buy one, I’m not big on the tacticool stuff, but I should have heard of this pen at least. And yes, my Pelikan M1000 looks big enough to bludgeon someone to death, but I wouldn’t try it. My SOG Twitch II will have to suffice for hand-to-hand. […]