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Archive for August, 2012

T-Shirts.

Last t-shirt was the Pug shirt.  A new one has come from co-worker Inscrutable Half-Breed‘s wife who shall not be named since she’s too nice to mix up in this sordid blog.

Her suggestion of this shirt as the uniform for engineers is beautiful.  She is very wise.  (tautism alert)  It isn’t cheap, but truly valuable things rarely are.

I liked this one, too.  I’m not sure if it means I’m geeky or just plain sad.

Risqué, for this blog… but maybe veeshir will finally come back.  Not sure if it is really a shirt or not but there is a hint of realism right there in front of you.

Oh, I promised the dog-faced baby image, didn’t I?

That *is* tragic, isn’t it?

Yes, I was able to remove this cat from my chair without a hint of guilt.  Not even a shred.

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More to come later but for now, I’m going to make mention of Snarky Basterd’s paddling of His Thin-Skinned Awesomeness (Obummer) when it comes to His twitter-twaddle account.  Right on, Snarky.

I love it when a point is scored and it is so obviously confirmed.

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Okay.  It is now “later”.

Been working a lot the last few days – so I’m catching up on some remarks about current events.  In a moment.

First, you might be excused for thinking this article was describing more than one person at the Republican Convention in Tampa.

But you’d be wrong because it is from the early 90’s.  I have carried that damn thing around since before CW and I got married.  A pristine image of it can be found here.

Wait until I show off an original “Dog Faced Baby” I also had tucked away.

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Human Organs Found in Storage Locker.

Officials at the medical examiner’s office in Pensacola say the remains of more than 100 people were found crudely stored in Tupperware containers, garbage bags and drink cups. Many of the remains were not identified.

[snip]
Officials are trying to determine whether Berkland broke any laws regarding biomedical waste and the storing and disposing of human remains.

Really?  The highest priority was to ask the question “did he break any laws?” rather than ask the question “how can we get this sick puppy confined so he isn’t amongst the public?”… really?  

Taking work home is one thing but this is beyond that.  Way beyond.

Ann Romney: This Man Will Lift Up America!

“This is the man America needs. This is the man who will wake up every day with the determination to solve the problems that others say can’t be solved, to fix what others say is beyond repair. This is the man who will work harder than anyone so that we can work a little less hard.”

[snip]

“I can’t tell you what will happen over the next four years. But I can only stand here tonight, as a wife, a mother, a grandmother, an American, and make you this solemn commitment:

“This man will not fail.  This man will not let us down.  This man will lift up America!”

I don’t need Romney to work harder so I can work a little less hard.  That’s not the American Way and isn’t what “grit” and “intestinal fortitude” are made of.   Expecting the other guy to work harder so you can work less hard is what we’re trying to get rid of by getting Obama out of office (getting rid of socialism).

I also don’t care about Ann Romney, her motherhood, her grandmotherhood, wifehood as it pertains to electing our next President… Her husband is running for office, not her.  When I interview for a job my wife isn’t invited in by the prospective employer to be a part of that process.  

As to him failing… we’ll be the judge of that when the time comes, m’kay?  Yes, I’m in a mood tonight.

No, I’m not a liberal by even a tiny stretch.  Yes, I’m an American.  No, I don’t believe Romney is any more conservative than I am liberal.  Yes, he’s still way right of Obama.  Yes, I’ll gladly take him over Obama.

“Emergency” Tax on the Rich

Deputy Prime Minster Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal-Democrat Party [UK], has proposed a one-time tax on the wealth (rather than the incomes) of high-net-worth Britons.

One-time?  You really think it’ll only be ‘one time’?  What happens next time someone notices that the coffers are dry and more entitlements need to be paid?

Taxing the net-worth?  Talk about a totally contemptuous move to punish “the rich” just for having something.  It is a government-sanctioned mugging.

Telling it like it is, in part.  An excerpt from Ryan’s Republican Convention speech:

And I’m going to level with you: We don’t have that much time.

And he hasn’t even begun to make that clear enough and urgently enough.

Misplaced emphasis?

Wesley Shermatine, one half of the Speed Freak Killers duo, was reportedly let out of San Quentin’s death row  to help investigators search for victims, FOX40.com reported.

Shermantine aided investigators for the day, and was taken back to prison Sunday night.

Leonard Padilla, a bounty hunter, said Shermantine  was let out Sunday and is being offered reward money in exchange for bodies. Padilla believes the money is coming from the FBI and believes the reward will be paid to Shermantine per body.

The release was reportedly a test of sorts. If remains are found with information from Shermantine, he will be let out again.

Reward money?  Release?  How about “if you don’t tell us we’re going to start cutting off your body parts without anesthesia”?

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The Sith wanted a graphic, so a graphic she shall have…

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I was on my way home tonight and stopped off in a neighboring town at a gas station where I’m a regular.

I got my 32 oz Red Bull™, some jerky, and an iced tea.  Iced tea is cheaper than water, did you know that?  Go figure.

I walked up to the cash register.  Cash Lady is a plain but amiable lady in her late 50’s.

Note:  To quote the great Dave Barry – I swear I am not making this up.

Me:  Howdy, Cash Lady.  You having a good evening?

Cash Lady:  Oh yes, fine, thanks.

Me:  I think that’ll be it for me – how much do I owe you?

Cash Lady:  That’ll be $7.31.

Me:  All right, here you go…

Cash Lady:  I have the next two days off.

Me:  Really?  I used to have Mondays and Tuesdays off.  It was nice because errands became much easier.

Cash Lady: (She hands me my money)  I suppose so.  I’m excited because I get to go see Elvis.

Me:  Beg pardon?

Cash Lady:  Yes, he’s going to do five shows over at the park and I’m going to see every one of them.

Me:  … … Uh. … … Elvis?

Cash Lady:  Yes, I’ve wanted to see him for years.

Note:  At this point, if she had reached under the counter to whip out a fresh harp seal and smacked me across the face with it I could not have been more surprised.  I was literally dumbstruck for a few moments.  I was lucky because I grasped for something to say and something was within reach – it’s one of those things that I store on one of my brain’s many shelves for just such an occasion – the occasions where nothing quite fits, like looking a Hallmark card that expresses “I’m sorry your stuffed cat got eaten by a giant rabid beaver”.

Me:  Yeah, I bet.  A lot of people say that.

Cash Lady:  I’m so excited.  I asked my boss for the time off and got it!

Me:  Well, ok, ma’am… well… have a good evening and enjoy The King.

Cash Lady:  Bye bye!

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Swampy U.

Another hurricane for New Orleans.  Seriously, if this one hits and lays waste to NO, I don’t want a single dime spent on rebuilding it or helping people out who live there.  Enough is enough.

It is sad, yes.  But the rest of us should not be on the hook for their poor judgment.

Update:

Looky…

Past performance being an indicator of future possibility (not deterministic, however), this does not look good.  We’ll see how much energy that sucker picks up in the next 24 hours.

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All the talking heads are saying either “we’re all gonna die” or “the economy is on the mend – the rate of jobless claims isn’t skyrocketing quite as fast.  Garbage doesn’t appear to lie so I’ll just trust in that.   GDP lags because it takes a while to collect and compile the data, but I’d say there’s a high degree of correlation.

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I nearly gagged.  It’s always about Him, isn’t it?

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If it isn’t obvious very shortly, I had to reach to pull that post-title out of my ass.
Can’t even begin to come up with them like Steamboat McGoo.  A force of nature to be reckoned with, that ability to spin the gold of post-titles from the straw of … sh*t… can’t even craft a good metaphor tonight.  On with the post then.
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From Fox News

Apes on helium sound like opera singers, scientists discover

No no no no no!  That won’t work.  That sentence was engineered like a Yugo.  Or a brick.  It’s clunky and lacks that sleek-n-sexy feeling.  It has all the perkiness of cabbage soup with hot-dogs and slices of American cheese floating in it.

Rearrange it, using the exact same words, and if you are having a good day you end up with the same meaning, but way more fun.  Hopefully it’s like sex on a roller coaster with a half dozen scopolamine patches plastered all over your body.  NO idea what that would actually feel like but if it is vivid to the imagination it must be fun, right?  That’s what powers many a drunken dare, and that I do know from experience.

So let’s run that baby through the steps and see what it looks like when scrambled like a drunk kitten.

Scientists discover opera singers sound like apes on helium

See how much better that works?  That is something I can get behind.

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I am a huge fan of Oscar Wilde (as you can see by the recent tagline change to “A Gentleman is…”  So today here are a few (just a few) of my favorite quotes:

It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.  – Oscar Wilde

How about that, eh?  I probably like that one because it strokes my geek ego.

One’s past is what one is. It is the only way by which people should be judged.  – Oscar Wilde

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.  – Oscar Wilde
The idea that what you have done defines you now, but is in no way deterministic regarding the future, i.e. there is possibility of redemption, is comforting.  I may not be able to see the redeem-ability in others but the idea/ideal that it could be there is one that I like.
My favorite part about Wilde is that he saw a stark realism, and mocked it, yet you could tell he longed for his ideals.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.  – Oscar Wilde
Yes, he was a flamboyant individual with certain… tastes… which I don’t share, but I still like the guy.  I respect those who display a keen insight and an ability to craft words.
I think Wilde would agree with the notion:
We write what we are.  – Lemur King
If someone already said that then, well, damn.  But I am unaware of it being said before so I will claim it, for now.
****
Thank you, FARK… I needed a third topic before moving on to the fourth one below.

It was a case of show-and-tell gone wrong after a Fulton County elementary school teacher brought a poisonous spider to show her students – and one student was bitten.

Got the drama.  Check.  What about the tragedy?

It wasn’t even until later that evening that Jones realized something was wrong with her daughter. That’s when she collapsed.

All right, we got the tragedy.  Check.

Allegedly, the girl was pretty sick.  Her mother was quoted as saying:

“The doctor (said) it’s a fifty-fifty chance that she will pull through and a fifty-fifty chance she won’t,” Jones said.
So if my math/physics is right, there is a 25% chance she’ll live, a 25% chance she’ll die, and a 50% chance she’ll be in an indeterminate state between the two.  The poor girl is in a damned Schrodinger’s Box full of goddamned poisonous spiders.
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I am usually not going to link HuffPo, but the subject matter is choice.  Some people have to learn things the hard way.  Chowing down on hot peppers to steal them probably isn’t going to make an impact on this guy.
Shoplifter Marcus Banwell might have gotten away with stealing from a UK convenience store — if he hadn’t chowed down on some looted hot peppers in the store and started vomiting.
They found scotch bonnets on him, a milkshake, a clarinet, and heroin.  My guess is all of it was stolen except the heroin, which was probably legally obtained.

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Unbearable Joy.

Quote for the day:

May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi.  – The Great Carnack

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On our journey through the NW a few weeks ago, we stopped by the home of a fellow who I consider a good friend of many years, who you have heard me call SCSSP (Six Cans Short of a Six Pack).

He isn’t crazy, per se, but he’s… unique.  He taught me how to make my first spud gun.  He taught me that it is completely possible to take a drag on a cigarette while chugging a beer at the same time.  (Do not ask me how – I do not know)

He is the fellow who, during day #3 of a huge party at my sister’s house one year, helped me to finish off a bottle of rum.  The folks hanging out just opened up the hide-a-bed in the living room, threw us on it after we passed out, and kept partying.

So we woke up (blearily) the next morning and my sister said quietly “So…WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT FOR BREAKFAST???”  She hollered that last part very loudly, in case you wondered.

So SCSSP, who is extremely quick and nimble on his feet and only grows more so when drunk, like Dr. Johnny Fever on WKRP in Cincinnati, immediately went into deep thought.  Trust me, we were still drunk.

My stomach roiled and churned.  I had a bad taste of the ‘zactlies’ in my mouth, where your mouth tastes ‘zactly like an old tractor tire with critters living in it.  I was… not well.

SCSSP belted out “MAD DOG™ AND FRUIT LOOPS™!”

I blanched, then turned green.

My sister ran out without hesitation to purchase some Mad Dog™ and Fruit Loops™.

She returned a while later with some Mad Dog 20/20 Wild Plum Supreme™ and a box of Fruit Loops™.   If you don’t know, MD 20/20™ is an unbelievably horrible wine made from grapes that did not live well.  They only ferment after rotting and then are aged – sometimes as much as six hours – and then much sugar and “fortification” is added.  It is a rancid swill in the best of times and worthy of Hell at its worst.

SCSSP opined that not only should my sister bring us both a bowl of Fruit Loops™ with Mad Dog 20/20™ instead of milk, she should also bring us coffee-cups full of the stuff after nuking it in the microwave to just long enough to bring it to steaming temperature in order to “bring out the bouquet”.

I vowed to never let them see me sweat and dug in with gusto and quaffed the cup full of vile liquid in one draught.  It made the room lurch and spin but after a bit I felt right as rain and ready to go again.  I wasn’t ready to start drinking so early in the day so I stuck with beer until 11:59am and switched back to rum (I hate being bound by social conventions).

So anyhow, SCSSP has a wife who is really really nice and I met her for the first time.

I saw a pic of her as a kid (and surreptitiously snapped a shot of it) and it kind of explains how she fits SCSSP in temperament, I think.  I have attempted to protect the identity of those involved.

What you see is a girl who is rather unhappy that a deer antler is getting in the way of what would be a nice pic of her on her bike.  Poor dear.

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From the You Can’t Make That Stuff Up files:

Lab tech parties with escaped monkeys

University employee found with pants down, monkeys roaming free

Relax.  The monkeys were given a rape kit and found to be ok.  The tech, however, is still being correctly regarded as a majorly disturbed pervert.

I love the article where it says:

A Georgia Health Sciences University lab tech was recently discovered in a campus locker room engaging in unusual behavior.

Really?  What behavior, exactly, tipped them off?

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Only in Nepal… Nice, quiet Nepal…

A farmer in Nepal reportedly turned the tables on a venomous snake who bit him, chasing down the deadly cobra and biting it to death.

Source:  Fox News
Oh.  Okay.

[The farmer] then chased the snake down and bit it repeatedly.

“A snake charmer told me that if a snake bites you, bite it until it is dead and nothing will happen to you,”

Right.  I guess I knew that.  Of course… duh.  And all this time I’ve only been returning the bites of cobras one-for-one.

****

Update:  Civilization as we know it is as doomed as the Romans.  Dog shaming online.  Oh yeah, that will show Fideaux or Fifi… they’ll boot up, check out Tumblr, and tuck tail and run.  Serves them right.

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As an attention grabber, I have totally stolen something from Bunk Strutts.  A certain amount of shame was involved, yes.

It is sad.  But I’ve more or less come to terms with it and have moved on.

I like Pugs.  I really didn’t steal this for any other reason than that I like Pugs.

Full disclosure: And he obtained it from here… http://www.amyoops.com/2012/08/from-my-inbox.html#.UDQrhqBA2tY

No, it’s not a sick kind of “I like Pugs” thing, I just think they’re ugly enough to be cute and I haven’t seen many mean ones.

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Semi-alert reader ID10T Killer has sent me a second image that he says was flashed on his screen in a sidebar advertisement at Tom’s Hardware during his first visit on a totally virgin machine on it’s maiden voyage. (The first image can be found here.)

Now, this means one of the following:

  1. He’s either a lyin’ perv (which I’m not saying is a bad thing) and they’ve totally got his number  (odds of this are somewhere between 30% and 0.00001% but I ain’t telling because if I tell, he tells)
  2. Tom’s Hardware just figures 99% of their clientele consists of males who cannot find a real woman who will get (and stay) within 10 feet of him  (ID10T Killer is married, with kids)
  3. Tom’s Hardware is tracking people in ways we can’t believe
  4. Random sh*t happens all the time and even blind squirrels find nuts once in a while

If #2 didn’t make much sense, Tom’s Hardware is Geek Central.  Either accept that as gospel or go see for yourself.

Now, all that said, ID10T Killer and I have wondered…

“What in the hell is Wartun3, and are you going to be exposed to “t3nt@cl3 53x” or a major payload of nasty code just for being curious?”†

I doubt either of us is going to go check it out.  And we probably wouldn’t tell you if we did.

As Cruel Wife can attest, I have a thing for short cute brunettes with sometimes violent tendencies, so the graphic was at least interesting.

Apologies, because I am no fan of l33t-speak, but neither do I want web-crawling stuff sniffing me out for the term “t3nt@cl3 53x” so I threw in some pseudo-l33t.  Don’t even think about flaming me about my improper ‘spelling’ because I don’t even claim to know it all that well.

****

And, this just in from the Bizarro Universe…

Study:  Marriage causes women to drink more than men

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And a hearty:

“THANK YOU, PAL!”

… to Aggie Sith and Cruel Wife.

Cruel Wife just visited Aggie’s site (Sithy Things) where she posted the recipe for a drink called “Witch’s Brew”.  She laughed at the drink and the name and I said “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, it’s Aggie post today” chirped Cruel Wife.

I thought hard.  “Wait, what was the post again?  Oh, the drink…”

“… Witches Brew,” she finished for me.

Cruel Wife read the ingredients list and said “‘Black sugar’ is an ingredient?  I’ve never heard of ‘black sugar’.”

Trying to be helpful because (a) I was pretty sure it wasn’t a common variant of heroin, and (b) I’m a food-lover and interested in all things food, I said “Hang on… I’ll look it up… okay… Bing-dot-com… b-l-a-c-k space s-u-g-a-r… waiting… waiting… oh, it’s some kind of Taiwanese variant of way darker brown sugar and…”

I stopped, stared, and then I finished with “… Goddammit, you better thank me for doing that search for you.”

Confused, Cruel Wife said “What, why should I tha… black sugar… oooooohhhh.  (insert ‘bwah-hah-hah-hah here)

One cannot un-ring the bell once it has been rung.  Dammit, I’ve been on the web 20 years and should have known better.  I’ve seen worse, I just don’t like being surprised by it.

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This is not news.  Man has 9-inch fork removed from stomach.

He swallowed the fork several decades ago.  A nine-inch fork.  Swallowed.

Lee Gardner, 40, was taken to Barnsley Hospital in the U.K. after vomiting blood and suffering stomach cramps.

I stopped reading and asked Cruel Wife… Wait, do they mean an IQ of 40?  Must be, because he didn’t look a day under the age of 60.

Well, that is only to be expected, right?  Most people vomit blood and get a little crampy when they swallow a nine-inch plastic fork.

He said he was told the fork, which he swallowed 10 years ago, would pass through his system naturally so he did not think to mention it to doctors.

Yes, a doctor supposedly told him that the fork would pass naturally – a nine-inch plastic fork.

Let’s go over that again, worded differently:

Gardner said when he accidentally swallowed the fork 10 years ago, a doctor told him the utensil would pass through his system naturally, leading him to forget about the event.  – foxnews.com

Most people would view passing a nine-inch plastic fork with no small amount of trepidation, waiting for the magic moment at which his body would truly bid adieu to the offensive nine-inch plastic fork.
But this guy never noticed, and that leads me to question what his normal bowel movements are like.  I’m going to risk my reputation and guess that he’s never seen a single gram of fiber in his life.  His food pyramid has meat (meat), beer (grains), and water (only when necessary) and by all accounts his pyramid is roughly shaped like a morbidly obese giraffe.
Here is where I really shake my head…
Mr Gardner said he was playing around with the disposable fork in his mouth and gagged, accidentally swallowing it, but it had never caused him problems.
How do you play around with a nine-inch plastic fork and gag such that you accidentally swallow it?  Can anyone honestly say that they think this could happen to anyone?

What I really wonder is this… what in the hell is he not saying because it is more embarrassing than swallowing a nine-inch plastic fork?  It has to be bad enough that “playing around with [a nine-inch plastic fork]” and gagging, thereby ending up with it inside your insides seems like a preferable explanation.

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Why?

Because God knows that people have been mercilessly persecuted for not engaging in self-gratification or fornication.

Peeping Toms and voyeurs everywhere are being denied titillating experiences and hunting down those who have no interest in mutual gratification or self-diddlation.  Bedroom police are crashing these people’s bedrooms after noticing a distinct absence of KY™, Trojans™ (or other prophylactic devices), toys, and moisturizing lotion on their credit cards.

The enormity of the pressures society places upon these people who feel absolutely no attraction to other people must be crushing.

I predict that in the future, everyone will be found to have unique minority status in their sexual orientations – left v. right hand, a particular partner, anything that moves, anything that doesn’t move, cows, watermelons, picnic tables, etc. – and there will be approximately 7.5 billion people each qualifying for their own special status.

And those who really need that “asexual” label to feel secure, most likely those who weren’t breast-fed long enough, will at last feel the comfort of the warm bosomy embrace of government as it cradles them and shelters them from the heinous treatment they suffer daily.

I have gay friends who have had a bazillion times worse than this.   This is just plain ridiculous.

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Semi-alert ID10T Killer passes on this graphic that got stuck in this mail.   He thought it was gauche, tasteless, and wanted to know what kind of game it really is.  I sure wonder.

It sure does look like they are trying to give you some sort of deal.

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Horror vacui.

Note:  We are back from vacation – have been for a week.  I required a week to recover from my vacation.  Cruel Wife still extends her heartfelt thanks to all of you who expressed condolences on the passing of her mom. 

Relating to the title…

Obviously nature doesn’t abhor a vacuum or Joe Biden’s eardrums would have imploded and his eyeballs would have been sucked into his skull by now.

It’s not new news, but you can’t help but wince when you hear stuff like this:

KUDLOW: You know, what did [Biden] say? ‘Y’all going to be put back in chains’? That almost has racial overtones, Rudy Giuliani. What’s your take on that?

GIULIANI: Well, I think if it came from somebody serious maybe we’d get all excited about it. But the — I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late night television. I mean, he — I’ve never seen a vice president that has made as many mistakes, said as many stupid things. I mean, there’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it. I mean, this guy just isn’t bright. He’s never been bright. He isn’t bright. And people think, ‘Well, he just talks a little too much.’ Actually he’s not very smart.

I mean this in all honesty when I say I would jump in front of a bullet if some nut tried to hurt Obama, purely out of fear that the next guy in line for President is Biden.  We can all complain about Obama as much as we like but he is actually less scary to me than the idea of President Biden.

Biden couldn’t win a debate against an banana slug, but he could say something just stupid enough to cause serious problems.

Let’s hope Romney/Ryan as a dynamic duo clinch the deal this November.  It’s closer than you think, folks.

Obama is hurting more than I could ever imagine if there’s talk like this:

Obama Has Plenty of Time to Drop Biden

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In a veritable melange of topics tonight, Alert and Constant Reader mrmacs has forwarded the following link for steampunk corsetry.  Cruel Wife perused the site and said “That was very well done.  And for good prices, too.”

Trust me, that is one hell of an endorsement.

****

Now, I like David Wong (the writer) and mostly enjoyed John Dies at the End, and while part of his arguments on Cracked.com at the article below are total bullshit (global warming, the point of Frodo being an orphan is a stretch), the bulk of what he’s written is pretty true.  Think how much of your programming is pure Hollywood and stories.  He does a reasonable amount of thinking.  Here’s the one that made our blood run cold when I read the article to Cruel Wife:

So what if a lot of your interesting party trivia isn’t accurate?

What, you don’t think this same principle goes for the important stuff?

When you went on your first date, you had a picture in your mind of what that should look like — how both of you should behave, what type of activities couples do together, which one of you should pay, etc. Where did that picture come from? Did you take a dating class in elementary school? Did your parents sit you down and tell you? Bullshit. You saw it in a TV show, or a cartoon, a solid decade before you were even old enough to drive.

No, no one told us who got tied up on the first date, or the second, or the third… we just knew.
Honest.
****
Attacked by a rabid beaver.  If that isn’t a bar-bet winning story, I don’t know what is.

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WE HAVE WETURNED.

Arrived back home after ten days of funeral matters, family squabbles, memories, walks and fires on the beach, BBQ’s, birthday parties, good food, beds that are not our beds, etc.  And our cats got their humans back.  They are tickled beyond description.

We left Oregon at 11:30pm last night and arrived at 6:30am local time in good ol’ smelly Detriot.  I guess that clear Oregon air just ain’t for me.

More later – the family is just exhausted after that vacation.

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