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Archive for August 23rd, 2012

Unbearable Joy.

Quote for the day:

May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi.  – The Great Carnack

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On our journey through the NW a few weeks ago, we stopped by the home of a fellow who I consider a good friend of many years, who you have heard me call SCSSP (Six Cans Short of a Six Pack).

He isn’t crazy, per se, but he’s… unique.  He taught me how to make my first spud gun.  He taught me that it is completely possible to take a drag on a cigarette while chugging a beer at the same time.  (Do not ask me how – I do not know)

He is the fellow who, during day #3 of a huge party at my sister’s house one year, helped me to finish off a bottle of rum.  The folks hanging out just opened up the hide-a-bed in the living room, threw us on it after we passed out, and kept partying.

So we woke up (blearily) the next morning and my sister said quietly “So…WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT FOR BREAKFAST???”  She hollered that last part very loudly, in case you wondered.

So SCSSP, who is extremely quick and nimble on his feet and only grows more so when drunk, like Dr. Johnny Fever on WKRP in Cincinnati, immediately went into deep thought.  Trust me, we were still drunk.

My stomach roiled and churned.  I had a bad taste of the ‘zactlies’ in my mouth, where your mouth tastes ‘zactly like an old tractor tire with critters living in it.  I was… not well.

SCSSP belted out “MAD DOG™ AND FRUIT LOOPS™!”

I blanched, then turned green.

My sister ran out without hesitation to purchase some Mad Dog™ and Fruit Loops™.

She returned a while later with some Mad Dog 20/20 Wild Plum Supreme™ and a box of Fruit Loops™.   If you don’t know, MD 20/20™ is an unbelievably horrible wine made from grapes that did not live well.  They only ferment after rotting and then are aged – sometimes as much as six hours – and then much sugar and “fortification” is added.  It is a rancid swill in the best of times and worthy of Hell at its worst.

SCSSP opined that not only should my sister bring us both a bowl of Fruit Loops™ with Mad Dog 20/20™ instead of milk, she should also bring us coffee-cups full of the stuff after nuking it in the microwave to just long enough to bring it to steaming temperature in order to “bring out the bouquet”.

I vowed to never let them see me sweat and dug in with gusto and quaffed the cup full of vile liquid in one draught.  It made the room lurch and spin but after a bit I felt right as rain and ready to go again.  I wasn’t ready to start drinking so early in the day so I stuck with beer until 11:59am and switched back to rum (I hate being bound by social conventions).

So anyhow, SCSSP has a wife who is really really nice and I met her for the first time.

I saw a pic of her as a kid (and surreptitiously snapped a shot of it) and it kind of explains how she fits SCSSP in temperament, I think.  I have attempted to protect the identity of those involved.

What you see is a girl who is rather unhappy that a deer antler is getting in the way of what would be a nice pic of her on her bike.  Poor dear.

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From the You Can’t Make That Stuff Up files:

Lab tech parties with escaped monkeys

University employee found with pants down, monkeys roaming free

Relax.  The monkeys were given a rape kit and found to be ok.  The tech, however, is still being correctly regarded as a majorly disturbed pervert.

I love the article where it says:

A Georgia Health Sciences University lab tech was recently discovered in a campus locker room engaging in unusual behavior.

Really?  What behavior, exactly, tipped them off?

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Only in Nepal… Nice, quiet Nepal…

A farmer in Nepal reportedly turned the tables on a venomous snake who bit him, chasing down the deadly cobra and biting it to death.

Source:  Fox News
Oh.  Okay.

[The farmer] then chased the snake down and bit it repeatedly.

“A snake charmer told me that if a snake bites you, bite it until it is dead and nothing will happen to you,”

Right.  I guess I knew that.  Of course… duh.  And all this time I’ve only been returning the bites of cobras one-for-one.

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Update:  Civilization as we know it is as doomed as the Romans.  Dog shaming online.  Oh yeah, that will show Fideaux or Fifi… they’ll boot up, check out Tumblr, and tuck tail and run.  Serves them right.

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