Archive for March, 2013




A number of idiots out there make a case for Zombie Jesus, which I find to be a hollow insult to Christianity, as in me saying “Ha. Ha. You guys are so funny I forgot to laugh.” (Feel free to look them up on your search engine of choice, but they are typically spiteful atheists or just mean-spirited so I will not link them.)

Then the thought occurred… “Would Jesus kill zombies?”

Cruel Wife laughed and answered my question with “That is the question for the ages.”

I bet He would. I cannot possibly imagine Jesus not smiting the poo out of any zombie he found, whether eating braaaaainnnns or just mindlessly minding its own business. If you look at “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” (John 6:31) I can honestly say that I would not want others eating my braaaaainnnns nor would I want to do the same to others.

Jesus and Lazarus came back smelling like roses and not at all interested in braaaaainnnns, so I just cannot see how you could make the argument that they were zombies themselves. The idiots who spout “Zombie Jesus” nonsense clearly did not think that one through.

So, I can now make the argument to Cruel Wife on this Easter Day that getting me a $500 gift certificate to Zombie Tools is a Good Idea.

(h/t to The Dude for passing that on – I’m sure he saw the Jack L. Katt post from yesterday and sent it to me to cheer me up)


Mack-Daddy-O – Zombie Tools


The Reaper – Zombie Tools

Those are just my preferences.

Already pointed out to CW… “Isn’t it interesting that they offer gift certificates starting at only $500?” She was lukewarm at the time but as that thought takes hold it will probably weigh in my favor.

I pointed out to her that even at around $400 either one of these would cost less than one payment on a Shelby GT 500. (I am sure I am awarded one point for that.)

Then I asked her if the fact that they were 5160 steel was a good thing. Good materials scientist that she is, she looked it up and said that yes they would make excellent swords, being essentially spring steel. (Another two points for appealing to her intellect.)

I asked her if it was good that they were hardened to Rockwell 53. She said “Oh yeah.” (Another additional point for further seeking out her expertise, I’m positive.)

Then, I pointed out that the company that makes them is in Montana, where she has familial ties. (Not sure if it helped, but how could it hurt?)

Then I pointed out their usefulness for BBQ. (Two points, easy-peasy.)

Next I shall point out their suitability for Home Defense, because they cannot fire through walls and indeed require no ammunition whatsoever.

I’ve got this one in the bag because the final point will be when I point out that “Jesus must be anti-Zombie. Food laws from the Old Testament went away but never once did He and the disciples feed multitudes with braaaaainnnns, they did not go out on boats to get braaaaainnnns, and at the last supper He mentioned eating of His body and drinking of His blood but never did He mention braaaaainnnns. Communion involves no braaaaainnnns whatsoever.”

One could even argue that one is closer to Godliness armed with such tools.

She cannot refute my logic.

Note: You may not read anything into the “communion involves no braaaaainnnns” sentence other than its original meaning, which is that I’ve never seen Communion involve anything other than wine and bread – the discussion surrounding transubstantiation is for another day.

I’m thinking that He would be more likely to go for this sort of Zombie Tool, however. It looks more traditional.


Ferrous Wolf – Zombie Tools

Anyway, happy Easter to all. Forget about Zombie Tools and think about what Easter is really about. Eggs, chocolate, Resurrection, naps – not in that particular order.

I hope no one was offended by this post because I believe God must have a sense of humor. If God is as humorless as some of His followers, then eternity is surely one long waiting room without magazines.


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Just a damn cat.

Well, the vet said she hadn’t been able to call us because the dummy had slipped his breakaway collar.

Few days ago he’d gotten hit by a car and when he was brought in she said there wasn’t any way she could save him – he was too badly banged up.


Damn, Amazon.com has EVERYTHING

So much for head-butts when I come home and catnaps on my lap with a 15-16 lb monster.  Damn cat.


Rest in peace, you Big Dummy.

Now we have to figure out how to tell Lemurita and HackerBoy.



It has now been 1451 days since the Tessa WoW Chainsaw-Seal Death Threat.  “Club a WoW Seal Today!”  Thanks to Rabid Alien for randomly saying something that reminded me of it.  It put a funny spot on an otherwise shitty day.

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The Bunny-Deere Coincidence.

Years ago, Cruel Wife ran over a nest of baby bunnies with a mower†.

Not a hare one a single one of those bunny heads was harmed, but it shook her up miserably for the afternoon.  She was distraught with the possibilities.

Possibilities?  Two words:

Wabbitburger Helper

Actual cuts of meat would have been impossible at that point.

Why bring it up?  Because it is almost Easter, that’s why.  I’m still going to suggest cooking either a rabbit stuffed with a chicken or a chicken stuffed with a rabbit.   Hasenchicken.  Chickabun.  Flopsycock.  (Scratch that last one, eh?)  Not sure how to sell that to the kids in a way that won’t cause discord.  Perhaps blended-meat meals like Turducken should remain apart.


Are we doomed as a culture since so many of us laugh at the above strip?   Are we just bad actors in the theater of history?

Nah.  That’s funny.

† We do not own a John Deere, although I can dream…


Still no sign of Jack L. Katt.  Flyers go up tomorrow but I’m not going to get my hopes up.  At this point if he comes home I’ll kill him for making me worry about his furry dumb ass.  Damn cat.

Jack, transplanted to daughter's bunkbed without rejection.

Archival Photo:  Jack L. Katt after transplantation to HackerBoy’s bunkbed without rejection.


An e:mail chain at work involved a discussion about “esperanto” and synthetic languages.  At some point Klingon was debated because it did not show up on a list of synthetic languages, starting when Black Lab on Methamphetamines said:

Klingon isn’t there either.  It’s a list of constructed languages meant to be used, not all constructed/fictional languages.

C0-worker Inscrutable Half-Breed replied:

I’m always astounded by how many geeks and nerds I’m surrounded with at all time.

<sniff>  I love you guys…

And characteristic for my attitude this week, I responded:

I don’t.  I don’t love you guys.

How about “I really intensely tolerate you guys”?   Is that good enough?

It’s been a long couple of weeks, actually.

I’m taking Monday off, handing the kids off to the sitter for a few hours, and going with Cruel Wife to go look at a high-end antiques store purely for the enjoyment of it.


If you can handle “disturbing sports injuries”, then may I suggest you scroll down to #1 on the list at Cracked.com?  That must’ve taken balls.

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Damn Heisenberg.

Easter is around the corner. I am probably a bad man for thinking Laconic Pup’s forwarding of this picture was the high point of my week.


In other news, we have looked – 3AM last night around the neighborhood, through the house last night and today, CW walked the neighborhood today, and I walked the neighborhood just as soon as I got off work. No sign of Jack L. Katt. I keep looking out the windows and back door but no sign. We thought he was just power-napping hard and now we have no idea where he is. I wish cats were crappier physicists.

Sigh. He’s just a damn cat for fuck’s sake. Damn cat.

Meanwhile, I check the doors and the windows when CW isn’t looking and imagine him meowing outside the window of the room I am in.

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Been working too hard lately so I tend to want to come home and stay away from computers. Wreaks havoc with blogging. This is done via iPad.

So I watch more TV, and saw this the other day… The billing reads like so:

Batbabe, the Dark Knightie

A voluptuous vigilante squares against a pr0n stealing criminal mastermind known as “the Jerker”.

Surprisingly CW and I found it to have very little redeeming qualities. And we haven’t even watched it. It is soft pr0n and not very good at that. The title is funny though.

Observant reader Mitchell noticed that a steampunk hat would cost me substantially less than a Shelby GT 500. He is right, and the linked hat is my favorite but I will hold out for the GT until all hope is crushed.

I think that in keeping with my leather gunslinger type coat I would probably go for this.

That is it for now. Nothing of major note for today.


Speaking of sinking low… really low.  Urine-controlled urinal video games.   I am… kind of worried for society.

Oh, the jewish holidays are bouncing around, Pesach, I thought.  On the Doyle show he quips “They’re looking for kosher cigarettes now.  You got your Camel lights, you got your Marlboro lights, and now you got your Israel lights.”

Don’t get me wrong – I love the jews and think we [USA] should be siding with them in lock-step.  I kid everybody I like.  It’s when I stop kidding you that we have problems.

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Good Paranoia.

I’m told by a reputable authority that there is good paranoia.  He’s very reputable, he says so himself, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

Why don’t we peruse one of the more disturbing ones?

Nancy Pelosi and her liberal lackeys are meeting behind closed doors with intent to molest your kitten. And you know who else tried to do that? Hitler.
 Holy shit-sucking leeches, Batman!
That sort of bombshell totally resonates with me.  They… want… to… molest… my… kitten.  Pelosi and her lib lackeys… the bastards.
From the same source… this one sounding even more on the mark.
The Nazis running the Democrat party are trampling on our values so they can revive eugenics and create a Master Race of Prius-driving hippie super soldiers.
Doesn’t that just ring true?  The way for that little endeavor will be smoothed by the DHS and Napolitano (armed, armored, droned, munitioned, and in full snoop-mode), in close concert with Ray LaHood (by his own admission reluctantly driving the FAA into the ground one airplane at a time), and I’m sure a little drone bombing from Atty Gen. Eric Holder and his butt-buddy Obama will help.
Well, both quotes came from the Glenn Beck Conspiracy Theory Generator.
That reputable source I mentioned before that vetted himself?  veeshir.  He’s going to be very happy if he can gain the status of an Internet Verb.  As in “This is bad.  I am so veeshir’ed.”  More power to him, I say.   If he manages it I might consider not boycotting his place for a while.  Maybe.
One last Conspiracy Generator:
The pot-smoking special interest groups that control the federal bureaucracy are perverting our culture so they can spread their global warming hoax and help Al Gore carry out his Final Solution to eradicate capitalism.  – GBCTG

That one wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t true.



Go on… pull my flipper…


Militant academic elitists are spying on you at this very moment as part of their agenda to strip us of our God-given right to hate our fellow man. – GBCTG


Shelby is announcing a 1200HP Mustang.  Just last week I saw a Shelby GT500 SuperSnake scoot down the road and it made me feel so inadequate I worried that I might have to get some adult stem cell organs grown – my testicles fell off as it left me in the dust.   That is MacLaren F1 territory right there but I doubt highly that the 1200 horses can be used for anything but straight-line racing.

I did ask Cruel Wife if I could configure/build a GT500.  With my choices of add-ons the price came to be $108.684.   I’m an expensive bitch.  She said no frelling way.


Gun deaths… the article puts it like so:

The statistical difference is dramatic, according to a Washington Post analysis of data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. A white person is five times as likely to commit suicide with a gun as to be shot with a gun; for each African American who uses a gun to commit suicide, five are killed by other people with guns.


Where a person lives matters, too. Gun deaths in urban areas are much more likely to be homicides, while suicide is far and away the dominant form of gun death in rural areas. States with the most guns per capita, such as Montana and Wyoming, have the highest suicide rates; states with low gun ownership rates, such as Massachusetts and New York, have far fewer suicides per capita.

Yeah, but how many of those 151 african-americans who are killed by other people with guns are killed by other black people with guns?  The authors are strangely reluctant to talk about that.  Sure enough, if you dig down into the sad stories mentioned, you can find that information.  The knowledge that a subculture is eating itself and then hypocritically has riots when one of their gun-wielding kids gets shot by cops isn’t a warm-fuzzy kind of knowledge, to be sure.


Lastly, Joe Weider is dead.  A chidhood hero has passed and he always had a positive word to say or advice to give.   I would say he lived well.  93 is a pretty good age to live for.

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Obamacare means never having to say “What can I do for you?”, it really means saying “What can I do for y’all?”

Imagine being grouped by symptoms – multiple patients, one doctor, all at once.

Could you end up with the Urination Discomfort Group – a Blonde Bimbo, a Soccer Mom, a Construction Worker, a Pregnant Cow, and a sweaty 475lb Wal-Mart transvestite greeter named Hubert all in the same room?

Imagine publicly working through the diagnoses:

  1. Take more breaks at work, you need to urinate more frequently
  2. Stop having an affair with different men every day and fill this prescription for an antibiotic
  3. Go to an Urgent Care to get the rivet taken out of your groin because the ER can’t take you with so many not-Amnesty folks
  4. The vet’s office is two floors up, and you know that, Bossie
  5. Hubert, the damp environment from your leather underwear has led to a UTI.  Again.

The LAST thing I want is to be grouped in with a Blonde.

Just wait until a burst appendix is elective outpatient surgery.  Then you’ll be sorry.

Apologies to the three-thousand seven-hundred and nineteen sweaty 475lb transvestite Wal-Mart greeters named Hubert that I have just mortally offended or embarrassed. 


Deerzarus, come forth.

Just in time for Easter, too.


Erik Ericson says on FoxNews in an op-ed piece about the autopsy of the RNC 2012 Election

What the autopsy misses out of the gate is that some times there is nothing that can be done. Bad election years are bad election years. Candidates like Josh Mandel were model candidates for the GOP who ran great races, but still lost. Some times it just happens.

“… some times there is nothing that can be done.  Bad election years are bad election years.”

The RNC at this point needs a DNR.  This is one patient that no one should expend heroic measures on.

We had McCain and then Romney.  McCain was at the time the lesser of evils but he has since fallen so far out of my favor that he’s never coming back.  Romney suffered from a serious case of Not-Great-ness.  Romney was like Breyer’s Vanilla Ice Cream.  Not bad but needed something to vault him into the realm of Greatness.  Unfortunately what we got was Vanilla Ice Cream and Beluga Caviar.  Beluga would have been better, Vanilla would have been ok, but Apple Pie and Vanilla Ice Cream just never left the pits.

The food metaphor went stale, then rancid, and rotted with that nasty slimy-pie and way-bad smell of spoiled milk products.  So sorry.

The talk is that the RNC needs to re-brand itself, stop being “Too white, too right, and too uptight”, and be more caring.  If I hear “re-branding” as a serious suggestion one more time someone is going to get a Super-Wedgie™.

Re-branding is bullshit.  Too white is ridiculous – it’s not about color.  We’ve got color in the White House and obviously that’s not the magic answer.  Uptight?  Ol’ Reservoir Tip has that covered, too.  Too right?   Nah.  Focus on that and you’re so far away from the correct answer that you’re not even wrong.

I know…

How about “Be a man”?  How about “Be a man of character”?  How about “Be the same man, no matter what the situation”?

Or woman.  Let’s not turn this into a gender thing.  Let’s keep this as an issue of being real vs. a creepy political silly-putty golem.

I think the Pope is the model of what is needed.

We need someone who is what they really are.  We need someone who isn’t apologizing for what they believe in because they don’t need to.  We need someone who wants something better, but that something better does not necessarily mean having that job as top dog.

You can analyze past presidents all you want.  You can look at the great failures and great successes and you can dice them up and analyze them to your heart’s content and miss what it’s really going to take.

Someone who cares, someone who has the capacity to lead, and their heart has to be bigger than their ego.  Haven’t seen that since 1981.


Speaking of ego and fitness for leadership, Nevada’s Harry “Whorehouse” Reid can’t even wait for forensics to figure out what happened before blaming the Hawthorne Army Depot deaths on the sequester.  This isn’t news as much as my observation about a lack of respect.

Geez, Reid… I know you are a scumbag little weasel but have some courtesy – wait a little bit before using a tragedy for your own gain.

Of course the Democrats are well known for never letting something serious go to waste.****

CNN’s Foreign Int’l Correspondent Ben Wedeman:

“He hasn’t actually done much in the way of real policy changes of initiatives, and he certainly is the hope and change pope, but he’s at the head of a body, the Vatican, that’s very resistant to change”

The Hope and Change Pope?  I didn’t think you could get any more insulting than Harry Reid, but I guess I was wrong.

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