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Archive for March 16th, 2013

Okay, look… I’ve seen enough weird sh*t come out of the woodworks this week that I’m upping the ratings level here to PG-13+ to cover some of these things.  I put bastardized leetspeak in for certain words because it is a smokescreen against the younger members of my family and to keep perv searches down a bit.  I’ll have some more weird shit to add tomorrow but for now it is 3:30am and it is nearly my bedtime.

Brits supply P@nd@ Pr0n™ movies to pandas with stagnant luv life.  Pr0n st@rs Hugh Mongous and Tiffany Teats, both WWF sponsors, donned panda outfits and donated their time and fluids to the cause.

Gosh, that was mighty nice of them, wasn’t it?

Of course now male pandas will slap the female’s butts and teats and achieve extra-coital climax on the female panda’s face just like Hugh and Tiffany show them.  Probably won’t get any more pandas out of the deal but the pandas will have a rockin wuv life as illustrated by pr0n st@rs.

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Here – have a horseshoe sculpture.  That’s pretty damn good – I don’t care who you are.

horseshoe-sculpture-21

 

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Maybe everyone heard this a long time ago (2 days on the internet is like forever, y’know?), but I only read it one day ago.  So I guess that is half of forever and I’m just now getting around to it.

Brown University is putting the learning back in education and tossing in/off real-world experience.  What are the topics?

4nic@tion 101, for starters.  The other is The Ultim@te Guide to Pro5t@t3 Pl3@5ur3.

The events are part of Brown University’s annual s3ck5 week, paid for by the student activities office.

The week of activities are set to conclude with a “Lace and Leather Burlsesque Show.”

A university spokesperson did not respond to requests for comment from Campus Reform or disclose how much funding had been deployed to fund the program.

On Monday, Brown also hosted a “4nic@tion 101” seminar as part of their s3ck5 week, which included topics such as “putting c0nd0m5 on with your mouth,” “petting kitties,” and “@n@1 adventures.”

I don’t much care if the student activities office funded this or not.  Why not host that down at the local gey bar?

I have a lesbian friend who called people that are “merely interested” in some of this stuff “NYN’ers”, as in Not Yet Notified, because it hasn’t really dawned on them that their wiring is hooked up differently yet.

Glickman will “talk about the common concerns that sometimes keep people from exploring it (and how to overcome them), tips for easy and pleasurable @n@l p3n3tr@tion, pro5t@t3 massage, which toys work best for pro5t@t3 fun, pegging, combining pro5t@t3 pleasure with other kinds of s3ck5, and much more,” it continues.

Following the presentation the school will host a night of “s3ck5 and chocolate in the dark” where students are advised to “bring blankets, pillows, friends, and questions for a night of cozy conversation in a dark, anonymyzing [sic] space.”

Got that?  Come for a nice powerpoint presentation and then y’alls can sit around in a conveniently darkened room and practice it in a non-threatening group atmosphere, but we’ll be discreet and cover ourselves with blankies.

You know I’m not a gay basher – I couldn’t condone the acts because they aren’t biblically supported, but I sure as hell am not going to go back to my old ways of spewing sh*t about them as people.  They’re people and no more or less a sinner than I.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t call creepy when I sees it.  Brown University has so many creepy crawlies they need to erect a tent over the school and fumigate it.

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Hey, who here likes eggs?  What’s more s3ck5ual than the unfertilized ovum of a domesticated fowl?  Freakin’ yummy, too.  I happen to love prepared chicken embryos in every way possible (to cook them, not engage in frantic acts of fruitless copulation with them).  Says CBS San Francisco:

A San Francisco food producer wants to make you an omelet without breaking any eggs – and they may be able to do it with one key ingredient they make in a lab – no chicken required.

[snip]

That’s right – Tetrick claims Hampton Creek has improved on the egg. They call their product “Beyond Eggs.”

“It’s made up of a variety of plants, including peas. We use different gums. We use a host of different plant-based protein sources,” Tetrick explained.

It’s hard to believe a blend of plants can imitate not only the taste of an egg, but the ability to whip up into foam like an egg, or coagulate into gel like an egg, but Tetrick said his team is clever about selecting plants that not only replicate, but surpass the egg in food products.

Look, if I want to eat something that tastes like an animal I want there to be an animal involved.  I want to take down that cow with my teeth if such a notion occurs.  I want to shatter the protective shell around that chicken embryo and fry it in butter.  I want to eat a corn dog and know that it was made with the finest chicken lips and assholes, pork snouts, and beef tendons that the industry has to offer.  I want a picture of the lamb next to my plate when they bring me a rack of lamb.

Has anyone made a “veggie” dish that actually was made entirely of meat?

I grew up with a cow named Herbie.  He was a great cow.  Friendly, followed you around, let you scratch his forehead… he was a good cow, Herbie was.  And then he made great burgers (HerbieBurgers) and steaks and all manner of yummy stuff.  Later Dad had two cows in the pasture named T-bone and Rump Roast.  Dropped the pretense entirely.  They were delicious with ketchup and a pickle.

Not only is it hard to believe a blend of plants can imitate an egg, I don’t believe it.  I’m also painfully aware of how bad butter used to be for us until the medical journal “EVERYBODY PANIC” was published that said that the Holy Sacrament of Margarine was found to be a tool of the devil.

So screw the vegan egg bullshit.  Tomorrow I am introducing Lemurita to Spam™.  I have been letting her know that “nearly food” products can be darned tasty.  Hell, we may even make Spam™ Kimbap.  What’s that?  You say you want to try some Spam™ Nasi Goreng?  Maybe Pad Krapow with Spam™ instead of beef.

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Joe Biden says: “It’s just easier to blow someone’s brains out with a shotgun”.

“Sweetheart, what are you going to do after you shoot the guy in the arm and he starts chasing you around the house?” Biden looked at the woman and winked. “You gonna outrun him in your chair? Because at that point you’ve really pissed him off. Do you know what some creep is going to do to you after you’ve put a bullet in his arm? Trust me, I’ve read some of those police reports and frankly, it’s too sickening to share with you. You’re only asking for trouble if you don’t blast that fella’s head off and I’m tellin’ ya, it’s just easier to blow someone’s brains out with a double barrel shotgun.”

Classic Joe, right?

With time for one last question, a woman said she was uneasy about the horrific physical repercussions of shooting an intruder in the head with a double barrel shotgun.

“Look, it’s gonna be a little messy,” Biden sighed. “But you know what I always tell Jill? I look her in the eye and ask, whose brains do you want them scraping off the walls of our home? Yours, or the guy you prevented from stealing our toaster?” Mr. Biden looked at his audience. “It’s just that simple.”

The vice president closed his notes and smiled at the nursing home residents.

“Look folks, the fact of the matter is, America’s trauma scene cleanup crews are the best in the world, bar none. A couple of hours after they do their magic you’ll be eating meatloaf with your grand kids in the same kitchen that just hours before was dripping with some hooligan’s grey matter. Now, whatcha waitin’ for? Go buy a shotgun!”

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