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Archive for June 5th, 2013

I have weturned… again.

My buddy Spaced Diode has been sailing to Bermuda and arrived there on Sunday.bmudaHe’s there now.  I begged him to let me go on the trip – it was five days non-stop sailing in shifts.  I said “Let me cook, or clean, or… I’ll be an anchor!  Yeah!  I’ll be an anchor and I’ll scrub the bottom of the boat while it’s underway!”

If I were still single or without kids I would have flown to Bermuda and made sure I was on the dock sipping a Dr. Pepper as he sailed up and said “Hey, where the $*#)(%^ have you been?”   It would rock him on his oh-so-rational-heels.

He was concerned about sea-sickness prior to leaving.  Said the Dramamine patch has been known to trigger psychoses.  (I suggested using three to five units at all times but no more than six because then, yes, there are some side effects bordering on a true psychotic break).  Then there was the concern about nasty-mannered whales and ballast-blowing submarines.

I promptly mentioned rogue waves, meteorite impacts in the ocean, tsunamis, giant squid, forests of jellyfish, and zombie manatees.

When he gets back we’re going to go on a 1-2 day sail on Lake Michigan.  Leave the wives and kids behind and enjoy two days of silence.  And talk about geeky shit.

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The Dept. of Homeland Insecurity assures us that laptops and phones can be searched based on hunches.  Note the wording and the order of said wording:

It contends limiting such searches would prevent the U.S. from detecting child pornographers or terrorists and expose the government to lawsuits.

Well, who doesn’t think it is a good idea to catch child-ped-pr0n’ers?  And while we’re at it we’ll catch terrorists, too!  So let us search your shit, too, you perv.  – TSA Commandant Sausagefingers McPhee as he genuflected towards Obama’s life-sized halo’ed marble statue (the one where he’s riding Karl Rove with a saddle and spurs)

This reminds me in a lot of ways of Mitchell’s favoritest movie – Blade Runner.  Deckard goes to meet a replicant named Zhora, who is a nude dancer and he is pretending to be an authority.

Deckard: I’m not here to make you join. No ma’am. That’s not my department. Actually, uh. I’m from the, uh, Confidential Committee on Moral Abuses.

Zhora: Committee of Moral Abuses?

Deckard: Yes, ma’am. There’s been some reports that the management has been taking liberties with the artists in this place.

Zhora: I don’t know nothing about it.

Deckard: Have you felt yourself to be exploited in any way?

Zhora: How do you mean, exploited?

Deckard: Well, like to get this job. I mean, did you do, or– or were you asked to do anything that’s lewd or unsavory or otherwise, uh, repulsive to your person, huh?

Zhora: Ha. Are you for real?

Deckard: Oh yeah. I’d like to check your dressing room if I may.

Zhora: For what?

Deckard: For, uh, for holes.

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If you’ve [done_something_here] and experienced five or more of the following symptoms, [snip] you’ve probably been [catastrophic_occurrence]: restlessness, nervousness, excitement, insomnia, flushed face, diuresis (having to pee a lot), gastrointestinal disturbance, muscle twitching, rambling flow of thought and speech, tachycardia or cardiac arrhythmia, periods of inexhaustibility or psychomotor agitation (unintentional motion, say, rapidly bouncing one leg).

So, what could cause all that?  It’d pretty much have to be high doses of cocaine or crystal meth, right?

No, the writers of the new Metrosexual DSM-V Psychiatric Guidelines apparently have a need, a physically-manifesting burning need that somehow mimics chlamydia, to add whole new sections so that most anyone can be classified as at least something.  That something will either have an ObamaCare billing code attached to it – OR – it will have a flag that makes you ineligible to be a legal owner of a weapon.  That is my supposition, based on absolutely nothing other than full-fledged paranoiac tendencies fueled by lots of…  you’ll see.

That description above is the description for drunk on caffeine.  The syndrome?

In December 2011 when caffeine withdrawal was announced as being “recommended for inclusion” in the DSM-5, work-group member Alan J. Budney attempted to address the controversy:

“We feel that there is enough data to support a caffeine-withdrawal syndrome. There are enough people who go into withdrawal — that if they don’t get caffeine, it becomes a real syndrome and can affect work, sleep, or whatever they need to do. So we’re suggesting that it ‘make the big leagues’ and become part of the DSM to make sure everyone is aware of it.”

Caffeine withdrawal is a mental disorder.

I call BS, because I am at this very moment chilling down from a long workday with an 8oz Red Bull™.  If I was mentally disordered it would be at least a 12oz size.

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They say that this is a dog and not a fleecy towel with a nose sewn on.

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Apparently kittens can be disabled and make us look like whiny bastard pieces of shit without even trying.  But they do it cutely.

This kitten has been nicknamed ‘Squitten’ after being born with a deformity in her front paws that means she sits and walks on her hind legs like a squirrel.
Petal, a five-month-old, suffers from a rare condition that means she has no bones after the elbow joint in her front legs so they are permanently bent inwards.
She is unable to run like other felines and has no choice but to either waddle on her rear legs or slouch forward onto her crooked limbs.

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