Archive for August, 2013

Freaky Friday.

This will be a post in parts.

Lemurita and I are in Oregon visiting my dad. It is an awesome trip and I am loving hanging out with her. It is really nice to spend time with her without sibling rivalry. It is the first time I have ever done so and it is the first time Cruel Wife and HackerBoy have done the same.

Anyhow, she stayed with her aunt and uncle last night and I drove out to their house today. She had fun with her cousins SaladGirl and GameBoy.

My brother-in-law said today “You like Halloween, right?”

You know how I love Halloween.

He then said “Want to see the costume I am working on?”

So he showed me his “Babyface” costume.

This is NSFC (not safe for children)…


Is that not creepy? I loved it.

He wants to start a “Rude Roadhouse Bar and Grill – Where you will eat your damn vegetables” and he wants me to cook there. We have established that the waitresses must chew on cigar stubs and have naughty tattoos. Feel free to chime in with your suggestions.

Next is a goat at my sister’s house/farm/menagerie. I was introduced to her and gave her some goat-scritches. Then I gave her a goat-massage of her goat-shoulders (no, get your heads out of the gutters, people). Then we moved on to see other farm critters. I said to my sister, The Mad Felter, “One thing I know is goats.”

“How do you know goats?”

“Neighbors three houses down from dad’s place had them. I sure love getting out in the country again. If the zombie apocalypse happens I will get the family, we’ll fight our way across the country and come live with you, ok? We work hard and will bring our own zombie-killin’ tools.”


Just then I got knocked to the side gently by the goat, who demanded more shoulder massages.


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i go with Lemurita to Oregon tomorrow. We will visit my dad and sister. He cannot travel so it will be good to see him wi the girl.

We leave behind Cruel Wife and HackerBoy. It is a win for CW because she can hang out with HackerBoy AND Jake the Pool Boy. And HackerBoy gets total Mom time, a better Wii playing partner, a waterpark, and deep-fried fish and chips.

Pisses me off since we don’t even have a pool but I will get over it, I guess.

My daughter can hold my hand and keep me from freaking on the plane. Valium will help, too, I am sure. I would rather douse myself in turpentine and belly-crawl through broken glass while buck naked.

I don’t have much to say so i will post a video of pure evil. I snorted tea hard enough to get a teabag string and bag-tag stuck in a tearduct.

If this video doesn’t post I will fix it a bit later. Damn iPad blogging software.

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Dribs and drabs.

Posting in increments tonight.

Alert reader Black Lab on Amphetamines sent me this wonderful picture.

It is from The Telegraph, and I would just link it but they have had pics disappear (July 1, 2013) before and this is priceless.

I was looking for alternate programming since our satellite signal is down. so i hunt through to find LA Story. Cruel Wife says “If we are getting up much earlier to get the kids to school we have to get to bed earlier. i cannot remain this exhausted.”

“Wuss” I said.

She turns throws her right arm high in the air (about 4ft 6in) and says “That’s me! Queen Wuss!”

“May I use that?”

“Very very carefully.”

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Where there is smoke…

Cruel Wife came out to show me what she has done and helped me in the shop with moving the bigger stuff around to get ready for the contractor. She’s not very big, but she’s strong. Her first baby come out sideways – she didn’t scream or nuttin. **snorrrrrt-snort-snttt**

15 points if you can guess the movie reference.


About 30-40 min later HackerBoy came running out to the shop hollering “There is something on fire on the stove!”

So we ran back to the house to find it filled with thick heavy smoke. You have NO IDEA how much smoke can come from burning rice. File that away for future reference next time relatives outstay their welcome.

Oh boy oh wow, it is hours later and the house still reeks of it.

Don’t worry, the cats are ok.

I told CW that I am not as fond as all that of brown rice. Used to be white. Now, not so much.

She was all embarrassed but as I pointed out, the boy did the exact right thing and nothing was hurt. All good. Exceptin’ maybe the smoke.

No idea where the goat came from… Might have stolen it from Laura but I put less than 5 percent on that possibility.


I have had that happen with other ruminants. And it is embarrassing every time.

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Sometimes, like today, I haven’t much to say. Alert reader Black Lab on Amphetamines alerted me to this pic. Yes, it has been done. Yes there are a million of them on the net.

This one looks like my kitten who turns 1 year old tomorrow, so I am using it.


And this, just because.



And this one I ask… Why?

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By now you have figured out that the biggest thing to happen to me in a decade (that was pure fun) was our recent trip to Texas.

What you do not know is the dark and seedy underbelly of Texas, at least their part in what I suspect to be a global conspiracy.

My kids were very excited at Sea World – they were getting to see Shamu. The first two pics are Shamu at Sea World, in Texas.

shamu2 shamu1

This next pic is Shamu in Los Angeles.


These are all three different than I remember as a kid in Los Angeles.

I suspect that this “Shamu”… is not the same whale in any of the appearances. If “Shamu” is even his real name.

Yes. It is THAT DARK.

Hey, speaking of attention whores, have a look at Lady Gaga.


Lady Gaga. The most miserable excuse for a human being since Marilyn Manson.

Now look at two non-attention-whores who were having a lot of fun with a boa. Lemurita and HackerBoy love snakes.

LemuritaBoa-081513 HackerBoyBoaThis still doesn’t fix the problem with the damn killer whale and the issue of the geckos in Texas having a drawl and not a cockney brit accent, which I’ve come to expect if I’m going to save 15% or more in 15minutes or less when buying my car insurance over the phone.

More later. It is 2:30am.

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All righty then.  We have returned to Michigan.  Tired, slightly saddened at leaving friends, glad to be home, and delighted to be in our comfy beds with warm furry kitties at hand.

HackerBoy was in tears.  Lemurita and I were zombies.  Cruel Wife was semi-comatose.  Aggie got us on the train though.

Since I have access to only my camera at the moment, I’ll show some pics going backwards in the vacation to Deepest Darkest Hottest Texas the Part That Burns Your Retinas Out (DDHTPTBYRO).  This is the stuff from the second-to-last day.

All pics get bigger if you click on them.  I think.

The honorable evil Jedi Master, Mr. Sith, offered to teach Lemurita and HackerBoy how to hunt for Texas Geckos.  Here is Lemurita and HackerBoy’s first independently caught gecko.


Dang. Haven’t even licked my eyes lately and you just flashed me with a camera.

We visited a snake farm.  With Lemurs.


Deep in thought but with a thousand yard stare.

Next, I will show you a picture not from the snake farm but something one might wish for on the farm in certain heightened circumstances.

This is a famous machete that is purported to be very very useful for killing zombies.  Note the zombie blood and gristle on the blade.


Zombie-Killing Machete™

THIS is the Boomslang that kept licking its scaly little chops at me, making me wish I had a Zombie-Killing Machete™ with me…  He was eyeballing me and I was eyeballing him twice as hard.


THIS is a cougar.  No, not the frisky slightly-older-woman type, but the big kitty that purrs kind.


What do you mean, smile? I AM smiling.

Have a nice green Verdi-Boa or something like that.  Eldest Sith could probably tell me the real name of it.  I was too busy trying to snap pics to pay much attention, sadly.


Snake. Yawning. Charming and creepy.

A Peahen was looking regal so I snapped one of Her Majesty.


Here is a black lizard Tree Monitor thing.


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It is with a grateful and heavy heart that we prepare to leave the Siths in Darkest Deepest Hottest Texas.

We all had fun and were charmed and touched by turns by the entire family and their generosity of heart, spirit, time, and laughs.

We were treated to good food, good conversation, great tour guides, learning experiences, lessons for the kids.

So, in a strange mix of sadness at leaving and desire to see our own home, we leave the Siths and board a train bound for the land of “Are you talking to me?” Instead of pleases, thank you, and y’all’s.

I would like to hope that we were able to give something back – experiences, conversations, joking, eating, and sharing.

So I have to say: gosh I will miss these folks but also I miss being able to kick my own cat.

Stay tuned. I hope to have Lemur pics from today fairly soon.

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Hospitality of the Sith

We had a great trip to Texas on the train. It was long and mostly uneventful except for a transient and his dog on the tracks outside of Saint Louis. The food was excellent, with Cruel Wife opting for dead cow steaks and me gnawing on braised beef ribs.

We are now visiting the Sith(s).

Our kids enjoy the company of theirs and vice-versa. Mr. Sith (Mr. Aggie) and I see many things in a similar way and enjoy keeping our kids’ minds flexible.

Southern hospitality is a nice change from Detroit’s studied indifference. I could live in this area without a great deal of trouble.

The only truly disturbing thing was a grocery store mascot whose costume is that of a giant paper bag full of giant groceries that look wholly inedible. Truth be told the fake groceries look mildly nauseating. All three times I saw it I got the heebiedejeebies. As it passed me in the aisle it touched me (no, not in that way) and I creeped out a bit. But it scurried away after a short burst of harsh language and a swipe at its produce.

Hackerboy played video games and Lemurita learned from Aggie how to fold books into some kind of ornamental fan thing which completely captured her attention. Mr. Aggie took myself and Lemurita outside this evening and taught her how to catch geckos with some secret ninja-lizard-catching trick. She very nearly caught one but held several.

All in all their reputation for evil seems a bit misplaced but the week is not done yet. A Sith mind-choke-pinch thingy could come at any moment. For the moment I shall continue to sleep with one eye open.

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I have been working more than i would prefer but am purposely scaling back prior to our vacation to see The Siths.

Housekeeper and Tender of the Beests, check. Bills paid, check. Time off, check, check, check. Train tickets, check. Packed and ready to go, not so checked.

Yes, train. We are taking a train to see the Siths in Deepest Darkest Texas. We will smoke meat, spend money (wimmenfolk and chilluns), and escape by fishing somewhere (me and Mr. Sith). I have packed the dry rub, which is of paramount importance.

Here is a pic of me trying to explain to CW last week why I had to work late again.


Speaking of CW… She sent me this today. Great one.


The shop is nearly wired. In a few weeks the contractor will start on getting it ready to put in a concrete pad. I am in a tizzy but my calm demeanor may be at odds with that declaration. Just tired.

Have a pic of Melody and Jilly-boo. Note the kitten’s size and her submissive stance around Jill.


Now have a pic of Mel and Jill intently watching Hackerboy’s tuna fish sandwich. Note their clear hesitation at getting too close.


Hackerboy was busy using Cruel Wife’s iPad and email account this morning when I got up… he was fixin’ to send a message to the makers of a video game, expressing his displeasure at their game. The kid is seven. We need to watch him more closely.

A side project of mine is playing with LED lighting. On Amazon I got 15′ rolls of LED’s for $13. I took an old train caboose lantern that already had red glass and installed a pipe for heat conduction and wrapped the LED’s around it, ending up with a lantern that makes an awesome night light. It won’t keep you awake but is excellent for seeing at night when you get up to answer nature’s call. Either that or we can open a brothel.


I am currently figuring out how to mount a 4-5 inch lens in a brass ring, ala-steampunk, and internally ring the lens with green LED’s. It is a surprise for CW… Shhh, don’t tell.

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A week ago I went with a friend to “be there” while she got a real diagnosis on some skin cancer that has, uh… gone beyond.

It wasn’t pleasant but the news that there is a 70-80% chance that it hasn’t gone on a jaunt through her body is better than we envisioned prior to going in there.  It seemed quite grim before.  So there is a chance.

Add to that the shoulder MRI and cortisone shot and lots of work hours and I’ve been a bit waterlogged.

But I could be worse!

I have a stark bat-crap crazy co-worker who is such an illogical emotional flaming liberal that he actually annoys me.  I found this somewhere – I’ll dig it up first chance I get – and it just FITS…  He does this almost daily, sometimes baiting me just so he can pull what we now at work refer to as a Papa Foxtrot (Poo Flinging).


Alert reader The Dude has kept me fed with lots of images gathered from God only knows where.


My favorite because it has attitude.


This snail has ambition. Hard to knock snails with ambition.


This is why fathers protect their daughters.




This dispenser would be empty far more than the regular scotch tape and that only lasts hours.

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