Filling in the cracks.
March 15, 2014 by Lemur King
I had a visit to the dentist today.
My old dentist (Dr. Dremel) would never give me gas and he kept pushing vanity work on me so after a while I did not want to see him anymore. And he was a cruel bastard.
Flashback: I had wisdom teeth ground, carved, chiseled out of my head and jaw when I was 19 or 20. I picked up insights along the way.
- Wisdom teeth can require a general, thank God.
- An oral surgeon can have a name like Dr. Slaughter. I am not making this up. That IS his real name.
- You can go dry socket in two teeth for FIVE DAYS before you are desperate enough to drive 200 miles to see your family dentist to help you when your surgeon is a shite-eating bastard who won’t help you.
- The stuff they pack in the dry sockets smells like medical-grade cotton blended with a heavily creosoted telephone pole.
- Creosote is apparently much like the water of life for bone exposed to air.
- You can try to kiss the dentist’s feet but a good one has the decency to let you kiss his ring instead.
- A Taco Bell burrito supreme loses something in translation when you run it through a blender.
Back to my old dentist, Dr. Dremel… If you got zinged by something he did and gurgle-shrieked “Erg!” he would reply “You’re welcome.” Tell me that isn’t a guy who tortures crippled hamsters with a rusty fork.
This “you’re welcome” treatment after having pain dished out was like seeing a dominatrix without a reward at any time – humiliating and yet you are paying top dollar. The smartass treatment was pretty entertaining the first six or seven (even eight) times but it stopped being chucklacious after that. No gas and getting popped, being flossed with piano wire, and no sticker or sugar-free sucker, I decided I was done with dentists. And somewhere along that path I came to fear dentists. Well, not FEAR fear, I just had horrible unbearable anxiety whenever I thought of a dentist, which is beyond weird if you grow up with a dental hygienist for a mother.
Stopped for… Just over six years. I have a coworker who has not been to a dentist in 23 years, so stop judging me.
After six months of mildly severe pain in a lower molar I relented and went for a checkup. I can be stubborned. One small cavity and one cracked filling, which explained the pain. I was more than happy to get that fixed.
Experienced more things.
- Gas is niiiiiiizzzzze, and I think they broke out the nice dry white wine of nitrous. Whatever, it was a nice vintage, a good week in nitrous.
- They will dial to eleven if you beg, and I can put a skid row wino to shame when it comes to begging.
- The Piano Guys are pretty good even in the dentist’s office when gassed and four hands are crammed into your mouth.
- When the dentist asks you if you can open a little wider and you comply by popping your jaw out, they sort of get freaked out.
- 65% of your face can be numb with enough novocaine.
- I never needed it before but the second injection is something like a million cc’s of novocaine cut with sulfuric acid.
- Bite splints are amazingly expensive. They must be made from gold flakes and filler made from the bones of endangered species.
- I still don’t know my dentist’s name. Let’s call him “Niiiiiiizzzzze Dentist”
- No, you cannot have a “doggie bottle” of gas to take to work.
The only surprise was when he used a machinist’s roughing cutter to prep the surface for the ceramic stuff.
The office gal asked me how it went. I said, “Well, there was some amount of tears, cursing, and whining.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Yeah, the doc is such a baby. I didn’t even bite him that hard.”
I stumbled from the office with my fraction of a face and went in to work. No pain! Yay, me! It was heavenly.
It was heavenly until the novocaine wore off, that is. Now my entire left lower jaw throbs. I had a meatball sandwich for dinner – soft food.
Tylenol is a miracle drug, and how.
I have to ask… What in hell is wrong with society that people don’t get weirded out by suggestions like this? What is the point of prison? Punishment? Punitive action? Rehab?
Make us proud, Colorado.