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Archive for the ‘Dr. Lemur’s Advice’ Category

Dear Dr. Lemur,

I am a father of a 14 year old who is totally obsessed with Facebook. She is on it constantly.

My only recourse was to write up a contract and pay her $200 for her username and password. The agreement is that she will stay off of Facebook for five months. I have attached the contract for you to see.

WhatDoesFailureLookLike

Did I do the right thing?

Father Paul in Boston

***********************************

Father Paul,

You absolutely did the right thing if you want to demonstrate to your daughter that you are just as impotent and jelly-spined as you seem.

In fact, you should probably just give her a credit card with the instructions that if she goes over $2000 in a month you two will have to go get a root beer float (sometime) and talk about ways to reduce her spending, but only when she is ready.

You might also ask her what car she wants when she turns 16 so you can start saving up for the down-payment and get the paperwork on a second mortgage rolling so you can float the insurance.

Let her also know that curfews are also just suggestions and that you trust her to “do the right thing” in all circumstances and you won’t question her judgement because obviously kids really are pretty wise when you get down to it. They are just smaller versions of adults, after all.

She plans on spending the money on “stuff” so you can rest easy and know that with your strong parenting skills she won’t fill the void in her already empty life with baser pursuits like drugs and alcohol.

Keep your spirits up, Father Paul. Someday they will have spine and testicle transplants and you will be able to feel like a useful part of society again. And if things go wrong, society will still be there to pick up and support your precious snowflake.

You could try spending time with your daughter if all else fails.

– Dr. Lemur

****

Wow, gang, it sure is inspirational when Dr. Lemur cures what ails someone, isn’t it? From here on out, Father Paul’s life will be smooooth sailing.

Ok, forgive me if any of you are Facebook users (Cruel Wife, Aggie). But you must realize that I see a huge difference between mom-wives who work their asses off to the point where socializing with adults in real-life is darned difficult (and other adults who do the same) and kids who haven’t yet learned how to develop relationships in meatspace. Kids gotta learn how to connect with physical people first, and then later learn how to make connections however you can in this busy world. That’s what childhood is for, for heaven’s sake.

(see original news article here)

Speaking of meatspace…

Haven’t had the inclination to get to it but I actually got some sleep last night and suddenly found myself with the capacity/energy to mock the Brits (if one of my favorite TV hosts, Jeremy Clarkson, can mock us Americans then I say I can mock them, too). It’s old news but the media keeps making sausage of the story so I’ll have fun with it:admission

Seriously, meat is meat. So the animal was “cute”, or Not Commonly Accepted As Food, or some such thing… if you ate it and enjoyed it, and there were no little insects/bugs or human parts in it, and it was cooked to your satisfaction… Hell, if you have ever eaten sushi, not a word about horse, m’kay?

Shame on BK’s supplier for misrepresenting horse as cow, but move on. It’s not just BK, it’s also Findus UK who got hit by it with their Neighing Lasagna. Tell you what – with the ultra-high cost of beef right now, send all that stuff to me at half price and I’ll take it off your hands.

****

A week ago my sister helped a neighbor get a goat to an auction and came home with a ewe and a lamb. Her husband was irked but she wrote to me and said “We’re naming them Baaaahbra and Lamb Chop. Know any good recipes for lamb?”

I assured her that fast on the BBQ as ribs/chops was an awesome way to go.

She later wrote to me and said “HOW CAN YOU *EAT* ‘CUTE’?”

I replied simply, “Easy. Rare to medium-rare.”

****

veeshir… I am not responding to the taunts at your blog because we are boycotting each other, after all.

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Yowch.

All right people, a PSA from Dr. Lemur…

Discography, Discogram:  (DIS-coh-gram) n.  A procedure whereby a huge large-diameter needle is inserted clear through the neck of a strapped-down person in order to inflate discs between vertebrae on the opposite side of the neck in an attempt to reproduce or make worse the patient’s symptoms, performed without sedative so as to ensure accurate results.  Extremely effective at confirming bad discs when it works, meaning that the pain levels can be very intense.

Interviewer:  So, Dr. Lemur, you say you have heard anecdotal evidence suggesting that the procedure is no picnic, and just yesterday experienced it for yourself.

Dr. Lemur:  It should be noted that the following day is no picnic, either.

Interviewer:  Can you shed any light on the nature of the sensation when they inflate the damaged discs?

Dr. Lemur:  Certainly.  Close your eyes, take a deep breath… now visualize slamming your penis in an electrified sliding glass door frame.  Mentally transport your screaming genitals and place them in the appropriate location along your spine and you’re reasonably close to the reality.

Interviewer:  But.. but… I don’t have male genitalia…

Dr. Lemur:  I don’t have breasts but evidence suggests that visualizing a particularly nasty titty-twist followed by a mammography procedure that uses a searing-hot electrified x-ray apparatus would be sufficient.  As before, mentally transport your screaming boob to the appropriate location along your spine.

Dr. Lemur:  Do you have any other questions?  You have turned a rather pale shade of green…

Interviewer:  No.  No, that’s all for now.  Thank you, Dr. Lemur.

Perhaps that was a bit of embellishment.  Today is pretty uncomfortable all the same.

****
XKCD never fails to make me laugh, however.

Proof of Zermelo's well-ordering theorem given the Axiom of Choice: 1: Take S to be any set. 2: When I reach step three, if S hasn't managed to find a well-ordering relation for itself, I'll feed it into this wood chipper. 3: Hey, look, S is well-ordered.

****

Update:  As Aggie Sith noted in comment #1, this next segment has been found to be a steaming load of hoaxy bullsh*t.

Hell may not have fury like that of a woman scorned, but don’t be so quick to discount the guys, either.

Cheated lover tats back.

I wonder if anyone has picked up on the wry humor of it all, that they’ve merely proven that they were made for each other.

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In the mailbag:

Dear Dr. Lemur –

My cousin has asked me to become their friend on FaceBook.  I think she is a soul-less heartless monster for the way she has screwed one of her brother’s kids out of his inheritance and feel towards her exactly the way this quote puts it:

If I’d known my niece was going to turn out as she has, I would have gotten my sister a dingo for a baby shower present.  – leeann (a blogger)

Except I feel that someone should have sent the dingo to my aunt, instead – maybe even two dingoes just to be sure the job had been done.

What should I do?

Signed,

Wary Kitty in Kalamazoo

Dr. Lemur:  Well, Kitty, a little constructive criticism would do wonders, so if I may offer some that could provide you with needed assistance…?  Kitty, listen carefully because this is important, get a grip on your shoulders and pull your head out of your ass.  Just because this radioactive hose-beast is “family” by no means obligates you to have anything to do with her.

Take two Midol, grow a spine, and tell the creature to take a hike.

****

I’ll say this:  I don’t know why I chose the title I did.  Don’t try to make sense of it.

I can tell you that there is great news and that is that I had a consulting surgeon, probably one of ten in the country, who said that he loves surgery but doesn’t want to cut me open because he doesn’t think it will help.

“Sure, if you go see more surgeons one will cut you open, but I wouldn’t do it,” he said.

“Well, thank you, doc,” said I, and Cruel Wife sighed a sigh of relief along with me.

But, he says, the type of injury is most likely soft-tissue injury that’s just not healed and it’s referred pain.

I don’t know, perhaps that is code for “No idea what’s doing it,” but when I asked him “So you’re telling me that this is not in my head?” he said “Oh, no, it’s real.”

So, in some ways it is great news but in other ways we’re back to square one, with no real solution.  Regardless, I am going to see a longer-term pain management and I’m going to insist that we do something, anything, to manage this without the opiate-based painkillers which are just (a) not good for long-term pain control, and (b) a real pain in the ass for an engineer.  There are other solutions that are being used in Europe and I’ll bring that up with him but my first choice is what can we do to change the referred stuff.  For whatever reason, ligaments in my neck have impersonated my left arm and hand, and are doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme crappy job of the whole affair.

****

Hey, if you haven’t seen it, check out the movie “Aaah! Zombies!!” (Wasting Away).   How can you not like a movie where the story is from the zombie’s perspective and the “agent of change” is green goo in a barrel labeled “Baby Formula” that is then mixed into soft-serve ice-cream that uses cheap beer as an ingredient?  You can’t, I say.

****

How much longer to we have to put up with Team Obama, again?

I’m experiencing failure to achieve liftoff in my guesses as to how they could alienate struggling and out-of-work families even more than they already have.  Then there are the fortunates like my family that still chafe at having to pay a lot of money to support everyone else (we are comfortable but we are not rich, nor do we feel secure in this economy).  And then there are the affluent who are probably getting tired of being Obama’s financial whipping-boy – whenever he gets blamed for something he talks about how evil the rich are and how raising their taxes even more is really just them paying their fair share.

This is enough to make one ill, especially when you think what, for example, $1000 means to you personally.  Now think about how many people who pay thousands of dollars (at a minimum) in taxes while these classless clowns could get their African Vacation.  A lot of people haven’t had a proper vacation in years because of the economy, or even had a job… Sure being President is a hard job and the family of the President does have stress, but you can’t tell me they are more stressed than the family that is getting foreclosed on and hasn’t yet figured out where they can go.

Although ignored by most of America’s liberal-dominated media, several online US news sites are reporting that Michelle Obama’s grand tour of southern Africa earlier this year cost American taxpayers nearly half a million dollars – and that’s just for the flights. This follows in the wake of claims this August from sources inside the White House itself that the First Lady may have spent “$10 million of taxpayers’ money on vacations alone in the past year.”  – Nile Gardiner

Live it up, douchebags.  Your first-term presidency time is running out and the election is growing nearer every day.  I doubt a second term is in the stars.

****

The idea of mountain coasters (mini rollercoasters on mountainsides) makes me think of Action Park (aka Traction Park).

It sounds like a GREAT idea!  What could go wrong?

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Update:

Obama, honey… is it supposed to be this soft?

****

I have heard of Adult Babies before.  Paraphilic Infantilism.

Let’s pretend that this guy has written to Dr. Lemur for his advice on how to handle society’s bias against PI’s.

Dear Dr. Lemur,

I am an adult baby.  I am thirty and a half years old.  I am being told by adults that being given money by the government for my condition is wrong.

I wrote to the Washington Times the following letter:

“You wanna test how damn serious I am about leaving this world, screw with my check that pays for this apartment and food. Try it. See how serious I am. I don’t care,” the California man said. “I have no problem killing myself. Take away the last thing keeping me here, and see what happens. Next time you see me on the news, it will be me in a body bag.

I cannot believe that they would put my diaper and formula money in jeopardy.  Where would I and Nana Sandra go if our disability checks were to go away?

Can you offer suggestions to make them take me seriously?

Sincerely,

Stanley

PS:  I have also sent a picture of me and Nana Sandra while I was having an afternoon snack.


Dr. Lemur, do you have anything you would like to say to Stanley Thornton Jr’s letter?

Dear Stanley,

First, your condition is one of the oddest affectations going.  I am frankly surprised that you have been allowed to continue on in this vein for so long.  I am even more surprised at how piss-poor of a job your parents did in raising you, you incredible black hole of need, you.

Sadly, your bizarre fetish has only been strengthened by the National Geographic, where you have been given a sensationalized spotlight center-stage position.

Sadder still is that many of our troops have died and sacrificed for so much freedom, which includes your little self-involved world where you are allowed to be as useless as a human being can be and still breathe, and all that while you are paid to do it on the backs of people who work for  a living.  The odds are very high that you are loathed throughout any cross-section of the military or society in general that you choose to investigate.

I would like to suggest that you either (a) grow up in a hurry and get a job like everyone else as opposed to being a useless sack of shit, or (b) get yourself a nice on-line body bag, zip yourself in it, and duct tape a gallon-sized bag over your head.  Either way is a win for taxpayers who already take your personal character flaws and failings seriously, and who will dance in the streets as you leave behind your pathetic lifestyle and embrace your future (whichever road you feel you must travel after your pathetic ass is removed from society’s feeding trough) rather than a bottle and a soggy diaper.

In other words Stanley – stop being a dickhead and become a worthwhile part of society or leave it.  You choose.  Ultimatums should never be given if you aren’t completely willing to follow through with your threatened behavior.  Go ahead Stanley, get serious.  Step up or zip up.

Sincerely disgusted,

Dr. Lemur

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