Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘bacon’

Blarg.

This post got nuked by my blog software (dammit).

I was able to screenshot it though.

Blarg Page 1

Blarg Page 2

Blarg Page 3

Blarg Page 4

 

Read Full Post »

Hard Time.

Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 30 days and released in 4 hours?  What do you want to bet that she gets four tears tattooed on her butt?

I understand alcoholism and addiction.  But at some point you gotta be allowed to bottom out in order to face up to your problem, realize there’s nothing you can do to stop it without help, and you have to be more afraid of the consequences than the process of coming to grips.  Just a cold hard fact.  She’s been kept from bottoming out so she’ll keep doing the same thing over and over.

Ok, next story…

Let the outrage begin.  In Wisconsin, someone had the nerve to put up the billboard pictured here:

Source: Dan Pillar (blog) / The Register (photo)

Seriously?  This is like saying sex kills.  Do you really think anyone is going to be swayed in your intended direction, i.e. actually stop eating bacon or less of it?  Phfffft.  Yeahright.

(Car swerves off road as Ritalin-Enhanced Super-Soccer-Mom internalizes the message on the billboard)  Johnny, Suzy – spit those bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits out right now before you get cancer of the asshole!  RIGHT.  NOW.  YOUNG MAN… spit it out!  Suzy, YOU HEARD ME, TOO!  SPIT IT OUT.  OUT!  OUT!  OUT!

Read Full Post »

Who says romance is dead?

Sent to me by The Butcher of Lansing.

No idea where it came from originally.

Read Full Post »

Thought you had that…

Update:

America is getting meaner?  Oh please.  People are just as mean as they’ve ever been.  Always will be that mean.

Quite simply, what we learn as ‘normal’ we learn as children, and today that is all about violence. It’s ubiquitous and it’s often glorified through internet, movies, video games, TV, and song lyrics. When kids are exposed to violence they accept it as a normal way to resolve a conflict.

Before facebook, movies, video games, and TV those same mean people were out doing mean things in person and they had more daylight hours to do them in.  Strangers were beaten then and are now.  Kids have been beaten then and are now.  People have always been killed and tortured.  Cats have been juggled.

History is just chuck-a-block full of examples of mean people – burning folks alive, drownings, lynchings, stonings – hell, you name it, the evil that men do has been a constant since the first human picked up a bone to brain someone else with.

This kind of article is absolutely ridiculous.

*****

Lots of plague in my house.  Cruel Wife came down with it finally.

Didn’t stop me from making Bacon Jam and a dip of chives, bacon, cream cheese, and mayo.  I call it “Chives, Bacon, Cream Cheese, and Mayo Dip”.   There’s probably a fancy name like “Green Goddess” only it’d be “Brown and White with Little Bits of Green Goddess” because by God, that’s the color you end up with.

I don’t know where on the net I found the bacon jam, but I did.

Slow-Cooker Bacon Jam

adapted from Everyday Food,  December 2010

2 pounds sliced bacon, cut into 1 inch pieces

2 medium yellow onions,  diced small

3 garlic cloves, minced

3/4 cup brewed coffee

1/2 cup cider  vinegar

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1/4 cup maple syrup

2 teaspoons  molasses

In a large skillet, cook bacon over medium-high, stirring occasionally, until  bacon is lightly browned, 20-25 minutes. With a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to  paper-towel covered plate to drain.

Pour off all but one tablespoon bacon fat (reserve for another use). Add  onions, cook until translucent. Add garlic, cook until fragrant. Add coffee,  vinegar, sugar, syrup, and molasses. Bring to a boil for 2 minutes, scraping up  brown bits with a wooden spoon. Add bacon, stir to combine.

Transfer mixture to a large slow-cooker (5-6 quarts). Cook uncovered on high  for 4 hours or until syrupy. Transfer to food processor and pulse to coarsely  chop.

Cool, then refrigerate in airtight containers, up to 4 weeks. Also freezes  well.

I didn’t use the 3/4C of coffee though.  Red Bull.

You actually believed that, didn’t you.  Sad.

Read Full Post »

Update:

You know you’re old when you finally – after hours of searching – find the old CBS station bumper music and it takes you back to the early/mid 70’s.  And you think of Bill Bixby in The Incredible Hulk (Friday nights) and how James Garner in The Rockford Files (Saturday nights, I think) was pretty darned entertaining and all that…

To a kid that sound was kind of mournful/spooky.

****

Cruel Wife passed on this link.  It’s what I need.  Like burning.

In order to convince you to run over there and buy a dozen of them, here is the appetizer.

 

Read Full Post »

Speaking of golden moment… you haven’t lived unless you can die eating this.

Turbacoducken.  Oh.  My.  GOD.

all-raw-wrapped-assembled-front-300x200cooked-front-300x200

Thank you, Corey James of BaconToday!

Seems like oyster stuffing is needed to bring it all together.

****

Who knew that gold does indeed tarnish, and indeed corrode away?

Obama polls.  I have no idea where that picture came from but it’s going to be modified tonight.  Stay tuned.

57679610****

The Dude sent this to me, followed (after I said “it’d be funny if it wasn’t true”) by the link below that.

terrorist watch-listIn an odd tone for the LA Times, usually the fountain of top-notch bullsh*t, they published this:

Jonah Goldberg on Hassan and stuff.

****

I’m waiting for Obama to make a statement like “The white woman acted stupidly.”

University Prof clobbers University employee.

He could say that, you know, because it would not be jumping to conclusions.

****

Winner of the “Awww, Isn’t That Cute?” award…

USB Memory

USB Bone****

Let me guess… liberals thought this up?  Or idiots.  But then I repeat myself.

North Carolina School Sells Test Scores to Students

GOLDSBORO, N.C. — Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A middle school in North Carolina is selling test scores to students in a bid to raise money.

The News & Observer of Raleigh reported Wednesday that a parent advisory council at Rosewood Middle School in Goldsboro come up with the fundraising plan after last year’s chocolate sale flopped.

The school will sell 20 test points to students for $20.

Students can add 10 extra points to each of two tests of their choice. The extra points could take a student from a “B” to an “A” on those tests or from a failing grade to a passing grade.  Principal Susie Shepherd says it’s not enough of an impact to change a student’s overall grades.

Officials at the state Department of Public Instruction say exchanging grades for money teaches children the wrong lessons.

Gee, do ya think???

****

Okay, since we’ve (allegedly) messed up our climate through stupidity and inability to see the future, how could we possibly see the results of messing with the weather?

“No one can tell how much weather manipulation will change the sky,” Xiao Gang, a professor in the Institute of Atmospheric Physics at the Chinese Academy of Sciences, told the paper.

Wait… we can’t tell how much weather manip will change the sky?  So how do we know much of anything about climate behavior?  I thought we knew all there was to know, given the dire predictions facing us over the next century.  ???

Read Full Post »

Sweet and Savory.

Yeah, maybe but I think I’d barf before I could eat it.

A bacon cheeseburger with a bun made out of a glazed Krispy Kreme donut.

HC A_DUN0398.JPG****

Reminds me of the joke – what is the last thing to go through a mosquito’s mind when he hits a car windshield?  His ass.

This guy was lucky he didn’t do it when he bungee corded.

A British daredevil’s vacation bungee jump went horribly wrong when his cord came loose and he hit the water at 80 miles an hour — but miraculously, he survived.

Rishi Baveja, 21, told “FOX & Friends” Wednesday that he didn’t even know the rope around his ankles had slipped off during his videotaped 165-foot leap in Thailand until the very end.  – source:  Fox News

He’s lucky he isn’t dead or paralyzed.

Read Full Post »

Update: Saw this over at doubleplusundead, and it takes precedence over anything else you’ll read here.  It’s a two-hanky kind of thing, and it puts our soldiers where they should be – in our highest respect.

More here on US Army 1st Lt. Brian Brennan.   As far as I’m concerned all of our servicemen/servicewomen are heroes, but stories like Brian’s should be told because of his unstoppability.

****

It’s a mocking post, so lets be really annoying then, shall we?  The snippet of news in the graphic was fresh fairly recently although it may have been missed by most.

Mohammeds Secretclick to enlargenzoomify

So I says to myself, “Self, how would you poke obnoxiously at a set of values that puts everyone in this kind of asinine situation?”

Let’s just say that if you are a woman in Saudi Arabia trying to buy a bra… this has to really suck ass.

****

Ok, this is terrible.  It’s funny.  It’s got a bad word in it.  Don’t read the bad word.  Laugh.  Live a little.  Make fun of life.  Life is ugly, so mock it and mock it often.

Pooh-PigI don’t know who did the graphic.  Love it though.

****

Stolen shamelessly from McGoo.  I am a bad person.  But then he stole it from someone else, so two wrongs cancel out and I can sleep comfortably at night.

two_assholes

Being able to mock frequently is as important as good daily… Thai food.

****

They say that this is not suggested but I thought it was obvious.  You wouldn’t want to catch swine flu.

CatchSwineFlu****

As a public service announcement two very highly placed individuals at my office – guys I eat Thai food with – say that Bruce Campbell’s new movie “My Name is Bruce”.

As an Oregon boy, I can’t say as how I’ve seen it yet but I will this weekend, as dog is my co-pilot.  (that would be Zoe)  The plot synopsis starts out well – here’s the first paragraph.

My Name is Bruce is the heroic struggle of a small mining town (Gold Lick, Oregon) to rid itself of a vengeful monster. Guan-di (Jamie Peck), the Chinese god of war and protector of the dead, has been unleashed by cemetery desecrating teenagers to protect the graves of Chinese miners lost in a deadly cave-in of yesteryear.

I grew up in an actual small-mining town in Oregon, so I should know about towns named “Gold Lick”.  First, there is no town named “Gold Lick, Oregon” and second, why did they make the town name sound like a brothel?  Or was that the point?

Whatever… Bruce, you rock dude.  Live forever, and I hope you are enjoying doing Burn Notice as much as I am watching it.

****

Over at doubleplusundead, DPUD has provided a link to Tactical Bacon.  God, I am so happy I could just DIE.

tactical bacon

BACON IN A CAN.

Read Full Post »

Fox News asks the question “Where are they [cloned animals] now?

clone

(a) Goat (b) Kitteh (c) Sheep (d) Fideau

Well, they mean the actual cloned beast in each breakthrough.  Where are those particular critters right now?

See if you can match up the letters/critters from the pic above with the pictures of them as they are now.

foodstuffs

Test your culinary acumen!!!

♦♦♦♦

This is so cool I just had “a moment”.

Bacon can cut through steel

grease-fireThanks go to The Dude.

♦♦♦♦

The EPA now gets it’s crack at destroying part of our dying economy.

♦♦♦♦

Speaking of babies…  I’ve heard of this before but (1) HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW YOU WERE PREGNANT? and (2) HOW COULD YOUR HUSBAND NOT KNOW YOU WERE PREGNANT?

I mean… holy sh*ttin’ petunias, folks.

A western Michigan man helped deliver his wife’s baby boy despite not knowing she was pregnant.

[…]

The man told the dispatcher that he had not known his 27-year-old wife was pregnant. He said they recently quit smoking and thought her recent weight gain was related.

I know… this day and age is stressful, you got kids… hard to communicate as often as you’d like… but…  DAMN, folks.

♦♦♦♦

Not to make fun of other’s misfortunes, but the last time I heard of anyone crushed under the golden arches was in a joke referring to Dolly Parton.

The daughter said:

“How could that sign not be properly secured? That’s what I want to know,” she said. “I’m mad. You don’t think you park under a sign . . . and giant golden arches are going to come smashing down on you.”

Well, no, but the world is an imperfect place.  High winds, no telling how long the sign had been there, the world is an unsafe place,  and God might hate you.  (no, not really)

My point is that you can’t always go around blaming the engineer.  Sometimes bad things happen regardless.

♦♦♦♦

Lovely.  Just lovely.  I joke about eating dogs, and might even try one, I have a dog of my own (not for consumption, yet), but doing this to your pup ain’t cool.

Woman packing-tapes boyfriend’s dog to refrigerator.  What, they ran out of magnets?

Read Full Post »

UPDATE:  It appears that even in the most serious of times, the Democrats can’t resist throwing in snotty snide comments.  How professional San-Fran Nan can be!  For a loving cookie-baking grandma of 37 she sure can be a crass *itch.

Update #2: I HATE it when this happens.

Update #3:

Mmmm. God damn, Jimmy! This is some serious GOR-MAY shit. Me and Vincent would have been satisfied with some freeze-dried Taster’s Choice. Right? And he springs this serious GOR-MAY shit on us. What flavor is this?

***

That was the plan, anyway.

Winterizing is heavy on everyone’s mind and rather than leaving the mower in a “rode hard and put away wet” condition, I thought it would be a good idea to give it some attention on Saturday.

  • Wife selling Pampered Chef stuff at a local fall festival.   Check.
  • Kids at sitters.  Check.
  • Block of time.  Check.
  • Dog at the ready and just waiting to fetch tools as I need them.  Uh… hold on.

Perhaps tool fetchage is a bit too much to expect of a 9-1/2 week old pup.

Zoe Helped Herself to a Pillow

Drained the oil in the mower.  Most of it drained over my hands but I collected half a pint or so in the bucket.  There was probably an eighth of a pint in my shirt but not worth squeezing out.  Went to the hardware store for oil and returned home.  Then I realized that I forgot about the oil filter.

Turned around, went back to the hardware store and got a filter.

The old filter looked like it was old when model T’s were still on the road (I inherited the lawn mower).  By using a good tight grip and turning the filter I was able to determine that the previous owner had used a filter wrench to install it.  Straining to remain upbeat I said “No biggie!”  Got my filter wrench out and started twisting and slowly but surely there was movement – that slow giving up of the ghost that tells you that things are submitting to your will.  After a great deal of straining it was obvious that the filter wrench had given it’s all and the filter itself had not budged in the least.  The filter wrench lay on the ground, twisted beyond recognition, covered in little bits of my skin and glistening with my blood and 90 year-old oil.

The wrench was slipping anyway so I added two sanding disks from a random orbital sander back-to-back to get a little extra gripping power and I decided to remove the cowling of the mower to get better access.  Forty minutes later the filter started to break free.  The last resort would have been the old “stab the filter with a screwdriver and torque the bastard off” step but I’ve had really obnoxious filters resist even that and just tear like so much used tissue paper.  I went back to the hardware store for a filter.

Installed filter, went to go get the kids.  Kids kept wanting to play on the mower and the dog kept pooping in the no-go area of the yard.  Cruel Wife came home.  I begged her to keep kids and non-tool-fetching pooch out of my hair for a bit.

Started the mower to hear it purr, and purr it did.  As a test I put the deck down to see how it sounded with the blades engaged.   It sounded a lot like I was mowing over a Harley Davidson.  Got off, looked under the mower and discovered that there was no hog under the mower.  While down there I noticed that a foot-long section of belt had peeled off and was lying on the grass.  Hmmm.  Perhaps that had something to do with it?

An hour later, the three-arm job of removing the pins and hardware holding the deck on was complete and it was time again to be off to the hardware store to get a new belt.

As I attempted to install the new belt is was obvious that the new belt would not fit.  Several minutes were devoted to weeping and cursing.  Off to the hardware store again.  The new belt did not fit again.  Off to the hardware store again. By this point the clerks were not even trying to hide their smirks and snickers.  The belt finally fit, and the peasants rejoiced.  Here is where the really hard part came in.  just try to lift a mower deck by yourself while lying on your side and feeding four pins and keys into the linkages that hold the deck up.  It’s not easy.  The pins are slippery because of the blood and tears and the deck has no easy handholds.

After about 20 minutes the pins were driven home and and when I started up the lawnmower it ran beautifully.

I can only suspect that had my pup been properly trained in the retrieval of tools and the sizing of belts that it would have gone much smoother.  A simple 45 minute job took 7 hours, six bandaids, one blackened nail, two well-oiled shirts, and one Dairy Queen Arctic Freeze drink.  I hope she can sleep well at night.

Saturday night and Sunday (and this morning) were spent trying to get the spasms in my neck and pain under control.  Even now the vicodin and flexeril are just able to help me function.  Even percocet wasn’t touching it Saturday night or last night if that is any indication of how ridiculous it got.

So Zöe did not help me with the mower, but in other ways that pup has been the best gift I ever got.  She laid on the couch with me all evening last night with her head rested on my leg. I asked Cruel Wife if the pup had me wrapped around her tail and the look I got said “so much so that if you are wound any tighter you’ll snap in two…” and “…the dog knows it, too”.

Zöe is growing noticeably bigger – I swear if you put an ear next to her you can hear her growing.  Well, actually I can’t hear a damn thing but someone with their hearing intact might be able to sense something.  I don’t have a pic to post right now but if you check back this evening you should be able to see some taken yesterday.

***

Now for something fun and tasty. Sent to me by The Dude.  It is one of those things where you have to just accept that it is not good for you and that you choose to enjoy it anyway (like smoking except I’ve never heard of second-hand bacon fat killing innocent bystanders):

Bacon Mayonnaise

Author’s note: Is it possible to improve upon a classic BLT? I think so, by adding another layer of flavor with my bacon mayonnaise. The recipe makes about enough for four sandwiches. It’s best to use it all up as the bacon fat will turn it solid in the refrigerator.

Makes about 1/2 cup/125 ml

1 egg yolk

3/4 teaspoon Dijon mustard

1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice

Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

1/2 cup/125 ml liquid bacon

Combine the egg yolk, mustard, and lemon juice in the small bowl of a food processor or in a blender and process to mix. Season with salt and pepper. Have the bacon fat liquid, but not hot. With the machine running, gradually add the bacon fat until the mixture starts to stiffen and emulsify, about two minutes. Once it starts to emulsify, you can add the fat more quickly. If the mayonnaise is too thick, just blend in one teaspoon of boiling water to thin it. Taste and adjust the seasoning.

***

Here.  Enjoy a good list of why rats make great pets.

Read Full Post »

Well, as a father, I can help you. A veritable plethora of merchandise is sitting out there and all that needs be done to remedy the situation is to spot some in the crowd.

First, is the Yodeling Pickle.

Yodeling Pickle

If you’ve been looking for the perfect item to throw your money away on, your search is over. You can’t possibly need this. You can’t possibly use this. In fact, it is unlikely that you even WANT this.

And that’s why you should buy the Electronic Yodeling Pickle. You only live once, and we think it’s important to do something absolutely ridiculous once in awhile. And what can be more ridiculous than a yodelling pickle?

The Electronic Yodelling Pickle is a 6-1/2″ plastic pickle with a high-tech interior. When you press the pickle’s button (yes, this pickle has a button), it belts out a melodious yodel that will make you think you’re in the Swiss alps listening to a yodelling pickle.

But there is more… much more. Why, now dad can “Choke the Chicken”

Choke the Chicken

A lot of toys are annoying. Tickle-Me-Elmo gets on our nerves. Barbie is a stuck-up snob. Even the clinkity-clink of Slinkys has us climbing the walls after a few minutes.

And, yes, THIS toy is annoying, too. But there’s one big difference… With Choke The Annoying Chicken, you can get even.

Okayyyy… moving right along. Dads want something that is comforting yet manly at the same time. Like bacon.

Bacon Air Freshener

What’s with all these air fresheners with names like “Lilac Ambrosia” or “Daffodil Delight?” Give us a freakin’ break! We know what scents get us going, and “Rosewater Rhapsody” isn’t one of them.

If you want to really know what makes our bacon sizzle, just sizzle some bacon. Mmmmmmm. That’s the ticket.

Now you can get an air freshener that captures the fragrance you really crave… BREAKFAST MEAT!

Imagine filling your car or bedroom with the subtle aroma of smoked bacon.

It’s all possible with the

Funky Fresh Bacon Air Fresheners

Next stop coming up. This was out of stock (damn)… The ever so yummy Gummy Haggis! I know! Isn’t this incredible? You should be so lucky.

Gummy Haggis

Haggis is a traditional Scottish delicacy consisting of sheep entrails and spices boiled inside a sheep’s stomach. As much as we’d love to sell the genuine article, we’re just not in the business of boiled innards in stomach casing. We are, however, in the business of gummy candy that looks like boiled innards in stomach casing.

Lucky you. Each 3-1/2″ long, 100 gram hunk of brownish Gummy Haggis looks disturbingly realistic and has the unmistakable flavor of butterscotch. Sealed in plastic bag.

If your husband/dad is a man of discriminating tastes, several movies bear watching.

If you have kept up with me this far, GOOD FOR YOU. Listen closely:

Unless your dad/husband is a freak, don’t get him any of this. Well, perhaps the bacon air freshener. Look at the bright side, I have narrowed your choices down by presenting six things you ought not get him for Father’s Day.

Killer Klowns and Poultrygeist are more suitable for Christmas or Groundhog day, Polyester has smellovision but still is just too disturbing (What isn’t disturbing? You’re faced with a 300lb transvestite named Francine Fishpaw, a cheating husband, a sniffing-glue addicted son with a foot fetish and shows it by stomping on women’s feet, and a daughter that… nevermind…), if you’re going to eat Haggis eat the real thing, military guys will avoid that chicken as if it had ebola (rightfully so), and honestly the thought of a pickle that yodels makes my viscera crawl.

Honestly, a quiet nap with the kids over at the grandparents and the house being a no-nag zone for even three hours will make him plenty happy.

More thoughts on this topic later. Gotta get back to work.

Read Full Post »