Posts Tagged ‘burns’

Cruel Wife Update

Ok, so she burned her hand last night with molten sugar.

No big deal, right?  Other than finally falling asleep at 3am with her hand in a glass of ice water in the pulled-out drawer of her nightstand, no, no big deal.

This morning her paw was feeling pretty good sort of decent so she decided to put on makeup for work.

She sharpened the eye-liner so it’d be easier to put on with the burned right hand.

And promptly slipped and stabbed herself in the eye.

I swear, we’re going to have to put a padded helmet on her, protective eyewear, oven mitts, and corks on the tines of her forks to protect her from herself.  She’s not allowed to call me a klutz anymore.

Read Full Post »

All she’s said for about five minutes is “Ew.  Ew.  Ewwww.   Ewwwww!”

I read her this article to take her mind off of her pain.

Women flock to take horse-semen shots

Yes, that is a very real title.

(she just said “Ew” about sixteen more times)

Green Man Pub chef, Jason Varley, said the drink was proving most popular with women.

“Ladies thought it was great  a couple were going to go home and get their husbands to eat grass,” he said.

I don’t want to know what that means but I have a suspicion.

Oh, what happened to Cruel Wife, you ask?

She bought the kids an after-dinner treat called “Hissee Fits” which are giant gummy snakes (which I promptly warned the kids not to throw in the house).

Girlhead whined about the toughness of the snake and wondered how old it was.  I asked her to hold it up so I could see how long it was.  I reckoned that it was about three weeks old and opined that it has probably dined well on gummy bugs (Cruel Wife suggested gummy worms).  We then wondered if they could swallow a whole gummy bear and Girlhead was of the opinion that they would have to be mini gummy bears.

Whining continued and finally Cruel Wife says “Ok, would you like me to soften it up in the microwave?”

Girlhead said “Yes, please!”

So CW nuked it for 15 seconds, no more, no less.  She reached in without looking and suddenly I heard “Oh!  Ow OW OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!” and things flying across the floor as she dashed for the sink.  I pointed out that purposely sticking her fingers in molten sugar was probably not her finest hour.  It immediately 2nd degree burned her middle finger, smeared across all four fingers, and flipped up on top of 2-1/2 fingers.   She’s had her hand in a glass of ice water and packed in WaterGel for four hours now.  I am thinking that her risk of needing an escharotomy is much reduced.   And here I’d put a bitchin’ edge on a razor blade in preparation.

I’ve been reading Fark to her for hours now to keep her smiling and laughing.  Not sure if the horse semen thing helped or not.

But they also linked The Bloggess, who had a story about giant chickens and chicken envy.  And towels.

Read Full Post »

Beans and Weenies after the updates below.


Update #2:

Obese inmate hid gun in his flab

A 40 stone [560 lbs] man smuggled a gun into two US prisons by hiding it within his rolls of fat.

They train officers to lift rolls of fat to search for smuggled things.  Oh.  My.  God.  You could not pay me enough to palpate some morbidly obese person’s rolls of flubber.

How about a metal detector?  How about a quick trip to a liposuction clinic?  Ok, maybe not so quick.


Update #1:

I wanted to get this off my chest.  Reps from Congress are finding that people aren’t interested in listening, they want to be heard.

“Why won’t you let the people speak?” shouted one protester in Tampa, Fla., at a public forum where Rep. Cathy Castor, D-Fla., attempted to pitch Obama’s health care reform plan to her constituency.

The Tampa protest made national headlines afterward, as dozens of protesters were pushed out the door in a scuffle, some claiming to have received injuries, and the doors were locked to bar their chanting protest: “You work for us!”

For some reason, our elected officials think that they do whatever they want to do and then tell us how it will be.

This is the exact opposite of reality – they work for us They get told what to do by us and then they go to Washington and do what we tell them.

On the issue of health care reform and so many other issues, they seem to believe the exact opposite.

“It’s a challenge, no question about it, and you’ve got to get out there and make the case,” Sen. Christopher Dodd, D-Conn., said afterward. “This is not the time for the faint-hearted.”

The only case they need to make is in DC as they do the things required of them by their constituents.

Let me be clear:

Representatives represent our views,

they do not attempt to change them.

Carl Levin D-MI retreats from the Pledge of Allegiance.

Lawmakers are also retreating from contact with their angry constituents.

The health-care debate was supposed to play out at rallies and inside gymnasiums when lawmakers headed home for the August recess.

But after a series of contentious town-hall meetings, some Democratic lawmakers are thinking twice about holding large public gatherings. Instead, they are opting for smaller sessions, holding meetings by phone or inviting constituents for one-on-one office hours.

“Democrats may think that attacking or ignoring this growing chorus of Americans is a smart strategy, but they are obviously forgetting that these concerned citizens are voters as well,” said Paul Lindsay, a spokesman for the National Republican Congressional Committee, the House GOP’s campaign arm.

Rick Scott, who leads Conservatives for Patients’ Rights, a group that has helped publicize the local meetings, said: “The polls reveal the real picture of what is happening across the country — people are genuinely concerned, some are genuinely angry, and they are expressing themselves.”

****And now, the Beans and Weenies****

You can’t make this stuff up

Police said that the incident took place at a club in the Greek resort town of Malia. The British man, who police have also not yet identified, allegedly took off his pants there and waved his genitals at a number girls. He is then said to have “forcefully fondled” the Greek woman and asked her to hold his genitals.

The woman asked the man to stop harassing her, police said, and when he didn’t, she poured Sabucco, a liquor that resembles Greek ouzo, on his private area.

When the man continued his advances, police said that’s when the woman set fire to his genitals using a lighter.

This is crazy stuff here.

She has been charged with causing bodily injury and endangering private property

Oh, I bet.

I say give her a medal and $10 for each blister on his franks-n-beans.


Man blames cat for illegal pornography on his computer.  If you go to the link you can see a picture of the idiot.

… detectives didn’t buy it when a 48-year-old Jensen Beach man claimed that his cat was downloading child pornography on his computer.

… detectives found more than 1,000 child pornographic images on his computer, according to a news release.

Griffin told detectives he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard.

When he returned, there would be strange material downloaded, the release states.

Truly, this is a special kind of stupid.


Read Full Post »