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Posts Tagged ‘cute’

Dear Dr. Lemur,

I am a father of a 14 year old who is totally obsessed with Facebook. She is on it constantly.

My only recourse was to write up a contract and pay her $200 for her username and password. The agreement is that she will stay off of Facebook for five months. I have attached the contract for you to see.

WhatDoesFailureLookLike

Did I do the right thing?

Father Paul in Boston

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Father Paul,

You absolutely did the right thing if you want to demonstrate to your daughter that you are just as impotent and jelly-spined as you seem.

In fact, you should probably just give her a credit card with the instructions that if she goes over $2000 in a month you two will have to go get a root beer float (sometime) and talk about ways to reduce her spending, but only when she is ready.

You might also ask her what car she wants when she turns 16 so you can start saving up for the down-payment and get the paperwork on a second mortgage rolling so you can float the insurance.

Let her also know that curfews are also just suggestions and that you trust her to “do the right thing” in all circumstances and you won’t question her judgement because obviously kids really are pretty wise when you get down to it. They are just smaller versions of adults, after all.

She plans on spending the money on “stuff” so you can rest easy and know that with your strong parenting skills she won’t fill the void in her already empty life with baser pursuits like drugs and alcohol.

Keep your spirits up, Father Paul. Someday they will have spine and testicle transplants and you will be able to feel like a useful part of society again. And if things go wrong, society will still be there to pick up and support your precious snowflake.

You could try spending time with your daughter if all else fails.

– Dr. Lemur

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Wow, gang, it sure is inspirational when Dr. Lemur cures what ails someone, isn’t it? From here on out, Father Paul’s life will be smooooth sailing.

Ok, forgive me if any of you are Facebook users (Cruel Wife, Aggie). But you must realize that I see a huge difference between mom-wives who work their asses off to the point where socializing with adults in real-life is darned difficult (and other adults who do the same) and kids who haven’t yet learned how to develop relationships in meatspace. Kids gotta learn how to connect with physical people first, and then later learn how to make connections however you can in this busy world. That’s what childhood is for, for heaven’s sake.

(see original news article here)

Speaking of meatspace…

Haven’t had the inclination to get to it but I actually got some sleep last night and suddenly found myself with the capacity/energy to mock the Brits (if one of my favorite TV hosts, Jeremy Clarkson, can mock us Americans then I say I can mock them, too). It’s old news but the media keeps making sausage of the story so I’ll have fun with it:admission

Seriously, meat is meat. So the animal was “cute”, or Not Commonly Accepted As Food, or some such thing… if you ate it and enjoyed it, and there were no little insects/bugs or human parts in it, and it was cooked to your satisfaction… Hell, if you have ever eaten sushi, not a word about horse, m’kay?

Shame on BK’s supplier for misrepresenting horse as cow, but move on. It’s not just BK, it’s also Findus UK who got hit by it with their Neighing Lasagna. Tell you what – with the ultra-high cost of beef right now, send all that stuff to me at half price and I’ll take it off your hands.

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A week ago my sister helped a neighbor get a goat to an auction and came home with a ewe and a lamb. Her husband was irked but she wrote to me and said “We’re naming them Baaaahbra and Lamb Chop. Know any good recipes for lamb?”

I assured her that fast on the BBQ as ribs/chops was an awesome way to go.

She later wrote to me and said “HOW CAN YOU *EAT* ‘CUTE’?”

I replied simply, “Easy. Rare to medium-rare.”

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veeshir… I am not responding to the taunts at your blog because we are boycotting each other, after all.

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I suppose one could say that since it is consensual then it is ok but I still find this to be one small step away from inc3st, b3astiality, and dwarf pr0n in terms of repulsive behavior.

Dutch broadcaster to air cannibalism.

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Aw hell, folks, it’s Grab Ass Tuesday.  Technically it is Wednesday as I post this, but I don’t give a rat’s patootie.

Here’s a joke to warm your heart.  I am told by Cruel Wife that if I ever do this I’m dead meat.

A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve, and the place was packed. Walking through the crowded mall the wife suddenly looks up and notices her husband is no where in sight. They have so much to do in such a short amount of time, that this really pisses her off. She grabs her cellphone to call him and ask him where the hell he is.
The husband answers in a calm voice says, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace but we were so broke that we could not afford it, and I told you not to worry, that one day I’d be able to buy it for you?”
She is so touched she begins to cry…”Yes-I remember that jewelry store.”
He said, “Well I’m in the bar right next to it.”
****
Sent to me by a friend of my Dad’s – Salty Nutter – don’t know where he got it.
Yeah, I shot jerky out my nose when I saw it, too.
****
My kitty, Jilly-Boo/Jill/Jillbert (pick one), has been as cute as a kitty can be since I got home from the hospital.  I think she realizes that life is fleeting and moments are precious, that relationships are what really matter.  It’s scritches that make the world purr, dammit.   Pictures get bigger if you click on them.
Jilly-Kitty in Occupy Lemur’s Drawers
Jilly-Boo looking very Cougar-like in Occupy Lemur’s Spare Bedding Foam
Lemur King’s healing neck.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, I’m pasty-white.
The neck pic… bottom middle is where they hacked out part of my sternum to use in my neck fusion.  A faint “V” to the left of it 2-1/2″ and up 1-1/2″ (“V” pointing to 10 o’clock) is where the drain tube was.  The dark line is where they hacked in using something very similar to Aggie Sith’s Zombie-Killing Machete.
Swallowing is still a chore.  Hurts still but when medicated the hurt is less than what I experienced all day every day prior to the surgery.  I’ve got no complaints.
I even have more strength back.  Before, when I tried to open a bag of tortillas I did not have enough strength in my thumbs and forefingers to open the ziploc bag and ended up cutting the zip-tops off of every bag I came across.  Cruel Wife thought I was being an ass but I figured better to let her think I was an ass than to worry her with things like that.

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