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Posts Tagged ‘doritos’

Now that Cruel Wife has a job, the universe has smiled upon us – my company now has day-care.

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A while back Frankenboy and I sat and ate some Doritos 2nd Degree Burn chips.  Yea they’re hot but not in a killer kind of way.    Now they have 3rd Degree Burn chips.  They are hot but not a huge amount of flavor.  I was bummed.

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I love Pulp Fiction.  Laconic pup sent me a link to youtube movie that is a compilation of all snippets where the world “****’ is used in the movie Pulp Fiction.  If you are at work or have little kids, only play this if you have headphones.

Who the hell posted this or sent it to me recently?  Who came up with it?   I can just see Hobbes saying:

I been saying that sh*t for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherf*cker ‘fore I plunged a tooth in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice.

****

My son, who is four – named Frankenboy because his run-in with a several hundreds-of-pounds fountain last year that tried to crush his skull left him with a hell of a scar – has made me proud.

It all started when I brought home two bags of Doritos Second-Degree Burn chips.  I like them a lot.  They are not the most flavorful of chips but they have some flavor and I like them.  They are also hot enough that Cruel Wife won’t eat them ( based on the folks I know, she’s probably somewhere in the top 5 percentile in heat-tolerance) and Zoe-pup now fears them after eating half a bag one night.  To give you an idea, they don’t sell them in the big bags – they only sell them in single-serving bags.

I was sitting there with my fresh-made reuben sandwich – loaded with kraut, swiss cheese, dripping with dressing, and piled high with meat – and munching on these chips.

My boy was sitting to my left and I heard his little voice say “I want some chips, please.”

I said “No, buddy, these are hot and you wouldn’t like them.”

Just then I felt a puff of air on my hand as he was blowing on the chip to cool it off.

“Bud, these are spicy hot – they aren’t hot-hot.  They would hurt your mouth.”

More puffs of air wafted over my hand and little bits of chili powder dusted my reuben.

I tried again, figuring repetition would enhance understanding.  “Bud, they aren’t hot but they are spicy hot and they would hurt your mouth…”

Sayeth the boy, “I want some chips” and he reached over to pinch the chip to see if it was truly hot to the touch.

I looked at Cruel Wife resignedly, “You know, he’s just not going to get it unless he experiences it.”   She wearily nodded in agreement. “Let him have one.”

He took the chip, crammed half of it in his mouth, took three munches… and immediately grabbed his juice and drained the container by three-quarters many times faster than I thought a fluid could actually flow.  His eyes were open a bit more and he was sucking air.

“See, pal?  They’re spicy hot.”

He nodded and took another bite.  Then he grabbed Cruel Wife’s ice-water and drained it of two inches worth of water with efficiency that would make Dracula moan with admiration.

He nodded, glassy-eyed, as if to some unspoken wisdom – and then asked for another chip.  Still shaking my head I complied with his request.

Chomp… nom nom nom… crunch crunch crunch…

SLUUUUURRRRRRRRRRP.   SLUUUUURRRRRP. <burp> <excuse me>

“Can I have another chip please?”

Chomp… nom nom nom… crunch crunch crunch…

SLUUUUURRRRRRRRRRP.   SLUUUUURRRRRP. <burp> <excuse me>

I made up my mind that I just could not make up my mind as to whether I should be proud or write him off as an idiot.  Being a chili-head, I eventually opted for pride.

He ate three chips.

Twenty minutes later I hear a scream from the other room, “I NEED THE BATHROOOOOM!”   Apparently all that liquid must go somewhere.

Lest you think that I bullshitteth thee, take a look.


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Have you tried the Doritos 2nd Degree Burn Buffalo Wing flavor chips?

You know I’m a chilihead.

You should also know that 20 minutes later my mouth was still on fire.  My guts didn’t know how to respond.  Next day I noticed it then, too.  So I can offer the following advice:

GO FOR IT!!!

I’m surprised that Doritos did something that daring.  No, they aren’t Blair’s Death Rain Potato Chips, but they are something to be reckoned with.

If you like heat you’ll be surprised.  If you are a chili lightweight, it’s training, confidence-building, and character-building.

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Bill Clinton, never able to remain silent for long.

“What we learned from Oklahoma City is not that we should gag each other or that we should reduce our passion for the positions we hold – but that the words we use really do matter, because there’s this vast echo chamber, and they go across space and they fall on the serious and the delirious alike. They fall on the connected and the unhinged alike,” he said.

“One of the things that the conservatives have always brought to the table in America is a reminder that no law can replace personal responsibility. And the more power you have and the more influence you have, the more responsibility you have.”

Perhaps he could give Obama some pointers.  But I hope he doesn’t, because Obama is the best thing for the right-of-center folks, just by spouting off.

But here’s a tip for Mr. Clinton – we don’t need you to help us choose our words.  You weren’t a “calming influence” while folks were bashing Bush, so don’t take “the high road” now.

****

On revolt and other matters…

People keep talking about the Revolution and revolting as a response to current events.  There’s crucial differences.

Then, the colonists were against England’s Parliament, any form of monarchy, and taxes.  Taxes higher now?  They say they are.  But here’s the thing – then, the loss of the the form of government that they had was a good thing, and they contrived and embraced the system (the ideals of) we have now.

To incite revolt would be to say that the system we have now must be scrapped and replaced.  To give up what we have now would be a catastrophic mistake, because as flawed as it is, and even as corrupt as our representatives are, I defy you to find a better system.

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