Posts Tagged ‘duke nukem’

As a Duke’s First Access Club (oooooh) member, I have… uh… First Access to… uh… Duke’s Club.

Yeah.  That’s it.

Which means (drumroll please)…

I am literally seconds away from playing the demo, which I, a Duke’s First Access Club Member, have First Access to.

My balls are clanking together in excitement.  It’s almost been… forever.


Update:  Wow.  I went to kick ass and chew bubble gum.  And I was indeed all out of gum.

It was horribly OTT macho, misogynistic, juvenile, and non-stop… and quite fun.

The demo did feel a little bit like being dropped into Alice in Wonderland, where Alice wore naughty schoolgirl outfits, and where Alice (Both of them, twins… who was who?  Who cares?) does naughty things, you take a leak into a real live urinal in a POV experience that Cruel Wife probably could never really understand (or any chick for that matter), and a bit like Rowdy Roddy Piper on a double-dose of ‘roids and really short on bubble gum.  But that’s what the cigar is for, right?

Finale after beating the Boss?  Drop kick his cyclops eye down the football field and between the goalposts.  Sweet.

The pre-game sequences were pretty good.  One subtle but not-so-subtle clip was where he blows off the bad guy’s head, drops trou, whips out a newspaper, and sits on the alien’s neck to take a dump.  Very classy and enough to make me laugh so hard I thought I was going to black out.

Yes, I’m a fan-boy.  But I got Balls of Steel, so there.

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Quick!  Everyone run around like their hair is on fire!   That always helps!

This is like pouring sugar on the ground at a picnic to keep the ants away.

The game’s 1996 precursor Duke Nukem 3D — which sold 3.5 million copies, made millions for its developers and transformed the entire world of video games — depicted women as strippers and prostitutes.  The new iteration of the game, set for release this spring, takes sexism to a new level — starting with Duke receiving implied oral sex from twins in school uniforms.

“It was offensive then and it’s even more offensive now,” Jamia Wilson, vice president of the Women’s Media Center, told FoxNews.com. “These depictions of women are extremely harmful, especially to young women,” she added.

Well, DUH.  It is offensive!  It is hilarious!

It’s entertaining because it IS over the top, lady.  Tell you what, Jamia… unbraid your armpit hair, shave your legs, go out with the girls, have a few fortified wine coolers, and metaphorically let your hair down – meet some guy and find something to do besides worry about a video game. The hugest percentage of men abusing women got it not from video games but from a suck-ass home life when growing up.

Most men who are transvestites didn’t get it from watching Bugs Bunny in drag.

Young women aren’t going to be playing the game.  Boys, grown men, and the grown men’s wives are going to be playing it (at least mine will be, anyway).

Young women (and prosti-tots) will be shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch.

As a parent, I won’t let my daughter shop there. That is how the system works. I don’t like A&F so I don’t let my daughter go there.  How hard was that?

As for my daughter coming into contact with boys who don’t have parents to teach them the values that they won’t get in Duke Nukem, well, she’ll be well-taught about how to handle them and if there’s still problems, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  That’s why fathers own guns, so’s they can protect their daughters.

All the guys that I met over the years that were the type to objectify or abuse women weren’t that way from a movie or from a game – they were creeps through-and-through.  Not all people are good and that is a simple fact.  Mostly people are made that way by their parents.  Sometimes you raise them in a good environment and they’re still evil – I’ve seen it firsthand so don’t try to feed me a line of excrement to the contrary, please.


I also must say – my daughter’s self worth will be instilled in her by us, her parents, not some video game or the world’s view, so let me worry about my daughter.

The ESRB argues that its ratings effectively allow consumers to self-police: If you find that sort of thing offensive, simply don’t let your kids buy the game.

“This game carries a Mature rating indicating that it’s intended for ages 17 and up, and retailers overwhelmingly enforce their store policies requiring that M-rated games not be sold to a customer under that age without a parent’s consent,” [ESRB spokesman] Mizrachi said.

There’s bad news though…

Following the what-were-they-thinking response shared across the gaming community, Gearbox announced Thursday yet another delay to the overdue game’s release. Duke Nukem Forever, which had been slated for release May 3, is now scheduled for June 14.


I could be a bitter cynic.  But you know what?  I still recognize bullshit when I see it.

9 Signs of Happiness

Some of the signs are absolutely mind-numbingly asinine.  I include only four here.  You need to go and see if #3-#7 are ridonkulous for yourself.

1. Smiling face in photos

Studies have shown that people who are smiling in photographs from their youth have five times lesser chances to divorce later in life. Happier people are more attractive to the society, and people feel better in their presence, which contributes to higher quality of relationship within marriage.

I have NO photos of me smiling in childhood, and I’m deliriously *$&%^@ happy.

2. You have a sister

People who have at least one sister are more inclined to optimism, providing support and empathy. Sisters foster communication and unity in the family, which is reflected on positive feelings of all family members.

My next-oldest sister had me unknowingly sniff ammonia from a jar and once peeled up a strip of duct-tape from the entire length of my leg and gave me a redneck wax-job.  My oldest sister is a psychopath.  As you can tell, I have happiness just dripping out my pores.

8. You drink warm drinks

According to one study, people who were holding in their hands and drinking warm drinks, like cocoa or tea, were warmer and better willing than those who drank cold drinks. Psychologists concluded that external heat influences inner one and that warm drinks have a favorable effect on the organism and thus have influence on the mood.

Drink coffee and tea all day long and I’m the sunniest person I know, so perhaps this has some truth.

9. You have two best friends

In one study that included 600 participants, all those who concluded that they have two best friends were generally happier than those with more or less friends. Therefore, a large number of people with whom you socialize are not a guarantee of happiness.

“Hi!  I’m Barf the Mawg!  I’m half man, half dog… I’m my own best friend!”


It has come to my attention that the next few images might offend someviewers.  I wasn’t raised nor am I Catholic so it just doesn’t hold the same emotional clout for me that it does others… soooooo, consider yourself warned.












Happiness in 9 simple points?

No.  I don’t think so.  Happiness is discovering that nuns have boobs.

Source… would you believe it came up on a Google search?  Now if only I could remember what it was I was searching for…  Well it wasn’t Nude Nuns with Big Guns, but here you go…


Turducken for Nintendo???

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A Rush of Hormones…

… that could rival that of a pregnant woman’s…

… happens when I think of…

… the next installment of Deus Ex…

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

The first game ROCKED, way back in 2000.

The second game SUCKED, since the beginning of time to the end, alpha and omega.

This one makes me as gooey inside as Duke Nukem.  Speaking of…

Let’s look at that, shall we?  A h/t to Armed Geek over at Hookers and Booze.  I doubted him, and I’m playing it reserved, against any crushing of my hope and spirit once again – I’ve pined for the new Duke Nukem, ever since the first one.  But dammit, I’m going to go out on a limb here.   I sure hope this isn’t a horrible terrible tease of a joke.  I’ve been here before, and so have you if you’ve waited for another installment.  Twelve LONG YEARS.


Update:  If I didn’t already say it, “Office Assassin” will no longer be referred to by that name.  She is now “Savior of Kittens“.





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