Posts Tagged ‘eating’

Dear Dr. Lemur,

I am a father of a 14 year old who is totally obsessed with Facebook. She is on it constantly.

My only recourse was to write up a contract and pay her $200 for her username and password. The agreement is that she will stay off of Facebook for five months. I have attached the contract for you to see.


Did I do the right thing?

Father Paul in Boston


Father Paul,

You absolutely did the right thing if you want to demonstrate to your daughter that you are just as impotent and jelly-spined as you seem.

In fact, you should probably just give her a credit card with the instructions that if she goes over $2000 in a month you two will have to go get a root beer float (sometime) and talk about ways to reduce her spending, but only when she is ready.

You might also ask her what car she wants when she turns 16 so you can start saving up for the down-payment and get the paperwork on a second mortgage rolling so you can float the insurance.

Let her also know that curfews are also just suggestions and that you trust her to “do the right thing” in all circumstances and you won’t question her judgement because obviously kids really are pretty wise when you get down to it. They are just smaller versions of adults, after all.

She plans on spending the money on “stuff” so you can rest easy and know that with your strong parenting skills she won’t fill the void in her already empty life with baser pursuits like drugs and alcohol.

Keep your spirits up, Father Paul. Someday they will have spine and testicle transplants and you will be able to feel like a useful part of society again. And if things go wrong, society will still be there to pick up and support your precious snowflake.

You could try spending time with your daughter if all else fails.

– Dr. Lemur


Wow, gang, it sure is inspirational when Dr. Lemur cures what ails someone, isn’t it? From here on out, Father Paul’s life will be smooooth sailing.

Ok, forgive me if any of you are Facebook users (Cruel Wife, Aggie). But you must realize that I see a huge difference between mom-wives who work their asses off to the point where socializing with adults in real-life is darned difficult (and other adults who do the same) and kids who haven’t yet learned how to develop relationships in meatspace. Kids gotta learn how to connect with physical people first, and then later learn how to make connections however you can in this busy world. That’s what childhood is for, for heaven’s sake.

(see original news article here)

Speaking of meatspace…

Haven’t had the inclination to get to it but I actually got some sleep last night and suddenly found myself with the capacity/energy to mock the Brits (if one of my favorite TV hosts, Jeremy Clarkson, can mock us Americans then I say I can mock them, too). It’s old news but the media keeps making sausage of the story so I’ll have fun with it:admission

Seriously, meat is meat. So the animal was “cute”, or Not Commonly Accepted As Food, or some such thing… if you ate it and enjoyed it, and there were no little insects/bugs or human parts in it, and it was cooked to your satisfaction… Hell, if you have ever eaten sushi, not a word about horse, m’kay?

Shame on BK’s supplier for misrepresenting horse as cow, but move on. It’s not just BK, it’s also Findus UK who got hit by it with their Neighing Lasagna. Tell you what – with the ultra-high cost of beef right now, send all that stuff to me at half price and I’ll take it off your hands.


A week ago my sister helped a neighbor get a goat to an auction and came home with a ewe and a lamb. Her husband was irked but she wrote to me and said “We’re naming them Baaaahbra and Lamb Chop. Know any good recipes for lamb?”

I assured her that fast on the BBQ as ribs/chops was an awesome way to go.

She later wrote to me and said “HOW CAN YOU *EAT* ‘CUTE’?”

I replied simply, “Easy. Rare to medium-rare.”


veeshir… I am not responding to the taunts at your blog because we are boycotting each other, after all.

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Warning:  Sensitive readers may find the following offensive or repulsive.  I suggest you toughen up and read it anyway, because if you can’t handle this, you’re in no shape to handle the new congressional supercommittee that is about to be shoved down your throat.

veeshir, who has studiously boycotted this blog for months now, posted a comment on a Sean M. posting over at DoublePlusUndead (yes, I’m confused, too, so relax – you get used to it).

You see, Sean M. linked to the SF Weekly where someone suggested that Bert and Ernie get married so it would be possible to teach small children and Republicans about gay marriage.

Me, I think we’ve got bigger issues at the moment, so if folks want to get married I say go for it.  Remember, I’m a Libertarian-conservative.   Say whatever you want in defense of traditional marriage – on a different post – that’s not an attitude on my part, but it steers us back to my real point on this post:

I do have a serious problem with sexualizing muppets.

veeshir said (hilariously):

I can’t believe they’re trying to force Ernie to marry that evil puppet
That’s just cruel.

We should start a “Free Ernie” campaign.

My follow-up comment, remarking on the more sinister side to all of this:

veeshir is right, Bert has been known to be evil† for well over a decade by my accounting, and probably half that again. It will end tragically with Ernie beaten repeatedly and doing horrid things against his will.

Bert supposedly even had ties with the Taliban.

Battered puppets are just the saddest thing ever. Once kids get a view of torn threads and protruding stuffing, Ernie wearing dark glasses, long sleeved shirts, and duct tape… the “teachable moment” will have really arrived. And everyone will ask why this had been allowed to go on so long.

Now, when I think “battered muppets” I picture beer-batter, tempura, or panko and wonder what muppet flesh must look and taste like.  Yes, that does somehow sound even worse than sexualizing muppets, I know that.

Muppet with Cilantro and Peanut Dipping Sauce

If you don’t remember the skit “Eating Muppets” from The State… well, you should go there right now.

The notion of Bert being Evil is nothing new.  I leave it as an exercise for the reader to go find it on the web using “bert is evil” as the google or bing search words.


The biggest, scariest, and most un-Constitutional blatant power-grab by Congress since the founding of this country, and the important question seems to be if the lone woman on the Super-Committee shouldn’t be two women so women have fair representation?  Seriously?

This is like bitching about which bar the book of matches that the arsonist who burned down your house got them from.


In keeping with the tribute to Nancy Wake, Nazi Killer, I’d like to toast another lady made of interesting stuff.  No, not Margaret Thatcher.  Nor Salma Hayek, nor Uma Thurman, nor Scarlett Johansson, nor Charlize Theron…  (yes, men are pigs)

Hedy Lamar.  Pretty and brains, too.

Any girl can be glamorous.  All she has to do is stand still and look stupid.  – Hedy Lamar, actress and owner of a patent for spread-spectrum controlled torpedo(es) – AKA Secret Communications System

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Update 2:

Hey, it’s “Let’s be a racist black man” Day!!!

An Ann Arbor elementary school principal used a letter home to parents tonight to defend a field trip for black students as part of his school’s efforts to close the achievement gap between white and black students.

Dicken Elementary School Principal Mike Madison wrote the letter to parents following several days of controversy at the school after a field trip last week in which black students got to hear a rocket scientist.

“In hindsight, this field trip could have been approached and arranged in a better way,” Madison wrote. “But as I reflect upon the look of excitement, enthusiasm and energy that I saw in these children’s eyes as they stood in the presence of a renowned African American rocket scientist in a very successful position, it gave the kids an opportunity to see this type of achievement is possible for even them.

“It was not a wasted venture for I know one day they might want to aspire to be the first astronaut or scientist standing on the Planet Mars.”

What, encouraging MY kids and inspiring them is somehow less important because they are white?   It is MORE important to inspire black kids because they are black?

That’s racism.  Goes both ways dude, and that is a wonderful life lesson you’ve just given all of them.

The idea that the black kids would have their experience lessened by the presence of white kids is racism.



Ok, we need to take our nation BACK.  The full article is linked there – I suggest you go read it on the NBC site.

Students Kicked Off Campus for Wearing American Flag Tees?

GEORGE KIRIYAMA  Thu, May 6, 2010

On any other day at Live Oak High School in Morgan Hill, Daniel Galli and his four friends would not even be noticed for wearing T-shirts with the American flag. But Cinco de Mayo is not any typical day especially on a campus with a large Mexican American student population.

Galli says he and his friends were sitting at a table during brunch break when the vice principal asked two of the boys to remove American flag bandannas that they wearing on their heads and for the others to turn their American flag T-shirts inside out. When they refused, the boys were ordered to go to the principal’s office.

They said we could wear it on any other day,” Daniel Galli said, “but today is sensitive to Mexican-Americans because it’s supposed to be their holiday so we were not allowed to wear it today.”

The boys said the administrators called their T-shirts “incendiary” that would lead to fights on campus.

How is it that THEIR holiday supercedes our rights here in America?  Time to send them all packing.

Then one student says this:

Freshman Laura Ponce, who had a Mexican flag painted on her face and chest, told the Morgan Hill Times that Cinco de Mayo is the “only day” Mexican-American students can show their national pride.

Laura, your national pride, you little twit, should be aimed at your country.  You’re either American or Mexican – pick one but I think I speak for a lot of American when I say you can’t be both.


A good friend, Enas Yorl… I worry about him.

He’s a WoW Zombie.

No, I don’t actually worry about him.  He’s a big boy.  It’s fun to pretend that I’m worried for his well-being – but he pops up every now and then.  He’s good.

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I know this is in the news but it’s too fun to pass up…

Australians urged to eat camels – to protect the environment.

The report in part says:

Australians were urged Tuesday to eat camels to stop them wreaking environmental havoc, just months after being told to save the world from climate change by consuming kangaroos.

Who the hell writes this stuff?  Who the hell writes news articles about it?

One of the report writers, Professor Murray McGregor, says a good way to bring down the number of camels was to eat them. (Bright spark, that one.)

Eat a camel today, I’ve done it – Prof. McGregor

If you are eating camels and you are not bringing the number of them down, the imagination is allowed all manner of horrific imagery.

You might have already bought into the idea put forward a few months ago where the Australians were told to swap out cows and throw in kangaroos.

Apparently they are less flatulent, at least where methane is concerned.

But (lets assume I am a pants-wetting globular worming freak) if you get kangaroos, the fences now have to be twice (or more) as high as they are now, thus doubling the amount of fencing and more than doubling the amount of work to build them, plus all the other little things that ‘roos entail where they are harder to work with.  I imagine trying to milk a ‘roo is (1) less productive in terms of quantity, and (2) damn near impossible.
Besides, “Come on out, I’ll put a ‘roo on the barby” doesn’t ring well.


Usually you can defuse this “In the Doghouse” kind of thing with a question showing lots of compassion, showing that you care and are supportive, like:

Is it that time of the month again?

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