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Posts Tagged ‘hot sauce’

Today I took my bottle of Blair’s Mega-Death Sauce to work.

If you’re just stumbling in, BMDS is a sauce I bought while passing through Hell, Michigan?

Heat.

How to describe it? Well, take a smoky pepper, one with hints of fruit from the habanero, add in the brightness of a jalapeno, add some salt, swirl it around some vinegar for tartness’ sake, and then add the crushed souls of harp seals and rhesus monkeys… and napalm.

Is it as hot as a bhut jolokia? Not. Even. Close. But it is zippy.

Only two co-workers had the testicular fortitude to try some today – Rectified Diode and The Dude.

Diode did really well and identified some of the flavors but then stumbled – stumbled hard – when he licked his lips. The burning sensation on the lips is a force that one must take seriously. He took his leave rather suddenly to go find some pop in the lunchroom. I cannot mock him for his response – it’s a powerful burn to the lips. Hey, he was one of two to even try it.

Next came The Dude. He and I regularly eat thai food, vietnamese, and korean food and always loaded with chilies, and we have roughly the same tolerance. He also recognized the flavors and appreciated the smokiness. It was his opinion that it’d go great in some guacamole or perhaps a bowl of chili. I concur.

Then the evening got interesting.

I went into the boss’ office with the bottle and a coffee-stirrer. I said “Squatting Bear, only two people – Diode and The Dude – had the balls to even try this. No one else had any guts whatsoever. So I figured I’d give you a chance.”

In guy-speak this is as good as calling a guy a p*ssy in advance if he refuses to try it, or basically the equivalent strength of the dreaded Triple-Dog-Dare.

Note: For reasons we will not go into I gave my boss that nickname years and years ago. Yes, he is aware of it. No, I do not call him by it.

He had to try it, he had no choice, really, and I am a soulless bastard for manipulating him so cruelly.

I pulled the coffee-stirrer straw out of my pocket and unscrewed the lid, placing it directly between us. Then I arched an eyebrow Spock-style and non-verbally dared him to do it.

He looked at me, dipped the stirrer and stared at it. I think the part of the label that says “Not to be consumed directly, dilute in food” might have spooked him a bit.

I sighed and tipped the bottle and coated my index finger with it and smeared it all around my tongue and showed him my spotless finger. I told him he could just touch the straw with his tongue as there was a decent amount on the straw. He rebelled against the very idea because I had bound him with a socially-binding contract – he’d been backed into the Triple-Dog-Dare corner even though I never actually had to utter those words.

He touched it to his tongue and started getting that “Oh no” look.

With gusto I took the stirrer from his trembling hand and licked every last bit off the stirrer and said “MMMMM-mmm, damn that’s good. That’s some serious gour-MAY sh*t there, boss.”

He grimaced and said “It just hit my throat.”

I said “Yes, I’m a bastard.”

Here he made pantomiming motions that should absolutely be interpreted as “Blood from The Alien splashed into my open mouth and just burned through my lower jaw and then splattered the ground”. He pulled it together and said “I am not much of a spicy food eater.”

“Never too late to start, SB! Have a great evening!”

In retrospect I probably should have weighed more carefully the possibility that he could fire me at any moment but it sure seemed like a fun idea at the time.

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Update:

If you’re like me, the idea of sustainable caviar sounds terrific.

I wonder if they can do it for the Masago? (Capelin)

Why do I care?  Because I’m going to be making uramaki tonight.  Alas, I wish it were truly sushi/sashimi, but the cost of getting sashimi-grade fish to the midwest… not meant to be.   Cruel Wife loves california rolls – not Japanse but still pretty tasty – so I will make some up.  Some Masago or Tobiko would go nice though.  I forgot to pick up Unagi when I was at the store (eel).  Bummer.

When I make my first million dollars, I’ll order this.  Or maybe I’ll just fly to the best sushi place I can think of and order up about 20lbs of assorted tuna pieces.

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Teacher found guilty of putting hot sauce in autistic kid’s soda.

“I love all my autistic children,” she told WFOR. “That’s why I’ve done it for so many years. It’s not an easy task but I love doing it. And whatever happened was not done intentionally.”

How do you unintentionally grab hot sauce, unscrew the lid or rip open the packet, place it above a soda can, and then hold it there long enough for sauce to go into the can?

Like, your Honor, the gun just went off!

It makes about as much sense as “accidentally” stabbing someone to death with 37 stabs.

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Good God, in this day and age, someone finally displayed some common sense. Thanks for reporting this, WESH-2 (Orlando, FL)

The lady had more cats in her home than allowed by law, a fire that was started by carpenter ants burned the home down with some of the cats.  Technically it is a fine-able offense, having that many cats.  But then:

Animal Control was going to fine Spivey up to $4,000, but Daytona Beach Police Chief Mike Chitwood said that would be inappropriate.”What purpose are we going to accomplish by fining her when she’s just lost her house and everything in it,” he said. “I think a little compassion here is in order.”

The police chief deserves recognition.

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“It’s not you, it’s me – you repulse me.”

Where was that said?  I mean, besides my own experiences on the dating scene.

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Speaking of repulsive.  How the hell do you pile garbage 8 ft high in your home?  And then die under it… that’s plain sad.

The Florida Times-Union reports that officers were checking on Carina E. Decampo late Tuesday, after worried family members called to say they hadn’t heard from her in weeks.

How worried can a family be if they allow her to live in such squalor?

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