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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Update:  cbullitt posted a graphic of mine to celebrate his 16,000th spam.

I had fun with this one.  A bit jaggy if you zoom in on FemSpamBot but if you keep your distance it smooths out.

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I bet the baby ones taste even better.

Thanks to The Dude – aka “Wilson”, for pointing this one out.

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Laconic Pup brought this to my attention with the subject line:  Navy 1, Terrorists 0.

THIS is how I want my tax dollars spent… effectively.

New photos released Friday show what the U.S. Navy says is the aftermath of suspected pirates attacking a Sierra Leone-flagged tanker this week in the Somali Basin.

The confrontation between the MV Evita and two suspected pirate skiffs was disrupted by the U.S. Navy destroyer, USS Farragut, according to the U.S Navy. The suspected bandits’ “mother skiff” was destroyed and sunk.

“The pirates have become bolder and are attacking ships further away from the Somali shores,” said Rear Adm. Bernard Miranda of the Singapore navy.

The Evita fired flares and sped up to ward off the attackers, who were armed with rifles and rocket-propelled grenades.

Coalition forces were summoned by the International Maritime Bureau in Kuala Lumpur and the UK Maritime Trade Operations office in Dubai, who received a call of aid from the Evita.

The Evita was also assisted by a Swedish vessel, which located the suspected pirates’ skiffs and witnessed them throwing equipment overboard.

Farragut coalition forces found 11 suspected pirates aboard the skiffs, along with fuel drums and grappling hooks.

Coalition forces released the suspected pirates after making sure they couldn’t attack again.

It’s that last sentence… the best way I can think to ensure that they couldn’t attack again would be to gouge their eyes out and crush their fingers.

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Cruel Wife’s Paw…

I don’t mean the in-laws, who are here for more days yet.

Nope, Cruel Wife had carpal tunnel surgery today.  Post-op I’m sitting in back with her as she de-groggified, and threatened messy divorce if I did an April Fool’s on the nurse.

I was going to pull off her heartbeat/O2 monitor and shout “She’s having a seizure!!”

The nurses, being the jolly lot they are would have laughed a lot but CW was having none of it.

I suggested “Nurse, is she supposed to be bleeding all over?”  and that was quickly shot down, too.

My final suggestion was to holler “GOD-DAMN, is that a ****ing RAT???”

Cruel Wife likes to say she has a sense of humor but not really.

She’s resting comfortably.  Sort of.

You wouldn’t believe the running to and fro I’m doing for this tyrant.

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Because it is funny, that’s why.

Why, really, is a theory of mine. We ultimately laugh as a release of tension, and when we laugh at someone else’s misfortune it is partially a subconscious recognition of “Thank God that wasn’t me.”

Plus, we laugh because there is a part in all of us that is just plain ol’ mean ornery bastard.

Kids, you tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. – Homer Simpson

Like, ferinstance, you can laugh at this guy who had one arm compounded and the other hyperextended badly enough to not be able to use either arm well for weeks. Admit it, there’s some laughter there.

(Before you get all snotty about laughing at other people’s pain, don’t… that was me in 1988, and *I* laugh at it. Talk about being humbled!)

I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman!  – Homer Simpson

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All I gotta say is that it is about goddamned time. You won’t wake up to a communist state for at least a little while, because you are still able to defend yourselves (those of you who haven’t abdicated any hope of ever doing so by being a pacifist – I guess we’ll do your job for you if/when it happens).  Read about the Supreme Court on your right to self-defense.

http://www.scotusblog.com/wp/

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MRRREOWWWW.

PROOF that education is no substitute for intelligence.  (emphasis mine)

Next up: a professor who took a full six minutes announcing her credentials and then said, “I used up my entire pension supporting Hillary. I went to 13 states and knocked on doors. I want everyone in this room to write in the name of Hillary Clinton on the ballot when they go to vote and …”

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The Dude passed on a link to TimesOnline, where they have communist jokes.

Bitch about the US all you want all you tree hugger, hemp-wearing, slackster in-a-haze coffee-house misanthropes, but it’s still more free than any other country in the world.

The Russia has reclaimed it’s title as a nasty communist state, and it only took them 20 years to recover from the Gipper. China… well, China is in a class all it’s own. Please keep in mind I’m referring to the government in both countries, the mafia in the the former Soviet States, and China’s internal policy on restriction of information flow (aka Censorship).

My favorites:

An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.
There is a menacing banging on the door.
‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.
‘Death ‘comes the reply.
‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’
Dan Sweeney

The next one is cynical as hell. Which is why I like it.

A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.
The KGB says “What are you reading old man?” The old man says “I am trying to teach myself Hebrew.”
KGB says “Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done.”
“I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven.” the old man replies.
“But what if when you die you go to Hell?” asks KGB.
And the old man replies, “Russian, I already know.”
Larry Rasczak

The winner was Larry Freeman. Damned if you do…

Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.

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Good a time as any to voice this beef…

Newser.com

Airline Profits Soar on Hellish 3Q – Posted Oct 19, 07 (Newser) – The worst summer in a decade for the air traveler turned into the most lucrative for the airline industry. Carriers’ profits soared on overbooking that led to cramped conditions and a quarter of all flights arriving late, the LA Times reports. Consumer groups are furious. “They’re making money hand over fist at the expense of passengers,” says one advocate.

OK, got that? Capitalism BAD.  Airlines are making too much profit and hurts consumers.

Now we have complaints from several people (NPR today)  how airlines are dying because of fuel prices and then almost in the same breath how the market will let them adjust and become profitable again.

Oh, ok.  Capitalism GOOD with airlines, Bad with fuel companies.

So.  What we have then is if airlines are doing bad, then capitalism is good because it’s the way out (except for oil companies) and we should stop beating airlines down.  If airlines are profitable, it’s because of nasly ol’ capitalism and the airlines need regulation so they don’t profit off of consumers.

So really what we have is a bunch of people who want a damned Socialist State?

There’s your proof.

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Day 2 of a really bitchin’ headache so I thought I’d just run through and share images that got caught in the trap in the disposal…

I’m thinking that tomorrow I shall put thoughts into words regarding China, Russia, the Middle East, and how those all clash with the West – and why I worry about these things.

Who here can remember one of the all-time best games, right up there next to Half Life, Deus Ex, and Far Cry (before the Trigens)?

Yes, Redneck Rampage®!!

Shown here is a Rabid Jackalope heading towards our hero, Leonard. What’s he firing? He has: A bolt on the crossbow. A stick of dyanmite lashed to the bolt for a redneck RPG. The whole works shoved up a chicken’s hoo-hoo for a guided rpg. Oh yeah.

There’s your buddy, Bubba. He’s continually getting captured by evil clones of your neighbors and too stoopid to get himself out of trouble. (sounds like a Star Wars plot)

Enclosed in the Redneck Rampage box is a small-town newspaper (really and truly) called the Hickston Hog. An advert inside had this little lady in the Personals section as I recall.

**update: just found it. You can read it here: redneck_rampage_manual.

Moving right along. Chicken anyone?

If they aren’t properly cooked, they’re not going to hang around for Round 2.

Oh I couldn’t resist.

This pic, titled “How to Ruin a Romantic Evening” gets it spot on. Of course everyone knows you don’t serve a blush wine in a hot-tub. You steer towards the Gewürz.

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