Now Hear This.

Wasn’t called in last week but I had to report for jury duty today.

Waited in Purgatory for a while, drinking complimentary coffee that had been sent up from Hell.  When not even Hell wants the coffee it goes to one of two places – juror waiting rooms and Starbucks™.

We got the call and shuffled out to the sounds of whips cracking and somebody in the back yelling “Moooov ’em out!”  Bossy in front of me was told to please muffle her bells.  Thus the journey of a thousand yards began with but a single hoof-step.

When we were seated in the courtroom The Judge (Her Honorableness) gave us the usual inspirational speech and then asked if anyone had a medical condition, like a bad back, that would possibly be an issue.  Several people did and they talked back and forth for a while but no one was dismissed.

The Judge asked if anyone had bad vision.  After some silence I raised my hand and said “I’ve got bad hearing and read lips.”  I helpfully pulled my hearing aid out and held it up.   It’s black so from a distance it looks remarkably like the evil earwig thing from The Wrath of Khan.

The Judge quickly looked at lawyer #1 and asked “Pass him over?”   He nodded.   The Judge asked lawyer #2 the same and he said “He can go.”

Not only do they worry that someone’s back to me would cause me to miss some of the conversations but they also don’t like lip-readers because I would be able to tell what a lawyer was whispering to his client.

In the words of the Court Clerk: “We’ve had lip-readers before and it really screws things up.”

I can just imagine myself in the juror’s box and suddenly standing up in outrage and pointing at a lawyer and then his client, yelling “You BASTARD!  HE KILLED KENNY!”

This, I imagine, would not have a favorable outcome.

In the context of performing one’s civic duty, I’m a Legal Leper.  Outcast unclean.  A pariah.

Cool.

Read Full Post »