Posts Tagged ‘live food’

To borrow heavily from Weasel – steal, actually:

On weekends lemur resteses.

In other words, I could use a few days off. I’m beat. Whipped. Zonked. Zapped. Folded. Spindled. Mutilated. I’m just going to post some old cynical stuff I wrote a long time ago for kicks.

My “leave me alone” sign for my office door:


If you are bleeding to death, being eaten alive by wild goats, or on fire, send me an e:mail and I’ll see what I can do. Otherwise, if you see my door closed it probably means that I am not currently feeling receptive to:

Small talk, chit chat, jokes, innuendo, blunt character assassinations, vulcan mind melds, gossip, company representatives, currency exchange, Dixie Chicks, cookie sales, tongue bifurcations, charitable institutions, religious tracts, tummy tucks, snide comments, free shampoo samples, games of Twister in the meeting area, hot dog eating contests, David Blaine stunts, hoola hoops, body piercings, live food, Tim Robbins, brain surgery, gardening techniques, botox injections, Oprah Week, limburger cheese, fungal infections, cretins, poisonous snakes, ingrown toenails, insurance salesmen, stories of fallen arches, whiny requests, vomit, or poodles (of any kind).

This list is by no means complete and is a work in progress, use it as a set of  loose general guidelines.

I am receptive to: chilies (of any kind) or recipes involving spotted owls or snail-darters.

Ok. That pretty much puts it right on the table, doesn’t it? I thought so. Problem was, it was not universally loved and the one man who signed my paychecks was unmoved by my whining, so down it went. Same thing went for my work e:mail signature block:

DISCLAIMER: The information contained in this e-mail message may be privileged, confidential and protected from disclosure. If you are not the intended recipient, any further disclosure, use, dissemination, distribution, ingestion, exposure, printing, photographing, smoke-signaling, astral projecting, or copying of this message or any attachment is strictly prohibited, strongly discouraged, frowned upon, illegal, unethical, immoral, and just plain wrong and may result in your being fed to giant goat-eating cockroaches, diseased skunks, or rabid squirrels (depending on availability). If you think you have received this e-mail message in error, please e-mail the sender using a doubly-encrypted and digitally signed message with not less than two references (and an affidavit) at the above address and permanently delete the e-mail using at least three of the following – DoD approved wipe of your entire hard drive, disposal of your entire computer via thermite ordnance, trash compaction (3 passes, please), degaussing of exposed hard-drive subcomponents in not less than a 4 Tesla B-field, AND complete behavioral and memory reconditioning at any US Gov’t approved CIA safehouse. Although this e-mail and any attachments are believed to be free of any virus, bacteria, fungal infestations, prions, waxy buildups, otherwise unclassified pathogens, neurotoxins, mutagenic/teratrogenic/carcinogenic compounds, anaesthetics, stimulants, aphrodisiacs, antidepressants, asphyxiants, combustibles, explosives, blemishs, secretions, or other defects that might affect any computer system into which they are received and opened, it is the responsibility of the recipient to ensure that they are free of all forms of harm (debilitating or otherwise) and no responsibility is accepted by anyone, really, or any of their affiliates for any loss or damage arising in any way from their use.

You may have noticed a recurring theme: goats.

My suspicion is that it either came from Dr. Seuss OR from Berke Breathed. Either one is a badge of honor since they influenced my thinking greatly.

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