Dark suspicions in Darkest Texas.

By now you have figured out that the biggest thing to happen to me in a decade (that was pure fun) was our recent trip to Texas.

What you do not know is the dark and seedy underbelly of Texas, at least their part in what I suspect to be a global conspiracy.

My kids were very excited at Sea World – they were getting to see Shamu. The first two pics are Shamu at Sea World, in Texas.

This next pic is Shamu in Los Angeles.

These are all three different than I remember as a kid in Los Angeles.

I suspect that this “Shamu”… is not the same whale in any of the appearances. If “Shamu” is even his real name.

Yes. It is THAT DARK.

Hey, speaking of attention whores, have a look at Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga. The most miserable excuse for a human being since Marilyn Manson.

Now look at two non-attention-whores who were having a lot of fun with a boa. Lemurita and HackerBoy love snakes.

This still doesn’t fix the problem with the damn killer whale and the issue of the geckos in Texas having a drawl and not a cockney brit accent, which I’ve come to expect if I’m going to save 15% or more in 15minutes or less when buying my car insurance over the phone.

More later. It is 2:30am.

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Stepping Backward in Time.

All righty then.  We have returned to Michigan.  Tired, slightly saddened at leaving friends, glad to be home, and delighted to be in our comfy beds with warm furry kitties at hand.

HackerBoy was in tears.  Lemurita and I were zombies.  Cruel Wife was semi-comatose.  Aggie got us on the train though.

Since I have access to only my camera at the moment, I’ll show some pics going backwards in the vacation to Deepest Darkest Hottest Texas the Part That Burns Your Retinas Out (DDHTPTBYRO).  This is the stuff from the second-to-last day.

All pics get bigger if you click on them.  I think.

The honorable evil Jedi Master, Mr. Sith, offered to teach Lemurita and HackerBoy how to hunt for Texas Geckos.  Here is Lemurita and HackerBoy’s first independently caught gecko.

Dang. Haven’t even licked my eyes lately and you just flashed me with a camera.

We visited a snake farm.  With Lemurs.

Deep in thought but with a thousand yard stare.

Next, I will show you a picture not from the snake farm but something one might wish for on the farm in certain heightened circumstances.

This is a famous machete that is purported to be very very useful for killing zombies.  Note the zombie blood and gristle on the blade.

Zombie-Killing Machete™

THIS is the Boomslang that kept licking its scaly little chops at me, making me wish I had a Zombie-Killing Machete™ with me…  He was eyeballing me and I was eyeballing him twice as hard.

THIS is a cougar.  No, not the frisky slightly-older-woman type, but the big kitty that purrs kind.

What do you mean, smile? I AM smiling.

Have a nice green Verdi-Boa or something like that.  Eldest Sith could probably tell me the real name of it.  I was too busy trying to snap pics to pay much attention, sadly.

Snake. Yawning. Charming and creepy.

A Peahen was looking regal so I snapped one of Her Majesty.

Here is a black lizard Tree Monitor thing.

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While we’re speaking of snakes…

Well as an aside, we appear to be in a transitional period and postings are kind of scarce.  Things are scary but could be worse.  We’re learning to live with the new realities.

On to the posting…

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Thanks to FARK we have this one…

Is anesthesia a luxury when a 5-foot snake and Taco Bell proportions of gas are shoved up your ass?

Well, no, I wouldn’t think so… no.

I didn’t really make the connection that the article might be on colonoscopies.  I pictured a boa and antacid tablets used in some awful combination.

Go look at the link.

The first thing to strike me was that the doctor was wearing a mask.  I thought “DUDE… you’ve got a snake… shove up some guy’s BUTT… and you’re worried about your germs?

[Loooong silence after reading this to Cruel Wife… loooooong silence…]

Nope.  I got nothin’.

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Hey, remember last week, I drove through Dexter to the sound of tornado sirens?  When I went through again, how I saw damaged buildings and downed trees?  And how friend and co-worker Butcher of Lansing saw the twister up close?

Check out this pic.  Where you see the red arrow, that is where I was when I heard the siren start up.   A few minutes later and I really would have been there.  Click on it and it will get bigger.  See the red arrow?  Bad magic.  Notice that abrupt jog that it makes as it goes NW to SE?  That’s where it decided to spare the downtown part of Dexter.  Well, wasn’t that considerate of it?

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Again, FARK…

Asking for a Brazilian wax will result in a police call if you’re wearing blue pantyhose and are male

… ? … ?? … (to Cruel Wife) … ???… that really needed to be said?

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Next time you are lamenting your issues with getting the kids to go to bed, please, realize that it could be worse.  Much worse.  Your 8 year old could drive your five year old to the store in your car at 2:30AM and total your car.  As you sleep.

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Now, mothers at daycares may care that the teacher is hot-hot-hot and a model but I’m pretty sure there’d be a lot more fathers helping split the effort of getting them there and back.  I mean, damn, there’s just nothing wrong here that I can see.  Me?  I say “Oh get a grip you insecure mothers… you’re just envious that you don’t have that… and that… and that… and… oh my…”

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How many times has this happened to you…?

“I could feel her breath on me. I’ve never been so terrified in my life.  I guess by instinct I rolled over so she wouldn’t hurt something vital. I didn’t know what she was going to do and then the bear bit me in my butt.”

Sounds like date night when the kids are away, doesn’t it?  Except for the bear part, I’m guessing.

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Wrap your brain around this?

Franken-boy turned six recently.  The wrap-around in the title has more to do with a python wrapped around a limb this weekend than any intellectual exercise.

Some weekends we usually go to this small coffee shop a half hour away and hang out with my buddy from the UofM.  About a month ago we were there and we had someone give us a flyer to a reptile zoo.  We offered to the boy the chance to have his birthday party with a bunch of snakes and lizards or Chuck E. Cheese’s.  I would argue that either place gives you snakes and lizards but the zoo has higher-quality ones.

Here is the question:

Do six year old boys like birthday parties if they involve snakes and lizards?

Do frogs have watertight assh*les?  Of course they do!  Are bears Catholic?  Does the Pope crap in the woods?  Do Occupy America losers sniff their own farts?

We got the party favors, Cruel Wife baked a snake-cake, we brought in pop, and we made a pizza run partway through the party.

What was there?  Glad you asked, because that is what I asked.  There were:

1. Pythons
2. Chameleons
3. Tortoises
4. Bearded Dragons
5. Blue-Tongued Skinks (minor disappointment on my part when I learned that it was skinks and not skanks, but in the context we were working in, skinks really made more sense)
6. Boas
7. Rhino Iguanas (will charge anything but didn’t use a single credit card while we were there)
8. Monitor lizards
9. Crickets (food)
10. Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches (maybe food)
11. Scorpions†
12. Tarantulas‡
13. Brazilian Pink Salmon Bird Eating Tarantula (say that even once really fast, I dare you)
14. Uromastyxes
15. More criters
16. Still more critters
17. And more critters

† My least favorite animal  (tied for first place with earwigs)

‡ My second least favorite animal

The coolest part was near the end where they brought out some of the animals and let the kids hold them.  Blue-Tongued Skinks are cool.

The boy grinned from ear-to-ear with a big cheesy grin when he got to hold a real-live snake.  He was in awe when a 20 foot python hung down from it’s branch and was 6 inches from the boy’s nose (separated by glass).  Boy and snake stared at each other for minutes and minutes, which is pretty good for an autistic kid.

Meanwhile we were monitored by the Monitor Lizard who stood on it’s hind legs and monitored us as we went through the exhibits.  He did his job well.

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I saw the pain clinic people again today.  I have officially given in and reluctantly agreed to higher doses of painkillers.  After months of the worsened state of discomfort from the herniated discs I gave up, especially since the neck and head are killing me (figuratively) and the arm and hand don’t feel all that much different from being scalded with hot water.   The only thing this afternoon that kept me from chopping my arm off at the elbow was the knowledge that it wouldn’t accomplish anything.

No, painkillers don’t help all that much for chronic pain but they take the sharp screaming edges off.

Friday is the meeting with another surgeon, and hopefully this guy will have a better solution.

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PSA Regarding Silicone Ta-tas

Who knew that sucking on silicone was bad? It’s supposed to be inert – you know for moving parts, hydraulics, fun-bags, etc.

Certainly this poor snake was unaware of the health risks.

Men, let this sad moment in herpetology be a sobering reminder to you!  Read the ingredients list first then decide whether to latch onto something.

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A little humor to lighten up the mood after that sobering PSA.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off, the Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” said the Marine. “I’m in the aisle seat. I’ll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s right shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with a Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I’d really like one, too.” Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine’s left shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?”

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Oh yes, if you see this graphic floating around… IGNORE IT.  It’s a total crock.  US NRC wouldn’t be measuring in Rems and they certainly wouldn’t publish sh*t like this.  I strongly suggest that if the nuclear “stuff” were THAT dangerous, no nuclear reactors would ever have been built nor nuclear weapons because a bomb would have been un-necessary.  That sort of thing leans towards cobalt bombs and I just don’t know enough to say any more.

Plus this popped up and was listed as having come from some official source in Australia.  Yeah, sure.

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Frankenboy Returns!!!

Update:

It is 10:15pm and I gave up and called CW rather than wait for her to call me.  There was an emergency case that came through that the docs had to deal with so they just now finished stitching the boy up.  Sixteen stitches to his knee and some decent opiates, so even though I have not seen his latest “owie” (his words) I can guess that it looked gross.  Good thing they took him to the regular hospital since the urgent care left a lot of debris in the wound.  They haven’t left yet so… we wait.

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I got a call from Cruel Wife while I was at work today.  Through casual conversation she frantically told me the news…

Frankenboy slipped on the bricks next to the fireplace and gashed his knee clean open. Yay!

Stitches.  Blood.  Hollerin’.  Bloody mess.

Thing about owning a dog like Zoe-pup – it means never having to clean up a bloody mess yourself.  I got home and the place was spotless and really just cleaner than clean.

On the way home I stopped by the pharmacy and picked him up a rubber snake – and put a bandaid on it’s knee.  Wherever that is.

They’re still there getting him patched up so I’ll fill y’all in later.  Had no idea it would stretch out this long.

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