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Posts Tagged ‘swine flu’

Pluggin’ Away.

A co-worker, Capricious Half-Breed, pointed out a great comic, Penny Arcade.

This is not your kid’s comics, folks.  One of the artists has Swine Flu.  Naturally, Swine Flu strips have been sighted.   To convince you that you probably want to check it out, I’ve linked the very first one I ever saw.  Hi-freakin’-larious.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/5/26/  - by Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/5/26/ - by various people - go see the site

Just thought I’d do my part to add to their visibility.

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Wall Street Journal op/ed on Obama “Failing Miserably“.

What all this means is, barring some unforeseeable world event, Obama’s will probably not be a historic presidency. He will have some successes and a lot of failures. His opposition won’t roll over, and his party will refuse to go along with his more costly, and thus risky, schemes. He won’t coast to reelection.  [more…]

Problem I foresee with a black president “failing miserably”.  Just wait for the cries of “it was racism!” instead of “Boy he sure fooled us with his grandiose puffed-up idears, didn’t he, Mabel?”

We’re already seeing how two simple words “You lie!” can be considered racially-charged by those who are just hoping beyond hope that they see an honest-to-God case of Whitey beating down a Brother.

I don’t care if the guy was my favorite color of green, his policies still scare me.

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Oooh, more racial divide!

The Rev. Floyd Rose called for Valdosta City School Superintendent Dr. Bill Cason’s resignation Monday night.

<snip>

Rose went on to say that any offer to show the speech later is not acceptable, he said.

“Here is what I know, here is what you know, here is what the hundreds of people here and out in the street know,” Rose said. “If Dr. Cason were black and 80 percent of the school children in his district were white, and he arbitrarily decided not to allow white children to watch a white president’s ‘back to school’ speech,’ and whites came here tonight in the numbers that blacks have come to protest, he would resign, or be fired. And we are here to demand no less.”

<snip>

Rose got a standing ovation after his address to the board.

Cason then responded to what he called “allegations and accusations.”

He said that he received notification of the speech only several days before it was scheduled to be shown.

Cason went on to say that lesson plans were included to be used before, during and after the speech.

During his comments a person from the audience shouted “He lies!”

As the lesson plans were presented they did not align with [Georgia Performance Standards], Cason said.

Any offer to show the speech later is unacceptable, huh?  Why?  He doesn’t care about whether it is shown or not, he’s mad because of a perceived slight and nothing will suffice besides getting even with the superintendent.

Hey, wait… isn’t the “He lies” remark a case of black on white racism?

No, because black folk are genetically incapable of racism.  It’s commonly known.

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I’m going to try to lay out the vacation better than I have so far.  I have just not felt well enough to do so until now.  We’ll go backwards through the story.  It is a well known literary device called “going backwards through the story” and is used when all other flashes of inspiration fail utterly.

Seattle:  Part Deux.

We left my father’s house in a flurry of suitcases which were packed so tightly that the addition of a single crazy straw would have created miniature black holes and torn the fabric of the space-time continuum.  Seven nearly-black-holes were safely packed in the back of our rental car and we were on our way.

That rental car, by the way, is one of the single biggest reasons for economic upturn, costing over $1,000 for two weeks.  Ow.  But we did our part.

Our drive north towards Seattle was rather dull.  It was spiced up a bit by my continued wheezing and gasping for breath.  I sounded like a veteran Darth Vader impersonator and scared the kids silly.

As mentioned in an earlier post, we stopped off at Albany, Oregon to go to the ER.  Albany is better than Deliverance, but still has that certain air about it that causes one’s senses to cry out in alarm.  Possibly this is because of the pulp mill.

I shuffled into the ER and said “(wheeze) I feel horrible (rattle) and am (wheeze) having trouble (gasp) breathing…”  In a near-state of laid-back panic they rushed me into triage where I sat next to this little clock sign with a cartoon rooster that said “Back in 15 minutes”.  Fifteen minutes later the nurse waddled in and began with the important questions – do you have insurance, ID, note from your mother, proof of citizenship (can be waived if you are president), and a DNA registry number?   I had some of them and presented them for her myopic review.

I was passed through the Portals of Well-Being and led to a bed.  The nurse there assisted me in putting on a hospital gown that looked suspiciously like a Thneed from Dr. Seuss’s The Lorax.  It wasn’t scratchy at all so it is possible it actually was from a Truffula Tree, which is unusual, even in Oregon.

The nurse carefully looked me over for places to put electrodes and promptly slapped them on whatever part had the most hair – maybe she had a dual major in Nursing/Waxing.

I explained that I couldn’t breathe and was having tingling/numbness in my fingertips and that I was beyond exhausted.  I actually was able to relax a tiny bit in the bed which is very nice considering they are normally made from gravel and bone fragments.  She turned on the monitors and set the volume for the most pleasing setting where the monitor sounds go <BONK> <BONK><CRASH><WHEE!-WHEE!-WHEE!> at irregular intervals.  I was lucky – the sound from the bed next to me was that of machine guns punctuated by the screaming of livestock in a slaughter yard.  The guy’s moaning did me no favors, either.  Geez, get a room, willya?

A half hour later the doctor came by, read the chart, asked me the exact same questions by rote, yawned, and then ignored everything I told him.  He suggested a nebulizer treatment – which didn’t seem necessary to me because everything was quite nebulous already, thank you.  It looked like a gigantic medical hookah, and was steaming and puffing all over the place.  I admit I did get a little excited when I saw that it definitely looked SteamPunk – brass, wood, and leather all over.

To my great surprise it worked.  I could breathe again, which was a mixed blessing because of the way Albany smells, but I decided to make the best of it – we were to be leaving Albany as soon as possible.

We left Albany after another hour wait at the local witch-doctor/pharmacy for an inhaler, some rooster charms, and some round clear pills that looked like fish eggs.

Four child-entertaining-but-adult-IQ-draining DVD’s later we found ourselves in Kent, Washington.  If you’ve never been there, Kent is one of those towns where they drink the beer and then eat the glass.  We got settled into our hotel easily enough and then set about to find a Denny’s for a midnight dinner in a town where everyone seemed to have fresh stitches somewhere on their body.  FrankenStein boy seemed to fit in nicely.

We found a Denny’s and bought a meal that would be familiar to any parent of young children – waffles and cheese sandwiches that weren’t even touched and two adult meals that were covered in congealed grease.  I ate with gusto since I hadn’t had a meal in four days.  It was fantastic until the second-to-last bite when the congealed grease staged a revolt in my lower intestine.

Back at the hotel we whipped the kids silly with SpongeBob toys and pillows until they stayed in bed and then collapsed on our own bed.  Our flight left at 4:30pm the next day so rushing wasn’t necessary.  Rushing would not have worked out well anyway as I was winded every time I had to use the stairs – two steps (wheeze wheeze cough… wait) – two more steps (wheeze wheeze cough… wait).  You get the idea, but it was ever so much worse when I had to carry nearly-black-hole-luggage.  I should be clear here and note that the wife also had pneumonia/tuberculosis/bronchitis/ebola (or whatever this bug is), too, just not as bad.

The airport was a gasping blur.  It whirled around me and drifting through the air were Burger King meals and fries (Cruel Wife and kids) and for me the Udon Noodle Bowl from the Udon-Is-Us airport fast-food joint.  Our standing-room-only flight left 30 minutes late but was made up for by ascending to 63,000 feet and quadrupling our carbon footprint by burning double the fuel and coal mixed with passenger clothes at regular intervals.  Several Goths and karaoke singers disappeared during the flight so I suspect the attendants were surreptitiously lightening the load a bit, too.

Arrived at DTW airport, got our luggage except for one piece which couldn’t make it to the carousel (“lost”) but was somehow correctly delivered 50 feet away to the lost luggage room.  I think they do that so you are later impressed with their ability to snatch lost luggage from the brink of the abyss.  I wasn’t impressed.

We wheezed our way to the shuttle bus, on to our car, and back home in record time.  Cruel Wife ignored every suggestion painted on the roadway and treated signs of every stripe with utter contempt.  I cheered weakly from the shotgun seat and the kids shouted “Do that again!  Cut another semi-truck off again, Mom!”

I was so happy to be home!  Everyone should be so lucky to make it home to die horribly.  Everyone was exhausted and fell asleep quite rapidly even though we were on Pacific Time, certainly by 4am.

We all woke up bright-tailed and bushy-eyed at 2pm.  A few hours later we picked up Zoe-pup.  She piddled her dog britches.  I piddled my jeans.  It was, as I may have said before, a regular piddle-party.

Now a week later, I sit here, drinking narcotic cough syrup which does marginal good, and eating Ceftin.  Ceftin is the second-line antibiotic since the Amoxicillan did not do any good.  Ceftin’s claim to fame is that if you let it dissolve in your mouth the rotten-leaves flavor actually makes the cough syrup taste good by contrast, and  is so intense that drinking out of a dairy-farm manure-pumping pipe sounds like a great way to get the flavor out of your mouth.  Or licking your dog’s butt.  Haven’t tried the pipe yet.

GirlHead has been horribly annoying yet so damn cute I turn into a puddle of goo.  I have no natural defenses against her.  More later.

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Update: Saw this over at doubleplusundead, and it takes precedence over anything else you’ll read here.  It’s a two-hanky kind of thing, and it puts our soldiers where they should be – in our highest respect.

More here on US Army 1st Lt. Brian Brennan.   As far as I’m concerned all of our servicemen/servicewomen are heroes, but stories like Brian’s should be told because of his unstoppability.

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It’s a mocking post, so lets be really annoying then, shall we?  The snippet of news in the graphic was fresh fairly recently although it may have been missed by most.

Mohammeds Secretclick to enlargenzoomify

So I says to myself, “Self, how would you poke obnoxiously at a set of values that puts everyone in this kind of asinine situation?”

Let’s just say that if you are a woman in Saudi Arabia trying to buy a bra… this has to really suck ass.

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Ok, this is terrible.  It’s funny.  It’s got a bad word in it.  Don’t read the bad word.  Laugh.  Live a little.  Make fun of life.  Life is ugly, so mock it and mock it often.

Pooh-PigI don’t know who did the graphic.  Love it though.

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Stolen shamelessly from McGoo.  I am a bad person.  But then he stole it from someone else, so two wrongs cancel out and I can sleep comfortably at night.

two_assholes

Being able to mock frequently is as important as good daily… Thai food.

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They say that this is not suggested but I thought it was obvious.  You wouldn’t want to catch swine flu.

CatchSwineFlu****

As a public service announcement two very highly placed individuals at my office – guys I eat Thai food with – say that Bruce Campbell’s new movie “My Name is Bruce”.

As an Oregon boy, I can’t say as how I’ve seen it yet but I will this weekend, as dog is my co-pilot.  (that would be Zoe)  The plot synopsis starts out well – here’s the first paragraph.

My Name is Bruce is the heroic struggle of a small mining town (Gold Lick, Oregon) to rid itself of a vengeful monster. Guan-di (Jamie Peck), the Chinese god of war and protector of the dead, has been unleashed by cemetery desecrating teenagers to protect the graves of Chinese miners lost in a deadly cave-in of yesteryear.

I grew up in an actual small-mining town in Oregon, so I should know about towns named “Gold Lick”.  First, there is no town named “Gold Lick, Oregon” and second, why did they make the town name sound like a brothel?  Or was that the point?

Whatever… Bruce, you rock dude.  Live forever, and I hope you are enjoying doing Burn Notice as much as I am watching it.

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Over at doubleplusundead, DPUD has provided a link to Tactical Bacon.  God, I am so happy I could just DIE.

tactical bacon

BACON IN A CAN.

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The title I saw today read:

WHO says confirmed flu cases total 331, 10 deaths...

Now I ask you… does that sound like a pandemic?  Out of SIX BILLION people 331 sick and 10 dead are 0.00000055167% and 0.000000167% respectively.

head_in_ass

Try to avoid this.

Or  in the whole world,  1 in  18,126,888 and  1 in 600,000,000 … a logical person will stop and say that it is more important to look at the number of sick people and the number of dead people.  Okay.  So 3% of those people died.  In one country – not counting the child in the US.  I’d take those odds over the first seven entries in the list below.

People expect to win the lottery – what’s that… 1 in 42,000,000?

panic attack

Total number of deaths from various things here in the good ol’ US of A:

Cause of Death Lifetime Odds
Heart Disease 1-in-5
Cancer 1-in-7
Stroke 1-in-23
Accidental Injury 1-in-36
Motor Vehicle Accident* 1-in-100
Intentional Self-harm (suicide) 1-in-121
Falling Down 1-in-246
Assault by Firearm 1-in-325
Fire or Smoke 1-in-1,116
Natural Forces (heat, cold, storms, quakes, etc.) 1-in-3,357
Electrocution* 1-in-5,000
Drowning 1-in-8,942
Air Travel Accident* 1-in-20,000
Flood* (included also in Natural Forces above) 1-in-30,000
Legal Execution 1-in-58,618
Tornado* (included also in Natural Forces above) 1-in-60,000
Lightning Strike (included also in Natural Forces above) 1-in-83,930
Snake, Bee or other Venomous Bite or Sting* 1-in-100,000
Earthquake (included also in Natural Forces above) 1-in-131,890
Dog Attack 1-in-147,717
Asteroid Impact* 1-in-500,000
Tsunami* 1-in-500,000
Fireworks Discharge 1-in-615,488

* Long-term data – tabularized data from LiveScience

Got that? Here in the US you are MORE LIKELY to die of dog attacks,  earthquakes, lightning, tornadoes, etc.  So far it has been 1 in 350,000,000.

Its a non-issue.

anxiety

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Well, never let it be said that muslim countries were without the ability to be really really stupid at times.  Killing the boars in the ZOO to stop the flu?   What are these people using for brains?

Iraq will kill three wild boars in Baghdad Zoo to ward off the new flu sweeping the globe…

… It is also possible the disease could be spread by eating pork, so we banned hunting wild boars…

Well send the damn critters here and we’ll eat them, then.  Jeez, you idiots.

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Is there a name for the phenomenon where idiots think they’ve seen God, the Virgin Mary, and Jesus in toasted cheese sandwiches, grilles, french toast, etc?

Mary in a grill.

Again:

head_in_ass

Pull your head out.

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Spammers are getting more and more creative.

Apparently I sent myself a e:mails with the subjects:

  • Goddammit, reply now!      (violent schizoid behavior)
  • Wondering where is your ass.  (I understand… some days I get to work and a half hour later is a knocking at the door and it is my ass dragging in)
  • Madonna caught swine flu    (don’t tease me)
  • Don’t make me come, answer  (yeah, goddamit)
  • Let’s talk   (I would never say this)
  • Photo:  Hermione’s casino flash   (sounds interesting but I don’t know any Hermione)
  • Msg me  (already done – I eat oriental food daily)

I also get lots of e:mail from my co-workers:

  • my boss:   About your small member   (he must be thinking of the guy in the office two doors down)
  • The Dude:   70% off on Pfizer  (odd since he usually sells to me directly…)
  • a program manager:  Amy wants sex now  (how can I help?)
  • an admin bigwig:  Just a quickie   (thanks for the thought but –  no)
  • another manager:   Invicta watches now!  (I break watches so I don’t own them)
  • the vp:   Let me be your bitch  (I think you mean the other way around…)

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