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Posts Tagged ‘TSA’

I have weturned… again.

My buddy Spaced Diode has been sailing to Bermuda and arrived there on Sunday.bmudaHe’s there now.  I begged him to let me go on the trip – it was five days non-stop sailing in shifts.  I said “Let me cook, or clean, or… I’ll be an anchor!  Yeah!  I’ll be an anchor and I’ll scrub the bottom of the boat while it’s underway!”

If I were still single or without kids I would have flown to Bermuda and made sure I was on the dock sipping a Dr. Pepper as he sailed up and said “Hey, where the $*#)(%^ have you been?”   It would rock him on his oh-so-rational-heels.

He was concerned about sea-sickness prior to leaving.  Said the Dramamine patch has been known to trigger psychoses.  (I suggested using three to five units at all times but no more than six because then, yes, there are some side effects bordering on a true psychotic break).  Then there was the concern about nasty-mannered whales and ballast-blowing submarines.

I promptly mentioned rogue waves, meteorite impacts in the ocean, tsunamis, giant squid, forests of jellyfish, and zombie manatees.

When he gets back we’re going to go on a 1-2 day sail on Lake Michigan.  Leave the wives and kids behind and enjoy two days of silence.  And talk about geeky shit.

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The Dept. of Homeland Insecurity assures us that laptops and phones can be searched based on hunches.  Note the wording and the order of said wording:

It contends limiting such searches would prevent the U.S. from detecting child pornographers or terrorists and expose the government to lawsuits.

Well, who doesn’t think it is a good idea to catch child-ped-pr0n’ers?  And while we’re at it we’ll catch terrorists, too!  So let us search your shit, too, you perv.  – TSA Commandant Sausagefingers McPhee as he genuflected towards Obama’s life-sized halo’ed marble statue (the one where he’s riding Karl Rove with a saddle and spurs)

This reminds me in a lot of ways of Mitchell’s favoritest movie – Blade Runner.  Deckard goes to meet a replicant named Zhora, who is a nude dancer and he is pretending to be an authority.

Deckard: I’m not here to make you join. No ma’am. That’s not my department. Actually, uh. I’m from the, uh, Confidential Committee on Moral Abuses.

Zhora: Committee of Moral Abuses?

Deckard: Yes, ma’am. There’s been some reports that the management has been taking liberties with the artists in this place.

Zhora: I don’t know nothing about it.

Deckard: Have you felt yourself to be exploited in any way?

Zhora: How do you mean, exploited?

Deckard: Well, like to get this job. I mean, did you do, or– or were you asked to do anything that’s lewd or unsavory or otherwise, uh, repulsive to your person, huh?

Zhora: Ha. Are you for real?

Deckard: Oh yeah. I’d like to check your dressing room if I may.

Zhora: For what?

Deckard: For, uh, for holes.

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If you’ve [done_something_here] and experienced five or more of the following symptoms, [snip] you’ve probably been [catastrophic_occurrence]: restlessness, nervousness, excitement, insomnia, flushed face, diuresis (having to pee a lot), gastrointestinal disturbance, muscle twitching, rambling flow of thought and speech, tachycardia or cardiac arrhythmia, periods of inexhaustibility or psychomotor agitation (unintentional motion, say, rapidly bouncing one leg).

So, what could cause all that?  It’d pretty much have to be high doses of cocaine or crystal meth, right?

No, the writers of the new Metrosexual DSM-V Psychiatric Guidelines apparently have a need, a physically-manifesting burning need that somehow mimics chlamydia, to add whole new sections so that most anyone can be classified as at least something.  That something will either have an ObamaCare billing code attached to it – OR – it will have a flag that makes you ineligible to be a legal owner of a weapon.  That is my supposition, based on absolutely nothing other than full-fledged paranoiac tendencies fueled by lots of…  you’ll see.

That description above is the description for drunk on caffeine.  The syndrome?

In December 2011 when caffeine withdrawal was announced as being “recommended for inclusion” in the DSM-5, work-group member Alan J. Budney attempted to address the controversy:

“We feel that there is enough data to support a caffeine-withdrawal syndrome. There are enough people who go into withdrawal — that if they don’t get caffeine, it becomes a real syndrome and can affect work, sleep, or whatever they need to do. So we’re suggesting that it ‘make the big leagues’ and become part of the DSM to make sure everyone is aware of it.”

Caffeine withdrawal is a mental disorder.

I call BS, because I am at this very moment chilling down from a long workday with an 8oz Red Bull™.  If I was mentally disordered it would be at least a 12oz size.

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They say that this is a dog and not a fleecy towel with a nose sewn on.

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Apparently kittens can be disabled and make us look like whiny bastard pieces of shit without even trying.  But they do it cutely.

This kitten has been nicknamed ‘Squitten’ after being born with a deformity in her front paws that means she sits and walks on her hind legs like a squirrel.
Petal, a five-month-old, suffers from a rare condition that means she has no bones after the elbow joint in her front legs so they are permanently bent inwards.
She is unable to run like other felines and has no choice but to either waddle on her rear legs or slouch forward onto her crooked limbs.

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Woman Forced to Lactate On Demand

A Hawaii woman was pumped for proof of verifiable lactation during an airport screening designed to put the squeeze on terrorism.  In spite of her expression of extreme humiliation she was forced to bottle her emotions and demonstrate her ability to provide sustenance for her infant.  After handing over her baby, several highly-trained and professional TSA agents (Mr. Smith, Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Mendoza) accompanied her and they scrutinized her every move intently in the women’s restroom.

That sucks.

The TSA recently changed screening procedures to allow women to carry breast milk onto planes without testing it. – KDSK.com

Testing is no longer required, much to the dismay of many TSA officers who have discovered that their replacement for Sweet-n-Low™ in their coffee is now, at least officially, off-limits.

I guess we didn’t get the memo.  These latest events have been a bit of a letdown after a nearly spotless record.  I had thought we had this public relations issue contained but somebody leaked it to the press.  Still, I feel bad for her, because she was exposed to God only knows how many perverts in that public restroom.  At the end of the day, however, public safety is our topmost concern, so we will pore over the many photographs we took, and if anything is amiss, we’ll be all over them. – TSA Agent T. T. Groper

Look for jugs of milk and cartons of cream to to re-appear in TSA lunchrooms across the country.

However, breast pumps may require additional screening. – KDSK.com

Can’t be too safe, I always say.  We gotta say “Ta Ta!” to the bad guys somehow, eh?

You could say that we need to do better in keeping abreast of the regulations.  Regardless of the emphasis on “new realities” of the situation, the fact is that the only way you can really screen a breast pump is to test it on a real boob.  We at the TSA have wide latitude in doing what we feel we have to and urgency demands that we do just that.  But from now on, Ma’am, I promise that it will elicit no enjoyment on our part.  – TSA Agent T.T. Groper

The interview was cut short as TSA Agent T.T. Groper rushed off to detain and thoroughly question a mother who had chosen to break the law by nursing in public.

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Sorry to have been so absent lately.  Things have been upsey-downsey on the family front still.  It is challenging us.  Simply put, medications seem to be effective but either have shortcomings in some areas or what seem to be side-effects in others.  It would be easier if this were happening to one of us instead of being kid-centric.  Feelings of helplessness abound.

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A New Graphic

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Little late in getting this out.  Ok, days late.  So sorry.

Update:

“Driving is much more dangerous than flying, as you are far more likely to be killed in an automobile accident mile-for-mile than you are in an airplane,” said Horwitz. “The result will be that the new TSA procedures will kill more Americans on the highway.”  – Steven Horwitz, a professor of economics at St. Lawrence University

Whatever Obugger and the Libtards may think, a whole lot of people still subscribe to the idea “Give me liberty or give me death.”

For me and my family, we’ll take our chances on the road, thank you.  Bye-bye airlines.

And, sorry, but any agent who tries to strip-search my son is getting his facial features reconstructed.

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The TSA had one individual (Blogger Bob) that was quoted as saying:

It is important that all screening procedures are completed.  This ensures that terrorists do not have an opportunity to probe TSA’s procedures by electing not to fly just as TSA’s screening procedures are on the verge of detecting that the passenger is a terrorist.

How stupid do the TSA people think we are?  Electing not to fly just as TSA’s screening procedures are on the verge of detecting that the passenger is a terrorist?  Did such idiocy truly get uttered?  Yes.  Yes it did.

Terrorists probing security will do dry runs.  Terrorists probing security are not going to carry the real thing – there’s no point in doing a dry run with the real explosives, or the real knife, or the real whatever.  If they are going to carry the real thing they’re going to do something with it, not probe – they are not going to start tipping the authorities off by sacrificing people and possible tactics.  They will also seek to drop as many false positives as possible.

A true “Allahu Akbar” dyed-in-the-wool pork-fearing terrorist isn’t going to bat an eye at the next step, which is cramming explosives up his/her ass or having implants installed that are loaded with “goodies” instead of silicone.

This ill-inspired exercise has become a situation illustrating the notion reductio ad absurdum.  Read the next sentence twice, or however many times it takes to catch the nuance.

You can not have non-intrusive security and catch everything.

So in practical terms, how are “we” going to catch that stuff?  Start poking fake and real tits breasts indiscriminately with needles or stilettos?  Cavity searches at random?

Yes, there’s the solution, let’s just go around puncturing every female’s hooters or cavity-probing every single passenger out of fairness, m’kay?  (We’ll do it with gloves, and we won’t enjoy it, we promise.)

Or we can do the right thing and recognize that profiling is really the only fair thing one can do.  It is not fair to equally scrutinize everybody if the preponderance of evidence says that the likelihood of a terrorist being middle-eastern jumps sky-high.  We can’t ignore the fact that the odds get worse if we’re talking about men.  And the odds get even worse if we’re talking about a middle-eastern male somewhere between 17 and 35.

Brings the point… does something exist that is better than scanners overall?  YES!

They are called “dogs” and have been sniffing out explosives and drugs for a very long time.

For all the non-kaboom-ey stuff like non-metallic cutting things – knives or shards-o-glass and the like?   Several times now passengers have shown some real bravery in rising to the occasion and kicking the everlovin’ shite out of would-be terrorists.

Ol’ Blogger Bob also wrote this regarding the TSA’s alternative to the scanning, which is the good ol’ grope, errr, pat-down:

As I’ve said before, there is nothing punitive about it- it just makes good security sense.

TSA not punitiveOh they most certainly are.  And they most certainly will if we let them get away with it.

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